I groaned when a shrill noise invaded my otherwise peaceful mind.

“Fucking Mondays,” I heard Alyssa grumble, .

I peaked my eyes open, seeing the early morning sun creeping through the closed blinds and, more importantly, Alyssa’s tired yet wonderful face right in front of mine. She rolled away and turned the alarm on her phone off before rolling back into me. “You have school today?” I groaned. “Fuck, I forgot.”

“Me too,” she muttered, closing her eyes. “I’ve skipped too much though; I have to go,” she frowned, reopening her eyes. “Even though I want to lay here forever,” she whispered, snaking her arms around me and burying her head into my chest. I ducked my head and kissed her hair.

“What time is it?” I murmured.

“Six,” she said with a yawn. “So five more minutes?”

“Five more minutes,” I agreed with a grin, rolling over with her still in my arms. I laid tiredly on top of her, my arms wrapped around her tightly, holding her like a teddy bear. I rested my head right below hers and closed my eyes. I could feel her heart beat on my right cheek.

“Lissy?” I whispered.

“Mhm?”

“How are things? At school…” I asked, unsure. I tightened my grip around her and tilted my head so my chin was on the top of her chest and I was looking straight up at her.

“They’re okay,” she said softly. She raised her arms and ran her fingers through my hair on both sides of my head.

I dug my elbows into the mattress around her and supported myself so I could look her in the eyes. “Just okay?”

“They’re fine, really. I have friends, but they don’t know about anything. It’s almost over anyway,” she shrugged her shoulders. Her eyes closed and reopened slowly in tiredness. I suddenly felt bad for keeping her awake when she had school today.

“Sorry,” I frowned. Her eyes opened, sparkling into mine.

“For what?” she asked.

“For keeping you awake,” I chuckled awkwardly. A small blush rose on her cheeks.

“I don’t mind,” she whispered, leaning up and planting an innocent kiss on my lips.

I smiled and sighed, burying my face into her still-bare shoulder. “Time to get ready for school,” I mumbled against her skin.

“Maybe I will skip school, actually,” she giggled, continuing to play with my hair.

“Your brother will murder me,” I reminded her.

“Good,” she snickered. I opened my mouth and lightly bit down on her shoulder.

“Oh my God!” she yelped. “Did you really just bite me?”

I grinned. “Yes.” I rolled off of her and stared at her lovingly, an innocent smile plastered on my face. She pouted and leaned over the side of the bed, grabbing a shirt—my shirt—and slipping it on. She shook her head with a giggle.

“You’re a freak, Fuentes,” she laughed with a playful grin.

“You’re a freak, Fuentes,” he sneered. I sighed roughly and picked up the contents of my spilled backpack, stuffing them back inside with no organization and hastily swooping it back around onto my shoulder. I grimaced and turned away, only to be yanked back again.

My head snapped back and my backpack was thrown off of my body again. I never even bothered to zip it all the way shut, so the force of the backpack falling down caused it to open wider and, naturally, spill my shit again. I groaned and turned around, looking at my backpack and up at Shane, my eyes flickering between the two. I gritted my teeth and glared at him, picking up my stuff again.

I yelled in pain, though, when I found myself flying backwards. I landed on my back with a thud and my head cracked. I should have known better than to try and pick my stuff up with Shane’s foot at my level.

I held my jaw tenderly, a warm liquid trickling onto my fingers. Blood. My face tightened up and my eyes burned from tears.

I didn’t bother asking Shane what his problem was. I was now asking myself what my problem was. Clearly I was doing something wrong to be treated like this.

“Pussy,” he laughed. I sat up and held my head in my hands, feeling dizzy and trying to ignore him. He had definitely given me a concussion.

“Let’s see what you got here,” he chimed. My eyes widened and my head shot up, just in time to see him going through my stuff. My stomach churned when his hands found my notebook. Fuck, why do I even bring that to school? I was so stupid. Stupid and worthless. A Freak.

“Stop,” I said, sighing when my voice came out shaky and unconfident.

Shane raised his eyebrows at me with a smirk on his face. “What are you going to do about it?” he asked. I should have jumped on him, snatching the book. But instead I receded into my own weakness, hunching in defeat and blinking more tears out of my eyes. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” he said.

I whimpered in pain and sadness, pulling my knees into my chest. The worst part about this was that we were in a public setting—the school hallway—yet no one was around to stop this. Even if there were other people, they wouldn’t dare intervene. Even if they saw the blood trickling down my face, they wouldn’t do anything.

I waited for Shane’s laugh to bellow through the hallow walls, to crackle in my empty head. But nothing came. I looked up again, seeing his head tilted to the side in thought as he read the bloodstained pages of my journal. I didn’t even care. It was too late. Him reading it only confirmed how much of a freak I actually was.

His head slowly lifted up, his eyes parting from the dead words I’ve written. He turned to look at me, his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth in a tight frown. Something was in his eyes that I couldn’t quite distinguish.

Shane stood up. He nudged my scattered books to the side along with my backpack, putting all of my things into a small pile against the wall instead of sprawled out across the entire width of the hallway.

He pursed his lips and stared at me seriously, closing the book and walking over to me. I flinched a little, expecting him to kick me again or throw the book at my head, but he didn’t do either of these things. Instead, his arm extended along with the book, holding it out for me. I stared at it dumbly until he lowered it more, placing it on the tops of my bent knees.

Without another word, he walked away.

His silence was what killed me. The silence was much louder than any laugh or sneer or punch could have been. At least when he was beating me up I couldn’t hear my own thoughts. But, him leaving me with an empty silence intensified everything in my head. Why? Because the words I knew he was thinking were being whispered by my own brain, in my own voice. His silence left a void that my own head filled, reminding me how much of a freak I really was, and pointing out that Shane now knew why.

“Vic,” Alyssa said gently, touching my face. I flinched away by instinct. “Oh, God, you’re crying… I’m so sorry, Vic. I didn’t mean that…”

I stared at her with wide eyes. “No, I’m sorry,” I breathed. I blinked a few times, clearing my vision of tears.

She grimaced slightly, looking at me with guilt written all over her features. “You were just kidding around, I know. I didn’t mean to, uh, cry,” I rushed. I didn’t want her to feel bad. It wasn’t her fault that I had a fucked up time in high school that liked to revisit me every so often.

She leaned over and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me close. I linked my hands around her lower back, pulling her closer as well. “Oh, God, Vic. I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

I pulled away and smiled softly at her. “It wasn’t what you said that made me cry, Alyssa,” I whispered. She tilted her head to the side. I unhooked my arms from around her and slid out of bed, running my fingers through my hair as I scanned the room for my shorts. I found them in a ball by the door and I walked over, picked them up, and slid them on.

“Then what was it?”

“It was what people used to say,” I whispered, my voice cracking. I didn’t realize I still had so much pain inside from those days, even though I was happy.

Her face twisted and she closed her eyes slowly. She slowly got out of the bed and walked to me, wrapping her arms around my middle and resting her head on my chest. “You have such a broken heart,” she whispered sadly, turning her head and planting a kiss on my bare chest. She closed her eyes and sighed raggedly, resting her forehead against the spot where my heart sometimes struggled to beat.

When she said ‘broken heart’, I understood what she meant. She wasn’t talking about love—in terms of love, my heart was as healed as it could be. I loved her so much, and I knew she loved me, too. But when she said ‘broken heart’, she was referring to all the pain I’ve endured. The mystery of Mike’s death, the high school torment, the mental institution, Bree… everything. There was only so much a heart could handle, and I was at my breaking point. You could stitch the heart up as much as you’d like, but in the end if the only thing left was a rotten surface of scars, it couldn’t do its job.

“You should get ready for school,” I whispered, petting her hair.

“Are you sure? I can stay home if you want me to,” she said.

“It’s okay, Alyssa. You need to go. I have work, anyway,” I remembered. She nodded and stood on her toes toe kiss me, and I responded passionately. She pulled away breathlessly and turned to grab some clothes and walked into the bathroom to get ready.

Instead of thinking to myself—I did that too much—I went to my dresser to pull out fresh clothes. I slipped on some black skinny jeans and a solid blue tee. My hair was a curly, wild mess, so I stuffed it inside of a beanie, not wanting to deal with it. Just as I finished getting my shoes on, Alyssa reemerged from the bathroom. Her hair was up in a loose ponytail, stray hairs framing her face, and she had on one of my sweatshirts and a pair of leggings. I smiled softly and approached her, pulling her in for a gentle hug. I felt bad for making her feel bad, because she had no idea that her words could trigger a memory—I wasn’t expecting it, either.

“You look cozy,” I grinned as I pulled away from her.

“I am,” she said, hugging herself.

She stretched out her arms and yawned. “Breakfast?” I asked, extending my arm to grab her hand. She nodded and walked out of the room with me.

Seeing as we had gotten ready quickly, we had enough time to both sit down with a bowl of cereal. I sat across from her, smiled, and took my pills. We sat in silence for a few minutes, too tired to really function.

“Are you okay, Vic?” she suddenly asked quietly, looking up at me and stirring her cereal around with her spoon.

“I am,” I said simply.

She looked at me for a few more moments. “Vic.”

I bit my lips and sighed, averting my eyes from hers. “I’m happy,” I said, but, even though it was honest, it didn’t sound like it.

I heard her chair scrape the floor, and seconds later her hand was on my back. I sighed and looked up at her. She curled her fingers against my cheek, and I turned my head into her hand.

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

“What don’t you know?” she asked.

“I am really happy with you, Lissy. I love you,” I said. She smiled softly.

“I know. You make me happy, and I love you, too,” she reciprocated kindly. But the look in her eyes told me that she knew there was something else I needed to say. So, I took a tiny breath and said it. She could read right through me, anyway.

“But… but I’m not okay… I don’t think I’ll ever be okay,” I confessed.

“Don’t say that…”

I swallowed a lump in my throat and looked up at her. “Lissy, I can’t get anything out of my head. Everything that has happened… I can’t forget it. My life is a mess. You’re the only thing that makes sense. I am happy to have you, I’m happy to have Mikey back, and I’m happy to have Tony as a best friend, but… Lissy I work at a Vans store, and I’m trying to find another shitty job so I can actually support myself. I don’t have a degree or even a high school diploma and I have no future. If you asked me where I saw myself in ten years I’m scared that I won’t be able to answer that question,” I admitted quietly.

“Vic,” she gasped softly.

“I’m sorry, Lis,” I bit my lip. “I can’t help it. I’ve always felt this way and even though I’m happy with you, I still feel… depressed, I guess,” I muttered.

She let out a ragged breath and collided into me, squeezing me into a tight hug. “Please don’t say that,” she begged. “I didn’t know you still felt that way,” she added, squeezing me even harder, like if she didn’t I would slip away like sand through her fingertips. I probably would.

I closed my eyes and sighed. I felt horrible for admitting that to her. I had no right to feel this way. I had her, I had Tony, and, hell, I even had my brother. But I guess some things I just couldn’t control. I knew they wouldn’t let me slip back into the darkness again, but at some point it was bound to become a black hole and suck me up no matter what they did, maybe even taking them with me. I couldn't let that happen, though.

My thoughts must have been reflected on my face, because next thing I knew Alyssa was staring at me, her face an expression of horror. I widened my eyes and realized I had spoken out loud.

“I’m going to stay home today,” she declared.

“No, Lis, it’s—”

“It’s not okay, Vic. I’m not about to leave here with you feeling this way. I know it’s not your fault, but… God, Vic. You sound suicidal,” she said bluntly. “You sounded just like Tony before he…” she shook her head.

“You can’t leave me,” she begged. I nodded.

“Sorry,” I whispered. She shook her head again and wrapped her arms around me tightly. She buried her head into my shoulder and kissed my neck over and over again, as if I was going to leave her tomorrow.

Her heart was racing against my chest, and I rubbed her back, trying to calm her. I didn’t want to send her to panic, and I felt extremely guilty for telling her the truth that, although it was buried inside for a long time, undeniably existed.

“I’ll start taking my anti-depressants again,” I said quietly. “I think I need them…”

“You should get them re-prescribed,” she suggested. I nodded.

“Later,” I murmured.

“C’mon,” she stood up and pulled me with her. I looked at her questioningly. “It’s early and I’m tired as fuck. Let’s just forget today and sleep, okay?” she said, already pulling me back to the bedroom.

Alyssa was not a force to be reckoned with. I kicked off my shoes and crawled back into bed, her following suit. She immediately clung to my side, and I draped an arm around her.

I closed my eyes, angry with myself. I shared such a special night with Alyssa last night, but of course I had to spoil it the morning after. It wasn’t fair for her.

“Shh,” she whispered, placing her hands on both sides of my face. My eyes fluttered open to look at her sadly. I didn’t want to feel sad. I wasn’t sad. I was so unbelievably happy with her, in every way possible. But a layer of darkness still coated my insides; I couldn’t help it. No matter how happy in the moment I was, it was always there, its insidious whispers telling me to fall.

“I’m sorry I—”

“No,” she interrupted. “You’ll get through this. I know everything is still raw in your head. I know it feels bad now but I can see that you’re getting better. We’ll get through this, together,” she said quietly. Her eyelids drooped from exhaustion. “You’re not leaving me, though,” she said.

“I love you,” I whispered, pulling her closer.

Alyssa’s eyes closed, her hands relaxing on my face and her body snuggling deeper into my chest. “Will that be enough, though?” she whispered before her breathing slowed with her sleep.

I, however, was now fully awake, thanks to her words.

I loved her. I loved Tony. I loved Mike.

But could my love for those people overpower my hatred for my own mind?

Notes

Ugh sorry this took so long. Short 'n shitty. My apologies.

Poor Vic. I've really put him through the ringer in this story ahahha. Do you think he'll ever recover from everything, or will it prove to be too much to handle, despite the fact that he has Alyssa, Tony, and Mike?

We shall see.


It's an interesting thing, depression. You can laugh and smile and even be happy at times, yet there still lies a deep sadness in your bones. Not like you're living a lie when you smile, but at the end of the day, it's, well, dark. Hopeless. For no reason, too. At least some types are like this, but I'm sure it's different across the board.

But even though it feels like there is no end or any hope at all, I believe that there really is. So if any of you feel this way don't give up. I love you all tons and if you need anything, I'm only a message away. <3

(I wanted to say that because i really do care about you guys, and also just in case the end was triggering in anyway because of his thoughts. Idk I kind of thought it was so yeah)

xoxo