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Wonderless

I'm Afraid...

I was just about happily walking when I saw a very familiar lanky figure across; I continue walking and closer and closer I realize who it was,

"Mike?" he was just standing there holding a sack in his right hand, like he was waiting to kidnap a cat or something.

"Vic" his smile grew wide when he saw me, he came closer and lifted the bag up before shoving it to me.

"What the fuck Mike?!" I exclaimed.

"sorry buddy. I’ll take you to Kellin." he chuckled as he lifted me up and walk to where Im guessing Kellin is.

"What the fuck was that for?" I exclaimed when we got there, Kellin was sitting at the blanket that layed on the grass, grinning widely.

"Cause blindfolds are sooo" he started.

"cliche‘" I finished for him. I remembered that. He smiled and nodded.

"alright guys, Im just gonna go, I’ll drop by later to pick you guys up. I feel like a chauffeur or something" Mike said giving us a look, Kellin nodded before muttering a ’thanks’.

"I feel like this whole day is Deja vu." I said as I went to sit next to him.

"Good. So that you know this all happened before."

"you’re giving me a massive headache. You know that?" I smiled at him

"Hey no pain no gain" he chuckled, punching me in the shoulder playfully.

"so what do we do?"

"We could talk, play, shit I dont know but right now I just wanna be with you, I miss you Vic"

"I feel the same. I miss you too Kells."

I miss him too, I didnt even know I did but when him and Mike showed up. I’ve been starting to miss my old life back, the people that I didnt even know now, friends I left behind and the the old me, I want myself back, having lose my memories I feel like a different person. Its like I dont even know myself at all.

"Kells."

"mhhhmm?"

"tell me a little about you." he chuckled a bit to himself.

"what for?"

"I wanna know you more... again" And then we started talking, conversation shifted from him to me to other topics like food, little monkeys--wierd, I dont know, how we got there--- and other shit.

Moments later we found ourselves laying on our backs gazing on the stars up in the sky. I sighed contently at the thought of being close to him.

"Sooo, we’re really really close back then huh?" I said breaking the short silence between us

"uhh yeah, you could say that" he look at me, mesmerizing me with those sparkling blue-green, making me wonder if his eyes shined brighter than the stars. Why is he doing all of this? I feel as if there’s something more than us being just friends, every time he’s near me I cant help these warm feeling inside of me. Im happy whenever he’s around.

"uhmm Kellin, listen, I need to ask you something." he nodded.

"this is something that has been bothering me for quite some time now" I got up into a sitting postion trying to add seriousness into the conversation.

"What is it Vic?" I think he realize what I was going for and mimicked my actions and sat right up so that we were facing each other. I looked down at my hands as I started fiddling with my fingers.

"Well, I’ve been having this dreams.. Sometimes its about random people which turned out to be people I have met before.." I look up at him and he nodded for me to continue.

"and most of the time its about me with... you...so that’s why I freaked out when you guys found me but.. Everything you did today is, well, I dont know... "

I dont know, I suddenly shy away. What if he thinks this is ridiculous and I have mistaken his kindness on another level and he was just really trying to help me remember stuff... Like our friendship and the things we used to do and bond over.

’Friendship’ this is the word that confuses me a lot. He said he was only a friend but everything he did today.. Triggered some of my memories to come flooding up in the front of my head which by the way, gave me a massive headache. I remember some of them being in my dreams.. were it used to be me doing it for him.. The only difference is that.. In my dreams he was my boyfriend when in reality he’s really a best friend.

I want to, no, I need to ask him if he IS my boyfriend.. Who knows maybe he is and for some reason he just says he’s not but I cant just ask him straight away like that.. I dont know, maybe I need to ease over the topic just incase..

"Kellin have I been in love before? Like, have I left behind someone out there.. waiting for me to return to them or.. I dont know.. Im just rambling stuff out to you now aren't I?" I was referring to him although I dont want to say it is him.. because lets face it, what if he wasnt? And its just all in my head..

"No. I get it, but why are you asking me? Do you remember something?" he furrowed his brows as he look at me expectantly.

"uhmm.. Y- Yeah.. I-I think I kinda do.." I admitted.

This is it.. everything I’ve been thinking about earlier.. Maybe this is the right time to ask him this.. I looked up at him and he was just staring like he was waiting for me to say something again and so, I took out a sharp breath I didnt know I was holding back and mustered up all of the confidence I have and asked him..

"Kellin are you my boy--"

"Fuck Mike." he cursed and turned to face to his back where an annoyed looking Mike is waiting inside the car, blaring the car horn loudly and quite irritatingly might I add.

"--friend?"

Mike kept blaring the horn. I didnt even heard him called us earlier but the look on his face said that he’s been trying to catch our attention for sometime now. Kellin rolled his eyes at him.

"Stop that Mike."

"C’mon guys its getting late, I just got a call from papa. We will be picking them up at 9 am tomorrow at the airport."

"Oh can I come?" I asked Mike.

"of course your coming too." he stated the obvious.

"Oh okay good. Uhmm Kellin I think we should go" I placed my hand on his to catch his attention. He look back to me and nodded, we stood up and started making our way to the car. Kellin called shotgun leaving me to sit at the back.

"Vic you can crash the night with us, so itll be easy to go tomorrow." Mike said, I nodded before muttering a ’thanks’ and shooting Jenna a message telling her that Im gonna stay at Mike’s for tonight.

Going back to my thoughts earlier, I cant believe I almost ask him that. Almost. He almost heard. I dont know what came into me.. At that moment I just felt like we were the only two people in the world and that nothing could go wrong and now all of my senses and rationalization are slowly coming back to me.. Ofcourse everything could go wrong.. What if he wasnt...Im afraid.... Im not gay, he’s not either.. I have a girlfriend... Fucking hell why is everything so confusing right now?!..

"Vic?" Kellin called disrupting my train of thought

"yeah?"

"I remembered, you were just about to tell me something earlier, can you tell me now?"

"oh... I -uhh.. Sorry I forgot" I couldnt tell him now. Not now.

"oh. Ok well let me know when it crosses your mind." he looked at me confuse for a while before giving me a slight smile.

After a long battle of who gets to keep their bed to themselves, Mike won and I ended up sharing with Kellin, really I insisted on taking the couch but they didnt approve of such things. Besides, Kellin was more than happy to share. So now were laying on his bed, he’s fallen fast asleep, Im still up; too many thoughts consuming my mind right now. He shifted closer, cuddling me along the process.

"Kells are you asleep?" he didnt respond. Ofcourse he was. I stared at the cute sleeping boy next to me for a while, watching him --is that creepy? No I dont think so--maybe--taking in all of his features. I brush the stray hair that was covering his eyes to the side.

"Kellin, I-I think... I remember how Im in love with you" I said as I turn to face him and wrapped an arm around him pulling him closer to me.

"but Im afraid.." I closed my eyes waiting for sleep to catch up on me.