Break the Barricade

And there I was, sitting in the back lounge with my beautiful, sad girlfriend in my arms. I remember the exact words I said to her when she found me after I ran out of the van because Mike was screaming at me. You’d never hurt yourself, I had said. Now I realized how bad it was of me to assume that.
“I’m so sorry,” I muttered in her hair.
“What for?” Thea asked softly.
“For assuming you wouldn’t do that. For not noticing earlier,” I sighed. “I promise you I will be here for you from now on though.”
Thea nodded. “It’s okay,” she replied. “You couldn’t have known.”
“I know, but I was still wrong,” I sighed.
“It’s okay,” she said again.
I kissed her softly on her lips. Then I turned her face so I could look straight into her eyes. “Will you tell me when you feel like doing this? I won’t become angry or disappointed, I promise. I just want to help you.”
She swallowed hard. “Okay,” she whispered. “Will you do the same?”
I nodded. “I promise, but we are not talking about me right now. We’ve talked enough about me,” I said quietly. “Do you want to tell me why?”
Thea shrugged. “Mike and Jaime asked the same,” she said softly. “But I don’t know. I just get sad. I hate myself. Sometimes it just feels like this is the only thing that helps.”
I frowned. I hated seeing her like this, but I tried my best to stop myself from showing it. I needed to be strong for her right now. “I understand,” I told her. “But you shouldn’t hate yourself. You are amazing and beautiful and funny and sweet and caring and I need you so much.”
“Thanks,” she mumbled.
After that we just sat there for a while. I just held her close to me. She wasn’t crying, but maybe she was holding her tears back. I didn’t know. After a while Thea faced me again.
“Maybe I should sleep,” she sighed. “I’m just so tired.”
I nodded. “I understand, sleep then,” I said. I kissed her on her cheek. “Don’t worry too much about this okay? It’s okay. We will all help you. You’ll be okay.”
“Thanks,” she smiled sadly. Then she got up and left to go to her bunk. And I was left alone with my thoughts.

I woke up sad the next morning. I rubbed in my eyes and wondered where the feeling came from. Then I remembered what happened last night and I felt even worse. Thea hurt herself. I didn’t notice. I hadn’t helped her. She had been fighting that battle alone all along. I was so mad at myself for letting that happen. I should’ve been suspicious right away. Wasn’t I supposed to notice it if it happened right in front of me to someone I cared about? I had just been too selfish to see it. Too busy with my own problems. Damn it.
I showered quickly and went to the front lounge. I only found Mike and Jaime there.
“Where are Thea and Tony?” I asked them.
“They were just getting coffee together,” Jaime told me. “Thea wanted to wake you up, but I told her to let you sleep. I think you could sort of use your rest.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t mind,” I assured him. I bit my lip as I started thinking about Thea again. All I could think about right now was her and if she was okay. And about how stupid I had been for not noticing it.
“Vic, are you okay?” Mike asked me, his eyes telling me he already knew the answer.
I shrugged. “Can I just talk to you guys for a second?” I asked softly. I remembered the promises I made. I wanted to keep them.
Jaime and Mike both nodded at the same time and I smiled, because I had the best friends and the best brother. “Talk,” Mike urged.
“Well-” I started, not really sure how to put it. “You guys know about Thea, she told me that.”
“Yeah, what about it?” Jaime asked.
“I feel like shit,” I blurted out. “It’s my fault.”
“What?!” Mike spat. “How is that your fault? She is the one that took a blade to her damn thighs!”
Jaime looked at Mike angrily. “Shut up,” he glared. Then he turned to me. “It’s not your fault Vic, seriously. You couldn’t have known. All you can do now is try your hardest to help her.”
I nodded. “I know, but I can’t help it,” I said. I breathed in slowly, trying to keep it under control. “It just triggers me so much. I didn’t want to cut the entire week and now I want nothing else more. I’m so sorry.”
Mike wrapped his arms around me and gently patted my back. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” he said softly. “You finally told us. I am so proud of you.”
I saw Jaime nodding in agreement.
“Thanks,” I muttered quietly.
“Please don’t cut though,” Jaime said as I pulled away from Mike. “You’ve been doing so well lately. It just isn’t worth it. If you get through it this time it might get easier the next time.”
“I know,” I whispered, just loud enough for them to hear. “It’s just so hard. Damn it.”
“It’s okay, Vic. You’ll be okay,” Mike gave me a convincing smile. “You’re already on the right track by just telling us. By just letting us help you.”
I smiled because somewhere I knew he was right. That still didn’t solve the whole Thea problem though. “But I just want Thea to be okay too,” I mumbled.
Jaime nodded. “I know, me too,” he said sadly. “We all care for her, Vic. We will make her better. I believe we can.”
I thought about it for a second. “I think so too,” I nodded slowly. “It just makes me sad she has to go through it. I know how horrible it is,” I added bitterly.
Jaime nodded again. “It makes us sad too,” Jaime said. He seemed to be at the verge of tears and it really didn’t suit him.
“But we can’t do anything right now,” Mike concluded. “So let’s just sit down and watch a movie. Anything. You deserve some fun distraction before the show,” the last sentence was aimed to me.
Jaime and I both agreed. I had let myself get talked out of cutting and somewhere I felt proud. It was the first time I won.

Notes

Hey, how do you like the fast updates? :) I hope this three days in a row update thing makes up for the times I was slow haha.

What did you think? Are you proud of Vic? I know I am, he is finally recovering! The next chapter is gonna be a fun one, I promise you will like it :')

-Simone