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Trigger Warning.

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“Hi,” Alyssa pecked my cheek, and I smiled weakly at her, pulling her into my arms.

“Hi, kid,” I murmured.

“You ready to go?” she questioned. I nodded and stood up, her sliding off of my lap. Our fingers intertwined naturally as we walked to the car. It’s been a few days since Alyssa accepted my prom invitation, and we were really happy that night. I almost forgot about the way I have been feeling lately, just reveling in Alyssa’s happiness. When she was happy, I was happy; that could only last so long, though—borrowed happiness.

This past week, though, I’ve been unnecessarily snappy with everyone—Alyssa and Mike, specifically. We all had another brief argument because they were forcing me to attend therapy. They described it as “encouraging”, but I knew I had no choice. I tried not to whine like a baby about it, but I really didn't want to go. Deep down, though, I knew I needed it.

The problem with that, though, was that even though I needed it, I didn’t necessarily want it.

“What are you doing?” I asked when she got into the driver’s seat.

“I’m driving. I don’t trust that you’ll not get us lost,” she stuck her tongue out at me. I laughed and went into the passenger seat, realizing that she was right. I probably would have tried to avoid the office we were going to. It was weird seeing her drive though. I had become so used to always driving her around.

I sighed when we started on our way. “It’s going to be good for you,” she said.

I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded. “I promise you’re going to be okay,” she whispered. I closed my eyes and nodded again. I didn’t understand what has been wrong with me lately—I guess all of the real drama has ended, so everything had finally slowed down, giving my real feelings a chance to catch up to me.

Before I knew it, we were already there. I sighed again. Alyssa killed the ignition and put her hand on my arm. “Vic,” she said gently. I looked at her and swallowed the lump in my throat. “I love you a lot, okay?”

“Just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I don’t love you, too!” I snapped. It just means that I don’t love myself, or my life… I immediately closed my eyes and rested my head back. What I said wasn’t that bad, but the way I said it was with a lot of unnecessary bitterness. “Sorry,” I murmured.

“Vic, it’s fine,” she said gently—always so understanding.

I nodded slowly and started to exit the car. I waited for Alyssa to come around so I could hold her hand, and we walked in together. The woman at the front desk smiled warmly, and I approached her with a weak smile.

“Hi, I have an orientation at four-thirty with Dr. Brenner? Victor Fuentes,” I said.

“Ah, okay, great. Hello, Victor,” she slid across a clipboard. “Please fill these out for me. She’ll be out shortly,” she smiled. I nodded and took the papers and a pen. I sat down in a chair next to Alyssa and I started to fill out all of my information—my name, my birth date, my social security number, my address… all things I found pointless for this purpose. For a lot of purposes, too, but I wouldn’t admit that out loud.

When I finished, I handed the woman back my forms and sent her my most convincing smile as possible. She smiled warmly back and I returned to the chair next to Alyssa, immediately tangling our fingers together.

“I wonder how Jaime and Mike are doing,” I murmured, making small talk. They had both gotten a job at that music store I loved, the one with Dave.

“I’m sure he’s having a blast,” she said.

“I bet he’s being annoying, banging on all the drums when no one else is in,” I smiled. Alyssa smiled softly and went to speak when a woman entered the room.

“Victor Fuentes?” she called, looking at me. I smiled politely and stood up. My hands were shaking with nervousness—I didn’t know why I was nervous though—and Alyssa squeezed my hand reassuringly before it slipped out of mine. I turned my head and gazed at her for a moment and she nodded, encouraging me, and I turned back to the woman.

“Hi,” I said, shaking her hand. “Vic,” I introduced myself.

“Hello, Vic, nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Brenner,” she grinned.

“Nice to meet you, too,” I said.

“Well, come with me and we’ll talk, okay?” she said warmly. I nodded and followed her to the back, looking back at Alyssa one more time before she was out of sight.

The room she led us into had a comforting aura. It was casual. There was a desk to the side, under a window, but she led us to the couches. There was a bookcase against another wall, and a coffee table between the two couches. She motioned for me to sit in one while she sat across from me. She sighed happily as she sat down and flipped through some papers.

“So, Vic,” she said, settling in her seat. “Is there anything you’d like to say before we get started?” she asked. I shook my head. “Alright, um, so today we’re just going to chat, okay? I just want to learn what’s going on so we can figure out the best approach,” she said kindly. I had a feeling that her words were supposed to be reassuring, but they weren’t doing anything for me. I nodded anyway.

She asked me a lot of questions about my past experiences. I tried to tell her everything honestly, but I felt like I was holding things back. I knew I was holding things back. I didn’t know this doctor, how could I trust her?

I was surprised that I wasn’t crying at this point, though, reliving everything as I told her most of my story. I was being very emotionless about it, telling the story as if it wasn’t even my own. I was happy though because not once did she ask: How does that make you feel? She knew how I felt. She knew I was depressed; that was why I was here.

“Vic,” Dr. Brenner sighed. She leaned forward with her elbows on the coffee table in front of us. “I think something else is going on,” she said. No shit, I thought bitterly.

Although I raised my eyebrows at her. I didn’t realize it was that obvious. “You can tell that just from one session?”

She frowned. “Looking at your records here… and from what you’ve told me… yes. Yes I can. But I can help you,” she said.

“I don’t need help.”

“Vic,” she frowned. “The reason why you are here is because you need help. And your friends and family love you. That’s why you’re here. They want you to get better.”

I swallowed and nodded.

“I know it’s hard to believe, and even though you say you feel really happy sometimes, like when you asked your girlfriend to prom, I think you are severely depressed,” she frowned.

“I already knew that, though,” I whispered.

“Well that’s one step closer to getting better, right?” she smiled.

“Right,” I said sourly, looking down. It seemed like the more I owned up to “how I felt”, the worse I felt. It seemed like everything inside suddenly escalated over night. I sighed.

“Can we make another appointment, Vic? We can talk more and I can figure out what medication to put you on,” she said sweetly.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” I scratched the back of my neck.

“Vic,” she said gently. She reached across and placed a hand on my arms. “I know it feels hopeless, but it’ll be okay.”

“That’s what everybody keeps saying,” I mumbled. Dr. Brenner sighed and stared at me for a long time.

She extended her arm and handed me a card. “These are numbers you can call if you’re in an emergency, okay? Mine is there too if you need to talk about things, call any time you need, I mean it. We’ll schedule your next appointment for Friday and get you started as soon as possible,” she said. I nodded.

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“It looks like our time is up, though,” she said, her face honestly regretful.

“Thanks for your time,” I tried, standing up. She extended her hand and I shook it.

“Of course,” she murmured. “Just hold on, Vic. It’ll get better,” she promised. I nodded and sighed, turning away.

Alyssa smiled when she saw me, and my spirits lifted a little. I felt drained from our session but I did feel a little better; it felt good to be honest.

“You okay?” she whispered, holding my hand and standing close to me as we walked back to the car. I nodded.

“Thanks for staying.”

“Always,” she smiled. The rest of the car ride back to my place was quiet. The air held a little bit of tension, but it wasn’t unbearable. There was always tension wherever I was.

“Alyssa,” I said seriously. I slumped down into the couch with her and she looked at me expectantly. “I’m sorry that I’ve been down lately. I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” I admitted.

“It’s okay, Vic. I really do understand…”

“I know.”

“Vic, honestly… I think the reason why you feel this way is because you haven’t really had any healthy way of dealing with your feelings before. Your previous therapy sessions weren’t exactly conventional…” her voice trailed off as she brought up my time at the mental institution, when I was with Bree. I nodded and looked down. She was right. It had helped a lot, but it wasn’t enough, especially when I became emotionally involved with Bree.

“I agree Alyssa, I really do. It just sucks because I love you,” I whispered. I hated feeling so sad all of the time, so heavy with numbness and clouded with horrible thoughts, when I was in love at the same time. The emotions couldn’t coexist peacefully; I wondered which side was going to when the war, but then I realized I already kind of knew.

“I don’t ever doubt that,” she smiled, squeezing my hand. We sat quietly together for a few minutes. I could feel myself fading out just sitting here.

“How was it?” she asked, playing with my hair. I stared at her a took a deep breath. It was almost painful to breathe nowadays.

“Lissy…” my throat tightened up. I pulled my arms from the side of me and wrapped them around her. I buried my head into her shoulder.

“Aw, Vic,” she breathed. She rubbed my back soothingly with her hand as I cried.

“I’m so sorry, Alyssa,” I murmured into her shoulder.

“Sorry? Vic, you’ve done nothing to be sorry for,” she said gently, pulling away to look me in the eyes. I averted mine for her as I felt everything unravel from inside me.

“Vic, look at me,” she said. I swallowed hard and shook my head, blinking more tears out of my eyes.

“Lissy, I…” I started, but I drew a shaky breath before I continued.

“Talk to me, baby,” she whispered, caressing my cheeks in her hands. I shifted my eyes to hers. Her eyes were full of love and concern; I imagined that mine didn’t look full of anything.

“I… I can feel myself slipping away,” I whispered. Alyssa’s face twitched as she processed what I had just said.

“No, Vic,” she murmured. I nodded and my lip quivered. She pulled me into another hug and my entire body went weak and numb, and I collapsed into her and melted under her tight hold. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” she whispered in my ear. My head laid on her shoulder tiredly, as if my neck could no longer support my head.

“You’re not going anywhere,” she whispered. I just closed my eyes and continued to cry into her neck.

“Nothing bad is happening anymore, Lissy. But I still feel this way. What is wrong with me?” I whimpered.

“Nothing is wrong with you,” she declared. She pulled away from me and held my shoulders tightly, staring at me seriously. “Do you understand? Nothing is wrong with you.” I knew she was lying, though.

I reached out and ran my fingers through her hair. “You’re so strong, Alyssa. I love you so much.”

“You are too.” She was believing a lie; I wasn’t strong. “I love you… to the moon and back… times infinity, plus one,” she said, sniffling in between her words. She started to cry and I pulled her back into me. I just needed to hold her.

I fell back on the couch with her in my arms, closing my eyes. I just needed to hold her, just for a little while, at least.

When I regained consciousness, I was cold. Alyssa was no longer wrapped up with me. I peaked my eyes open and saw a blanket draped over my body, but it wasn’t the same kind of warmth as Alyssa’s arms around me. I started to stir, but I stopped when I heard voices.

“No, mom!” I heard Alyssa cry. I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Alyssa Perry, you are coming home with me right now. You have school tomorrow. You’re not staying here!”

“Ma, please let me stay,” I heard her cry. I clenched my eyes shut and curled into myself. I hated to hear her sad.

“No, dear. Let’s go.”

“I’m not going to school tomorrow. You don’t understand… I can’t go to school tomorrow,” she said.

“You’re right, I don’t understand! Please let me know what is going on with you, Alyssa!”

“I c-can’t,” she whispered. I almost didn’t even hear her, they were talking so lowly now.

“Alyssa. You’re stressing me out, honey,” her mom sighed.

“Mom, please just let me stay here. I’m nearly eighteen.”

“No!” she bellowed. “You’re here too much with all of these boys, and your grades are slipping because of it!”

Alyssa scoffed. “My grades are better because of them, mom. They help me study,” she pointed out. “Don’t act like you understand.”

I frowned, hating that Alyssa was fighting with her mother over me. I couldn’t decide when would be a good time to show that I was awake, if there was a good time at all. I at least wanted to say good bye to Alyssa before she left, if she leaves, but I didn’t want to face Mrs. Perry.

“Fine,” Mrs. Perry hissed. “You can stay for God knows what reason, but you’re going to school tomorrow. If I get another call that you’ve skipped, you’re grounded and you won’t ever come back here,” she threatened.

Alyssa sighed in relief. “Thank you, mama,” she breathed.

“Why do you want to be here so badly, though?” she asked.

“I just miss my brother a lot,” she lied. “I’m sorry for acting like a child about it. I just don’t want to miss a single second with him when he actually wants to be with me, y’know?”

“Aw, sweetie,” he mom whispered. “I understand. I’ll see you after school tomorrow? Okay, good. Bye, Alyssa. I love you.”

“Love you too, ma,” Alyssa whispered. The door to the apartment opened and then shut. After a few minutes, I heard Alyssa start to cry to herself. I opened my eyes and gazed at her, seeing her in the middle of the room, squatting, her head in her hands. “Fuck,” she muttered as her shoulders rose and fell. I grimaced and sat up, brushing my messy hair out of my face and moving the blanket aside. I quietly walked to her and knelt to her level. I wrapped my arms around her and she fell into my chest, snaking her arms around my waist. “I love you, Vic,” she said, as if she couldn’t say it enough.

“I love you, too,” I murmured.

“I hate lying to her,” she whispered.

“You can tell her,” I said gently.

“What about we?” she pulled away, staring at me carefully. “Why can’t we tell her about us, about everything?” I looked away from her eyes.

“God damn it Vic!” she cried, shaking my shoulders. “Please, please, please snap out of it!”

“It’s not that easy!” I yelled. Her eyes widened. I leaned away from her. “I can’t just snap out of it. No one understands that.”

“I understand!” she shouted. “But you can’t just give up! For the love of god don’t give up!”

“It’s too late, Alyssa!” I yelled, the words just coming out even though I didn’t even know I was going to say them. “I’m done…”

“No!” she screamed.

“Lissy,” I breathed. I closed my eyes. I smiled softly at her, completely dissolving my angry tone. “I just wanted to say thank you…”

“For what, Vic?”

“For helping me,” I said. I chose my words carefully. I didn’t want to send her mixed messages, but that almost seemed unavoidable. I had already asked her to prom, making her think that I would actually be there for it. Maybe it had been a test. But even though it was a success, I still couldn't get out of my head that I was a burden to everyone and that I wouldn’t really be missed—that all of her words of love and devotion were lies. That was what depression did: it made me believe things that I knew in my heart weren’t true. The only problem was that my heart was so battered that the true feelings were damaged somewhere lost inside of it.

“Vic,” she sighed, cupping my cheek. “You’re so wonderful. Why can’t you see that I love you?”

“I do… I love you too, Lissy,” I said for the millionth time tonight. I wouldn’t stop saying it until my heart stopped beating. I wanted to spend more time with her, but my clock was ticking. I couldn’t be selfish.

I shook my head. Alyssa deserved a normal life. She couldn’t get that with me, no matter how many medications I was on, I would never be one-hundred-percent better. I’d always be on something, I’d always have to attend therapy, and I’d always have bad days when I snapped at the ones I loved. And the bad days were horrible; I couldn’t let her live surrounded by so much negatively any longer.

Alyssa stared at me. I could see the sadness and tiredness in her eyes. I knew that they were only reflecting mine, though; I knew those weren’t her true colors.

“You’re not leaving me,” Alyssa said again.

“I'm not leaving you,” I, delusional from his own pain, placed my hand over her heart. “I won’t ever really leave you.”

I didn’t know what I was even saying. Why was I telling her these things? I sighed and sat back on my heels. “One day we’ll see each other again, Lissy,” I promised with a weak smile.

“One day!” she scoffed, tears springing from her eyes. I looked away because I didn’t want to see her upset. She deserved so much better. “If you leave today, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she whispered. I shot my head up back up to look at her. I shook my head furiously.

“Hell no!” I raised my voice again. “You won’t!”

“How will you be able to control it if you’re dead?” she screamed, standing up. I rested back on my heels, looking up at her.

“You deserve—”

“Don’t tell me what I deserve!” she screamed. “You can’t do this! You can’t do this to me!”

I stood up. “Don’t make this difficult, Alyssa,” I said quietly.

“I’ll make this really fucking difficult!” she screamed.

I flinched. “I’m sorry!” I yelled. “God this is so stupid,” I gripped the hair at my scalp. “I’m fucking sorry!”

“What’s going on?” I looked up to see Tony entering the apartment, staring at us wildly.

“Tony!” Alyssa yelled. “Vic wants—” before she could finish her sentence, I clamped my hands over her mouth, shaking my head no desperately.

“What the fuck?” Tony rushed in, staring at us urgently.

Alyssa grabbed my wrists and forced my hands off of her. She pushed me back and then took a step closer, grabbing my shoulders. She shook them, as if doing so would shake all of my bad feelings away.

“Alyssa!” Tony yelled. He ripped her away from me, and I just stood there, staring at her body flailing in her brother’s arm. He shot me an accusing look as he tried to contain her.

“Let me go, Tony!” she screamed.

“Not until you tell me what’s the matter!”

“No, Alyssa! Don’t! Please don’t!” I yelled, taking a step closer to them.

“Go away, Vic!” Tony yelled. “You guys need to separate. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but you both need to cool off.”

“No!” Alyssa screeched. “You can’t leave him alone!” she stared at me desperately as I went to back away. She wasn’t flailing anymore, but she was slightly wriggling in Tony’s tight grip.

I pleaded with my eyes for her not to rat me out to Tony. She wasn’t going to listen, though.

“Alyssa,” Tony breathed. “Go to my room, and stay there.”

“No,” she whimpered. “I can’t leave him,” she stared at me. “Tony, he—”

“No!” I yelled.

“He wants to kill himself!” Alyssa screamed, and after she did everything was quiet. I stepped back and my heart sank. Hearing the words out loud made the truth seem so much more real. Tony’s arms slacked around Alyssa. She cried into his shoulder for a few minutes as Tony stared at me.

“Vic…” he said slowly. “Is this true?”

“No,” I whispered. I hated that the word I wanted so much to be the truth tasted like poison on my tongue.

The real truth was that my depression was eating me alive, clawing at my insides and sucking me up from the inside out. There was no escape but one; not even Alyssa could pull me out. I didn’t even think about Mike—I couldn’t.

“Mom is going to ground me if I skip school again, which will make everything even harder. Please stay with him tomorrow,” she cried to her brother. Tony nodded, still staring at me.

“Alyssa why don’t you go to sleep? It’s getting late,” Tony suggested, brushing back her hair. She pulled away from him and nodded, wiping her eyes as she yawned a little. She walked up to me and wrapped her arms around my middle, burying her head into my chest.

“I need to feel this heartbeat,” she murmured. I nodded and kissed the top of her head. She disappeared into my room.

“Vic,” Tony ran his fingers through his hair in stress when she was out of earshot. “What changed? I thought you were doing better…”

“Me too. I don’t know. I don’t feel good,” I admitted quietly.

“Everything’s changed so fast. You’re overwhelmed. You don’t really want to die,” Tony declared. I nodded.

“I’m tired.”

“Go ahead, then,” Tony said warily, nodding to my bedroom. I smiled weakly and walked to the room, but then I frowned because Tony didn’t quite understand what I meant.

Tony sounded worried, though, so maybe he did understand. Of course he did. He was probably still processing what he ran in on and needed the night to think it over, knowing I wouldn’t try anything when Alyssa was around.

He was right.

I walked into the room and slid into bed with Alyssa.

“This is all I do,” I mumbled into her shoulder.

“What?”

“Sleep. Whenever something happens, I sleep.”

She didn’t answer. Instead, she pulled away and planted gentle, sweet kisses all over my face. She kissed me over and over and over, and then she rested her forehead against mine. I closed my eyes and fell asleep, the only sound being her heartbeat, and her heartbeat only.

When I opened my eyes again, Alyssa was gone. I shot up in bed—I didn’t get to say goodbye! But then I felt a hand on my shoulder—her hand.

“I was just about to wake you,” she murmured. Her hair was down, she had a beanie on her head, and she was wearing one of my sweatshirts again with a pair of black jeans and black vans. She looked nice, and I smiled softly. “The only reason why I’m going to school is because I’ll be grounded otherwise, and then I really won’t ever get to see you. But this is unbelievably bad timing,” she said, her bottom lip quivering. I felt bad, so I pulled her into a hug. “Tony will be here with you all day,” she informed me, her words holding a hidden yet easy-to-detect meaning: don’t try anything.

I nodded. “I love you. I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it a thousand more. You are loved,” she said firmly. I nodded and kissed her cheek. I closed my eyes and kept my lips on her skin, savoring her.

She sighed heavily and pulled away. I got out of bed and walked with her to the main room. I sighed because Mike, Jaime, and Tony were all standing there.

“’Morning guys,” I greeted them like nothing was wrong.

“I’m taking you to school today, ‘Lyssa,” Tony said, grabbing his keys. She nodded and turned, hugging my tightly. Tony had to practically pry her off of me so she wouldn’t be late. I closed my eyes and sighed; Alyssa was the only one who actually understood.

“Vic,” Mike said warily.

“Guys, I swear I’m not suicidal,” I said. “I love you all, I love Alyssa. Nothing bad is happening and I don’t want to d-die.”

“Vic, you are—”

“Just because I’m depressed doesn't mean I want to kill myself, okay? I’m sad and I’m tired but I want to live because I don’t want to hurt you guys,” I said, cringing at my words and guilt slamming in my lungs but keeping a straight and honest face all the same.

They all nodded slowly. Mike stood up and pulled me in for a hug, but the only thing I was thinking as he hugged me was, how do I get myself alone? I wished that I wasn't so cold hearted, but I couldn't control the thoughts that were driving my actions anymore. I didn't feel like myself, I wanted to get rid of the monster inside of me, I wanted to kill it. I just didn't know how to do that without killing myself completely.

My thoughts were twisting through the cavities of my head. They were tangling around my organs, they wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve come so far only to end up in the same place as before, but I wasn’t bitter or angry with that. I was ready.

“What are you doing?” I asked as Mike as he went to his phone.

“I’m calling out of work,” he replied.

I forced myself not to object so desperately. “Oh, Mike, that’s not necessary,” I said. It didn’t even sound like my voice. “You just got the job!”

“Dave would understand.”

“Nah, really, man. If you want to re-pay the drum kit you better keep working,” I teased with a light smile. Mike rolled his eyes. “I’m just kidding. But honestly you don’t have to,” I said.

“Are you sure?” he asked anxiously.

“Yes, Mike. Besides… I have work at ten,” I lied. “I really can’t miss anymore, anyway,” I said.

“Vic, why did Alyssa say that you wanted to kill yourself if it’s not true?”

“She just misunderstood. I was feeling down after therapy and she got the wrong idea,” I said, biting the inside of my cheek. Mike nodded.

“Well I don’t know about you but I’m tired as fuck,” I yawned.

“Same,” Mike said. “It’s only, like, seven,” he grumbled.

“Yeah. I promise I’m okay, okay?” Both Jaime and Mike nodded. “I’m going back to bed,” I yawned again, turning away to do what I did bed: sleep away everything.

As usual, my falling asleep and waking up process was a blur. As usual, I was still tired when I woke up. It was nine-thirty when I did. I quickly freshened up and walked out of my room. It was just Tony who was there.

“Where’s Himes and Mikey?” I asked.

“They had to go to work.”

“What about you?” I asked with a yawn, stretching.

“I’m worried about you Vic.”

“Everyone is,” I rolled my eyes. “There’s nothing to be worried about. I promise.” I walked to the kitchen and, to put up a convincing act, took the correct dosage of my pills. “And if you’re that worried,” I said, more guilt slamming in my chest. “Take my pills when you go to work.” I handed him my pills.

Tony looked a little surprised. “Oh.” He held them delicately in his hand. “Wow,” he said, looking at me happily. “Thanks Vic. I’m sorry if you think we don’t trust you, but this is good.”

I smiled weakly. “You should get going though. I’ll be following behind you but I need to, uh, take a shower and stuff. I’ll probably be a few minutes late. Is that alright?” I asked. Tony nodded reluctantly.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll cover you,” he said.

“Thanks, man,” I said. He nodded. I put toaster strudels into the toaster and sat patiently for them to pop up.

“You look like you feel better today,” Tony noted. I smiled weakly again and nodded.

“I do,” I whispered, gazing at the table.

“I’m glad. I’m going to go now, though. See you soon?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I yawned again. “I won’t be too far behind ya,” I murmured. My heart started to thump in my chest as Tony prepared to leave. The second the door closed I let out a huge, shaky breath, running both of my hands through my hair. “Oh my God,” I breathed. The toaster popped the second I stood up, but obviously I didn’t pay any mind to it. I rushed back to my room and closed the door. What Tony didn’t know—and I felt guilty for deceiving him—was that I still had my old anti-depressants. I wondered when (if) he was going to realize it, and how long it would take for him to rush back here. When he got to work, I wondered how long it would take him to notice that I had quit three days ago. I tried to push back the thought, hoping it wouldn’t be anytime soon.

My mind began to run at full speed as I rummaged my drawers for the bottle. The second my fingers curled around it, I smiled and returned to the room, backing up against the wall and sliding down, my knees bent and relaxed.

I sat against the wall on the floor of my bedroom, my shaking hands holding my bottle of pills. Before I even took the pills I knew I was already gone… as much I loved the people in my life, I didn’t love myself. Wasn’t that the most important thing?

I was tired. I wasn’t tired of Alyssa or Mike or Tony or Jaime, but I was tired in general. Tired of life and trying to live on these tiny capsules. I shook the bottle. All of the small pills bounced off of each other and the walls of the container—there were a lot in there, enough to kill. It disturbed me how the very thing that could keep me alive was also the think that could kill me. The thing that would kill me.

I couldn’t explain to myself why I wanted to do this. I just… I felt like it was necessary. Life made me tired, so tired that even if I could sleep for an entire night, it wasn’t enough. I knew there was more to life than just laying around, but I couldn’t find what that was, for me. Even when I was with Alyssa, all I wanted to do was sleep and hold her. But I couldn’t drag her down with me anymore. She needed to go out and explore the world, meet knew people, do something with her life. I told her this in the letter that was in my other hand, addressed to her and the others. Maybe it wasn’t fair of me to make demands when I was doing this, but they needed to know that it was important that they helped Alyssa. I wanted Mike to take her to her prom, to dance with her and make her happy because I knew at the end of the day I wouldn’t be the one to do so. I felt bad that I had asked her and given her false hope, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling the way I felt. In the moment, I was so happy with her, but at the end of the day—at night, when things were quiet outside but so fucking loud in my head—I was unhappy. My own head was driving me insane again. I could feel it. And I wanted her to live her life normally, without a schizophrenic and depressed boyfriend holding her back.

With these thoughts in my mind, I twisted the bottle open. Alyssa was at school, and I lied to Tony, Mike, and Jaime about everything. They all cared for me, yes, but I had lied so easily and now here I was alone, preparing to overdose and only feeling a twinge of guilt. Now that I was completely alone, I didn’t feel as bad as I did when I was trying to say goodbye to them without really letting them know that I was saying goodbye.

I poured a handful of pills into my hands and stuck them in my mouth, drowning them down with a gulp of Jack Daniels. I took another handful, and then another, just to be sure.

I closed my eyes. My head was spinning—from the effect of the pills but also from memories flashing around in my head. I honestly didn’t expect it to be like this. I expected to only remember the hate and pain and torture and bad things as I died.

But I smiled because I felt happy. Images of Alyssa flooded through my head. The first day I met her when Tony and I came home from the mental institution. She had hugged me and thanked me for saving her brother. And then the day I had visited Mike for the first time, only to be interrupted and beat up by Shane. She had found me, bleeding and slumped against his head stone, and held me to try and make me feel better. That night she held my hand while Tony cleaned my battered and bruised face. When Tony and I had long, boring days at work, she would always visit and brighten the mood. The day Bree and I returned to San Diego after Logan killed himself, and I started to have a conscious episode. Alyssa had pulled me into her room and held me, calming me down before it escalated. How, even before we got together, when I was still with Bree, she was always so excited to see me. The night I overheard Lissy crying in her room, so I snuck in, talked to her, and held her the entire night to help her feel better. When Bree left me, so Alyssa tried to cheer me up by watching Disney flicks. When Alyssa admitted that she liked me more than a friend, so I fearlessly crashed my lips to hers. The time when it was me and her in my apartment, alone for the first time, and how flustered she was every time I got close to her. The days I always helped her with her calculus homework. The time we snuck back into my old house, scared the shit out of my mom and her friend (for the second time), stole back my guitar, and then returned to her room so I could serenade her with a song I wrote for her. When Bree returned after a month of being gone, Alyssa ran away thinking that I chose Bree over her. But I didn’t; I ran nearly six miles just to make sure she was okay, so she knew that I wanted her, no matter how selfish that made me feel. And then that very night I told her easily that I loved her—and I did, I still did. The night I discovered that she was still hurting herself, and I kissed her injuries to make her feel better. How that same night, we found Bree dying at the door of my apartment, yet Alyssa selflessly jumped into action and held my hand on the ambulance ride to the hospital. Even when I pushed her away when Bree was confirmed dead—so I could relapse badly—she was so understanding and helpful. And when Mike revealed himself to still be alive, I tried pushing her away, too, so I could try and kill my own parents. She was always so understanding. When I was too numb to even respond to her when she told me that she loved me, she never left my side. Even though she was fighting demons of her own at the same time, she never left. It was always me and her; she made the thick layer of sadness lighten up a little. I’d never forget how it felt to really be with her for the first time, how passionate we were for each other and how amazing it felt to have her in my arms. How happy she looked when I asked her to prom, even though I knew she didn’t really want to go to the dance itself.

Then I realized that even though most of these memories were bad, Alyssa was always there to make them more bearable.

They continued to swirl in my head, and I didn’t feel guilty for ending things on this note. I almost wanted to feel guilty, for leaving Alyssa, Mike, and the other guys, but I couldn’t for some reason. I felt happy because I was remembering all the good things, and for once everything was quiet in my head.

I tilted my head against the wall, staring at the empty space next to me. I frowned slightly because I realized that it would be nice to have Alyssa next to me. I wanted to maybe hold her hand one last time, or rest my head on her shoulder as everything slowed down.

But maybe her not being here as I died was for the best. She was going to be okay—she didn’t need me, I only needed her. She had her brother and my brother and even Jaime, I bet. I smiled because my brain slowed down and I couldn’t over think even if I wanted to. For once in my life my mind wasn’t running. It wasn’t walking, though, it was skipping happily through lands that I’ve never seen before. Everything started to blur out, and there was a loud ringing in my ears. It was pleasant, though.

Everything was happy, quiet. So quiet I could hear my heartbeat slow down, my breaths shallow out, the light inside of me flick off with a sudden click. Finally; silence. I could finally rest in peace.

Notes

THE END (Kind of. There's an epilogue. It'll be up tomorrow; I'm going to sleep now, hehe)

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS STUCK WITH THIS STORY THUS FAR. YOUR COMMENTS ARE AMAZING AND THE AMOUNT OF SUBSCRIPTIONS RATES, AND VIEWS IS INCREDIBLE, I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. PLEASE STICK WITH ME FOR THE EPILOGUE, OKAY? OKAY.

I was going to write a really long thing here and discuss all of this with you, but I'll do it in the notes of tomorrow's update. I'm really tired :c

Thanks guys I love you all <3