I stared at my phone blankly. Kayla’s name continued to pop up on the screen, but when I didn’t answer and the call ended, it would fade out and add to the number of missed calls, which seemed to be exponentially increasing.

By the tenth call I was fed up. “What, Kayla?” I answered the phone sharply.

“I just want to talk to you,” she said quietly.

“Not now,” I growled. I expected her to be angry with me for omitting that detail of my life, but I didn’t expect her to be so nasty about it. All I wanted was for her to hear me out, and then I would be okay with her being angry, that was reasonable—but she had called me a freak, fucking crazy, she had called Alyssa an “old high school flame that didn’t matter anymore” when she knew Alyssa was standing right there. All of that was uncalled for. She wouldn’t hear me out so I definitely wasn’t about to hear her out, now.

“Vic, please—”

“No, Kay. I’m sorry that I hid that from you but I’m not the only one who showed a new side tonight,” I said pointedly. It was weird that after a year and a half of seeing each other we were still learning new things about each other—I wasn’t the only one. “You wouldn’t listen to me and you let your twisted and ignorant views on what mental illnesses are make conclusions about who I am, even though you already know who I am and I’m no different today than who I was three months ago. I’m still the same person—I’m still a person. So don’t talk to me Kayla, I still feel horrible about hiding that from you but your lack of understanding and attitude was disgusting and unnecessary and I’m done,” I growled.

“Vic, I was just heated, and—” she whined, but I cut her off.

“I know I’m not exactly innocent over here but, God Kayla,” I couldn’t even finish my sentence or thought. She knew what I was saying, though. It was my fault but it was horrible to think that I spent an entire year and a half with her and didn't suspect that she’d act like this—or maybe I did, and that was why I waited for so long to come clean. We were both wrong, which was exactly why I couldn’t talk to her right now.

“Fine, whatever, Vic. I don’t need a fucked up person like you in my life, anyway,” she snarled. My eyes widened.

“What the fuck, Kayla?” I spat. “Are you fucking serious right now? Just because I told you something about my brain—I didn’t have to demonstrate it or anything—” I laughed bitterly “—now suddenly I’m fucked up? Or did you think that the whole time and was just using me?” I accused.

“No I didn’t! But it takes a fucked up person to hide something like that!”

“Okay, Kayla,” I shook my head. I didn’t feel like arguing with her anymore. “I’ve been too nice to you, and this is what I get in return? I don’t even understand why you called me in the first place if you’re still going to shout shit like that at me,” I said. “Don’t call me again.”

“Wait, Vic—”

“No, Kayla. Goodbye,” I shook my head and without waiting to hear her response I hung up the phone. “God damn it,” I breathed. I sat down at the edge of my bed, scrunching my nose because I had been with her here many times before. I guess I tricked her but she sure as hell tricked me, too.

“Are you okay?” Mike suddenly entered my room, his voice wary. He looked at me with concern.

“She’s being a bitch and I know it but it still hurts,” I mumbled.

“Vic you’ve dated her for a long time. I’m sure it’s a bad breakup,” he said understandingly.

“Yeah,” I shrugged my shoulders. “I knew she wouldn't take it easy,” I admitted. “But…” my voice trailed off.

“If she really loved you she would have calmed down and had a mature conversation with you about it,” Mike cut in.

“Oh, gee, thanks,” I rolled my eyes, even though I knew he was right. I didn’t know why I was upset but I guess it was just human nature to feel that way. If she really loved you…

Nice to know that I devoted a lot of my time to someone who may not have been genuine after all. I guess now it was Mike’s turn to say “I told you so.”

“Sorry, Vic,” he regretted. I just shrugged my shoulders and walked past him, exiting my room. I recognized that this conflict between me and Kayla was a relationship tester, but was it bad that I didn’t really care to try and fix things? It was probably selfish of me, I knew Kayla had a soft and sensitive side but now I didn’t want to deal with her cruel side. I didn’t want to deal with her at all. I didn’t know if this was okay to think, though. We were so familiar with each other now, I was used to her.

When I stepped into my living room, though, I spotted Alyssa—I knew my answer involving Kayla. I knew it was wrong but the second I laid eyes on Alyssa again I just knew.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Hi,” I said.

“I’m sorry I got her mad at you…” she frowned and looked at the floor.

“Alyssa? That wasn’t your fault. It was going to happen eventually,” I said.

“Are you sure?” she asked, looking up again but biting her lip with concern.

“I promise, it was inevitable. Maybe I should even be thanking you,” I said with a small smile. She smiled back weakly and flickered her eyes away from mine. She sucked in a breath and then let it out slowly.

“I should probably get going,” she said.

“Why?” I blurted.

“To see mom,” she said. “I don’t like her being alone,” she added.

“Er, I could go with you… maybe?” I tried. I wanted to talk to her more--now that things were more calm. I wanted to talk to her and ask her what she meant--I know you don’t need me anymore, but now I really need you. I wanted to get to know her again, I wanted to remember every little thing, I wanted to start all of that over again, tonight, I couldn't wait any longer. She said that I don't need her but I do--I really do.

She shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Vic,” she murmured. “Besides, you still have all of these people at your house,” she said. At that, I looked around—no one was inside, except there was still a large group outside in the back, completely oblivious to the drama that had previously ensued in here.

“Oh, yeah, you’re probably right,” I said, nodding and scratching the back of my neck. I chewed on the inside of my lip and rolled back and forth on my heels. “Want me to go get Tony for you?”

“Sure,” she smiled. I smiled back and then turned. I slid the back door open and stepped outside, breathing in the refreshing air. I swiped my hand across my forehead and scanned the backyard. I spotted Tony talking with Jaime and Mike’s drum tech and good buddy of ours, Casey. I started my way over towards them but made eye contact with Tony before I reached them. I nodded at him and he excused himself from the other guys, walking over to him.

“What’s up?”

“Er, Alyssa wants to go home,” I said.

“Okay,” he nodded. He sighed a little and put his hand on my arm, stopping me from walking.

“What?”

Tony sighed again. “I know you and Kayla got in a fight but please don’t drag Lissy into it,” he said bluntly.

I furrowed my eyebrows. “She’s sort of right in the middle of it…” I said slowly.

“Listen, Vic, Alyssa doesn’t need this drama, okay?”

“Tone, the only reason why there is drama is because she’s back,” I said. I didn’t mean that in a bad way, I just meant that everything was stirred up with her presence, it wasn’t her fault it was just the truth. I wanted her here though.

Tony didn’t get that, though. He slammed me against the back door and gritted his teeth. “I don’t need you fucking up my sister’s life with your shit,” he growled. My eyes widened and a memory shoved into the front of my mind—that time Tony got pissed at me for falling asleep in his sister’s room, punching me in the face and pushing me over the edge. I shuddered.

“Tony!” I remained frozen in shock against the house. Tony got aggressive when it came with defending his sister; I knew that well. “Tony, what was that for?” Alyssa asked angrily.

“Nothing Alyssa, go inside,” Tony said lowly.

“This is not about to happen,” Alyssa scolded. “We are not going to be doing this, got it?” she hissed.

“Alyssa, go to the car. I need to finish talking to Vic.”

“Are you going to talk to him, or are you going to beat the crap out of him?” she snapped.

“It’s fine, Lis,” I mumbled, relaxing my position from off the wall. She sighed and nodded warily, turning around and going into the house with a parting warning glance at Tony.

“I don’t want you to rush back into things with her. I know her being back is driving you crazy” I flinched at his word choice even though he didn’t mean it that way “and I know you still adore her but things are different now and you can’t dive right back in again,” he said. That was exactly what I wanted to do, though--dive right back in again. But I knew, deep down, we had to take things slow.

“Tony,” I mumbled. “I know I can’t… it’s not all about me, y’know. She has a say in it too… who says she’d even want…” I shook my head. I couldn’t even be considering these things right now, but I was. We used to be so intense. When I breathed in I could still feel the pain in my chest at the thought of us having lost that.

Tony sighed. He didn’t say anything for a few moments. “Things won’t be the same between you guys,” he said.

“You think I don’t know that already?!” I shouted.

“I’m just saying, Vic,” he rolled his eyes.

“Tony,” I groaned, rubbing my face with my hands. “You don’t understand,” I paused and gritted my teeth, gripping my shirt with my fist, over my heart, as if that could emphasize the pain a little, “how horrible this feels.”

“I lost a sister for several years, don’t tell me that I don’t feel the pain, too,” he reminded me. I ducked my head and sighed.

“I know, I’m sorry,” I mumbled. It was a difficult situation for everyone but here I was still thinking about myself. I closed my eyes and sighed again. “See ya later, Tone,” I said.

“Vic—” he started but he didn’t stop me when I turned away. I went inside—Alyssa was drawing circles with her pointer finger on the top of the counter on the island in the kitchen, waiting patiently. She looked up when she saw me enter and I nearly fell over at the smile she flashed me.

“Hey…” she said, standing up straighter and looking at me with concern.

“Hey, Alyssa. I’ll see ya around, yeah?” I asked. I didn’t wait for her response, however, as I walked past the kitchen and turned the corner. I went up the stairs slowly, checking the time on my wrist—it was almost ten o’clock. Maybe a little early for me to sleep but I couldn’t be bothered to do anything else. People were slowly leaving the house, anyway, although I was sure we’d have late stragglers. Mike liked to stay up late on nights like these.

I walked into my bathroom and splashed my face with water. I’d shower in the morning. I didn’t look at my reflection because I was afraid to look into my eyes. I reached across the counter and grabbed my pills, unscrewing the cap and taking out the appropriate amount. I sighed and stuck my head under the faucet, taking a big gulp of water. I closed my eyes and popped my pills into my mouth, swallowing them down easily with the water. I ran my fingers through my hair and then got into a t-shirt and sweatpants.

When I went to climb into bed, I sighed because I could already feel my head beginning to spin with thoughts. I couldn’t stop them; I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep tonight with them ruling my head.

I bit my lip and walked to my dresser. I pulled open the top drawer and rummaged through the t-shirts I had in there. Underneath everything in the back I pulled out the over the counter sleeping pills that Mike didn’t know I had. I technically wasn’t supposed to take them with my meds, but I did a lot of things I wasn’t supposed to do with my meds, like drink. It was “ill-advised” because the alcohol could potentially mess with the effectiveness of my meds or make my symptoms worse, but I’ve never had a problem with it. I have been too focused on music to let things—even mental illness—get in the way.

I looked at the sleeping pills in my hand. Mike would be pissed if he knew I had these—they were even worse than the drinking, but I liked them sometimes because they got rid of nightmares or any possible over-thinking. I definitely was going to need them tonight.

“Vic?” I widened my eyes and hastily hid the pills back into my drawer. My door swung open right as I relaxed causally. I shifted on my foot and acted like I was in the middle of looking for clothes as I turned my head.

“Yeah?” I asked Mike.

“You just left,” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Sorry man. I’m exhausted,” I said. He sighed.

“I’m sorry I made you—” I put my hand up, stopping him from finishing that sentence.

“No Mike, you were right. It’s fine. It needed to happen. But I’m going to bed, okay?” Mike looked a little wary but he nodded.

“Okay…” he said. “Jaime and Tone and most people left, then I kicked everyone else but Casey out. We’ll be in the back if you need anything,” he said. I nodded. Casey was like Mike’s partner in crime. They did everything together—in this case, smoke and drink. Mike turned away and closed the door behind him. I took the pills out again and poured four into my palm—a little more than usual but I needed it. I just needed to sleep. I needed my brain to shut off. I kept them closed in my fist and put the pills away; then I returned to the bathroom and stuck my head under the faucet again. They always worked better when I swallowed them down with water as opposed to swallowing dry.

I wiped my mouth with my sleeve and exited my bathroom. I took a deep breath and settled into bed, stretching my limbs once and then curling up. On the bedside table was my phone, I saw it light up. I didn’t feel like looking at it, though—I didn’t feel like doing anything at all.

A few minutes of just laying there blankly, trying to only think about the pills that were going to kick in very soon, my eyes started to grow heavy. I smiled a little and let out a small yawn. I could feel myself falling into a deep sleep; I knew this feeling well, the way everything quieted and slowed down and grew heavier, it was a painfully slow process, you knew that you were going to be completely unconscious soon, but you were still awake. And then suddenly your mind was oblivious to everything. Your mind was absolutely useless, nothing, and you were asleep without even knowing.

I craved for that feeling. I craved for my forehead to stop aching and for my brain to stop running in circles. Everything quieted and slowed down and grew heavier; I was moments away from unconsciousness and I was a little afraid that my excitement for it would keep me awake. But then there was absolutely nothing, my mind was mush, and everything was black.

Notes

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