Wake me up and let me know you're alive

I've been trying to hold on these last couple of days but it seems like my depression is getting worse and I can't take it anymore. We passed thanks giving I skipped the food because I don't eat anymore and when I do I purge. I can't hold on till December 19th. Its December 1st. I knew tonight was the night I was going to kill my self. I had Jaime's, Mike's, Tony's and Vic's letter all ready written, That's what I've been working on lately. I decided to add "Take what ever of mine you want, and keep it." to each of their letters. In the back yard there was a big tree under that tree I dug a hole which I put a box in which holds the letters to keep them hidden from them until I put them out for them to find. I went to the basement and acted like it was the last time I'd ever see Tony. I don't think he understood why I was hugging him a lot. We talked about how much he missed the real me and how he misses the days where I was happy. We talked about lyrics and music and all the fun things we should do, even though he doesn't know that tonight's the night, I was going to end my life. I visited Jaime on Monday and acted like it was the last night ever that I would see him while I'm still around. He heard about me being depressed and he wishes the best for me to get better. I spent time with Mike yesterday and he told me about him and his girlfriend fighting. I really do they stop fighting Mike doesn't deserve it. I added a couple other things to the letters after I was done talking to Tony. Then I hid them and went to Vic's room. I knocked quietly, he opened the door. "Hey.." He said looking depressed. Vic hasn't been coming out of his room lately. He stopped singing, he has been quiet lately. I don't know why. I mean he still is sort of his normal self just besides the coming out of his room. Last night they practiced I was happy because last night was the last night I'd see them practice in the basement. I was going to miss it but I can't do this anymore. He let me in his room and shut the door. I looked down then he hugged me tightly embracing me and I cried. "I'm sorry.." "Don't be sorry. I'm sorry I'm not here for you. I want to be. Chloey I love you. He pulled me on the bed and kissed my lips and held me again. Rocking back and fourth crying. I held on to him tightly and cried into his chest. Knowing this is the last night I'd touch him, kiss him, or hug him. I missed him, I love him. I kissed him softly on the cheek. I sat in his embrace for a long time and then I got up. He kissed once more and I walked out putting my head down. I looked at the time I sat in the back yard anxiously my hands shaking, I got out the rope and tied the noose and then got the pills. I knew where I was going to hang my self. In the garage. I checked in the basement and made sure Tony was gone and then checked on Vic. I grabbed the letters and placed them on the kitchen table with their names individually on the envelopes. I grabbed a chair some water the pills and the noose I tied. I went to the garage and tied the rope on this heavy duty light fixture in the garage. I stepped on the chair and put the noose around my neck. I had the pills in my hand and water in the other. I popped 2 pills at a time in my mouth until I felt numb and sick. I then stepped off the chair kicking it down. I started losing air and then everything went black... I'm free now, I am gone from all the pain and sickness. I've lost everything, the saddest part is when you're losing your self. Letting people take over your life. Making awesome friends then pushing them away, Staying at their house and ignoring them. I'm finally gone...


Tony's POV

"MIKE GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!" Amber yelled "WHAT DID I DO YOU ARE THE ONE SCREWING OTHER MEN ON THE COUCH I BOUGHT YOU BECAUSE I CARED ABOUT YOU!" Mike yelled at her backing up out of her house. "FUCK YOU MIKE WE'RE OVER!" She yelled I heard her slam the door. He called me to go pick him up and I got my keys out of my pocket and then got in to my car and I drove off. He called me when she was still yelling at him. I listened to some Bring me the horizon on the way home. "Don't go." I really liked bring me the horizon, the worked really hard on their lyrics, I can't wait for warped tour with them they are really awesome dudes and their lyrics have so much meaning in them I feel like its a competition with our music and lyrics between their lyrics and music, But its cool. I sang along with the lyrics.
"I was raised in the valley, there were shadows and death.
Got out alive but with scars I can't forget.
This kid back in school, subdued and shy.
An orphan and a brother and unseen by most eyes.
I don't know what it was that made a piece of him die,
Took a boy to the forest, slaughtered him with a scythe.
Stamped on his face, an impression in the dirt.
Do you think the silence makes a good man convert?

We all have our horrors and our demons to fight.
But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed?
They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers around my throat.
Is this what I get for the choices that I made?
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything.
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, God forgive me.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go.
Don't go.

If I let you in, you'd just want out.
If I tell you the truth, you'd fight for a lie.
If I spilt my guts, it would make a mess we can't clean up.
If you follow me, you will only get lost.
If you try to get closer, we'll only lose touch.
But you already know too much, and you're not going anywhere.

Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.
Tell me that you love me 'cause I need you so much.
Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.
Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Don't go (you're not alone)
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go."

The song always skipped the other 11 don't go's when I played it off my phone in the hook up to the stereo. Then I turned off the radio because I was almost home. I picked him up and we sat in silence, and then we started talking about warped tour and how we couldn't wait for it and how it will be our third time sharing the stage with All time low and Bring me the horizon and all the other awesome bands that play at warped. We finally arrived. I parked for Mike to get out, He went through the front door. I opened the garage and the light came on. I saw a rope tied to the light and followed it down with my eyes and saw a body hanging and a chair knocked down, a cup shattered on the floor and pill bottles and pills all around the floor. It was Chloey. "CHLOEY NO!!" I pulled the keys quickly out of my car and slammed the door loudly I ran over to where her limp body was hanging from the fixture. I took the noose off from off of her neck, You could see that it imprinted the skin. I held her limp body crying. I yelled as loud as I could for Vic and Mike to come out. "VIC!! MIKE!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I heard shuffling feet walking around "Where are you?!" they yelled. "IN THE GARAGE ITS CHLOEY!!" I yelled in between the cries. I heard running to the garage door they flung it open. "NO CHLOEY!!" Mike yelled running over to her. Grabbing her and putting her into his arms crying "Don't go Chloey Don't go!" he cried. Vic stood there in shock, looking paralyzed. "No Mike, No this can't be happening. Tell me this is a dream please." Vic pleaded walking over to him. Mike handed her to me and stood up looking pissed off. "No Vic this isn't a FUCKING dream okay?!? She is dead She hung her self she is now gone Vic." "No.. no this isn't happening This isn't true. WAKE UP!" He screamed pounding his head with his fists. Mike got up and grabbed his hands and looked at him in the eyes, "Vic this isn't a dream okay, this is real life you are awake and seeing all of this. We need to cal 911 she needs us." Mike said. I was crying so hard. I lost Chloey I loved her, even though I knew I could never have her ever. She had Vic and Vic had her now they're all alone with no one. Choley is dead and Vic is still here wondering why? Why did she do this. It's my fault. If she was here Vic wouldn't be like this. I know how he will act.. I think I do anyways... Her dead body lays limp in my arms and her blood ran cold, Sadly she was freezing her skin cold. I took my jacket off and wrapped her up in it. I held her crying. Mike dialed 911 and told them what happened. Vic told Jaime to hurry and come here as fast as he could. We brought Chloey inside and laid her on the couch. Mike went back to the garage but didn't move anything just in case the paramedics wanted to see what happened, he went and locked the car and left the garage door open for them to come right in because he told them to on the phone. Jaime got here and ran in from the garage "Whats happening?!" He asked. Mike, Vic and I turned around and looked at him, he noticed our eyes, seeing that we've been crying. Then he noticed Chloey. "Oh no.. no no.." He said. He slowly walked over to where Chloey lays. He took her hand and said something. "This is why you wanted to hang out with me.. That is why you acted like it was the last time you would ever see me." Jaime said quietly then cried. The paramedics came running in and put her on a gurney and tried to make her breathe then they lifted the gurney up and brought it up into the ambulance. They let 2 people in the ambulance I couldn't do it again. I could not ride in the back of the ambulance. Knowing some one is dying. Vic and Mike went Jaime and I drove there in my car. Don't go was on repeat now and I played it. I was crying on the way there so was Jaime.

Notes

Sorry its really long. I am probably going to update again tonight due to the fact I cant use the computer until My sister in law gets back from Hawaii and I most likely wont be able to use the other computer, but I could try writing on my phone. I'm sorry its depressing now but its how I think don't judge meh! D': But thanks for reading and subscribing let me know what ya' think