I Guess I Never Should Have Loved You

“Tony,” Anna repeated, her face flickering with a few undetectable emotions.

“Anna, I think you know why I’m here,” Tony said, furrowing his eyebrows at the still placid girl in the doorway. Anna tried her best to be calm, to keep the mask on her face for Tris’ sake, but it was so difficult for her. She really liked Tony—she hated to see him hurting at the hands of her and her best friend.

“Anna,” Tony repeated. He could tell by the tension in her face that she was close to breaking—that she was going to give in at any moment. “I’m not trying to be manipulative. I’m not trying to be pushy. I’m not trying to be a stalker. If she doesn’t want me here, then please just fucking tell me so I can get on with my life,” Tony snapped—in his entire life, Tony has never raised his voice that high before, he has never allowed his voice to sound so strong and influential, especially to a woman—it was just out of character for him. But Tony just wanted an answer—no, he needed an answer. If he was going to move on without Tris in his life, he at least needed closure.

Anna shook her head, biting her lip and looking down. It looked, to Tony, as if she was trying hard not to say something—as if the words were dancing on the edge of her lips, threatening to jump off and spill everything.

“Anna, I’m begging you. Please talk to me. Just—just—I don’t even have to see her. Just tell me what she says. Please, Anna,” Tony’s knees wobbled as he spoke.

“I can’t Tony,” she said quietly.

“Why not?” Tony asked, intending for it to be an angry growl, but it came out in sad crack. “Why can’t you just talk to me?”

“Because,” Anna said, still not budging.

“Why do you have to be so stubborn? Why do you girls both have to be so stubborn? I love her, okay? Why doesn’t she see this?” Tony yelled. “Tris, I love you! Just come talk to me, baby, please! I’ll leave if you really still want me gone, I promise! I don’t know what I did wrong, but please just tell me so I can try to fix it!” Tony yelled into Anna’s house, calling over her shoulder. Tony couldn’t tell for sure, but he thought he saw Anna flinch when he raised his voice close to her ear.

“I’m sorry, Anna,” Tony sighed. “I know she’s in there. I'm not going to force my way into your house, but could you just hear me out?” Tony asked, annoyed that he was the only one doing the talking. Anna continued to stand there—motionless, emotionless.

“Anna,” Tony said, emphasizing her name in exasperation but also speaking softly.

“No, Tony,” Anna whispered.

Tony couldn’t find any more words within him. He just stared into Anna’s eyes, begging with his own.

“Tony, you did nothing wrong, okay?” Anna finally spoke up.

“Then what’s the problem?” Tony furrowed his eyebrows.

“Tony, you did nothing wrong. Nothing,” she repeated, almost robotically.

“Anna, you said that already,” Tony said, taking a step closer to her. He noticed that she was shaking from the cold rain—the rain that had been fearlessly falling the entire time he stood on her doorstep. He hadn’t even noticed.

“Tony, do you understand that none of this is your fault? That’s what she wants me to tell you,” she said. Tony nodded, understanding, but not quite understanding at all.

“Then why…”

“Tony, you have to understand, okay? Tris was just a depressed girl. It was nothing she did, nothing you did, but she has always been like that. A sad, mentally ill girl. You can’t blame yourself, because you helped her. But Tris couldn’t see that because she was too messed up in the head. She was good at hiding it, but I think you knew. I think you knew the entire time, but you stayed with her anyway. So, thank you for loving her,” Anna said, kissing Tony on the cheek.

Tony just stared at her, not really processing what she was saying. “She said she doesn’t believe in love,” Tony mumbled. “That’s what she told me.”

The rain fell just as hard as it did that day. Tris’ previous words rang in his head: ‘Love isn’t real.’

“You made her so happy, but she, for some reason, was afraid it wouldn’t last. That’s why she left you, Tony,” Anna explained.

Tony nodded, understanding better. “I knew she was sad on the inside—I kissed the scars on her skin, Anna. I knew who she was, but I still wasn’t expecting this,” Tony said.

Anna fidgeted nervously. She wished that she could say something reassuringly to Tony, but no words came out of her mouth. She wished that she could say that they should have known, but the problem with that was that Anna did know. She was expecting it...

“Anna…” Tony hissed. “This is bullshit. Just let me talk to her. Tris!” Tony called into the house again, tears simultaneously streaming down his face.

He knew.

He knew the whole damn time.

Anna just shook her head.

“You’re lying,” Tony spat.

“You’re lying so she doesn't have to talk to me. Who even does that?” Tony accused angrily.

“Tris! Come on!” Tony yelled into the house, his words a dangerous echo.

“No, Tony,” Anna said quietly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“No?” Tony asked in a whisper. “No…”

“Anna, damn it! Where is Tris?” Tony asked, although he knew. He knew.

“Tris—Tris isn’t…she isn’t here anymore,” Anna said, tears falling from her eyes now.

“What do you mean she isn’t here anymore?” Tony asked, his voice barely audible. He knew what she meant, but he needed her to say it out loud. It wouldn’t feel real until the words wrapped around in his ears, tying a noose around his brain, slithering into his hollow and half-beating heart, dissolving into his bloodstream, imprinting onto his bones…

“She’s…” Anna paused, a sob racking her body.

“No!” Tony yelled, pushing past her and running into the house. “Tris?” Tony screamed at the top of his lungs, checking every room, every hallway, every corner. Nothing.

“Tris!” Tony screamed again, falling down on to his knees. Anna followed Tony inside, sinking down to his level.

“Wh-where did sh-she g-go?” Tony asked, his entire body shaking.

“She’s dead, Tony,” Anna said quietly.

“NO!” Tony screamed again. “She’s not! She’s not dead!” Tony continued to deny. “I’m going to go look for her! I’ll find her! You’ll see!” Tony could no longer yell, his useless promises cracking like the thick air of the murky house.

“She is, Tony,” Anna said, crying hysterically. She had no other choice but to throw herself onto Tony, wrapping her arms around his neck tightly as she cried into his shoulder. She needed someone to cry on—she had nobody else to cry on. Tony broke down, as well, hugging Anna’s waist as tight as possible, crying on her profusely. They held each other for what felt like an eternity.

“It’s all a lie,” Tony mumbled.

“No,” Anna moaned sadly. “I hate for you to find out this way,” she whispered.

“What happened to her?” Tony asked, afraid of the answer.

Anna shook her head. “She did it herself, Tony. She committed suicide,” she said. Anna was surprised at how easy it was to say that. Maybe because she felt so numb on the inside that the words didn’t really feel like they were coming from her own mouth.

“No!” Tony screamed again, ripping himself away from Anna and cowering into a nearby corner. He dug his nails into his scalp, pulling on his hair. “She wouldn’t do that to herself. She wouldn’t do that to me. She wouldn’t do that to you,” Tony rambled.

“She did, though,” Anna tilted her head to the side—as if she was hearing these words for the first time in her life and couldn’t believe them herself.

“I-I think…”

“What do you think?” Anna choked out.

“I-I’m g-going…”

“Tony?”

Before Tony could answer, he bounced up, racing over to the kitchen sink, spilling the contents of his stomach down the drain. “Oh, God…” Tony moaned miserably, wiping his face with his sleeve. Tony dropped down onto his knees again, hugging the counter in order to not fall completely down. “You vulture…” he accused sourly.

“Come on, Tony,” Anna gently tugged on Tony’s shoulders, trying to get him up. Her voice was stronger, but she was also crying—the tears were infinite, just like the rain.

“I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. But I promised her. I promised her,” Anna said softly.

“Why would she make you promise?” Tony croaked, standing up and following her to wherever she was leading him.

“I-I don’t know. She said it was important. And I couldn’t break the promise, Tony,” Anna cried. She turned abruptly, gripping Tony by the collar. “I couldn’t break the promise!” she yelled.

“Okay, okay,” Tony said softly, pulling her in closely.

After a few moments, Anna pulled away again, rummaging through a drawer. She took out an envelope, holding it tenderly and protectively in her chest. “I wanted to tell you sooner, but she made me promise to wait for you to come to me. She said it was the only way,” Anna explained again.

“I understand, Anna,” Tony said quietly. He didn’t understand Tris’ intentions, but he understood that Anna couldn’t break her dead best friend’s wish.

“Here,” Anna handed Tony the envelope. “It’s for you. She said specifically to give it to you if you came to me, first,” Anna said, her voice cracking again. Anna took out another piece of paper—perhaps Tris’ own letter to Anna—and fell to the ground again as she read the words for the millionth time.

Tony opened up the envelope, his hand shaking as he looked at the smeared ink. The paper was already cracked and hardened, as if it had already been exposed to water. Tony looked carefully at the piece of paper, realizing that there were splotches of dried circles—where tears had fallen. Next to a dried circle was a newer one, the paper thinned out, weak, and soggy, a fresh tear falling on the cursed page.

Tony timidly focused his eyes on the writing. He didn’t want to read it, but he also knew this would be his only form of closure.

Dear Tony,

If you are reading this, I am sorry. If you are reading this… that means that I was wrong. I guess that it means that you really do love me. And, for that, I am truly sorry. I am sorry that I was too selfish to realize that your love was real, that you were real. I have no excuse for my behavior, except that I was too selfish and blinded by my own fears and insecurities to realize that you were telling the truth.

I really hope that you don’t find this, because if you do, then I promise that I am looking down on you with so much regret and sadness. I’ve done something terrible, Tony. I’ve done something so terrible, but I can’t undo what I’ve done. I’m so sorry that I’ve done this to you. God, I really hope that you don’t try to look for me, that you don’t get your hands on this, even though that means you don’t love me. I hate myself, Tony. I hate how selfish I am. I hate how scared I feel on the inside. I hate how empty I feel on the inside. You were the only thing that filled my empty heart, you were the only thing that kept my heart beating for the longest time. It wasn’t that you weren’t enough, Tony, it was that I wasn’t enough. You deserve someone who can love you back, Tone. I was like a leech—sucking up all of the love and life from you and living so vicariously through you, but that wouldn’t last forever. I couldn’t continue lying to myself. I couldn’t continue lying to you.

So I’m really sorry, Tony Perry. I know sorry is such a shitty thing to hear, but I honestly don’t know what else to say. Words can’t express how I feel, Tony. I hope that maybe one day you’ll forgive me. Maybe one day I’ll see you again, where I can love you properly, but don’t you dare follow me out, Tony. Don’t you dare try and join me before it’s your time.

This is not your fault. You treated me with so much respect and care and I could not have asked any more from you. I didn’t deserve you at all. My brain is so fucked up—I have always been depressed. I have always been suicidal. That’s just who I am, and I can’t help it either. I’m just not happy, Tony. I am happy with you, but at the end of the day I’m still depressed, I’m still fucked up in the head, and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I wish I never met you at that Warped Tour, because then you wouldn’t have to deal with all of my shit. But everything happens for a reason, I suppose. I just don’t know what that reason is.

Tony, it hurts to leave you. But it hurts to stay, too. I’ve given up. I am selfish, and I’ve decided that I want to be done. I’m sorry… If I mean anything to you then I’m sorry, but I’ve made up my mind.

Just let me go, Tony. I’m happy and at home in the clouds, at least I think I will be. I’ll be watching over you, thousands of feet off of the ground, but I’ll be keeping an eye on you and the world. Because I think I do love you, Tony. I was just too scared to admit it. Love scares me, and I won’t ever get over that fear. It’s just who I am.

Please go home, now, and move on. Don’t stop playing your music, either, Tony, because you are so good. Join a band, travel the world with your best friends, and change lives. Make people feel better with your guitar playing like the way you made me feel better with your guitar playing, please.

Goodbye, Tony.

-Tris

Tony dropped the paper onto the ground—it floated down slowly, like a feather.

Everything came back to him at once. How did I not see this before? Tony yelled at himself in his head, realizing that the signs were there, but he just was too blinded to see them.

The way Tris looked away shyly whenever Tony complimented her, the way she bit her lip and knitted her eyebrows when she was deep in thought, the way she toyed around with sharp objects, the several times Tony walked in on her hurting herself, the times she woke up screaming from nightmares, the way she never actually said ‘I love you’ out loud… it all made perfect sense to Tony, now. Tris had drawn him in. Tony had fallen for her quickly, submitting to her spell. Her irresistible charm. He had dangerously involved himself with someone who he knew, deep down, was self-destructive. She had been a ticking time bomb, and, unfortunately, Tony was standing too close when she went off.

Tony’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard more sobs.

“I shouldn’t have let her,” Anna cried. “I let her plan this whole thing. I shouldn’t have!”

“You… you didn’t try to stop her?” Tony asked incredulously.

“I did try! You said it yourself; she’s so stubborn!” Anna cried. “It’s all my fault,” she whimpered. “I could have stopped her…”

“Anna?”

“I’m sorry, Tony. She didn’t expect that you would be here. I told her! I told her to keep you! I told her that you were good, that you could help her, but she didn’t believe me. I was her best friend, and I still couldn’t save her. Tris couldn’t be saved,” Anna realized. “I’m sorry, Tony. She really didn’t expect you to be here. This is harder than I thought it would be,” Anna mumbled.

“But I am here! Doesn’t that mean anything, to anyone?”Tony’s blood boiled when he thought about how Tris set this all up—as if this all were a game. He could practically imagine her planning this out with her friend, Anna. He knew that they had a deep connection, but he never considered that their friendship involved them being so welcoming of each other’s deadly tendencies. Tris and Anna walked the path to Hell hand in hand, unintentionally dragging Tony right along with them.

“You should leave, now, Tony,” Anna said quietly.

“No, Anna. I’m not leaving you here alone,” Tony retorted.

“Yes, you are. Do what Tris says. Go home.”

Her words shook Tony. “Why did you guys act like everything was okay?” Tony asked, thinking back to the time they all sat around together, bonding over tubs of ice creams and cheap chick flicks.

“We weren’t acting,” Anna said flatly.

“Then…”

“Nothing lasts forever, Tony,” Anna said, just as emotionless as before.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” Tony furrowed his eyebrows. He had gone on this mission to get better, to get closure. But he finished it a lot sooner than he thought; only he was more broken than before.

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” Anna said, sincerity in her eyes as she repeated the line again. She really was sorry—she hated to see Tony hurting. She hated that her best friend was dead, but even though moments before she was crying hysterically, she wasn’t as sad as she thought she would be. She knew it was coming, and she intended to follow Tris out. That was the plan, after all. Anna was just a mess because of Tony—they didn’t plan that Tony was going to actually show up. Despite the fact that Anna had seen good in Tony before, she believed in the same values as Tris—that nothing lasted forever, that people only hurt other people. This fact was evident presently. People only hurt other people.

‘I’m going now, Anna,’ Tris whispered to her sleeping friend. Tris knew that, when the time came, Anna wouldn’t let her go, so she had smuggled her some sleeping pills. She wouldn’t be awake for hours, and then it would be too late. Tris could no longer be saved. As selfish as that made her, Tris didn’t care. That only made her want to do it more.

Tris teetered over the edge of the bridge, breathing in the fresh air. ‘This will do the trick,’ she said out loud to herself, her words whipping around in the wind. Her maroon colored hair brushed against her pale skin, and she delicately tucked some of it behind her ears as she stared down at the rough water beneath her.

Tris didn’t think too much. She hated to think—it hurt her head.

So instead of thinking, she just fell forward, feeling like she was flying, like she was actually alive.

The last thought she had before she abruptly hit the rocks and water below was, ‘I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.”

And just like that, her thoughts didn’t matter. She had made the biggest mistake of her life, but that made no difference, considering the fact that her life was no more.

Anna knew that she couldn’t be saved, either. Tris and Anna could save each other—but only by jumping. What Anna didn’t know, however, was that Tris regretted the decision the second her feet left the ground. She was messed up, but she also knew that something was holding her to Earth—that someone was holding her to the Earth. And, unfortunately, nobody was tying Anna to the Earth. Tris was gone, and that was all Anna had. She wasn’t about to stick around for Tony’s sake—he reminded her too much of Tris. It would be too painful.

But Anna wasn’t mad at Tris. They had talked about this a lot. They had come to an agreement. A mutual agreement. Anna wasn’t mad at Tris at all for her own sake. She was mad a Tris for doing this to Tony—she had allowed the relationship to go on for a year, even though she knew the tragic ending; in fact, Anna supported it. She want Tris to live a little before she died. They just didn't expect Tony and Tris to actually fall in love--they had neglected to consider that Tony had real feelings.

“I’m sorry this happened to you. And I’m sorry you were unfairly brought into our fucked up lives,” Anna said to Tony.

“I’ll be okay, Tony, okay?” Anna reassured.

“Anna…”

“Tony, please go. I… I promise, I’m okay. Okay?” Anna said seriously, not allowing a single emotion flicker on her face that gave her away. “Now just go home,” she said softly.

Tony nodded, hugging her tightly.

“Be safe. I promise I’ll be fine. It’s you who I worry about,” Anna said. Tony couldn’t answer; he only hugged her again before reluctantly going into his car like a zombie.

“I’ll see you around?” Tony needed to make sure.

“Yes, Tony. I’ll see you,” she smiled weakly, kissing his cheek. “Try to get better, okay?” she asked.

Tony nodded. At least I have closure… Tony thought silently to himself.

“I feel bad leaving you now,” Tony said.

“You have to go back home. You can’t stay here,” Anna pressed.

“Go and play your guitar. You’ll feel better,” she suggested with a smile. Tony nodded—happy to think about music again.

“Bye Anna,” Tony said softly.

“Bye,” she whispered. As Tony drove away, Anna darted back to her temporary home, a smirk across her lips. She knew she was a bad person; but it only made the desire increase.

Anna took out the small handgun, placing it underneath her chin. She has always been a good actress, and she wasn’t worried about Tony ever coming back. No more pain, she thought as she pulled the trigger.

And Tony drove away—dangerously too fast—tears streaming down his face again. He couldn’t fathom the conversation he just had with Anna. He couldn’t believe that it was real.

Except the only probably was that he could believe it. Deep down he knew; part of him was… relieved? Tony chuckled at the irony as a lyric danced in his head—a lyric of Vic’s that had stuck with him from earlier: Please understand me when I’d rather see you dead than live without me so thirsty for more! Tony knew that the pain of Tris not loving him but being alive was much worse than the pain of Tris loving him but being dead. It didn’t make sense, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care.

The rain stopped, at least. Tony turned the corner, back onto his street, and he parked at the curb of Vic’s house.

Numb. That’s all he felt, now.

“Hey, Tony,” Vic was a little too cheerful for Tony’s preference when Tony knocked on his door.

“Hi,” he managed to choke out.

“Tony, what happened?” Vic asked, concerned as he studied Tony’s face. Pain. That was the main emotion that existed on Tony’s features. Pain, and torture, and confliction. Confusion. All of those feelings, masked by a layer of numbness.

Tony shook his head, his mouth unable to form the words.

“It’s ironic, Vic. She said when she left me that she didn’t love me, but that she cared for me. But now I realize that it was just the opposite. She did love me, but she didn’t care. That didn’t stop her from killing herself,” Tony said in a rushed manned. Before Vic could even react, Tony turned around, racing back to his own house. He rushed into his bathroom, locking the door behind him. Tony was way past the point of rational thoughts. He didn’t think; he just did.

Tony felt as insignificant as a single raindrop, mixed in with thousands, millions of other ones. He felt like he was in a constant downward spiral—there was no other direction a raindrop could go other than down. And sooner or later, and most likely sooner, he was going to meet the ground with an irreversible splat. Or he would hit the roof of a car, or the road, or a house, or even another person’s cheek. He would just splash unimportantly on to another surface, everything that he was and used to be dissolving in one millisecond. He’d turn into a tiny puddle, and then he’d either evaporate into the sky with the rest of the fallen raindrops or sink into the soil with the unlucky ones. Maybe, Tony thought, just maybe he’d evaporate into the sky and meet Tris up there, too—his angel—but he had a terrible feeling that he would be the unlucky raindrop, splashing into a garden only to sink into the ground forever. Nonetheless, Tony felt like his end was as inevitable as a raindrop.

Or a tear. Tears flowed constantly from Tony’s eyes, and those too were going to die eventually.

Eventually, the word rung in Tony’s ears. How about now?

Tony picked up a shard of glass that he still hadn’t cleaned up, toying it around his coarse fingertips before holding it against his arm. “I’m just a raindrop,” Tony cried, wishing now more than ever that he would just splash into the ground already, leaving fate to decide where he ended up.

Tony applied serious pressure to his wrist, breaking the skin slightly. Here comes the pain, Tony thought, despite being indifferent to the pain, anyway. And here comes the rain, he added. An odd smirk stretched across Tony’s features as he closed his eyes, took a breath real slow, and prepared to drag the glass across his delicate wrist.

“Tony,” a recognizable voice called out to him before he could carry out his actions. “No.”

Notes