I Guess I Never Should Have Loved You

A few days passed since Tony had to get his hand stitched up; the stitches were now dissolving, and Tony could finally function like a normal human being with his own two hands—If only he could stand up on his own two feet, as well. Vic insisted that Tony stayed the rest of the week at his house, still wary for Tony to go back home. At this point, Vic knew just as well as Tony that Tony’s house held many memories with Tris. And, honestly, Vic was afraid that Tony would burn down his own house just to cut out the pain completely. The thought had actually crossed Tony’s mind a few times, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to afford the costs of burning down his home. So, he agreed to stay with the Fuentes brothers, hoping that his pyromaniac urges would dissolve with his stitches.

“Hey, Vic?” Tony approached Vic, who was sitting at his table writing something down on a piece of paper.

“What’s up man?”

“I was just curious…” Tony began, feeling awkward all of a sudden. He hoped that he wasn’t interrupting Vic from something important, but he then realized that it was a little too late to back out of the conversation.

“Curious about what?” Vic asked, noticing Tony’s pause.

“Er, I was wondering if I could give your band a listen? You know, like the album you released?” Tony mumbled awkwardly. He knew that the album was available for anyone to listen to, but he felt like it would be creepy to listen to without his permission.

“Of course you can!” Vic exclaimed happily, glad to see Tony take an interest in something. Of all things, too—Vic’s face lit up like a light bulb when Tony mentioned the band. “It’s called A Flair For The Dramatic. Here,” Vic handed Tony his iPod, pulling up the album.

“Sweet,” Tony grinned, excited to listen. Vic smiled at Tony’s enthusiasm—Tony has been doing better with conversation, still being shy but also more confident, and Vic couldn’t help but notice that Tony was even better when the conversation involved music.

“Do you mind…?” Tony held up his own headphones that he had brought from his house, asking if he could plug in for a while. He didn’t want to be rude and ignore his host.

“Of course!” Vic said, acknowledging the fact that the record sounded amazing when you listened to it with headphones. “Make sure you blast it,” Vic joked.

Tony smiled in response, sitting down at the table with Vic while he plugged in. Vic was writing, but he was going to take a break, anyway, not being able to find the right words. He was frustrated with his lack of creativity, but he figured it would be for the best to relax and save the writing for later. For now, he wanted to study Tony’s reaction to his music. He has never seen something like this before—Jaime had listened to the album on his own time, and he was interested to see the expressions that someone had when they first listened to the music.

Tony turned the album on from the beginning, “Chemical Kids and Mechanical Brides” starting first.

Tony was amazed with what he was hearing.

Like a rush shot through you

Everyone is watching you

Told you why I see no need for the sun

(I've found a reason to say)

A love you light is a love soon gone

If this is it

Don't bother ‘cause this love is a lie

I'm a chemical kid

You're a mechanical bride

(When every vein is red out of the blue)

I held a diamond to the sun

To count the moments on account of the way you

Smile, smile for me

(Oh, we're in slow motion when you)

Smile, smile for me

Tris’ smile flashed in Tony’s mind—her silver lip ring flickering on her pink lips. It wasn’t in a painful way, though—it was in a blissful, peaceful way. Vic analyzed every twitch of Tony’s face, recognizing a mix of pure emotions—happiness, sadness, wonder…

But, oh my God, I've been looking

But I still hold your breath so you won't leave

Tony frowned—not because of the song, but because of himself. He hasn’t really been looking hard enough for Tris, has he?

Pastel-red and porn star-white

Ghost on the altar

We breathe, don't leave…

Say that the night sings alone

And if there's a God

Then I'm letting Him go

All for you, you alone

Raise my hands

At the thought of you leaving me alone

(What if I... what if I...

What if I, I still care?)

Don't torture me or beg me

Can you make me believe in tiring?

As you fall fast asleep, it reminds me

Of the slow symphonies behind me

(They sing along)

All the nightmares you'll see tomorrow

All the stars on your ceiling

They glow but not for you

Through the trees, I'll blow

Tony paused the song as it ended before the next song begun to play, staring at Vic in amazement.

“This was you?” Tony couldn’t help but ask. Vic chuckled.

“Yeah, that’s me singing,” Vic nodded, feeling slightly embarrassed. He decided that he didn’t like being present when someone was first listening to his music, afraid that their opinion on it would be tainted by his presence. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel confident in the album; he just didn’t think it was fair for the listener.

“You’re amazing!” Tony exclaimed excitedly. “I love this music,” he sighed dreamily.

“Thanks, man,” Vic said.

“The lyrics are so relatable, too. You wrote this all yourself?” Tony asked. Tony felt, for some strange reason, that this song was the mere essence of his situation with Tris. He couldn’t help but wonder how Vic did it.

“Yeah, my brother and I. Thanks a lot,” Vic grinned, pleased to see that Tony appreciated the song.

“You’re definitely going somewhere with this,” Tony said lowly as he played the remainder of the album. Tony was completely engrossed in the music, bobbing his head occasionally. Vic smiled as he watched Tony listen, happy to see how happy Tony looked.

“I need to find her,” Tony said lowly after he finished listening.

“Huh?” Vic didn’t catch what Tony had said.

“I need to look for Tris, I think,” Tony said, his eyebrows knitting.

“I know you’re in pain, Tony, but don’t you think that looking for her is a bad idea?” Vic said, worried for Tony.

“Well, sitting around and moping about her isn’t a good idea, either,” Tony said. Vic nodded, allowing that.

“I just don’t want to see you more hurt than you are now,” Vic said truthfully.

“I need closure. I just want to know why, you know? And I want to know how she truly feels,” Tony said with a sigh.

“I see,” Vic nodded, wondering where this sudden burst of determination came from.

“Do you know where you are going to start?” Vic asked. Vic had a feeling that this was one of those things that Tony had to do on his own, but he also wanted to help Tony in any way that he could.

“I’m going to try going to her best friend’s house, first. Anna,” Tony said. “I don’t think I’m going to have to look too far, to be honest,” Tony added, confident that Tris either told Anna where she was going, or that Tris was with Anna herself.

“Okay,” Vic said warily.

“Er, Vic?”

“Yeah?”

“Does this count as stalking?” Tony asked innocently. Vic, however, couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“I don’t think so,” he chuckled lightly. Then, his tone turned more serious. “Just, if it doesn’t go well, back off, okay? I’m not trying to sound harsh, but there is a reason why she’s gone,” Vic said, wishing that he regretted the words from his mouth, but knowing that they were the truth. Tony nodded, unfortunately agreeing with Vic’s reality check.

“Where are you going?” Vic asked when Tony stood up.

“I might as well go now, right?” Tony asked rhetorically. Vic shrugged his shoulders.

“Do what you got to do,” he said.

“Anna only lives across town, so I’ll go there,” Tony said—more to himself than anything.

“Do you need help with anything?” Vic asked, unsure as to what to say next. Tony shook his head.

“Thanks for being there for me, even though we just met. But I’ve got to go on my own,” Tony said, confirming Vic’s previous assumption that this was a mission only Tony could go on.

“Be careful,” Vic said.

Tony half-smiled, setting the iPod and headphones down on the table in front of Vic. Vic nodded, and, with that, Tony turned away on his heels, exiting the house quickly. Tony didn’t understand what had come over him, either—just something in the music gave him the burst of confidence that he needed.

Tony walked over to his house to get his own car. As soon as he pulled out of his driveway, Tony’s nerves began to frazzle in nervousness. He was afraid of how Tris was going to react when she sees that Tony was not giving up that easily—that he couldn’t just let her go.

“Breathe, Tony,” Tony reminded himself as he continued the ten-minute drive to Anna’s house.

Tony had met Anna on several occasions—she was truly Tris’ best friend, so, naturally, Tony spent a lot of time with the two of them. Tony smiled, thinking about how adorable Tris was when she was with her friend. Sure, Tris had her moments—moments when her depression seemed to cloud her head of all sense—but for the most part she was okay. She smiled a lot, and her shocking green eyes agreed with the uplifting of the corner’s of her perfectly soft lips.

‘Come on, we don’t want to be late!’ Tris squealed energetically, gripping Tony’s hand.

Tony chuckled. ‘Yes, ma’am,’ he rolled his eyes at Tris’ persistence.

‘Are you sure it’s okay that I go?’ Tony paused and asked, afraid that he was infringing on some ‘best friend’ time.

‘Of course it’s okay!’ Tris said. ‘Anna is my best friend, so you two need to get along,’ Tris added.

‘And why is that?’ Tony asked lowly. Tris didn’t realize until now that Tony had pulled her in by her waist, and their faces were millimeters apart.

‘Because,’ she whispered quietly, reluctant to admit that she wanted Tony to be friends with her best friend in order for their relationship to be go any further. Anna was a huge part of Tris’ life, so if Tony wanted to be in it, too, he had to be friends with Anna, also.

Tony winked, knowing what she was thinking, and kissed her lightly on the lips. Tris stood there, frozen in his grasp—the effect that Tony had on her was unreal.

‘Come on, we don’t want to be late!’ he repeated Tris’ words from before, tugging on her arm. Tony smirked as Tris returned back to reality, and, together, they walked to the car to go to Anna’s house.

‘Anna banana!’ Tris smiled at her friend when they arrived. Tris was normally soft spoken and reserved, but around her best friend she was more confident and even a little wild.

‘Hi, Trisy. Hey, Tony,’ Anna acknowledged Tony. They had met only a few times before—the first time being when Tony helped Tris find her friend, the very first day they met. He also saw her again at the end of that Warped Tour date, when he was dropping Tris off back with Anna.

‘How are you?’ Tony asked politely.

‘Excellent, now!’ she smiled at Tris and Tony. Anna loved how happy Tris looked when she was with Tony—she radiated joy.

‘This is going to be so fun! I love messing with Tris by being a third wheel,’ Anna grinned at Tony and Tris again, playfulness in her eyes.

‘Hey, I’m the third wheel, here!’ Tony said.

Anna put her hand on her chin. ‘Yeah, I guess you are right,’ she allowed. ‘Sorry, Tony,’ she said sarcastically, grabbing Tris’ hand and pulling her towards herself, away from Tony.

‘Hey, she’s mine,’ Tony joked, but slightly meaning the words, as well.

‘I had her first,’ Anna said with a frown.

‘Hey! Ladies! There’s enough of me to go around,’ Tris giggled, waving her arms around energetically.

‘Good!’ Anna said, wrapping Tris into a hug. ‘He’s good, Trisy. Keep him,’ Anna mumbled into her ear—Tony oblivious to the comment.

‘And there’s some for you, too, Tone,’ Tris giggled—feeling rather empowered by Anna’s words—and jumped back over to Tony, kissing him quickly on the lips. In this moment, with her best friend and boyfriend, Tris has never felt happier. She only hoped that the feeling would last, but she knew, deep down, that it wouldn’t.

That didn’t stop her from enjoying the time they had in the present time, though.

‘Let’s do something fun!’ Anna cheered.

Apparently Anna and Tris’ definition of fun was curling up on the couch watching movies and eating ice cream, but Tony would not have wanted it any other way. He was seeing his girlfriend in her most raw, truest form—at least that’s what he thought.

Tony sat on the right side of the couch, his arms snaked around Tris as they shared a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. Anna was on the opposite side of Tris, her head leaning on her shoulder as they enjoyed the Half Baked flavor.

‘Muahaha, I get two flavors and you guys only get one,’ Tris giggled.

‘Nope, now you only get one, my dear,’ Tony said, holding the Chocolate Fudge Brownie tub away from her reach.

‘Oh no you didn’t,’ Tris glared sarcastically at Tony.

‘Oh yes he did,’ Anna chimed in.

‘So, is this all you guys do when you have your, quote, ‘girl’s nights’?’ Tony raised an eyebrow at the friends.

‘Yes. Don’t judge us. It’s good bonding time,’ Anna said.

‘That’s true,’ Tony said, bringing the tub of deliciousness back down to Tris’ level, giving her a smirk.

‘Bonding time with eachother? Or with Ben and Jerry?’ Tony added.

‘Ben and Jerry,’ Tris mumbled with a wink. ‘I’m sorry, Tone. I’m cheating on you with Jerry. Ben is with Anna. You’re not really a third wheel. You’re a fifth wheel,’ Tris said, a grin escaping her lips as she spoke mockingly.

‘Oh, I see how it is,’ Tony said, giving Tris a tickle on her ribs.

‘Don’t you dare!’ Tris squealed. Anna caught on, tickling Tris as well.

‘Noooo!’ Tris cried as Tony and Anna tickled her relentlessly.

The movie they were watching was completely insignificant—they were just having fun together, the three of them, the hassles of real life being drowned out completely by their laughter.

Tony racked his brain, trying to think about the point where their happiness ended; but Tony couldn’t think of any specific event that ruined their relationship. He couldn’t pin point an exact moment that made Tris want to end their yearlong bond—it just kind of happened. Out of the blue. A shell shock to Tony’s heart.

They never really ever had a big fight. In fact, Tony reflected on his relationship with Tris, realizing that the entire course of it was one, big ‘honeymoon phase’. Maybe this was their big fight, their big relationship tester, Tony thought positively. They could get through this!

Tony snapped out of his thoughts as he entered Anna’s neighborhood. He smiled, again, the thought of Tris’ smile when they spent Saturday evenings here together floating to his mind, again. All he really wanted to see her smile, to feel her heart beat against his again.

Tony parked on the street in front of Anna’s house. It was a small, cute home—it used to belong to Anna’s parents, and she grew up in it, but when they died, she inherited everything. Tony took a deep breath, and then he walked up the short pathway to her front door, his heart practically beating out of his chest. It was like his heart was trying to reach out, to escape, to try and reconnect with its other half—its other half that had inhabited itself in Tris’ chest.

Tony knocked lightly. The hollow sound rang in his ears.

A minute passed. Tony felt like he was on the verge of passing out himself when Anna didn’t answer the door.

“Anna?” Tony called, knocking on the door a little harder than before. He stood there for a few more minutes, figuring that maybe he caught her at a bad time. Except, last time he talked to Anna, she was working out of her house, designing shirts. Where could she possibly be?

Tony shook his head—obviously, Anna wasn’t home. She wasn’t a hermit, unlike me, Tony thought. It was late in the afternoon—she was probably out to lunch or running errands or something. Except, Tony still felt panicked for some reason. He couldn’t shake it out of his head that Anna was ignoring him.

He decided to try knocking one more time, this time, peering through the little window directly adjacent to the door, cupping his hands over his squinting eyes to try to see if any lights were on.

“Oh,” Tony said, dumbfounded. When Tony peeked into her house, he realized something was missing. Not just something—a lot of things. The little living room that you normally see when you walk into her house didn’t look much like a living room with the lack of couches and missing television.

Tony furrowed his eyebrows, looking into the little window. After staring for a few moments, he noticed how bare and empty Anna’s house was—no books in the bookshelf that didn’t exist anymore, no pictures on the wall, no scattered personal items lying around the house (Anna was a messy person), and not a single light on.

Tony finally came to the conclusion that Anna didn’t live there anymore. He stepped back curiously, knitting his eyebrows again and frowning. Did Tris actually get Anna to leave with her?

More determined than ever, Tony walked away from the house and knocked on a neighboring one. To his relief, someone answered the door almost immediately.

“Hello?” a middle aged man answered, staring at Tony intently.

“Hi, sorry to bother you, sir, but I just had a question about your neighbor, if that’s alright?” Tony asked nervously, not particularly enjoying the man’s stare.

“Go on,” the man said, his tone bored and lazy.

“Well, um, did she move?” Tony asked, twiddling his thumbs slightly as he spoke, but making sure he made eye contact with the stranger—trying to be as polite and assertive as possible. This man seemed like a tightly strung man, already, and Tony wanted a straight answer.

And a straight answer he received. “Yes.”

“Er, when did she move? And do you know where she went?” Tony asked.

“A few weeks ago, I guess,” the man said, continuing to stare right through Tony. About the same time Tris left me, Tony connected. “And do I look like the kind of person who affiliates with my neighbor’s whereabouts?” the man snapped. Wide-eyed, Tony took a step back.

“Um, I guess not,” he mumbled awkwardly. “I’ll be going now. Thanks,” Tony said, darting off of the man’s porch. Tony could feel his eyes burning into the back of Tony’s skull, and Tony didn’t relax until he heard the door slam shut.

“Jesus,” Tony hissed. People can be so rude. Dissatisfied with the information he got from that neighbor, Tony decided to move on to another—the house on the other side of Anna’s.

Even more nervous than before, Tony knocked.

“Hi, there,” a woman answered this time.

“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, miss, but I just had a question,” Tony explained. The woman smiled broadly at Tony, nodding at him to continue.

“Um, do you know where your neighbor,” Tony motioned towards Anna’s house, “moved to?”

“Aw, Anna? I was quite fond of that girl. She moved to Poway just a few weeks ago. I think she was going with her friend,” the woman said. Tony nodded, seeing that his previous speculations were correct. Anna moved away with Tris.

“Did she not sell her house?” Tony asked curiously, noticing that there was no For Sale or Sold sign in her lawn.

“No, she wanted to keep it a little longer. It was her parents, you know. But she also wanted to get out of San Diego for a while, too. I’m not sure when she’s coming back, though,” she said.

“Oh. Sounds like you knew her pretty well,” Tony commented.

“Yes. She’s a sweet girl. She always helped me with bringing my groceries up, as cliché as that sounds, it’s true,” the woman giggled.

Tony nodded. “That’s nice of her,” Tony said.

“Yes, very nice. I hope you find what you’re looking for,” the woman said, eying Tony carefully before suddenly closing the door. Tony stood there blankly for a moment, confused with the woman’s assumption that Tony was looking for something. I guess I look and sound pretty obvious, Tony thought.

Just then, Tony shivered when he felt cold pellets of water hit him—it was beginning to rain. Tony jogged back to his car, sighing once he sunk back into his seat, raindrops dripping off of his hair and nose.

Poway, California. The name sounded familiar to Tony.

“Vic? Yeah, it’s me, Tony,” Tony called Vic on his phone.

“What’s up? How are things?” Vic asked curiously, putting down his guitar as he excused himself from his band to talk on the phone. He, Jaime, and Mike were having their first band practice—it wasn’t going great, but it wasn’t going terribly either. They had a lot to work out before they were ready to play a big show together, and Vic found that playing the guitar by himself was a lot more difficult than he thought it would be.

“Um, not so good,” Tony began. “Apparently, Anna moved to Poway. So I think I’m going to drive there now, which is why I’m calling. I might be late,” Tony explained.

Vic nodded, but then he realized that Tony couldn’t see that through the phone. “Oh, okay,” he said verbally. “There’s a storm picking up, so just be careful, alright?”

“Of course,” Tony said, appreciating Vic’s concern.

“Okay. See you later, man. Good luck,” Vic said genuinely.

“Thanks a lot. See ya,” Tony said, hanging up the phone.

He sighed, putting his car into gear and began the thirty minute drive to Poway. Poway. The name ringed a bell, finally—that was Tris’ hometown! Of course, Tony thought. Of course Tris would want to reconnect with her home! Tony smiled at himself, positive that this was the case.

As he drove, he turned on his radio, kind of wishing that he had his friend’s CD to listen to. He really liked A Flair For The Dramatic, a lot, and he couldn’t wait to hear more from Pierce the Veil.

Tony drove cautiously, the rain creating a thick blanket in the sky, making it difficult to see. Tony always hated storms, and he especially hated driving in them.

Slowly but surely, Tony made his way into Poway, unsure where to go next. He had no idea where Anna lived here, so he made his way to a phone book, feeling more like a stalker as he hoped to find her name listed—which it was.

Tony figured out where he had to go, and, within minutes, he arrived. His heart started beating frantically in his chest as he walked up to the front door. Take two, he thought.

He brought his hand to the wood, ready to knock, but when he went through the motions, his fist didn't meet the door. Instead, his hand whiffed through the thick and moist air.

Confused at first as to how he could possible miss the door, Tony realized that it was because it was open.

“Tony,” Anna said quietly. “Lisa—the neighbor I assume you talked to—called and said I should be expecting you.”

Tony stared at Anna for a moment, his pulse throbbing in his neck, wrists, and chest. He searched her face—trying to detect any form of emotion—but he found nothing. Anna wasn’t going to give Tris away that easily, he supposed.

“Hello, Anna.”

Notes