Without You There Is No Me

I sat down in front of the trunk Carrie had given me. I was almost scared to open it. What could be inside? The contents could explain everything to me. I think that is why I'm scared to look. I travelled all this way. But do I really want to know? I'm searching through my life. Is it fair to Vic to make him watch while I explore part of me he has no presence in.
Vic wrapped his arms around me. He was holding onto me tightly. I leant back against him to try and get closer to him. I wanted him in me. Not in a sexual sense but in the way that I want every part of Vic to match every part of me. I wanted us to the the same, for him to never leave me.
I don't want to put him through any pain. By bringing him here I'm paining him. Vic knows his feelings for me. He's my person. He understands completely what Robin felt for me, because they share one thing. Their feelings for me. It's selfish of me to force Vic to watch what I am about to do.
"Can you get Mike for me, please?" I asked.
"Mike?" Vic asked.
"Yeah," I nodded against him. I felt Vic sigh and he kissed my cheek. His arms left me and suddenly I didn't feel safe anymore. My personal sanctuary had left the room. I knew I was doing the right thing but I'm sure Vic wouldn't see it that way.
Mike walked into the room with Vic. They stood in front of me and I made myself stand up. "What's up?" Mike asked and waved.
"Can you help me with something?" I asked.
"Sure." he nodded.
"Vic, could you leave us?" I asked.
"I thought you wanted to look through the trunk?" he asked.
"I do. That's why..." I trailed away.
"Oh, I get it." Vic looked down.
"No, I don't want to hurt you." I rushed. I took his face in my hands. "Please."
"I let you into every part of me, Han'. Why can't you do the same?"
"Do you want to see my remembering loving someone else?!" I exclaimed. "Do you want to watch me smile when I see Robin looking at me the way you do?!"
"I'd do anything for you." Vic replied immediately.
"But do you want to?" I asked weakly.
"It's not a case of me wanting to, Han'."
"I love you." I said. "So please let Mike help me and help me not hurt you."
"Fine." Vic sighed. "I'll be in the music room."
"You have a music room?" Mike asked.
"Third floor." I said without thinking, then covered my mouth with my hand.
"I love you too." Vic said and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed back desperately. We pulled away and Vic left. I sighed and sat back down.
"This is really hard for you. Isn't it?" Mike asked.
"Yeah." I nodded.
"Why?"
"Because the one thing I don't wish to imagine is myself without Vic and without his love. But when I look back it doesn't even matter to me. I don't love him. I love Robin, and it's painful for him to watch." I explained.
"What's it like?" Mike asked.
"What is what like?"
"Being in love." he said simply.
"It's wonderful." I replied.
"Just wonderful?"
"No." I shook my head grimly. "For me it's painful. I can't put it into words. Vic left just a minute ago but I'm already missing him. I feel so vulnerable. The only time I'm safe is when I'm in his arms. I just know that without him I'd die. All of The Haunted die when their person is gone and the demons rage the attack. My attack is over. But that doesn't make much of a difference to me. I know if Vic left me I'd die. I went a week without him and that made me sure that a broken heart could kill you. I believe it."
"Vic's planning everything around you. We were supposed to be home for my Aunt's wedding this week. But Vic said he had to be with you." Mike confessed.
"Is that true?" I asked.
"Yeah, I thought you should know. If you wasn't one of The Haunted, if you were just some kids in high school I still think you'd be together. You'd still love one another. I just don't think it'd be worth dying over." Mike said.
"Mike, don't be silly." I said heavily and patted his knee. "Love is always worth dying over."
"Open the damn trunk." Mike laughed. I rolled my eyes and lifted the lid. I threw it back and it touched the wooden floorboards.
The first thing I noticed was age. The smell just smelt old. I peered inside and my eyes got used to the dust that was lifting up. There wasn't as much as I expected. I was almost scared to touch anything. I dug my hand inside and started pulling things out. There were Christening clothes and Holy Communion dresses. I didn't feel anything from the things I were touching.
I pulled out a chain and saw a locket hanging from it. It was all gold and there were small silver diamonds on the front of the locket. I opened it and saw four slots. There was a black and white photo of myself, then one of a man I remembered to be my step-father, another of a woman with the same hair, nose, jaw and eyes and me and a final photo of my step-brother, Ben. I put it around my neck and tucked it inside my shirt.
I went further inside the box and found a small vanity case. I opened it up and saw the engagement ring Robin had given me inside. It was so beautiful close up. I was almost getting lost in it. But I couldn't help it. It was perfect. I nearly slid it onto my wedding finger. It was mine after all.
"What's that?" Mike asked.
"A ring." I replied and out it in my pocket.
"I can see that."
"It's an engagement ring." I sighed.
"From that Robin guy?" he asked.
"Yeah. Before he left he asked me to marry him."
"What did you say?"
"I said yes." I admitted.
"Does Vic know?"
"No." I shook my head. "I don't love Robin anymore."
"Then why are you keeping the ring?"
"I don't know." I mumbled. "I keep on imagining Robin. Things that we'd do together like having tea and going on walks through the grounds and lying with one another. I think about all the things I shared and I feel nostalgic. It's so sad and it makes me sick to my stomach because if nostalgic for memories that I'm not even sure exist."
"That sucks." Mike noted simply.
"Life sucks." I added.
"But you came back for more." Mike teased.
"Maybe I wanted more love." I shrugged.
I turned back to the trunk. I started taking things out. I didn't feel anything from them. They were all basic things like old cards and presents and a few photographs. I pulled out a big red book. I saw the name 'Hannah Charlotte' on the front in hard written, curly letters. Just holding the book in my hands made me shiver. I could feel it breathing. It was like this book had a heartbeat.
"Can you feel it?" I asked excitedly.
"Feel what?" Mike frowned. I took his hand and rested it on the book.
"It's alive." I whispered.
"Books can't be alive." Mike reminded me.
"I feel like if I open it something bad will happen. Should I?"
"I think you should grow a pair and open it, Han'." he told me. I frowned at his choice of words but opened it. What I saw saddened me. This book was from Ben. He made it before he hung himself. My brother put all of this together. There were letters and photographs and little notes Ben had written.
"Mike," I growled.
"I'm here." he reassured me.
I felt something in my body building up and building up. It was traveling through me and running through my veins. My head was getting hotter and hotter. It felt as if I were trapped. I couldn't do anything. I reached for Mike's hand and he squeezed mine.
I gave into it. I went inside my own head. I fell backwards and my head hit off of the floor. But I didn't care. I saw one of the sitting rooms before I was standing in it. I heard footsteps behind me a turned around.
"I have been looking for you." Ben said. He stopped in front of me and smiled.
"Sorry. I went into the village again." I explained.
"Again." Ben sighed. "How much time will you be spending there, Hannah? Or have you spent there this past year?"
"I spend however long I must in the village." I snapped.
"But in that old pub. You spend far too much time pouring over books."
"Ben, I think you misunderstand me. I do not do it by choice. I do it because it must be done."
"And why is that?"
"Because it is right. It is right for myself and for those like me."
"Right for the landlords daughter?" he questioned.
"Yes." I sighed. "I will not stop until I understand why it is I am plagued with this curse. Until I understand why when I am with Robin my heart feels as though it will beat out of my chest. Until Elsie and I understand how we can survive." I explained.
"What do you mean survive?" Ben asked.
"Since I have spoken to those like me over this year three of them have died horrible deaths. These deaths all occur when the love of our lives leave us alone in the dark. We must stop it." I exclaimed.
"You will not die, Hannah." Ben said firmly. "Death will not come for you."
"I am surrounded by death, Ben. It wouldn't need to come for me, only call my name." I replied.
Then I opened my eyes. I was breathing heavily and could feel my chest rising and falling rapidly. I coughed and looked up. I saw the ceiling of my bedroom. I was lying in my bed. I rolled over and buried my face into the pillow. Someone stroked my hair and I looked up. Vic was smiling gently down at me.
"I love you." I said.
"I know." Vic smiled. "How are you feeling?"
"Tired." I replied. "Maybe weak."
"What did you find out?" he asked seriously.
"I helped people. I knew that I would die and I was trying to find a way to stop it. I was helping other people." I explained.
"Do you know how to help people back in San Diego?" Vic asked.
"I think I need to find people and give them a place to feel safe. I need to try and help them live." I said. "But I want to visit some places first."
"Where?"
"A pub nearby and where I died." I said.
"I found something, Han'." he told me.
"What?" I asked.
"Your death certificate."
"Where?"
"The trunk." he said simply.
"I told you not to."
"I know. But I had to look. I found something else as well."
"What did you find?" I asked.
"I'll show you later. You should go back to sleep." he urged.
"Okay." I nodded. I pulled the covers up and took Vic's hand. "Did you have fun in the music room?" I asked lightly.
"Yeah. I think I should get into music more."
"How did you get out of it?" I asked casually.
"Because I spent all my time worrying about you." he laughed.
"Promise me we'll be together forever." I said.
"I promise." Vic replied.
"Promise me one day we'll be lying in our own bed and everything but one thing will have remained the same."
"What's the one thing?"
"When I go downstairs to make our coffee I'll go and get the mail. All I see are letters addressed to Hannah Fuentes." I told him gently.
"Don't I get any mail?" Vic teased.
"You will." I promised.
"Han', most people only get one forever." Vic reminded me. "I want to spend mine with you." he said sweetly and leant in to kiss me. I kissed him back. It was all that mattered; me, Vic and our forever.

Notes

Hey! So this was a super long chapter. I hope you liked it. What did you think? A lot about love in this one. What about what Hannah saw? What will she find at the pub and tomb? What will happen? Any predictions?

Also for those of you who want to know what I'm doing writing wise but find my personal tumblr to be too depressing and sad I've made a writing blog. On there you can ask me things, submit anything to me. It's entirely to do with writing. I'll be posting some stories, poetry and lyrics written by me. I'll do request too. If you're interested in my original novel I'm writing I'll be documenting my progress on there. So go follow me! My Blog. :)