It’s been a few days since my “incident”. I was still feeling horrible about it—thoroughly embarrassed for my dramatics and horrified for the way I dealt with Alyssa. The aftermath of an outburst like that was horrible for my head. Now that I was a lot calmer, I was stuck with the debris of the storm I stirred up. Although everyone was fine and unconcerned, I couldn’t stop thinking about how out of control I had been. It was a terrifying thought that I somehow thought what I was doing was justified during the action itself—I was so passionate about it (I guess that’s why they call second degree murder “crime of passion”)—yet now that things were calm and I was stuck with the memories, I couldn’t imagine why I would think it was okay to pull a knife on another human being.

“You’re shaking again,” I turned my head to Alyssa, and she was staring up at me sadly. I shifted my gaze to my hands. They were trembling. I closed my eyes and sighed.

“Sorry,” I murmured.

“Just stop thinking about it, please.” I nodded, and I felt her hands slip around my waist, pulling me back down to her level. I looked over her shoulder and gazed at the clock—it was nearing midnight. I had spent the day with Mike, trying to get to know him again and reform our relationship. It was a slow day, though, because my mind was still preoccupied. I felt horrible about that; I really needed to pay more attention to my brother. It still was a shock to the nerves for me that he was actually alive and here. It made me insanely happy, but I didn’t really show it. The thing about being “insanely happy”, for me, was that I was so happy my emotions clouded my judgment. I wanted revenge, and I thought I could get it. My feelings literally drove me to a moment of insanity. Now I know that my time would have been better served by just being with Mike as much as possible.

But I guess you couldn’t change the past.

Although, with the reintroduction of my brother, it sure as hell felt like you could.

“Vic,” Alyssa said softly. I looked at her again, our eyes locking.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, feeling bad that my anxiety was keeping her awake.

She smiled a little. “Everything’s okay now,” she kissed my nose. This was the first time any one has said that since Mike’s return, and it empowered me a little. Just those three words made me feel a little better about things, because I knew, deep down, that she was right. I was a tad melodramatic, but in the heat of the moment I truly couldn't help it, and it was easily forgivable. Everything’s okay now.

“You’re right,” I murmured. “At least, everything will be okay soon,” I said, my brain fast forwarding to working things out with my brother, becoming half of a family again….

“Exactly. Just be happy. You have your brother, and—oh! You guys can finally start that band you used to dream of,” she said, her eyes sparkling. I grinned and kissed her gently.

“You’re right,” I repeated again—because that was all I could say. I sighed lightly and closed my eyes, focusing on being close to Alyssa. The closer I was to her, the calmer I was. I felt her place a hand on my exposed cheek, and my eyes fluttered open, meeting her big, bold brown ones.

Slowly, she leaned in and placed her lips on mine—right where they fit perfectly. She curled her fingers against the side of my face, breathing in through her nose as the kiss strengthened, her body pressing closer to mine. I snaked my arms around her waist, holding her close by the small of her back. Our lips parted only for a moment—to look at each other significantly—before they pressed back together again. Her hand flattened against my cheek and then trailed down my face and neck. Once her fingers were on my shoulder, she applied pressure, gently pushing me to tip backwards from my side. In one swift movement, I rolled over to my back and she soon followed, her legs straddling my waist and her body leaning forward on top of me. My hands naturally traveled up her back, one resting there and the other going up a little further, to the back of her head.

I breathed slowly, her fingers dancing on both sides of my face as she brought her face closer to mine again. A piece of her hair fell and hit my forehead, but we were both too engrossed in our next kiss to really pay any mind to the way her hair tickled my face.

Alyssa pulled away from me again, her lips an irresistible millimeter away from mine. They were so close that they were nearly touching, but they were slightly skewed and I knew that she didn’t want me to kiss her again just yet. Her lips at the corner of my mouth, she whispered: “You’re wonderful.” She moved her lips to the other side of my mouth. “I love you,” she breathed. And then she moved them back to the center, her lips hovering over my bottom lip. “So fucking much,” she whispered, kissing me again.

“I love you, too,” I mumbled. I brought my hand around to her face, right as her hands were traveling down away from mine. They traced hearts on my chest, making their way lower and lower until she reached the hem of my t-shirt. “Can I take this off?” she whispered, her fingers gripping my shirt in such a way that the fingernails of her thumbs lightly scratched over the skin right above the waistband of my shorts. I didn’t bother answering; instead, I sat up slowly and took it off for her, discarding it mindlessly. Before I had time to help her with her own, she was already attacking my face with much more hungrier kisses then before. She dragged her lips to my neck, just below my ear, and I let out an involuntary moan when she started to suck on the skin. I tilted my head back breathlessly and my mouth remained slightly agape. Every time her mouth found the perfect spot on my neck, I squeezed her hips in pleasure.

As if by instinct, our mouths caught each other once again, our tongues immediately starting to twist together. Our mouths collided firmly, passionately, and even a bit sloppily as the intense desire between us increased with every waking second. As we continued to wrestle with our mouths, I ran my hands up and down her sides. I slipped them under her t-shirt and felt her bare body, my fingers tingling as they grazed over every chill-bump on her sides and stomach. I trailed my hands down to the edge of her shirt, and I opened my eyes for just a second to ask for permission, although I wasn’t sure if I needed any. She grabbed my wrists and moved them aside, just so she could talk her shirt off herself, all the while not breaking eye contact with me once. I groaned a little, taking in her body for split second before I pulled her back into me, our warming, bare torsos pressed together. I would much rather feel her against me then stare longingly at her body.

I pulled her down with me as I fell backwards, and I groaned again when the action made her grind a little against my lower half. Her hands explored my body while her mouth explored my neck, and my hands explored her body while my mouth was trying its best to not let out so many tiny moans.

“Relax,” she whispered. She kissed me softly on the lips—in contrast to the way we had been making out seconds prior—and then she slid down me a little, her lips out of reach from mine. I gazed at her as her fingers played with the waistband of my shorts. With an innocent smile and almost devilish grin, Alyssa slipped her fingers under the top and started to pull them down, her hands brushing against my skin driving impatience and need through my veins. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I kicked the shorts off of my legs completely, leaving me in only my boxers. She gave me a quick look as if to remind me to breathe. Alyssa started to go for my boxers next, but I quickly dragged my hands around to her lower back, sliding my thumbs into the waistband of her sweatpants. It didn’t feel right to be nearly naked with her mostly clothed—I wanted us to be together, in synch. She smiled softly as she caught on, helping me take her pants off. My hands instinctively went down to her thighs, lightly tracing over the healing bumps. I gently nudged her back a little so I could lean over and press my lips to her scarred skin, while I linked one of our hands together. My thumb brushed over the back of her hand tenderly.

“You’re so beautiful,” I murmured, gazing up at her when I finished kissing her thighs. She smiled down softly and ran her fingers through my hair, and then she pushed me back again. She dragged her hands down my chest and leaned down. My breathing hitched when she placed a kiss on my growing bulge—a thin layer of cotton being the only thing in between us. I would have called that kiss innocent if it wasn’t for the location of it.

“Babe,” I breathed lowly.

She smiled softly and looked up at me as she traced her fingers down my area. I tensed up a little in undeniable anticipation that was butterflying in my stomach, but my body soon relaxed to jelly at her touch. I ran my fingers through her hair and gently stroked her cheek before I tilted her head back up to regain the eye contact that had dissolved seconds ago. I stared at her meaningfully for a moment and put my hands on either side of her face, some of my fingers curling under her jaw, and tugged on her a little, asking, without my words, to come back to my level. She smiled softly again and crawled back up to me.

I trailed my hands down to her hips and then flipped us over so I was now hovering over her. I dragged my lips across hers briefly before I really focused on her neck and collarbone. I smiled against her skin when she let out soft moans, and I nibbled on her collar bone, causing her to yelp. I chuckled softly and pressed my body to hers closely, bringing my head back up to hers. Finding her lips once again, I sneakily slipped my tongue into her mouth, tangling it around her own. I wrapped my arms around her and lifted her up slightly, my fingers blindly searching for the clasp of her bra.

“What the fuck is this contraption?” I mumbled, unable to find it. She laughed against my mouth, the sensation lighting my veins on fire.

“It’s in the front, doofus,” she giggled.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I laughed, trailing my hands back to her front but taking my time to feel every slight curvature of her body. She sighed deeply as I did this, both of our breathing continuing to get heavier and heavier.

“I like to see you struggle,” she smirked, and I rolled my eyes, kissing down her neck again when my fingers—which I found to be trembling again—located the clasp. With a quick snap! the bra flung open, revealing her chest. I kissed the space in between while my hands flattened against her rib cage, inching their way up to her breasts. When my hands reached them, she moaned loudly. I silenced her quickly with my lips, but by the way she was squirming underneath me and sighing into my mouth I knew we would have to soon take care of the burning desire between us that just kept spreading more and more.

While one of my hands continued to explore her chest, my other tickled down her body. Her back arched and she moaned again when I began to rub her over her underwear. I kissed and sucked all over her stomach, wanting to drive her as crazy as possible. “Vic,” she whined slightly, her hips involuntarily thrusting up wards, causing more friction on my hand. I looked up at her, seeing her head tilted back, her eyes closed, and her teeth gnawing on her bottom lip.

She gasped slightly when I moved my hand off of her, hooking my fingers through the hem of her underwear. I tugged them slightly, not pulling them off until she gave me permission. After a short moment, she opened her eyes and looked at me, still biting her lip so I knew it was okay. I slid them down her thighs easily, but I had to sit back on my heels in order to pull them off the rest of the way. I pulled them off slowly, allowing my hands to enjoy the softness of her legs. I gazed at her the entire time, her teeth relaxing on her lip and her eyes fluttering open and closed.

As soon as I flung them away to an insignificant corner of the room, I traced my palms against her skin up from her shins to her kneecaps. I slipped my hands in between her knees and slowly pulled them apart, lowering myself on top of her again. I brought my lips to hers, just because I couldn’t stand being away from them for a long period of time. They were so sweet on my tongue.

Alyssa’s hands were cool and left a trail of chill bumps down my back. Just like I did with her, her fingers tugged on my boxers, and I—a little anxious—sat back up, pulling them down and kicking them away. Maybe I was nervous because this was the first time we’ve ever been completely naked together. Maybe I was nervous because this was my first time having sex, and I wondered if this was hers. I was about to ask but was interrupted when her hand grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me back down to her, while her other hand gently stroked my hardening area. I had a feeling she knew what she was doing; I, on the other hand, was simply relying on my instincts to guide me. So far I didn’t think it was a problem, but I was still a little worried.

“Is this your—” I began once I caught my breath.

“No,” she whispered. I nodded and closed my eyes, kissing her softly again. I didn’t comprehend the wave of disappointment that flowed through me—was I really feeling jealous of the person that took her first? I mentally shook my head of my thoughts that I was ashamed of—it honestly didn’t matter. Alyssa was mine now, and who ever was with her before was insignificant. Besides, who was I to talk? Just a few months ago, I had been with Bree—although, not exactly physically, since we never got around to that, but still. Alyssa had to witness me in a relationship with another girl, and I was sure that was a lot worse than the knowledge that she had slept with another guy before.

My thoughts shattered, though, when I felt her hand rub my now full erection harder than before. I gasped and fell on top of her even more, our heating bodies nearly sticking together. I snuck one of my hands down to her, again, making circles with my fingers to make sure we were both ready. She moaned softly against my mouth and we stopped touching each other before we got carried away. Her hands on my chest, I supported myself by placing a hand on the mattress next to her and reached across the bed to get the condom I had picked up earlier—well, more like the condom Mike had forced me to go out and buy. His obnoxious personality, I soon found out, had remained even with his memory loss. So he definitely had asked me questions about me and Alyssa, and he even managed to drill out that we didn’t have sex yet but were planning on doing it soon. He had nearly jumped out of his seat and dragged me by the collar to the car when he found out I never got around to buying condoms. I chuckled to myself at the recent memory while my finger fumbled with the zipper of my backpack. Opening a bag with one hand took a lot of effort; I had to kind of lift the bag up by the zipper and then jolt it up and down to open it up. After a few tries, I was able to grab the box of condoms and somehow open the box and rip a condom off of the top.

“Sorry, I wasn’t very prepared,” I laughed, leaning back to her and kissing her on the lips.

She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “I told you I liked seeing you struggle,” she joked with a giggle. I kissed her again, both of us breathing into each other. My hands gently rested on her jaw as I kissed her passionately, momentarily forgetting about the condom in between my fingertips.

After a moment, I bit my lip and sighed, sitting back up so she was sprawled out in front of me and I was kneeling in front of her. As I went to rip the condom open, though, she sat up and grabbed my hands, kissing my fingers lovingly. “I’ll do it,” she whispered before gently taking it out of my hold. I was glad, because I noticed that my hands were still slightly shaking, and I was afraid I wouldn’t put it on right. She ripped open the condom with her teeth—causing me to groan internally at the sight—and eyed me, leaning forward more. I looked down and watched as she rolled the condom on, her fingers moving back on my length making me moan slightly. I was so sensitive to her touch, every little touch sending pleasure coursing through my veins.

She leaned forward even more and kissed the head of my erection—it was amazing how she could make such a provocative action seem so innocent. I sighed softly and placed my hands on her bare shoulders, steadying myself and keeping my hands from shaking so noticeably. She tilted backwards and quickly wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down with her. I kissed her urgently, running my fingers through her hair lovingly while my other hand aligned myself at her entrance. I opened my eyes right as she opened hers.

“Ready?” I asked quietly. She nodded and smiled softly, leaning up to kiss me again. She moaned in my mouth, her breath hot and intoxicating, when I tapped against her center a few times before I slowly pushed into her. I grunted a little when I was fully in, assuming that she had probably had sex a long time ago because she was so tight around me. I stayed still to let her adjust and looked at her face, seeing that it was slightly twisted in discomfort. “Are you okay?” I brushed my fingers across her cheek. She nodded and opened her eyes, smiling weakly.

“It’s, uh, been awhile,” she blushed, scratching her head nervously. I reached over her and grabbed her hand, holding it carefully in mine. “You can move now,” she whispered, biting her lip. I nodded and slowly pulled back, getting used to the feeling myself. I ducked my head and kissed her lips over and over as I continued the motions of pulling in and out. I soon got into a rhythm, Alyssa whining and moaning underneath me. I let out throaty, breathless moans, our lips brushing together still. Although nobody else was home—Tony was at Drew’s and Mike and Jaime were still at the hotel they got when they first arrived in San Diego—we remained quiet. It seemed more intimate that way.

Alyssa’s hands, which had previously been clawing at my chest and back, snaked tightly at the back of my neck, her fingers tangling into my hair. My one hand continued to stroke her hair and the other rested on the side of her face, while our hips thrusted together and our upper halves stayed as close as possible.

Suddenly, Alyssa pushed up on me and flipped us around, so she was on top. She sat up and grinded her hips against mine, making me groan more audibly. She continued to roll her hips back and forth, her hands scratching at my chest. I held my hands at her hips and then dragged them up. I would gaze at her body moving in front of me, but I was so overpowered with pleasure I had to rest my head back and close my eyes. I didn’t want to come before her—I knew enough about sex that that was never a good thing.

I felt her hands go on top of mine, leading them to her chest. I groaned at the action and massaged them generously, this time her head tilted backwards as she continued to moan. I moved a little more from underneath her, the combination of her grinding and my thrusts nearly sending me over the edge. She let out another, longer moan, so I knew she was close, as well.

“Mm, Vic,” she sighed, tilting her head forward and opening her eyes. “I’m close,” she moaned, biting her lip as we stared at each other.

“Me too, baby,” I whispered, sliding my hands down her body and back to her hips. Her body started shaking, so I tightened my grip on her hips to stop her from moving and thrusted up and down as fast as I could, making her cry out in pleasure. Soon after she let out a final, dragged out moan and a satisfied sigh, I felt my release, as well. After a few more, slower thrusts, I stopped completely and she fell forward on top of me, both of us out of breath. Our bodies were sweaty and stuck together, and her heart was racing against mine that was beating out of my chest. I wanted to stay in this position forever.

I tenderly kissed her collarbone, her jaw, and then her lips, stroking her long hair down her back. She brushed her fingers through my sweaty and matted hair before she rolled off of me, removing herself from me but remaining clung to my side.

I knew I had to clean up, so, after a few moments of us catching our breath together, I whispered: “I’ll be right back.” I took the off the condom and tied it off, walking to the bathroom to throw it away in there. I grabbed a towel and cleaned my hands real quick before quickly going back to her. She smiled up at me, already tucked happily under the covers. I grabbed my boxers from the floor and slipped them on before I opened the covers and slid in next to her. She immediately snuggled up to me, our legs intertwining. I twirled my fingers through the ends of her hair and kissed her softly.

“Are you sure that was your first time?” she asked.

“I'm pretty sure,” I chuckled. “Why?”

“’Cause you’re fucking amazing,” she whispered, snaking an arm around my side. Lying on her left side, facing me, her left hand was flattened against my still-racing heart while her right was draped over my side.

I laughed again and grinned at her. “You are too,” I said.

“I love you,” she breathed, resting her forehead against mine. I kissed her again, leaning closer to her. Catching on, she rolled to her other side and I came up from behind her, our legs still intertwined and my hands wrapped around her. She held them in her own, and I leaned up to see her eyes fluttering closed with a smile on her face. I held her protectively and kissed the nape of her neck. The only thing running through my head, instead of all of the anxieties and problems in my dramatic life, was how amazing it was to have her in my arms like this, her body warm and bare against mine, everything calm and perfect for once. Because I felt my calmest and happiest when I was with her. Like she was my anchor, keeping me from losing myself. And I knew I was the same for her. I kissed her neck again before settling my head in the space behind hers, sighing in satisfaction.

“I love you, too,” I whispered back. I closed my eyes, everything perfect and I never wanted to leave her side. “So much.”

Notes

I hope the lengthy smut makes up for all of the crazy drama that has happened lately. I've never really written smut that descriptive before so I FEEL AWKWARD but actually I really don't feel that awkward. I did at first but by the end I was like woo

hahahahah

I was just thinking the other day, like, I wonder if any of you people go to my school. There's at least one girl in my creative writing class at school who I know listens to PTV because she complimented my shirt one time (it was a PTV shirt) and she wore a BMTH shirt one time so I know she’s into this music scene, and since she's in creative writing I wonder if she reads or writes fan fiction (Im incredibly shy and awkward in real life so I don't talk really in class and we are in separate grades but I wish I had friends that listened to PTV hint hint). THAT WOULD BE SO COOL but so awkward at the same time omg

I'm rambling please ignore me

ok I think I just put that up there to distract you guys from how awkward I feel after the smut I just wrote. I don't even know hahahahaha

okay bye

no wait

To all you fellow american's out there: HAPPY THANKSGIVING! And to all other people from other countries: Have a good day, anyway!
I probably will write this weekend (we have a few days off) but I won't update--well, Don't expect an update. Ya never know though. But, yeah..
I hope everyone has a fabulous tomorrow or a fabulous today if tomorrow is already here for you. And might I add that you all are included on my mental list of people I'm thankful for

I love you all <3