I woke up and immediately started to cry.

“It’s okay, Vic. Don’t cry,” Mike said, squeezing my hand. “Are you in pain?”

I thought about that for a moment. Well, my head hurt like hell. But my heart and my conscience hurt even more.

I shook my head, anyway. “I’m so sorry, Mikey,” I cried.

“Shh, it’s okay, Vic. You don’t need to be sorry,” he said softly. I opened my eyes to look at him; my vision was blurry because of the tears, but I could see that he was crying, too.

“I was selfish,” I managed to choke out as my sobs became debilitating.

“No, no, no,” he objected. I cringed from the words. No, no, no… one of the last things I heard before Spence was taken…I started to cry harder, my emotions suddenly unraveling all at once.

“Vic, please,” Mike said. His voice was broken. I was the reason he was hurting.

“Why am I so selfish?” I moaned.

“You’re not, Vic! You are the most selfless person I know. You had a moment of weakness, but you’re okay, now,” he soothed.

Weakness. I didn’t just have a moment of weakness; I was always weak. Everything inside of me was weak. Overtime the weakness infected every cavity of my body until I was forced to be selfish in the most potentially permanent way possible: suicide.

And what did Mike mean about me being okay, now? I wasn’t okay. I was far from okay. I guess he meant that in the terms of me being alive.

I hated the idea of living, but I knew I had to. I had to pick myself up for the sake of my brother, the band, and the fans who, despite everything, looked up to me.

“I promised her I would never try this again,” I said more to myself, but I think Mike heard.

“Promised who?”

“Spencer,” I finally said after building up courage to say her name. I haven’t been able to say her name in so long; it hurt too much. “I saw her, Mikey,” I said, my voice cracking again and fresh tears beginning to burn in my eyes.

“I know,” he said calmly.

I tilted my head to the side (rather painfully) in confusion. “After you were induced, your vitals went crazy. You had some sort of attack and you were really, really unstable,” he explained quietly.

My breathing hitched. “And you had to see that…” I assumed quietly. He nodded sadly. I hated that he had to see me like that. I was so pathetic, and he didn’t deserve it.

“I let her down once, but I won’t ever let her down again,” I said, referring to my almost-suicide. “And I will also never let you down again, Mikey,” I added.

“For now on, no matter how terrible or weak I feel, I will continue living,” I said, knitting my eyebrows as I spoke. “I won’t ever be selfish again,” I said with determination.

“Vic, the past two years you have been so selfless. I don’t know what you’re talking about; you lived for helping fans,” he said, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I guess, but it all built up inside of me, and now I’m here. I won’t ever let myself get to this point again,” I said, nodding as if agreeing with myself. “I promise.”

Mike chuckled lightly. “I don’t know where all of this,” he waved his hands in a gesturing manner at me, “is coming from, but I’m happy to see you trying,” he said.

“I want to try, Mikey,” I said sadly. “I hate myself for hurting you guys when I was being selfish. But I hate myself for wanting to be happy with out Spence,” I admitted.

“Vic, you are allowed to be happy with out her,” he said softly.

“I know. It’s just hard. She told me herself that she wants me happy, too…” I shook my head. Everything just seemed impossible.

“It’s human nature to be a little selfish sometimes, Vic. I thought that you, of all people, would know that the best,” he said.

I laughed. “What’s so funny?” Mike asked.

“It's ironic. Death really woke me up,” I said. And it was true. Before, all I wanted was to die. And then I spent some time with Spencer again, and I felt more resolved. And now I want to try and live again.

If not for me, then for my family, friends, and fans.

Notes

Ew, sorry it's so short :( YAY FOR FILLERS

I didn't have a lot of time to write today because jonas brothers lol


and holy asdflkashg aslkdf tomorrow house party tickets go on sale im so nervous omfg
like do general admission tickets sell out fast?? because i need those omg

i sound like a brat