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Why Do You Torture Me So?

Picking Up The Pieces

I've been avoiding Mike once again. When he said that he loved me, I almost lost it. The whole time I walked back to the bus with Tony hugging me, my mind was racing. 'How could someone so perfect like him, love a misfit chick like me. He's so perfect and I'm so...so not.

I stood in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. Everyday is now a constant battle between my mind and my heart. So now is no different. The person in my mind is winning though, They've been winning since I walked on the bridge. Now I sorta wish I had just jumped.

'You're not loved. You're an hideous creature who doesn't deserve their love. Go cut yourself, you emo faggot.' The menacing voice hissed coming out of her dark corner of the room. I never looked at her for I feared what she'd look like. Would she appear to be an ex's face or take on a totally new one?

"Oh shut up.", I muttered rolling my eyes. "You're not me. You can't control me. I'm better than you." I took a deep breathe reaching for the pain pills. My headache was growing by the second and the voice wasn't helping matters.

After taking 4 of them, I walked out into the lounge area to see Vic sitting on the couch reading a book, occasionally turning a page. I walked right over to him and pulled his beanie off of his head and pulled it over my slightly wavy straightened hair. He looked up and whined, noticing that I took his hat from him once again.

"Aliceee...Why do you have to take my hats?" He asked standing up as I took a bottle of water from the fridge. I took a sip as he sighed looking at the fact I'm taller than him. It was cute though. He was always complaining that everyone was taller than him but it just was cool. He didn't care at the end of the day because we could give him piggy back rides.

"Viccccc..." I dragged out his name imitating him. "Because your beanies' rock and the ones I had you took!!!" I replied, sticking my tongue out before attempting to walk back to my bunk. He placed a hand on my shoulder, stopping me.

"Alice...I'm sorry I saw your cuts from before. We were all scared and I'm sorry." Vic said giving me a quick hug as I pulled away and walked to my bunk with tears streaming down my cheeks. I pulled open my curtain to my bunk and climbed in as quickly as I could. I curled up into a ball and began to silently cry.

They cared so much for me but what do I do? I cut and abused their hospitality. I put my headphones in my phone and began to listen to some All Time Low trying to pre occupy my thoughts. I don't know how long I laid there crying but some time later, my bunk was opened.

I felt a hand on my back and as I turned I soon wished I hadn't. I had turned to see a sad Vic, Tony and Jaime standing outside my bunk. Vic and Jaime held sad smiles on their faces while Tony was frowning. Something had to have happened, making my heart speed up against my chest.

"How...How long have you been...been standing there? " I asked looking up at them wiping at the tears. I knew my face was red and smeared with my eyeliner and mascara.

"For long enough to know your not okay." Jaime said as he kneeled down to stroke my hair. I sighed loudly and bit my lip hard trying to stop from bursting into tears. It hurt me so much that I was taking advantage of them. I was loosing a lot of weight from staying in my bunk and they knew that.

"Come here." Jaime said and I slowly got out of my bunk. I stood hearing Tony and them gasp at the weight I lost. I didn't bother to look down before I bolted into the bathroom to vomit.

I stayed there emptying my stomach into the toilet for almost an hour before standing up and walking out.

"I'm going to bed since I'm not feeling good. Good night guys. " I said standing in the door way then climbing into the bunk and quickly falling asleep.