*Jaime’s POV*

I don’t know how long I was sitting there when someone suddenly sat down next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I turned around to find Mike staring at me.

“Are you okay?” he asked with a small flash of worry in his eyes.

No I am not. I feel terrible. People here hate me already. I’m never going to fit in. Nobody likes me anyway. Soon I will fuck up and I will hurt myself again. From then on I am going to slip further into that addiction. I will fuck up and then I will hate myself even more. Why would anyone even want to hang out with me? I suck.

I forced a smile. “Yeah I am fine. I felt a bit sick earlier today, so I hoped some fresh air would do me good,” I said. “It did, so I guess I will go back to class now.”

I got up and wanted to walk back to the school, but before I could Mike grabbed my arm. “There’s no need to lie to me,” he said softly. “I know you’re not fine. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, but you really shouldn’t act fine when you are not. That won’t make you feel better.”

How did he know that? I was about to tell him that I was speaking the truth, that I was actually fine, but then I saw the serious look on his face and I realized that wouldn’t do any good. So instead I shrugged. “I will be fine though,” I told him truthfully. “I will always be fine.”

“Alright then,” Mike nodded. He was slowly walking away, but then he suddenly turned around with a big smile on his face. “You know what?” he said excitedly. “My parents and Vic are away tomorrow night. My parents are away the whole weekend and Vic is sleeping at Kellin’s. I’m throwing a little party. Do you wanna come? It might make you feel better.”

I thought about it for a second. Today was Friday and usually I didn’t do much on Saturdays anyway, but I still decided against it. “A party? Like one of these parties where a lot of teenagers get drunk and make out with anyone they see?” I asked. “Because I guess that’s not really my thing. I wouldn’t know anyone there anyway.”

Mike smiled. “I guess I didn’t put it the right way. No, it’s not that kind of party. It’s going to be just me and about four others. And with you it’d make us six.” Then he lowered his voice. “Don’t tell Vic, but we got weed,” he whispered. “If you want, you could try it. Only if you want it though, you shouldn’t feel like you have to to fit in or anything like that. But if you think it’d be fun, you should come.”

I thought about it before I nodded slowly. “I’ll be there.”

*Vic’s POV*

“Come on Vic,” Kellin sighed. “Don’t be so childish. You know Jesse, Gabe, Justin and Jack are nice guys. Why do you act like it is such a big deal? Come on.”

We were in our chemistry class, which was our last hour of the day. Kellin kept asking me to come to this party with him this Saturday, but I really just feel out of place at parties. I didn’t even know Gabe, the boy who was throwing the party, that well and I knew his friends even less. Gabe lived next to Kellin and Jesse, Justin and Jack are close friends of Gabe, which is how Kellin knows them, but I hardly knew their names. I didn’t feel like going at all.

“Kellin, no,” I said. When I got a disapproving look from the teacher I changed my voice to whispering. “Busy places like that just make me feel lonely. I know Gabe is a good friend of yours, and I know you want to go to his party, but I was hoping we could just stay at home and watch a movie or something.”

I felt sorry for Kellin when I saw the disappointed look on his face. Why was I being such a spoil-sport anyway? But no matter how much I wanted to do this for Kellin, I just couldn’t do that to myself. I was trying to get better and I actually was getting better and a party like that would just make me feel bad again. All the happy smiling people who didn’t know me would be ignoring me and I would be lonely there and whenever they laughed I would think they were laughing about me and Kellin would of course try to look after me but he had friends there so I would even be a burden to him.

“You know what?” Kellin snapped. “If you want to stay at home, whatever, but I’m going to that party. Why can’t you just get over it? The people there won’t bite. Excluding yourself from everyone other than me is not going to help you. I wish you would finally realize that yourself, god damn it!”

That hurt. I didn’t even bother replying him, I was afraid I would burst into tears. It was the first time Kellin ever snapped or swore at me. He most probably was right though. I actually was overreacting and it surprised me that Kellin didn’t get sick of my whining earlier. Why was he with me anyway?I was constantly sharing my shit with him. Every once in a while I had a mental breakdown and Kellin was always there to support me. He never left me, even after he discovered how fucked up I really was he stayed. Of course he would get sick of me at some point. And that point would probably come sooner rather than later. Why did I have to be so annoying? I was going to lose him.

***
Kellin and I didn’t talk anymore at all that lesson. After the bell rung we didn’t even say goodbye, we just separated ways and went home. Mike was in my car with me and I had to bite my lip really hard to stop myself from crying. This was the first real fight Kellin and I got in. And the worst part of it was that it was my own stupid fault. I was the one being a complete dick. I was so messed up I couldn’t even go to a party. Every other teenager would’ve loved to go, but of course to me it was one of the worst scenarios ever. God damn it.

“Hey Vic, are you okay?” Mike asked softly. I only noticed now that the tears actually were streaming down my face. Now my little brother would get all worried about me too. Great.

“I’m fine,” I said, even though I knew he wouldn’t buy it. “Kellin and I just got into a little fight, that’s all.”

We arrived at our house and I quickly left the car and went inside. All I could think about right now was the cool metal of my blade on my arm. I ran up the stairs, walked into my room and locked the door. I had just gotten my blade from underneath my mattress when I heard Mike calling and knocking on my door.

“Vic! Open up!” Mike shouted. “You’re not hurting yourself are you?”

“No I am not!” I shouted back. I quickly hid my blade under my pillow and I opened the door. “See? I am fine,” I lied. “But please, just let me be alone for a while okay? I need it.”

Mike nodded slowly. “Just don’t hurt yourself okay? You deserve better than that.”

I quickly nodded. Mike was my little brother, but he was taking care of me like he was older. I loved him and I hated myself for lying to him, but the truth wouldn’t quite work out either would it?

Mike left and I closed the door behind me. I grabbed the blade and my breathing steadied as I dragged it across the skin of my left arm. I watched the blood appear on the surface of my arm. It fascinated me. It calmed me down.

Only then it hit me; I threw two weeks of fighting away, just because I had one weak moment. Kellin and Mike were going to be so disappointed. I had to make sure they didn’t discover. They shouldn’t have to worry about me and my bullshit anyway. They were young too, they had to enjoy their lives. I just had to hide this so they wouldn’t get hurt.

God damn it why did I have to be so such a fuck up?

Notes

It might take until friday before the next chapter is up, so sorry for that already :/

AND I'M GOING TO SEE PTV LIVE FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH BMTH IN THREE WEEKS and omg