I slammed my locker shut and roughly shifted my backpack. The last few weeks have been total shit and I don’t know how much longer I can watch myself tailspin into dull depression. But through it all, I've managed to stay clean.

Its only second period and I’m ready to retreat to the seclusion that only my room can offer. I’ve noticed that I’ve lost a bit of weight and have become paler. I’ve grown much too sluggish to actually dress up so I’ve reverted back to my old style; over sized tops and skinny jeans.

Vic and Mike could be dead for all I know. Jaime still goes over their house and I’ve stopped trying to tag along. I don’t hang out with Tony much because his girlfriend has made sure to try and accompany us every time- she’s beyond insecure.

I looked up and noticed Vic standing across the hall, talking with Mike and Jaime. My stomach flipped when he flashed a quick smile at something Jaime said and I impulsively walked up to them.

“Hey guys!” I smiled excitedly.

Vic’s eyes slightly widened after he indiscreetly scanned my face.

Did I really look that different?

“Hey Nix,” Jaime waved awkwardly. There was a tense pause and I was ready to cry.

‘We’re clearly not welcomed anymore,’ Phe spat.

“So um…what’s going on..?” I asked, trying to start a conversation with the boys who were my life just a few months ago.

Vic nodded at Mike and Jaime and began to walk away. Mike tossed his bag over his shoulder and headed in the opposite direction, leaving only Jaime by my side. I stared at Vic’s retreating figure about four feet away.

“So that’s it, huh?” I called softly, gripping my backpack strap. “You want nothing to do with me anymore? After everything- you’re just going to walk away from me Vic?”

Vic stopped but didn’t turn around and boy am I glad he didn’t. I was a mess; a trembling, anxiety stricken mess. The words passing my lips faster than the thoughts shooting around my mind.

“You were one of my closest friends. You held my hand the night I broke down- you were the first face I saw when I woke up…I started talking because of you. Imagine you’re only platform giving way just when you thought things could only get better? What its like to be given a taste of happiness and then being thrown back into your own darkness? Do you have any idea what I’m going through?”

My voice was slowly raising from a whisper to a stern indoor voice, everything I’ve been thinking about pouring out of my mouth.

“I miss you so much but it’s like you don’t even know who I am. Why am I the only one in pain- why am I the only one suffering? It’s not fair,” I spoke with a trembling voice, my hands and arms gesticulating a little more than usual.

Vic turned towards me and we stared at each other for what felt like three lifetimes. His eyes weren’t as lively as I remembered and his hair looked a little tamer. His face was so straight- the most stoic I’ve ever seen it.

“…You’re so selfish.”

I visibly flinched at his words and he turned his back to me, heading in the direction of his class.

“Phoenix he’s-”

“It doesn’t matter,” I shook, cutting off Jaime.

“Nothing matters anymore,” I stuttered, my lip trembling. He was so cold; colder than I thought possible. With my head down, I walked to class. My throat burned and a single tear tracked down my cheek and traced my lip, leaving the bitter taste of heart-break on the tip of my tongue.

---

“Good afternoon, freak,” Tinley laughed, strolling up to me with her Barbie-like wedges clicking against the tile floor. It was the end of the day- finally. Vic’s words rang in my ears all day and I’m sure I’d flunked every class work assignment I was given today. Tinley was the last thing on my mind.

“So I was wondering,” she began, tapping her chin, “How can you possibly stand being you? You’re ugly, less than a handful of friends…”

She continued but I sort of blocked her out, standing still with my arms hanging loosely at my sides and shoulder hunched as she tried to tear me down with the lash of her intestinally brutal words.

“…And the worst of them all? You’re a fucking foster kid!” she snorted, shaking her head. “I’m sure Mommy and Daddy would be disappointed that their daughter was a mute for a ninety-eight percent of their life.”

My fists clenched at the mention of my parents- that was fucking taboo and she crossed the line.

“My parents are none of your business,” I said through clenched teeth, trying to keep my temper in check. The mention of my parents was almost debilitating to me- I loathed talking about their loss and the fact that she mentioned them such a disrespectful manor nearly threw me into a fiery pit of bloodlust. I’d never want to someone to feel this way- the thought of Vic taking something as harsh as her insensitive insults completely convinced me that I’m doing the right thing.

Even if it means he wants nothing to do with me…

Controlling my anger was so much harder now that I talked. Not even thinking about the possibility of articulation, I never felt the need to say anything. I never had to actually bite my tongue.

‘Be smart about this. I’ll be the first to tell you I’ve wanted you to beat this bimbo’s ass for the longest time but don’t do it just to do it. If you can, walk away,’ Phe advised wisely.

R-Right.

“Apparently they’re none of yours either seeing as how you know as much about them as I do,” she chortled with an innocent tone but hideously sinister smirk curling her lips.

“Don’t speak on things you don’t know shit about,” I growled, taking a step towards her.

She took a confident step forward, her hands on her hips, “Truth hurts, huh?”

I took in a sharp breath. I glanced beyond her and noticed a small crowd gathering and bystanders passing by with curious eyes, staring at Tinsley and I.

“Tinsley just shut the hell up,” Tony called from the crowd. “You’ve done enough,” he growled.

“Oh c’mon!” she laughed.

“I’m serious, leave her alone.”

“Or what?- Wait, why do you even care? She’s nothing to you.”

He looked away, “That has nothing to do with you treating her like shit. You have no clue what I think of her.”

Anger flashed in Tinsley's eyes, "So you do feel something for this trash?"

“Say, what do I say to someone struggling with the fact that their parents didn’t want them? That threw her in a little wooden box and left her on a stranger’s doorstep? Someone with no real friends and will never be worth shit?” she called as if asking for a real answer.

I would have preferred her slap me than say all of that. It stung and I felt my heart beating in my ears, my neck growing warm. Everything that I’ve been feeling these past few months had all jumped on a bus and hit me right in my chest. The loss of my friends, Vic’s coldness and the reminder of my parent’s death was too much.

‘Nix…Please try to calm down. This- This really hurts!’ Phe cried out at the end of her sentence. I’ve never heard an ounce of pain in her voice- ever.

I-I’m so sorry Phe, I-

I looked down, shaking and tears hitting the cold tile floor.

“Tinley,” Tony called with an aggressive tone of warning.

She leaned forward slightly, “Awe, you’re crying now? Want me to go get your blade from your locker? Doesn’t that make little shits like you feel better?”

I covered my mouth with my hand and spluttered for something to say. I kept my eyes on the ground.

She leaned close enough for me to smell her cheap coconut shampoo, “Or how about a rope? I’m sure you know how to tie a noose.”

The hot tears fell faster and my fists clenched tighter, my nails digging into the skin of my hands. I kept my head to the ground and she continued her verbal assault.

“You’ll always be a mute to me. Nothing you say will ever matter because you’re nothing but a meaningless speck on this Earth. You’ll never be worth anything to anyone. From your looks to your personality- you’re boring! Just fucking end it all, I don’t doubt for a second you’ve tried anyway. Finish the job already!”

"Dammit Tinsley!"

“Do you take after your mom or your dad? Guess we’ll never know!” she smirked, her voice growing louder, “I guess they didn’t want to raise a kid that could be as much of a loser as them.”

I slowly looked up at her, my eyes hard and my body rigid. I noticed the crowd had grown and the whispers became more distinct.

Tinley smiled at me with artificial warmth.

My tears continued to flood down my reddened face- I’m sure she loved the view! But…I’m not baring the embarrassment of my flushed face and heavy tears because I’m worthless, because I’m boring, or because I cut. I’m not looking into her spiteful blue depths because she knows I’m a foster kid or the fact that I’ve tried to kill myself. My wet hazel eyes were staring menacingly at her blue ones because she insulted the two people that loved me more than their own lives. She spat on the names of the people that sacrificed themselves for my sake; the people that threw it all away for the baby in the backseat.

With my jaw clenched, I hardened my fist and swung at her mouth. It collided with her ruby red lips and she immediately stumbled back, her head moving with the impact. Before she could fall back, I grabbed her by the collar of her floral print shirt, her cheap perfume filling my flared nostrils.

“You don’t know shit about my parents. You don’t have the right to assess the relationship I had with them. I don’t care how worthless or boring I am- talk shit about my family and I swear…I hope God looks away.”

The shock of the blow wore off and her adrenaline subdued the pain of what I’m sure is a dislocated jaw, “I’ll say whatever I want about your asshole parents, you bitc-”

Wordlessly, I slammed my knee into her gut. She leaned forward and gasped for air, the sound of her struggle right in my ear. On lookers gasped at my brutal attack but did nothing. Wasn’t that how it always was? No one did anything for anyone that wasn’t them. If it didn’t concern them, they simply watched. So many times I’d get jumped and people simply turned the other way, ignoring my battered and weak body limping home. That’s how it is, you’re either prey or predator- there is no referee. If you’re screwed over or at a disadvantage, it’s up to you and you can’t expect anyone to help you out.

I’m not out to see Tinsley struggle or in pain; I’m simply informing her that she can’t step on me anymore in a way that she’ll understand perfectly. Words don’t process well with people with sinful tongues; their lives are based around ruining others.

With a stoic face, I noisily slammed her into the lockers and cocked my head to the side.

“You know…you should have been the mute.”

She was still struggling for air and her face was contorted in ache. I disregarded her obvious suffering and tightened my grip on her shirt.

“Everything you say, matters,” I continued. I could see the confusion in her pained features.

“You’re a bitch that tears people down and so many would be better off without you’re negative and impactful input. If you were the one to keep your mouth closed, so many wouldn’t have transferred or gone home crying. So many people would actually be happy and I’d have been minus a few painful experiences. You are an example of a true waste of human life. You spoil and rotten everyone one you step on and you feel no remorse… you’re truly sickening,” I said with an unintentionally monotone voice. At this point, I was saying everything that came to mind while I had her undivided attention.

“But…I feel bad for you,” I continued, looking into her scared eyes. I mentally frowned at her frightened behavior. I didn’t want her fear- I wanted her to listen and actually consider everything I was saying. I got no pleasure from causing her pain, it’s just about time someone put her in her place.

“Something is really fucked up with you and you need serious help. If I have to kick your ass to get it through your head that you can’t just say whatever you fucking want then dammit- I will. Just don’t be a witch your whole life. Don’t let that be your legacy, Tinsley.”

“Pheonix…” I heard a soft voice call through all the mumbling. I slowly released her shirt with wide eyes and she slid down the lockers, holding her mouth and panting. With my hands still slightly extended and my mouth somewhat agape, I slowly turned around. Confused and distressed hazel met sorrowful and concerned brown. I looked over at Tinsley, her lipstick smeared and her eyes watering.

I did that.

Vic tried making his way towards me but I shook my head. Confused, he stopped. With weak knees, I cut through the eerily silent crowd as I saw Tony and the Principal rushing down the opposite hall and towards the crowd. Hidden by the thick swarm of students, I saw Tony searching the crowd for me and not sparing a glance at his shell-shocked girlfriend. The crowd split as I hurriedly walked through and exited the school, Tony and the principal probably asking where I was.

I was walking and my pace slowly turned to a light jog. Next thing I knew, I was sprinting home in tears, throwing the door to the empty house open and tossing my bag somewhere along my way up the stairs to my room. Warm and heavy tears were pouring from my eyes as I tore my room apart in anger. I threw around the pillows of my room and ripped a few pictures of me with the guys. I found a picture of Vic and I laughing and I nearly fell to my knees. We were standing side by side on the front steps of the school. His hair was shining and his smile was bright. I was holding my stomach, my mouth open and eyes clenched shut. He was looking over at me with so much passion and pride at making me laugh- his eyes portrayed so much adoration for me that it made me sick just thinking about the fact I'd never seen it before. I carefully tore myself from the picture and stared at his happy, tanned face.

He can be just as happy without me...I'm sure of it.

With resolve, I slowly made my way to my bathroom and pulled open the sink drawer. The jagged blade that had been drenched in blood and tears more times than I could ever count shined welcomingly in the yellow light from the bulb over my mirror. No one was home so I didn’t bother locking or closing any doors.

I slid down my bathroom sink and threw off my shirt, leaving me only in my bra and jeans. The thin piece of metal was in the palm of my shaking hand, waiting to taste the warm, red substance. The cold air and anticipation made me shiver.

“Six months, two weeks and six days…” I mumbled to myself as I held the edge of the blade of the blade to my pale arm. Slowly, I dragged the sharp edge across my arm, hissing.

“Because I’m boring,” I mumbled.

I pressed harder on the next cut.

“Since I’m worthless,” I said, chocking.

Completely aware that I was cutting dangerously deep, I continued.

“I’m meaningless,” I cried.

Everything was moving faster and each cut became sloppier than the last.

“I have no friends,” I sobbed.

The blood was trailing down the side of my arm and dripping onto my pants and the tiled bathroom floor.

‘You’re better than this,’ Phe’s voice called so lightly. It was so weak I hardly caught it. That familiar pain on the side of my head made me groan and I felt my arm weakly attempt to put the blade down but I quickly overruled. After Phe’s futile attempt at stopping me, I felt myself drifting. I went to drag the blade across my arm one more time- this would be the deepest of them all; this would scar the worst. This final cut would define every other mark on my arm.

“Because…Because I’m selfish.”

An unfamiliar numbness gripped me from my toes and to the ends of every strand of hair on my head.

I think this it, I sighed contently.

Blood still pouring from my arm, I allowed my body to slump and my eyes fluttered closed.

A well deserved ending...

Notes

...yeah. I wanted Nix to sound and act a bit erratic and crazy so if you're like "...What the hell?" ...

Mission accomplished xD

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Topic of the day: ...What do you think of this chapter?