I eyed Alyssa and Kayla anxiously. They were just talking to each other, casually, sitting on the side of the pool. Kayla twirled her hair in her fingertips occasionally while Alyssa gently and thoughtfully kicked her legs a little in the water, causing small ripples to form in the water. Alyssa wore a soft, polite smile the entire time, and I wondered what they were talking about.

I had stopped in my tracks suddenly in the doorway when I returned outside after stepping in for a minute, seeing my ex-girlfriend and current girlfriend having a conversation, looking like they were best friends—the whole best friend thing more adamant on Kayla’s part, though. My stomach churned but I had no choice but to let it happen.

“Go with the flow, buddy,” Mike whispered in my ear, patting my back and then walking past me. I rolled my eyes and walked down the two steps onto the back porch.

I gnawed on my lip a little, deciding what to do. I could be a coward and just hang out with other people, or I could face them. I decided to man up a little and go up to Kayla and Alyssa. They were sitting a fair distance away from each other, still chatting politely, so I surprised them both by appearing out of seemingly nowhere and plopping down in between them. I swung my arms around both of them and grinned, looking from Kayla—who was staring at me and biting her lip—to Alyssa—who was giggling softly.

“Hey guys,” I greeted them, dropping my arms. Kayla made it a point to hold my hand and I felt my body heat up a little. I wanted to hold Alyssa’s hand but I couldn’t. Alyssa was back to kicking her feet in the water a little, and I looked at her eyes, seeing them follow the ripples in the water. Kayla squeezed my hand a little and I broke my gaze from Alyssa. I smiled at Kayla and then looked straight ahead at nothing in particular.

“Did you get a chance to catch up with her yourself?” Kayla suddenly murmured lowly into my ear, surprising me because her tone was concerned. I shook my head.

“Okay,” she smiled and dropped my hand, patting my leg, kissing my cheek, and standing up. “I’m going to get a drink, nice talking with you Alyssa,” she said with a smile. I was impressed with her politeness, I expected her to be more possessive.

“You too, Kayla,” Alyssa said softly. When Kayla left, I turned back to Alyssa and smiled.

“She’s nice,” she commented.

I nodded. “Yeah. What about you, Lissy? Got yourself a dude?” I asked, playfully poking her side. She laughed a little and shook her head.

“Noo, I don’t have a dude,” she replied mockingly.

“Really?” I was a little surprised. “I can’t imagine that all the men in New York weren’t falling to the ground for you,” I noted.

“Yeah, the cigarette butt littered ground,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Give yourself a little credit, Lis. You look great,” I said. She smiled softly and shook her head a little, her eyes seemed to darken briefly but they quickly returned to their normal state.

“Well, thanks anyway, Vic,” she said, rolling her eyes a little again. “You seem like you’re doing really well,” she commented with a small nod.

I smiled gently. “I am,” I said. Alyssa smiled but there was something else there, a certain kind of wondering. I knew what she needed to hear: “I, uh, haven’t had any problems…” I let my voice trail off.

“See? I told you everything was going to be okay one day,” she said excitedly, a large smile spreading across her face. I returned the smile, but I didn’t think it spread to my eyes only because not everything was okay—not yet. Not with things so resolved yet also unresolved between us. Things were okay but not okay at the same time. I was just confused. I looked at Alyssa and her smile was wavering, too, and it definitely wasn’t in her eyes.

I opened my mouth to say something—to ask her how she has been—but she spoke before me. “I think Kayla is good for you,” she said. I bit on my lip and shrugged my shoulders. “You seem happy.”

Seem. I shrugged my shoulders again. “Oh, come on, Vic, don’t be passive,” she rolled her eyes with a small smile playing at the corner of her mouth.

“I don’t really know what to say,” I said. I didn’t want to have this conversation with her—I didn’t think she wanted it either. But then again, it felt necessary to talk about. There was so much we both wanted to say but so much we couldn’t say. I didn’t know how to go on like this.

“Does she… know?” she asked. I knew she was going to ask that eventually. I bit my lip and sighed. “Vic!” she exclaimed.

“What, Alyssa?” I rolled my eyes—this time, not playfully.

“Don’t be stupid, Vic,” she said.

“I’m not stupid, Lissy. I’m fine,” I said.

“I know you’re fine. You look fine. But what happens when you have a bad day and no one knows how to help you?” she asked sternly.

“I don’t need any help! I haven’t had a bad day in a long time, I’m like a new person.”

“I know you are,” she said with a grumble.

“Why is that a bad thing?” I exclaimed.

“It’s not! I’m just saying, you have to be careful! You can’t go around and act like it’s not there, when it is!”

“Alyssa, please,” I sighed, rubbing my forehead with my palm. She just shook her head and stood up. “Where are you going?” I asked.

“Inside. Where people aren’t staring,” she said, her eyes glancing at the party around us. I nodded, following her inside. Mike looked at me with worry but I just shook my head at him. When we were alone in the living room, we continued right back where we left off.

“It’s not safe.”

“I’m not dangerous.”

“I’m talking about for you, Vic. I just care about you. I don’t want to see you getting hurt. I know it’s been a while but what happens when there’s a freak occurrence and you hurt yourself, and she doesn’t know how to help you?”

“Thanks for your confidence in me,” I growled. Even though I knew she meant well, I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it. But then again, I guess I was never in the mood to deal with anything, unless it involved the band.

“Ugh, Vic,” she rolled her eyes. “I’m not trying to order you around, I’m just saying it’s in your best interest for her to know, just in case.”

“Okay,” I said evenly. “I’m working on it, alright? There’s not really a good time to tell someone that kind of thing. Besides, she wouldn’t understand that it doesn’t affect me anymore. She’ll think—”

“Damn it Vic! If she wouldn’t understand why are you even with her? What makes you think you’ll work out if she doesn’t know who you are?” she slapped her hands down on her thighs in frustration. The Alyssa I knew was unleashing.

“She knows who I am. I'm not who I used to be. But you wouldn’t fucking know that because you haven’t been around!” I exclaimed.

“Shut up, Vic,” she rolled her eyes again and stood up. “You know you’re being an idiot, you’re just too thickheaded to admit it!”

I gritted my teeth and stood up, too. “You’re just jealous,” I hissed impulsively.

Alyssa narrowed her eyes at me. “You’re an ass.”

I sighed. I wasn’t even thinking. Maybe it was easier to push her away, to keep things less complicated. “I didn’t mean it.”

“It doesn’t matter, Vic. I’m trying to talk some sense into you but you’re being ridiculous,” she said.

“I don’t even know why you had to bring it up! I don’t like you talking about my relationship. It’s uncomfortable, frustrating, and just… weird. Leave it alone, for God’s sake,” I snapped. I bit my tongue to keep myself from saying something even more stupid. Really, the only reason why I didn’t like talking about my relationship with Alyssa was because my relationship wasn’t with Alyssa. It just didn’t feel right.

She looked up at me with a scowl, but her eyes were soft as if she was thinking what I was thinking, that it wasn’t right to talk about us with other people because that wasn’t how things were supposed to be. We were supposed to be together, and it was difficult to cope with the fact that right now we couldn’t be anything more than friends. It just wasn’t right!

“I don’t give a shit about your relationship, Vic. I give a shit about your health and who’s going to be there for you when you’re down. Because I’m not sure it’s going to be her,” she said lowly.

I couldn’t bite my tongue; I didn’t even mean to say what I was about to say. “Well,” I scrunched up my face and looked her up and down. She was so beautiful, but I looked at her with disgust. “It sure as hell isn’t going to be you, either,” I growled. Her eyes widened and then they narrowed again. She didn’t look upset—but that was probably due to the fact that she was masking it with anger.

I sighed and turned away from her. I couldn’t be with her right now, there was too much going through my mind. All we have done since her return was clash. It was too much. I walked out of my living room, just as Tony was walking inside.

“Hey,” he said. I just shook my head and continued through my house. I turned the corner and jogged up the stairs, going to my room. I sat down on the edge of my bed and buried my face in my hands, letting out a loud sigh. The more time I spent alone with Alyssa—and it hasn’t been that much time at all—the more pressure built in my head and the more I fuck things up. I hated clashing with her right now, but we were both confused and things were out of balance.

“Vic?” I heard. I looked up tiredly and saw Kayla standing in my doorway.

“Hey,” I said, standing up to greet her. When I did, though, she stepped around me and into my room, avoiding me. “Uh, hi?”

She frowned and stared at me.

“What’s up?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

“Vic, I heard Tony and Alyssa talking,” she said, crossing her arms loosely over her chest.

“Oh, yeah?”

“I didn’t hear much!” she frowned, defending herself. “I just heard her tell him about your fight… she was angry at you for not telling me something,” she said. “Would you like to tell me what that something is?”

I groaned and closed my eyes. “I can’t deal with this right now, Kay.”

“Vic,” Kayla grabbed my arm to keep me from leaving the room as I went to turn away. “Please don’t just shut down like you always do,” she said softly.

“I don’t shut down,” I frowned.

“Yes, you do. You were gone for two fucking weeks, remember that?” she snapped. “Whenever I ask a question, you always sigh in annoyance or growl or just completely close off. I think I have a little bit of a right to know more about you, don’t you think?” she asked, her voice slowly escalating.

“Yeah, you do. I’m sorry,” I sighed, rubbing my face in stress.

“Then what is it that you haven’t been telling me?”

“Kay, you wouldn’t understand,” I sighed. It didn’t even feel like I was sick anymore. The only sick part about me was that I had gone this long without telling her about what I used to be like. “I’m so sorry, Kayla. I’m sorry I lied to you. I know it’s serious. I shouldn’t have—”

“Lied to me about what?” she was fuming. I gulped and took a step back. I closed my eyes slowly and sighed. I felt ashamed of what I was diagnosed with, even though I haven’t had effects of it for 8 years I was ashamed to say that I had a serious mental illness and acted like I didn’t.

“I… I’m not really sick anymore. But I still take medication for it…” I said slowly. That didn’t sound too horrible yet. Kayla’s face softened.

“Sick? You’re sick?” she stepped closer to me with concern.

I shook my head. “Not… not exactly,” I said lowly. “No one knows about it except the guys in the band. Nobody else knows from this life—”

“What do you mean, this life? What is that supposed to mean?” she asked impatiently.

“At the end and a little after high school, I was in a…” my voice trailed off. I just couldn’t seem to say that damn word. It was an entirely different part of my life—I felt like it wasn’t even my life at all. I had done such a good job forgetting, and building a wall between the old Vic and present day Vic that I became dangerously disconnected. Dangerous, as in parts of the past could get over that wall and affect me yet nobody in this life would know how to deal with it.

“A what?” she pressed.

“A mental hospital,” I said quickly. To my surprise, her face softened and she only took another step closer, instead of a step back. She placed her hand on my chest.

“Oh,” she said softly. “You don’t have to feel bad about that, Vic. That’s not who you are anymore,” she said. I nodded. “And you’re not depressed anymore,” she lightly traced the faint scars on my arm with her fingertips that I didn’t know she knew was there, “right?”

I nodded again. “I’m happy. And I like to say I’m healthy. But I still take medication for… for, uh, for mild schizophrenia,” I said quietly.

Kayla’s eyes widened. “You must be joking,” she laughed. She looked me up and down. “There’s no way you’re that crazy.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “I’m not crazy. You would have noticed if I was by now,” I said firmly.

“Jesus Vic,” she hissed. “That’s—that’s… that’s terrifying! You’ve had this the entire time and thought it would be a good idea to skip over that detail when we were getting to know each other?”

“It’s not exactly an easy thing to say, Kay,” I said lowly.

“Yeah! But it’s also not something you fucking hide!” she shouted. She took a step back from me, and then another and another.

“You don’t have to look so scared of me, Kayla,” I rolled my eyes.

“You could have had a… a… what do you call it? An episode? Yeah, you could have had one of those at any time! You could’ve hurt me!” she accused. I took in a sharp breath—twenty minutes ago Alyssa was stressed out that Kayla wouldn’t know how to help me if I did slip up and fell into an episode; meanwhile Kayla was more concerned about me hurting her. What a difference. Although they were both right, and I personally cared more about hurting others than myself, it was still interesting.

“I would have never hurt you, Kayla,” I swore.

“God, Vic. Do you like, hear voices and see the devil and shit like that? That’s freaky as fuck! I can’t even believe you right now!” she yelled.

“Listen, I know you’re mad and I know you have every right to be upset, but don’t talk about it like that when you have no idea what you’re talking about!” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

“This is so fucking serious! You don’t just keep that from someone!” she continued to yell. “You’re insane!”

“Did I once ever act insane around you?” I asked.

“No, but—”

“I haven’t been affected by it in eight years, Kayla. Eight years without any sort of episode. I take my pills every day and I’ve reached the point where if I miss a day or a half then I’m still okay. You were never in danger. I shouldn’t have lied about it and I’m sorry, okay? You have every right to be angry, and I’m just embarrassed and stressed about it because I know how bad it looks. But it really isn’t that bad, I promise,” I explained.

But Kayla wasn’t having it. She shook her head. “Fucking crazy,” she muttered.

“I’m not crazy!” I yelled. I took a breath to calm myself down. “Have you ever had a panic attack?” I asked.

“What does that have—”

“Have you?”

“I guess.”

“So you know how that feels. Imagine that, okay? And then imagine that you’re in a pitch black room. No, not a room—a box. A box that you can barely move your limbs in, it’s that tiny. And then there’s no air in the box either, so you can’t breathe. And along with that, there’s a brutal voice screaming at you to hurt yourself, reminding you how worthless you are and how stupid you are and how you don’t deserve living. It makes you paranoid and writhe on the ground to try and stop the voices. That’s what an episode is, Kayla. The only person they hurt, in at least my case, is me, myself. I have never and never will hurt someone because of it. And I fucking hope I never have an episode again because they are painful and horrible. I can assure you that you would know if I was having one,” I explained fiercely.

Kayla nodded slowly. Her eyes were still wide.

“Did she know?” Kayla asked, nodding her head to someone behind me. I turned around and saw Alyssa in the hallway, her eyebrows raised as if she was just walking by and suddenly stopped because Kayla addressed her. I stared at Alyssa significantly for a moment, and her eyes flickered to mine. She had been coming up to see what the yelling was about… to defend me.

“Yes,” I said plainly, looking back at Kayla.

“Really, Vic? So some old high school flame that doesn’t matter any more knows about this, but I don’t?” she snapped. My eyes widened and I turned back around to Alyssa. Her eyes were wide with shock, too, but then they hardened as she focused on me.

“Great, Vic. That’s real nice,” she said, her voice a mixture of anger and hurt. My shoulders sagged and my face softened. I opened my mouth to defend myself but she just shook her head angrily and walked away.

“You really had to say that?!” I yelled at Kayla.

“Well, it’s true, isn’t it?” she yelled back.

“Alyssa matters to me. You don’t have the right to say those kinds of things,” I growled. I tried to bite my tongue but the words were already past my lips before I could catch my self. “Selfish bitch,” I muttered. Kayla’s eyes widened and she took another step back. I should have softened and told her I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it, maybe, but I found myself backing away and then turning around away from her.

“Walk away from me now, Vic, and we’re done,” she snarled.

I turned back around, furrowing my eyebrows at her. “We were going to be done anyway, weren’t we?” Without waiting to hear her response, I turned away again. I had to find Alyssa—I had to talk to her. I had to make things right.

When I got into the living room I saw her standing there, her back to me as she was hugging Tony. Tony heard me enter the room and he lifted his head, glaring at me from over her shoulder.

“Can I just talk to her, please?” I asked desperately.

“No, Vic. You’ve done enough harm today,” Tony said, continuing to give me a dirty look. I saw Lissy’s back rise and fall as she cried softly into her brother’s shoulder.

“Lissy… I’m sorry. It’s not true. You mean so much to me,” I said quietly. I saw her shake her head and Tony shot me another look.

“Vic just leave her alone,” he sighed, aggravated.

“Tony,” I said breathlessly. “I can’t. You know I can’t. Alyssa, Lissy… I can’t. Please.”

“Get out!” Tony yelled. I flinched, but I didn’t move. I couldn't move. I just needed to talk to her.

“Please let me talk to her… Lissy—”

“Don’t call me that,” she turned around and muttered it lowly, cutting me off. I couldn’t handle the way she was looking at me—with so much disgust and hurt. Why did I have to go and fuck things up? We used to be so in love. Why did we have to give it up?

In this moment there was so much pain in my body. I wondered if it was evident on my face. I haven’t worn pain in so long; but now it was weighing me down and I felt like I was going to collapse right then and there.

“I’m done with you, Vic,” she said evenly. My face twisted. “And I’ve been done with you for a long time.”

That was the moment when I couldn’t contain my emotions. I tried hard, but every time I blinked my eyes burned and tears continued to build up.

“Alyssa,” Tony muttered to his sister, his hand on her elbow to try and keep her calm. She shook him away from her and stepped forward to me. She pointed an accusing finger in my direction.

“Fuck you, Vic,” she growled. I blinked slowly; this felt so familiar. “Don’t you dare cry and act like you care.”

“I do care,” I whispered.

“No!” she shouted. “You don’t care! If you cared you would have made an effort!”

“Don’t give me that shit, Alyssa! The same goes for you!” I yelled back.

“If you cared you would have thought about how I would feel, seeing you become big and famous and some sort of man whore—”

“I am not a man whore!”

“Shut up! You are! You still are, screwing around—”

“I’m not screwing around!”

“Vic, you were,” Tony offered, with a weak shrug of his shoulders.

“Yeah, so were you, and Mike,” I countered. “But why does that even matter? We were working hard with the band and we went to parties after! That’s how it works! Who cares?” I argued.

“I care!” Alyssa screamed.

“You’re the one who left! You don’t own me!” I screamed back.

“I hate you!” she screamed, slapping me across the face. “I fucking hate you! I hate what you put me through! It’s not fair! I’m always the girl sitting on the sidelines, having to watch you be with other people! Always!”

“I never asked you to watch!”

Alyssa slapped me again. Tony backed away, not intervening. “I hate you,” she growled. She pulled her hand back to hit me again but I caught her wrists before she could. Tears formed in her eyes. “Let go of me.” I shook my head. “Let go!”

“No, Lissy,” I said softly.

“Vic, please let me go,” she whimpered.

“You know I can’t do that,” I whispered.

“Vic…” her bottle lip trembled. I relaxed my hands around her wrists but I still held them gently. The tears that had been building up in my eyes finally started to drip out. They felt like acid against my skin. I saw a few bubble out of her eyes, as well. Alyssa moved her hands up and I let her. She placed both of her hands on either side of my face. This felt so familiar. I had hurt Alyssa again. I didn’t mean to cause her pain, but that was ultimately what had happened. I was selfish. She was right: I didn’t think about how she would feel when she heard about what I had become—some sort of hot shot that fangirls and groupies unfortunately drooled over. It was cocky of me to think to myself but I knew it was true. And Alyssa wasn’t naïve. She has probably seen interviews. Maybe she even saw our documentary. Although it didn’t explicitly show me or anyone acting like complete asses, she probably had a fair idea of what this life was like. And I was too caught up in it to realize how it would look to Alyssa—she would see it as me forgetting about her, as me not needing her. But, then again, she never tried to see me again, too. The guilt went both ways.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I hunched over and wrapped my arms around her. I knew she was probably more hurt than I was—she didn’t have music to distract herself. She had her designing but I knew it just wasn't the same.

“Me too,” she cried softly, returning the embrace. I held her gently yet also tightly because I didn’t want to let her go—not ever. I had my face buried in her hair and she had hers buried in mine. I could feel the tears on her face dripping onto my neck.

I wanted to mumble that I loved her into her hair. I wanted the words to go down with my tears and melt into her skin. I wanted her to know that I loved her and never once did I stop. It was always there—she was always there. “You’re so important to me, you can’t ever think otherwise,” I said instead.

She nodded and squeezed me tighter. “I know you don’t need me anymore, but now I really need you.”

Notes

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