Somebody's Supposed to Fall In Love
Chapter Six: Swamped
I’ve been hanging out with Vic and Mike for about three months. My bond with the boys has become remarkably strong as well as my will to not cut. I haven’t cut in three months and seven days. It was harder with each passing day and I’ve lain in bed, crying my eyes out to resist the urge to relapse. The boys didn’t know it, but they’ve been keeping me strong. Tony was a different story. I’ve only hung out with him 3 other times since the first time I went to the Fuentes house and I doubt even those count seeing as how we acted as if the other wasn’t there. I obviously understand my own reluctance to try and befriend him, but why does he act like he’s got something to lose by speaking to me? Whatever…
Today’s been pretty long…
‘But you got to hang out with gorgeous guys!’ inner squealed.
I rolled my eyes and smiled. Ya’know, I should give you a name!
She thought for a moment, ‘…Why?’
I shrugged. It’s kinda hard to bitch at someone with no real name.
‘…You care too much for your own damn good, ya’know.
’
Hm?
‘Life just hasn’t been fair to you. You go through so much shit but you’re too gentle for the cards life has dealt you.’
I don’t understand…
‘Phoenix, you cut, you’re insecure, jumpy, you have trust issues and…’
…What is it?
‘…Nothing. So about that name!’
I laughed uneasily. Okay! How about Phe? Like, I took on the last part and you can have the beginning! I think I’ts creative…
She actually laughed, ‘I like it…mute.’
I grinned, knowing our relationship was slowly making positive progress as well. If Phe and I had a positive attitude towards each other, I’d find internal harmony and have a little more peaceful mind.
I finished up in the shower and threw on a black crop top that stopped right below my breast and slid on a pair or black and white checkered boxers. I decided to let my hair stay down and air-dry. I was conservative in public but I preferred thin pajamas and shorts. I stepped from behind my creaky door and noticed all of the lights in the house were off.
Everyone must be sleeping…
I headed down to the kitchen for a snack. I decided on a small bag of chips and was reaching for it when there was a knock at the front door. I jumped, staring at the door. I closed the cabinet and headed to the door. I slowly opened it and Vic and Mike were standing on the porch.
Mike whistled, “Wow. You should consider dressing like this more often, you’ve definitely got the body for it.”
I’d totally forgotten about my attire after the startling knock at the door. It was as if my cheeks were lit on fire. I can’t believe that I forgot I was practically naked!
“Shut up Mike,” Vic growled at him, glaring. I thought it was funny seeing as how Vic blushed and attempted give me a secret once-over before his brother even said a thing.
‘You’re not slick, Vicky!’ Phe giggled.
I looked at them expectantly. Surely there was a reason they were at my doorstep at 11 p.m.
“Could we talk, Nix?” Vic asked carefully. I had a feeling I knew what this was about and sighed, opening the door so they could step in. I led them to the living room- which was uncomfortable because I’m 150% positive they were checking out my ass.
‘Perverted bastards.’
I saw Mike shoot someone a quick text and heard a bit of rustling upstairs.
We sat in silence for quite some time and I began to become annoyed.
Just get on with it! Why are you stalling?
“Doesn’t feel very nice, eh?” Vic whispered once he noticed my annoyance. I visibly flinched at his words and shrunk back. I saw that he was immediately remorseful but said nothing.
A solemn faced Jaime came trotting down the stairs and I knew this was serious.
“Hey Nix, we need to- what are you wearing?” Jaime gaped once he walked into the dimply lit room.
Mike laughed, “I know right. She looks pretty hot, eh?”
Jaime nodded, “I like your hair down.”
I accepted the comment with an aching blush.
“Alright guys, we didn’t come here to hit on Nix,” Vic grumbled.
Mike sat up and opened his mouth to object but was quickly cut off by his brother’s sharp glare and clenched jaw.
“Right?” Vic stared.
Mike pouted and leaned back as Jaime took a seat on the couch. They were all seated on the bigger chair diagonal of the loveseat I was restlessly squirming on.
“Nix, we’d like to know why you don’t talk,” Vic dead-panned in a gentle whispered, his hands laced together and his arms resting on his legs. He was leaned towards me with passionate brown eyes.
My body went rigid and I became angry.
Are they fucking serious?
“We’re not saying it has to be tonight or tomorrow or next week. But…we’re worried and we want you to know we care and that you’ve always got someone talk to- when you want to talk that is,” Vic quickly mended.
My body was stiff and I felt paralyzed. My eyes were boring holes into the ground and I felt myself clench my fists.
“Why are you crying, doll..?” Mike asked with soft eyes.
I didn’t realize till he said something. I reached up to touch my damp cheeks and stared at my wet finger tips.
I should have seen this coming…I knew they’d get worried…that they’d want answers.
‘We don’t owe them anything. Nix, I want you to talk but only when you’re ready. I just want you to know I agree with them as well.’ Phe whispered with the most concern in her voice that I’ve ever heard.
So they’ve got you in on this too huh? I snarled.
I began shaking my head rather viciously and jumping to my feet. I felt my chest tightening in a twisted pain and my throat closing up.
Vic reached out to me but I fiercely pulled away from his touch, snarling.
“Nix listen, we’re not here to make you talk. It just hurts us that you feel you can’t trust us enough to be happy…with us,” Vic whispered, stepping closer to me. I backed away and felt my pointless anger slipping from my grasp.
Jaime and Mike were still seated on the seat, looking as if they didn’t dare move but they wanted to so bad. Everything is so confusing.
I want to be angry so badly. I am angry.
“Just…please,” Jaime pleaded. His sad expression simply didn’t belong on his face.
This is exactly what I feared…I’m fucking everything up and I haven’t even said a word.
‘Pull your head out of your ass!’ Phe snapped ferociously. She’s never been so livid.
‘They are trying to pull you out of your own damn way- to show you speaking won’t change how much they care for you! Here you are, determined to make yourself miserable. Wake the fuck up and realize that you’re hurting the people that love you by being quiet. Since no one else will say it, I will; what you believe to be right is wrong. You better realize it before you lose them. They won’t wait forever for someone who’s not even trying.’
A slap to the face.
I-I…I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…
‘Yet another problem…You’re too soft.’
I flinched and the boys seemed confused at my strange reaction. They weren’t aware I was fighting an internal war.
‘ You need to face your fears before they destroy you. I’m in your head…I know you’ve thought of suicide on several occasions.’
A kick to the stomach.
‘I know you’ve imagined yourself bleeding out on a tiled floor with a smile on your face. I know about the morbid thoughts you have of feeling nothing but weightlessness after your death. I know that you would’ve been long gone if I weren’t keeping you at bay; long before you’d even met these boys. I was around when your parents died. The trauma of their death is what enhanced my presene and gave me a voice in your conscience mind. I was fully aware of the fact you felt nothing for long…till you met them, your first real friends… I know that you’ve tried to-…’
A blood-thirsty vice tightening around my neck.
‘I know you love these boys and…I know it’s not entirely platonic to some degree with one of the four... If you destroy yourself, you take them down with you…’
I fall to my knees, bawling my eyes out in my hands.
All three rushed to my side. Mike was rubbing my back and Jaime was gently pulling my hair from my face, whispering little things to comfort me. Vic had a loose but steady grip on my wrists and gaze. I’m sure I looked broken and crazed.
“Nix…” Vic whispered.
I sniffled.
He went to rub his thumbs across my wrists to comfort me but froze.
“I…I can feel your scars,” he gasped, tears welling in his own eyes. This was it. Everything was crumbling around me and I simply couldn’t breathe. My emotions swelled and confused each other to the point of insanity. Everything was clouded with tears and my head was pounding. I could make out Phe’s faint whispers to calm down and to try and breathe before I passed out- But I can’t.
I’m not getting oxygen to my brain. Phe’s getting weaker…
Everything hurts. Nothing makes sense anymore.
“Phoenix…Y-You… D-Do y-y-you c-cut?” Vic stammered.
A raw and painfully powerful strike to the chest.
The comfort of the mysterious darkness swallowed me up and snatched me from the shore of the conscience and into the sea of the overwhelmed and damned.
Today’s been pretty long…
‘But you got to hang out with gorgeous guys!’ inner squealed.
I rolled my eyes and smiled. Ya’know, I should give you a name!
She thought for a moment, ‘…Why?’
I shrugged. It’s kinda hard to bitch at someone with no real name.
‘…You care too much for your own damn good, ya’know.
’
Hm?
‘Life just hasn’t been fair to you. You go through so much shit but you’re too gentle for the cards life has dealt you.’
I don’t understand…
‘Phoenix, you cut, you’re insecure, jumpy, you have trust issues and…’
…What is it?
‘…Nothing. So about that name!’
I laughed uneasily. Okay! How about Phe? Like, I took on the last part and you can have the beginning! I think I’ts creative…
She actually laughed, ‘I like it…mute.’
I grinned, knowing our relationship was slowly making positive progress as well. If Phe and I had a positive attitude towards each other, I’d find internal harmony and have a little more peaceful mind.
I finished up in the shower and threw on a black crop top that stopped right below my breast and slid on a pair or black and white checkered boxers. I decided to let my hair stay down and air-dry. I was conservative in public but I preferred thin pajamas and shorts. I stepped from behind my creaky door and noticed all of the lights in the house were off.
Everyone must be sleeping…
I headed down to the kitchen for a snack. I decided on a small bag of chips and was reaching for it when there was a knock at the front door. I jumped, staring at the door. I closed the cabinet and headed to the door. I slowly opened it and Vic and Mike were standing on the porch.
Mike whistled, “Wow. You should consider dressing like this more often, you’ve definitely got the body for it.”
I’d totally forgotten about my attire after the startling knock at the door. It was as if my cheeks were lit on fire. I can’t believe that I forgot I was practically naked!
“Shut up Mike,” Vic growled at him, glaring. I thought it was funny seeing as how Vic blushed and attempted give me a secret once-over before his brother even said a thing.
‘You’re not slick, Vicky!’ Phe giggled.
I looked at them expectantly. Surely there was a reason they were at my doorstep at 11 p.m.
“Could we talk, Nix?” Vic asked carefully. I had a feeling I knew what this was about and sighed, opening the door so they could step in. I led them to the living room- which was uncomfortable because I’m 150% positive they were checking out my ass.
‘Perverted bastards.’
I saw Mike shoot someone a quick text and heard a bit of rustling upstairs.
We sat in silence for quite some time and I began to become annoyed.
Just get on with it! Why are you stalling?
“Doesn’t feel very nice, eh?” Vic whispered once he noticed my annoyance. I visibly flinched at his words and shrunk back. I saw that he was immediately remorseful but said nothing.
A solemn faced Jaime came trotting down the stairs and I knew this was serious.
“Hey Nix, we need to- what are you wearing?” Jaime gaped once he walked into the dimply lit room.
Mike laughed, “I know right. She looks pretty hot, eh?”
Jaime nodded, “I like your hair down.”
I accepted the comment with an aching blush.
“Alright guys, we didn’t come here to hit on Nix,” Vic grumbled.
Mike sat up and opened his mouth to object but was quickly cut off by his brother’s sharp glare and clenched jaw.
“Right?” Vic stared.
Mike pouted and leaned back as Jaime took a seat on the couch. They were all seated on the bigger chair diagonal of the loveseat I was restlessly squirming on.
“Nix, we’d like to know why you don’t talk,” Vic dead-panned in a gentle whispered, his hands laced together and his arms resting on his legs. He was leaned towards me with passionate brown eyes.
My body went rigid and I became angry.
Are they fucking serious?
“We’re not saying it has to be tonight or tomorrow or next week. But…we’re worried and we want you to know we care and that you’ve always got someone talk to- when you want to talk that is,” Vic quickly mended.
My body was stiff and I felt paralyzed. My eyes were boring holes into the ground and I felt myself clench my fists.
“Why are you crying, doll..?” Mike asked with soft eyes.
I didn’t realize till he said something. I reached up to touch my damp cheeks and stared at my wet finger tips.
I should have seen this coming…I knew they’d get worried…that they’d want answers.
‘We don’t owe them anything. Nix, I want you to talk but only when you’re ready. I just want you to know I agree with them as well.’ Phe whispered with the most concern in her voice that I’ve ever heard.
So they’ve got you in on this too huh? I snarled.
I began shaking my head rather viciously and jumping to my feet. I felt my chest tightening in a twisted pain and my throat closing up.
Vic reached out to me but I fiercely pulled away from his touch, snarling.
“Nix listen, we’re not here to make you talk. It just hurts us that you feel you can’t trust us enough to be happy…with us,” Vic whispered, stepping closer to me. I backed away and felt my pointless anger slipping from my grasp.
Jaime and Mike were still seated on the seat, looking as if they didn’t dare move but they wanted to so bad. Everything is so confusing.
I want to be angry so badly. I am angry.
“Just…please,” Jaime pleaded. His sad expression simply didn’t belong on his face.
This is exactly what I feared…I’m fucking everything up and I haven’t even said a word.
‘Pull your head out of your ass!’ Phe snapped ferociously. She’s never been so livid.
‘They are trying to pull you out of your own damn way- to show you speaking won’t change how much they care for you! Here you are, determined to make yourself miserable. Wake the fuck up and realize that you’re hurting the people that love you by being quiet. Since no one else will say it, I will; what you believe to be right is wrong. You better realize it before you lose them. They won’t wait forever for someone who’s not even trying.’
A slap to the face.
I-I…I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…
‘Yet another problem…You’re too soft.’
I flinched and the boys seemed confused at my strange reaction. They weren’t aware I was fighting an internal war.
‘ You need to face your fears before they destroy you. I’m in your head…I know you’ve thought of suicide on several occasions.’
A kick to the stomach.
‘I know you’ve imagined yourself bleeding out on a tiled floor with a smile on your face. I know about the morbid thoughts you have of feeling nothing but weightlessness after your death. I know that you would’ve been long gone if I weren’t keeping you at bay; long before you’d even met these boys. I was around when your parents died. The trauma of their death is what enhanced my presene and gave me a voice in your conscience mind. I was fully aware of the fact you felt nothing for long…till you met them, your first real friends… I know that you’ve tried to-…’
A blood-thirsty vice tightening around my neck.
‘I know you love these boys and…I know it’s not entirely platonic to some degree with one of the four... If you destroy yourself, you take them down with you…’
I fall to my knees, bawling my eyes out in my hands.
All three rushed to my side. Mike was rubbing my back and Jaime was gently pulling my hair from my face, whispering little things to comfort me. Vic had a loose but steady grip on my wrists and gaze. I’m sure I looked broken and crazed.
“Nix…” Vic whispered.
I sniffled.
He went to rub his thumbs across my wrists to comfort me but froze.
“I…I can feel your scars,” he gasped, tears welling in his own eyes. This was it. Everything was crumbling around me and I simply couldn’t breathe. My emotions swelled and confused each other to the point of insanity. Everything was clouded with tears and my head was pounding. I could make out Phe’s faint whispers to calm down and to try and breathe before I passed out- But I can’t.
I’m not getting oxygen to my brain. Phe’s getting weaker…
Everything hurts. Nothing makes sense anymore.
“Phoenix…Y-You… D-Do y-y-you c-cut?” Vic stammered.
A raw and painfully powerful strike to the chest.
The comfort of the mysterious darkness swallowed me up and snatched me from the shore of the conscience and into the sea of the overwhelmed and damned.
Hey guys its me, R.W. I broke my laptop (yes the new one I just freaking got) and got it back 2 days ago. I've tried signing in with my google account and its not allowing me to! So I made a new one with my tumblr in hopes of getting some help. Is there anyway I can get my account back? Or transfer my story? I'd be devastated if I lost access to everything.
If I do, have to start over I will rewrite this story. I read through it before I broke my computer and I feel that there is a difference in "skill" when you read chapter 1 vs. chapter 41. It's very cringy actually.SO, IF THERE'S NO SOLUTION, I may just make serious revisions via copy+paste ==> microsoft word, edit and post it on the account I am currently posting this comment with. Thanks for reading through this and I'd appreciate help if you know anything! Comment or message me with tips and suggestions please!
6/4/15