“How are you feeling?” Tony asked kindly. I shrugged my shoulders. My head was throbbing, but it’s been over a week since my… accident… Yeah, let’s call it that.


“I’m fine,” I snapped, probably a little too sharply. I was sick of people asking how I was. Obviously I was not okay, but I didn’t need everyone breathing down my necks about it. I felt shitty inside, but I promised Spencer and my brother that I was never going to try to kill myself, again. There was a reason why I didn’t die that day; there was a reason why I was still living. I didn’t know what that reason was, but considering the fact that I was still alive despite trying to send a bullet through my head meant something.



Tony scowled and turned away. A pang of guilt stabbed my chest; Tony has been nothing but nice to me for the entire time I have known him, yet here I was, pushing him away. He was going through something, but I was unsure as to what that was. He seemed fine around Jaime and Mike, but he was always looking at me funny. I couldn’t detect what those looks meant, though. Sadness? Most likely. Anger? I saw a bit of that in there, too. His eyes always looked tired and he barely talked to me anymore. I guessed I deserved it. I deserved everything bad that has ever happened to me.


My head wound was a slow healing one, but that was expected with the circumstance of my injury. Not only was I lucky to be alive, I was also lucky to be able to think, speak, and act properly. Somebody upstairs had really taken care of me, and I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that that someone was a special girl that I used to hold hands with.


Ah, here we go. Spencer was in my mind again. I tried, I really did… I tried my best to let her go, but I just couldn’t see another girl again. No other girl could begin to compare to Spence. No body else had her perfect complexion. Nobody else had her piercing blue eyes that stared right into my soul. No body carried her petite mouth or soft lips, the way the corners of her mouth could curl up into a sweet smile or a sexy smirk. I couldn’t imagine myself running my hands through any one else’s but her lush, brown hair. Nobody else had her soft, pale skin, her beautiful sleeve of tattoos… No other girl could ever stand out in my mind like Spencer. Despite her wishes for me to find someone new to be happy with, I just could not honor that wish. At least, for now. It just seemed like an impossible feat for many reasons. The main reason being that I was afraid.


I was afraid to fall in love again.


I was afraid that if I fell in love, I would lose her again. I mean, it’s happened before.


Life teased me. It handed me a beautiful girl that I didn't deserve in the slightest and then ripped her away when I started to fall. And when I fell, I fell hard. Life liked to tear up the ground from underneath me, so I just fell and fell and fell… there was just nobody there to catch me, because life took them away.


But I was also afraid to fall in love again because I felt like that would make me lose Spencer even more. What would happen if I met a new girl and loved her “forever”? Forever meant after death, too. “Until death do us part…” No, I couldn’t do that to Spencer. I couldn’t do that to another girl, either. I couldn’t make that promise because I knew exactly where I wanted to be after death, and that would be in the arms of Spencer. So if I tried to create a new forever with someone new, it wouldn’t feel right. I almost felt like I was cheating…


I shook the complicated thoughts out of my head. Thinking like this was going to drive me insane…


“No! Don’t you fucking dare!” my head shot up when I heard a very angry sounding Mike burst through the door. I raised my eyebrow at him.


“No, you listen to me you little…” Mike didn’t finish his sentence, and I could sense anger boiling in his veins.


“Dude?” I asked, sitting nervously on the couch. Unfortunately, that was all I could do these days: sit on the couch. My head felt like lead every time I tried to walk around (How ironic, really. The lead bullet feels like it still exists in my skull).

He turned his head abruptly, making eye contact with me. “Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” he said, his voice laced with anger.


“Er, okay?” I knitted my eyebrows. “What’s going on, man?” I asked.


Mike shook his head. “It’s nothing, don’t worry,” he said. He put on a calmer façade, but I could read right through it.


“Mike, fucking tell me,” I growled.


He shook his head again. “You asked for it…” he warned. I shot him a look.


“Fine. You know the trial? And our good-for-nothing­ lawyer?” he spat, and I now realized that he was on the phone. Probably with our lawyer.


“Um,” was all I managed to say. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew it wasn’t good. Dissimilar to popular belief, going to court was an extremely long process. And when I mean extremely long, I mean it in the terms that we still have yet to get justice for Spencer. The two “helpers” were in jail, but apparently convicting Carlos, the ring leader of her god damned kidnapping, had several implications regarding the “incident”. I didn’t understand it because she was being held in his fucking house, but because he wasn’t present at the time of her… murder… and she was… dead… and couldn’t testify, it was hard to convict him. I personally believed it was bullshit. All of it was bullshit. Everything was fucking bullshit.


“He’s trying to make a goddamned plea-bargain or deal or some lawyer shit I don’t understand with Carlos!” Mike said angrily. Anger boiled through my veins, as well. No.


“Carlos does not get a fucking deal. No fucking way. Spencer didn’t have a deal, or options, or a choice. Why should he?” I spat. Mike nodded in agreement. I sighed, holding my head in my hands. It was hurting with all of this stress.


“Hell no!” Mike yelled into the phone at something our lawyer must have said.


“He said that Carlos covered his tracks well. He claims that he rented the fucking house out to the other two lunatics and had no way of knowing what was going on in the house. And he can’t link him to the crime at all,” Mike exclaimed.


“No!” I yelled, probably too loud. My head began to throb. “He did this. That fucking bastard,” I mumbled. I hated criminals. I especially hated criminals who were sneaky and could slither around the law easily. Like Carlos. Like Drew Sanders. I shivered.


“So what does the deal say?” I asked reluctantly.


Mike shook his head. “Something about pleading guilty for the charge of assault, which is only a year in jail. If we don’t do that, then there’s a chance he could go free,” Mike said.


“To hell with that! Keep him in court on this! He’s guilty!” I yelled again. Tears burned my eyes. God damn it.


Mike shook his head for the fourth time this afternoon. “I don’t know, man. The way he’s describing it makes it sound like he has a good chance of going free,” he said.


“No,” I said firmly. Mike nodded.


“Okay,” he said. He knew I was right. “No deal. No fucking deal,” Mike spat into the phone. “How dare you…” his voice trailed off as he walked to a different room to continue yelling angrily at our lawyer who had the audacity to ask us for a deal.


I sighed. Everything was just crumbling to pieces right before my eyes. Right amongst me. I felt like four walls were closing in on me, and I could hardly breathe. I needed air. I needed space.


I stood up and slipped on some old Vans that were by the door, walking outside. The cool San Diego breeze rushed past me when I opened the door. The air tasted like salt, and the sky was turning a nice shade of pink.


I needed to go for a walk. I needed to clear my clouded head. I made my way to the beach, walking close to the water where the sand was firm. I let the sound of the waves crashing dance in my head, washing out all thoughts. The vastness of the ocean gave me all of the space I so desired for.


Life really was an asshole, though. It took people away, fucked your heart and mind up, created complicated situations all at once…


I sighed. If I wasn’t thinking about my plethora of problems, I was thinking about the way life was to blame. But really it was all me. I was at fault. I was just too selfish. I still was too selfish, even after professing to Mike that I would never be selfish again. I was so pathetic; I put on a selfless appearance, making sure I help others over me. I guess that was why I snapped at Tony earlier; I didn’t want to be asked about myself; I didn’t want to be the center of attention. But even that desire made me selfish, didn’t it?


God damn it, there goes my brain again. Thinking. I needed to stop thinking.


What was a good way to stop thinking?


No, no, no, no, no, no, Vic, bad idea… I mentally cursed at myself when the image of an old friend sparkled in my mind… a shiny, reflective piece of metal that I have not used in at least ten years… but those feelings were coming back, again. I was actually surprised that they hadn’t resurfaced sooner; I didn’t even consider self-harm the past two years despite everything. I had just immediately jumped to suicide.


But since suicide was out of the question, now, the thought of a blade running across my skin was not that bad…


No, no, no, no, no, Vic. Stop that, I scolded myself again. I couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t be selfish.


But you are selfish, Vic. Don’t you want to stop thinking for just a little while?


I shook my head aggressively, crying out in pain as I did so. My head fucking hurt.


Spencer would be so disappointed in me.


Another thought occurred to me, and I was sad that I hadn’t thought of it earlier.


Music. Of course. Music made my mind go numb. I smiled at myself, glad that I finally thought of a solution.


I continued to walk down the beach, singing quietly to myself.


“Fine; Maybe I’ll pretend right now, but I swear to God, I’m gonna change the world.
And I promise you someday we’ll tell ourselves, ‘Oh my God, this is paradise!’”


I continued to hum along, getting lost in the music. My only escape.


Until I nearly tripped over a mass on the ground.


“Fuck,” I muttered at the irony. There for a moment I was happy, but then life came along and kicked me back down. Literally. I rubbed my head painfully as the jolt of falling gave me a headache. God, Vic, why are you so weak?


I sighed, standing up again and ignoring the nagging voice in my head. Yeah, yeah, I was weak. Nothing new there.


I looked down to see what I had tripped over, and I gasped in horror.


“Holy fucking shit,” I muttered breathlessly as I looked down at the girl lying motionless in the sand. She was small and drenched in water. Seaweed was tangled in her hair, and her skin looked coarse with sand. I felt my stomach go up to my throat as I looked at her… the image of Spencer lying dead with a bullet through her head flickered in my head, and tears suddenly sprung out of my eyes.


No, no, no, no, Vic, I yelled at myself in my head. I couldn’t cry here.


I wasn’t going to let the same thing happen to this girl here. She still had a pulse, and I intended to keep it that way.


I wiped my tears away along with all thoughts concerning myself. I couldn’t save Spencer, but I sure as hell was going to save this girl.

Notes

Eh, not my best I think.
Not a lot of interaction, just a lot of thinking. Damn, it's so annoying how easy it is to over think and over analyze, and that is what Vic is struggling with in this chapter I guess.

And then the little curve ball at the end. Random, it seems? But it ain't. I think I know where I am going with this hahah


don't forget to comment, rate, subscribe and all that fun stuff :) i like to hear what you think but also give me suggestions please! What do you want to see?



*****smoothly adds in that i purchased PTV tickets today and i'm trying very hard not to FREAK THE FUCK OUT OMFG*****

ps thanks to scarlett for crossing everything for me :) check out her story a million kisses underwater (Fuentits) you may or may not cry but it is beautiful