I Guess I Never Should Have Loved You

“Hi, baby,” Tony knelt down in the soft, squishy grass, the soil making his knees sink in and dirtying up his khaki skinny jeans. “I forgive you,” Tony said lowly. He refused to let his voice break as he spoke to the marble plaque that sat in the ground. He traced it with his fingertips, the stone cool from the autumn breeze. He leant down and kissed her name, as if it were her lips.

“I miss you,” Tony said, sitting back on his heels as he sighed. “But I think you’re happier where you are. You have Anna now, too,” Tony said—although the thought sounded morbid, Tony tried to sound cheerful about that fact.

Tony had gotten a call three days after he found out about Tris’ suicide—Anna’s neighbor had noticed Anna’s absence, and went to her house to investigate, finding Anna dead on the floor, a bullet up through her chin and out the top of her head. The police were involved, and they found Tris’ letters to both Anna and Tony—Tony’s full name was on his letter, so they decided to call him. Tony was shocked at first, to say the least, losing another person to suicide, especially because he knew that she had done it the second he drove away…

He tried not to dwell on it, though—he knew that there was nothing that he could have done to stop her. Tony knew he was just an unlucky person, investing his heart with a dangerous host. But he didn’t regret anything—the year he spent with Tris was an amazing one, through the good times and the bad times. He wouldn’t change it for the world. Deep down, Tony knew their time would be limited, so he was glad he was able to enjoy it while he could.

“You ready?” Tony looked up to see Vic looking down on him sadly, holding his arm out for Tony. Tony nodded—yes, he was ready. He gripped Vic’s hand and pulled himself up, and then he brushed off his pants.

“Thanks,” Tony mumbled.

Vic smiled sympathetically at Tony.

“Time to practice?” Tony asked before Vic could say something to try and console Tony. Tony didn’t need consoling—he’s had enough of that.

“Time to practice,” Vic repeated positively with a smile. The boys left the cemetery—Tony was saying his goodbye before the men left for their very first tour as a complete band. They were only participating in the tour for ten days, but given that this was their first tour, they were pleased to have the spot.

As they drove back to Vic and Mike’s house, Vic’s thoughts flickered to when he walked in on Tony almost killing himself. If Vic had hesitated for a second, if Vic hadn’t of followed Tony to his house immediately after he ran away, he would have been too late, and Tony would have bled out on his bathroom floor. Somehow, Vic had talked Tony off of the ledge—Vic just had a way with words that could solve any problem.

And now, here they were, two months later—late September—getting ready to go on a tour together. Vic had replaced Tony’s sharp utensil with a guitar. Tony had found serenity in music, and he strummed away his sadness.

And, it turned out that Tony was rather good at the instrument. So Vic devised a plan. He knew that Tony was hurting badly—Vic couldn’t imagine what Tony was feeling when Tony found out that his love was dead the whole time—but Vic also knew how much being in a band would help him. It took some persuasion, but Vic, Mike, and Jaime were able to convince Tony to join them on their single Warped date.

And Tony agreed—it was a win for everyone. Tony escaped his thoughts and filtered his feelings through the music, and the band was bettered now that Vic wasn’t the only guitarist. It all just fit perfectly.

Vic knew that Tony was at the lowest of his lows, but he also knew that they had nowhere else to go but up. Tony was at the bottom of the latter emotionally wise, while the other boys and the band as a whole were at the bottom of the latter fame wise, and, together, they would rise up.

Tony was still quiet and soft spoken, but at least he had his band mates. They were his best friends, his family. Tony was incredibly close to them, and, even though he didn’t say much in public, there was a reason for it. Despite being shy and not as outgoing as, let’s say, Jaime, Tony still had a fun side—a side that was really unleashed when he was with his band mates. They were his rock, his saving grace, the only people in his life who really understood his story. They weren’t the only people in his life—Tony had caring fans, now—but the boys were the only ones who truly knew Tony’s story with Tris—Tony’s tragic love story.

Tony continued to shred on his guitar with Pierce the Veil, hoping that Tris would hear him, or even come back to him. Despite knowing the impossibility of such an outcome, Tony never lost hope. Hope burned in his chest—it was a fire that nobody could put out. He knew that she heard him; no matter where she was, she heard him.

He loved her, after all. Tony knew that loving Tris was a bad thing, but he would love her forever. Tony loved Tris forever because he knew that she loved him, too, and that’s all that really mattered in the end.

‘I guess I never should have loved you, but I do forever ‘cause you loved me.’

Notes