Break the Barricade

I walked outside with Jaime and Mike. I knew what was coming. Jaime's eyes were so sad. From them it was blatant that he knew. One million emotions; sadness, disappointment, anger, and a hundred others were all hiding in his eyes. I sighed heavily and sat down on the steps of the bus. I looked down and could feel their eyes on me.
"He told you," I stated.
"Yeah," Jaime muttered. "Why?"
"I don't know," I sighed. I put my head in my hands and pulled at my hair.
"You must know! You don't just do something like that for no reason," he said. "Do you not want to be here? Do you want to kill yourself?"
I looked up and glared at Mike. "Wow, thanks. I really needed this," I said dryly.
"Did you expect me to not tell him? I gave you a week, Thea. A whole week to come clean. But you never," Mike said.
"I need longer!" I exclaimed. "It's not an easy thing to tell someone. I thought you'd understand that with Vic!"
"Stop!" Jaime warned. "You didn't answer me," he said sadly.
"I don't," I looked down. "I don't know. Sometimes I get sad,"
"But why do that to make it go away?" Jaime asked desperately. He wasn't angry anymore, he looked as though he was verging tears.
"Please," I tried.
"No, I just want to get inside your head,"
"Sometimes you get filled with so much sadness, the only way to make yourself feel better is for it to get out. Tears aren't enough. Sometimes only my own blood will suffice," I said through gritted teeth.
"But why do you get sad?" Mike sighed.
"I'm not a very nice person," I explained quietly.
"What?! You're the best," Jaime told me.
"I'm not," I laughed bitterly. "When do you read about a nice, beautiful, loved woman lashing out and getting thoughts so loud that she wants to kill everyone in the same room? Or about her pushing people away?"
"You have to work on that, Thea," Jaime sighed tiredly. "And you don't need to push people away,"
"They're better pushed away," I muttered.
"You're wrong," Mike disagreed.
"Stop! I'm disgusting and ugly and I know I am! I don't even know why Vic likes me!"
Jaime rushed over to me and gently held my hands. He looked me in the eyes and smiled sadly. We stayed like that for a while. Until he pulled me against his chest. I breathed deeply against him. "You are none of those things. Thea, you're beautiful. If you weren't Vic wouldn't like you, and he does. He won't break up with you. Jack liked you . . . and so did Matt,"
"Tony's tech Matt?" I frowned and Jaime nodded. "I don't know why," I mumbled.
"You have you believe me," he urged. I nodded silently into his chest. But I was lying, I don't believe him. I can't. "Are they bad?" Jaime finally asked.
"No, they're nothing," I shrugged as I pulled away from him.
"Are you sure?"
"I promise," I told him.
"You need to stop. You need to try and stop, Thea. Just like Vic is. You have to talk to us when things get bad," Jaime said.
"I can't," I said.
"You can,"
"No, I can't," I shook my head. "And I'm not going to sit here and pretend I have it in me to stop. I'm not going to bullshit to either of you. You don't deserve that,"
"Please," Jaime tried.
"No," I sighed angrily. "I'll talk to you. Sure, I can do that. But I can't stop! You can't make me!"
"Can Vic?" Mike suddenly asked.
"What?" I snapped.
"If your own cousin and me, your friend can't make you stop can your boyfriend?"
"That isn't fair!" I shot back. I was standing now and glaring at them.
"You have to tell him,"
"Oh I do?" I laughed humourlessly. "Because you know did he tell me? Oh no, my mistake! Vic just let me walk in on him with his arm sliced open!"
"Stop!" Jaime warned. "You have to tell him,"
"Like fuck I do!"
"I'm not letting you hurt him like that," Mike said through gritted teeth.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"If you don't tell him now, then I will,"
"What?" I muttered. I shook my head violently. My hand found it's way to my mouth. "No," I whispered. "No, no, no, no! You can't make me do this. Please, Jaime," I begged.
"I'm sorry," he sighed.
"Can't I at least have some time? Just please give me that,"
"I did," Mike said tiredly. "You didn't tell Jaime. I can't let Vic fall deeper and deeper in when you're keeping something like this from him. It's not like he wouldn't understand. He'd understand better than anyone,"
"I know, but please!"
"Do this," Jaime urged.
"I-" I tried but stopped. "You're bastards, both of you. You have no understanding of what I'm about to do or what it means to me. You have no clue. Maybe if you did you would rethink forcing me," I said finally before I turned.
I walked back inside the bus and into the front lounge. I saw Vic where I had left him on the couch. I inhaled a sharp, deep breath and walked over. I tapped his shoulder and he looked at me, a wide smile on his face. Can I really do this?
"Did you have a nice talk?" Vic asked casually.
"Actually no," I frowned. "Can we talk, Vic? In private?" I asked. I saw Vic's face drop as he nodded. I knew what he was thinking. But he was wrong. He was so so wrong.
I took Vic's hand and took him through the bunks and into the back lounge. I sat down on the couch and Vic sat next to me. I still held his hand, playing with his fingers. I shuffled close to him and sighed. I rested my head on his shoulder.
"Is everything okay?" Vic asked.
"No," I shook my head.
"Do you want to talk about it? Is it me?"
"No, no," I shook my head. "It's nothing to do with you, Vic. I promise. You make me so happy and you're so perfect,"
"Then what?"
"There's something I need to tell you. Jaime and Mike think I should too,"
"Is it important?"
"I don't know," I shrugged. "But you need to promise you won't be mad. You have to swear to me,"
"I swear," he promised.
I entwined my fingers over Vic's hand so I could guide it. Then I took his hand and brought it under my t-shirt. I saw Vic look at me confused. But then I let his warm fingers glide over all of my scars and cuts. My throat was tight and I closed my eyes. I led his hand under my jeans so he could feel my thighs too.
"Thea," Vic said weakly. I dropped his hand and kept my eyes closed. He was lifting my t-shirt up. I felt him take my face gently in his hands. Then his lips touching mine. I opened my eyes and saw his sad smile.
"I'm sorry," I rushed.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I promise,"
"I don't want you to think it's your fault. It's never your fault. Never think that,"
"Okay," he nodded. "But you're so perfect and I don't want you to ever think that you're not. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. Ugh, come here," Vic sighed. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. I leant my head on his chest and tried to get closer to him. All I needed was Vic. He was the only thing that could make me better. Knowing that he accepted it and was here with me was everything. He was strong, but he was mine.

Notes

Hey! I'm uploading a day early! That means you'll get Simone's a day early too. Anyway, what did you think? It's all out. Were Jaime and Mike right to do that? What is Vic really thinking? There's loads of exciting stuff coming up!

- Kelci