Feb. 14

* ’meet me at the park tonight see you at 6 ;) ’

That's the text I got from Vic this morning. Its already quarter to 6 and Im already walking on my way to the park. Im actually excited on what he planned for us tonight this Valentine's.
I was about to turn to my left when someone suddenly shoved a sack on my face.

"What the fuck?!" I exclaimed. This stranger picked me up to his shoulder, my face, facing his back. He carried me to I dont know I cant see. The whole time I was yelling and punching his back.

"lemme go" I whined. He just remained silent but I can hear a few chuckle of his.
After a few more walks and whining..

"Alright, Alright. Jeez" He says and I recognize the voice. It was Gabe. WTF?
He put me down and remove the sack.

"Vic you owe me so much for this" He said.

"Yeah, Yeah" I heard Vic chuckle. I look around me and I notice rose petals were scattered on the ground and a picnic setup. It looks like a scene from a movie.
My eyes finally landed on Vic. He’s wearing red plaid with a rose in hand. My boyfriend looks hot. sometimes I dont even believe were dating. I dont really know what he sees in me but I’m not gonna complain to that. He walk towards me with a smile plastered on his face.

"I see, shoving your date in a sack is the new trend now." I joked, he's now standing in front of me.

"Blindfolds are so cliche‘" He said giggling at his own statement..

"For you" he said as he handed me the rose.

"Aww. You’re so .sweet" I said and planted a kiss on his cheeks.

"Its white, cause its pure. Which I dont think you would be, After tonight" he simpered wiggling his eyebrows at me. Oh my god, this boy.

My cheeks immediately burned and I playfully punch on his shoulder.
*
I must be daydreaming again.. I cant do this anymore. I cant keep doing this. I cant live like this.

It's been four days since Mike and I last talked, Been four days when he also left me to think about those words he said.

'He isn’t coming back..'

did he really mean that? why would he say that?and just in those words he said was enough to ruin my entire day, week even.

I’m barely hangin and after Mike said those things to me, I think I just lost all hope; but then again, he quickly took it back by saying

'A-and I-if He is al-ive...'

So what does Mike believe in? He didnt show up either after that little incident we had.

Rain is pouring again so Ironic huh? .. Im just staring at the ground, knees against my chest with my head down. I dont really mind getting wet by the rain at least people couldn't see tears falling down from my face.

The ground form a shadow and the rain stopped hitting me indicating that somebody is here.

"Kellin." I look up to meet Jesse with an umbrella on hand.

"H-hey" I said weakly. He crouched down to my level and look at me with a worried look.

"I dont.. know.. what.. to ..do any..more, ...Jess" I finally broke down in front of him. He gave me a sympathetic look and smiled weakly.

"C’mere" he said reaching his free arm for a hug.

I practically lunged desperately at him. I just needed the hug so badly. He hugged me with one arm and patted my back comfortably while saying
"sssh... Shh.. Itll be alright little buddy.. Just hold on tight."

"Wha.. T do... I ...do..now.?" I said through sobs. I cant even breathe perfectly through hours of crying.. you know that suffocating feeling when you cry so hard your lungs burn and your practically grasping for air? Now imagine what you must be feeling when you cry like that every single day and night... each and every time you think about it too much. You dont sleep, your eyes sore, people look at you like your some kind of a crazy person and all you just wanted to do is curl up in bed and sleep, you either wish you dont wake up or you wish that when you do wake up that its all just in your head, a bad dream, nightmare to be exact.

"I think its time to go home.. " Jesse said pulling me out of my own thoughts.

He help me up and grab my backpack for me and then we head towards his car. I didnt even hesitate, I just feel so done physically and emotionally. Maybe Mike is right, maybe its about time.

The whole drive back in the apartment was silent but it was a comfortable silent, I think.Jesse just wanted to give me some space.

"Jess Its been too long since Ive been here, I dont know, Is it still mine?" I ask him as we head to the door. He gave me a smile and simply said

"Yeah, we look after it while you were gone."

"Oh. How much do I owe?" I ask.

"Don't even worry about it buddy. Consider this like our apology gift or something" He said and with that he opened the door and we got in.

"You should go change your clothes first, and take a rest Im sure you're exhausted" He said. I just nodded and went upstairs.

---

I could feel someone shaking me. Irritated, I opened my eyes only to find out it was Vic.

"Vic?" I said in a calm but surprised tone.

"yeah its me" He said plainly. I couldnt read his emotions, they were just blank.

"were have you been?" I ask him

"hiding" he said cooly.

"What? Why? I mean What are you hiding from? " I asked curiously

"Its not a what, its a who" he said so coldly. I gave him a confuse look

"I was hiding from you." He admitted. He didnt even look at me.

"Look the only reason I came here is because I want to tell you that I didnt want to be found so just drop it. Ok?, Move on. Do whatever it is you Kellins do." He spatted rudely.

"But-"

"Shut up" he interrupted and with that he got up and left me here crying.

My eyes flutter open, the first thing I saw was the white ceiling, I immediately shot up and look around. Im in my room all alone, No sign of Vic. I think I need to think about what just happened.

It was just a bad dream. A nightmare actually, I taught to myself but tears were spilling down from my eyes. I was crying again. It just felt real, but I know Vic would never do that. He wouldn’t, would he? no he wont.. shut up Kellin its just your subconcious telling you stuff you shouldnt even listen to, but this dream told me to move on, Mike told me to move on, Everyone around me tells me I should be moving on; so is it really about time?.

I hear the creeking of the door and Jesse came in with a glass of water in hand.

"Hey what’s wrong? What happened?" He rushed to my side.

"It was just a bad dream" I said. He handed me the water and I drink it. The water calmed me down.

"You feeling better now?" he ask. I just nodded.

"Alright I’ll be downstairs if you need me." He got up.

"Jesse wait, dont leave me" he stopped and sit back down.

"I wanna talk to you about something"

"Alright. Go for it"

"Do you think Vic is ever coming back?" I asked like a little child hopelessly hoping.

"well, I-- uhh" My question kinda took him off guard. He was thinking carefully about what he wanted to say so that it wont hurt me, but I needed to know what he thinks not what I wanted to hear.

"I guess?" he stated unsure of himself.

"Ok. Well do you think he’s ..... He’s d- d- dead? .. " I said I couldnt even say it.

"Be honest. " I added. He looked at me baffled at what I had just said.

"Kellin you know I cant answer that" he sighed.

"I just wanted to know what you think. I need this." I frowned. Giving up, He sighed once more

"Alright, If it’ll help you. Well to be honest?" I nodded for him to go on.

"Well at first I had hope, but then I realized the accident kinda stated the obvious, dont you think?" he admitted.

"Ok Im sorry, dont cry.. Damn why did I just had to say that" he panic. I didnt even realize I was. I quickly wiped off my tears and try to get my shit together.

"Im sorry. I’m just.. I .. I Think Im gon-na be.. Forever.. Alone man.. I dont ... Even ..know.. What to do anymore.." I tried to hold it together, I really did.

"youre better than this Kells. Youre a pretty cool guy. Im sure some guys would be begging for you." he was telling me to move on. Everybody does, I dont think I could love again. I mean how could I?, Im still inlove with Vic.

"Save your Heart Kells. For someone thats worth dying for not for somebody who’s already de-- ..uhh... past." He patted my back, I just nodded and gave him a wry smile.

"but hey, there's no confirmation about Vic being.. you know, dead yet and I dont wanna get your hopes up or anything but Im just saying, if you and Vic are really meant to be, then it will be.. right?". Jesse just knows all the right things to say, he's really an expert on this heart to heart shit and what he said just made me light up a bit. Him and Mike kinda said things similarly. If Vic and I are really for each other then I won't have to make the move and that we will always find our way back to each other's arms.. eventually. Well then, I think I'll just have to hold on to that but right now, I think I'm gonna have to let him go first so that I wont have to hurt this much. Im just gonna have to save my heart first.

If he's not ever coming back, that sucks but ok
If he actually do comes back, Great.

"I’ll order us pizza. I’ll be down stairs if you need me." I just nodded again. He gave me a small smile.

So Save my heart huh? I dont think I can right now, but I’ll think about it.

Notes