The Tour Life Of Adriana Perry
I'm Fine But I'm Breaking
3:36am. I had still yet to sleep. I couldn't settle tonight, too many thoughts whizzed through my mind. Throwing the duvet off me for felt like the millionth time tonight I headed downstairs. Why was I going downstairs? I haven't a clue. I quietly wandered through the living area and into the kitchen. “What are you doing up?”
“Ow. Fuck. What?” James groaned as his head came out of the fridge. I laughed a bit before grabbing a bottle of water, my smokes and heading out the back. Outside I noticed just how peaceful it was round here at night. Only the soft sounds of the night, no cars, no shouting, no nothing. Lighting up a smoke, I sat down. I had to figure out how to tell James I had lost our baby. How do you even bring that up in a normal conversation? I put my head back, staring at the night sky hoping some help would just appear on how to deal with all this stuff right now. Well, I knew of one way to cope but I couldn't possibly turn back to all that. Not now that I had my daughter to think about.
I could feel him watching me from the door, but I didn't turn around. I was too busy staring at the sky. The way the stars twinkled, the way the moon looked a disturbing yet peaceful colour. Just me, my smokes and the sky. Not a care in the world right now. I wondered if mom and dad were up there, looking down on me together with proud smiles on their faces. I don't understand why they would be proud of me, I messed up the tour, I messed up most of my life but that was the past right? You couldn't keep hold of the past. All that mattered was here and now. The present.
“You should get some sleep.” I turned to face James.
“I'm alright here.” I sighed, turning my attention back to the night sky. I heard him sigh and sit next to me. He placed a hand on my thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. I didn't move, I didn't push him away. I just continued thinking about everything in my life. I opened my mouth to speak, but decided against it. I didn't want to disturb the quiet. After another hour I decided to go back inside. I spotted the time. 5:45am. Well that's no sleep for me.
I headed back upstairs, grabbing a towel from my room and heading into the bathroom. I turned the shower on, letting it get hot while I stripped down. I climbed in, leaning against the cold wall. My head fell, my eyes stung. I lost all control of my emotions as the tears started, I kept a hand over my mouth to muffle the sounds. I was blaming myself for the loss of my unborn child. I was blaming myself that James had cheated, that Kellin had gone off the rails again.
I felt my body sink to the floor of the shower. My body shook from the sobs that were taking over my body. The hot water cascading down, taking my tears with it. Taking all my sins, all my problems with it. I was slowly breaking again, this time I didn't know if I wanted to stop it. It wasn't long till I managed to find some inner strength to finish up in the shower. I climbed out, wrapping the towel tightly round me. Walking out the bathroom, I collided with someone. I looked up to see a mass of messy black hair. “Morning..” I muttered.
“I thought I heard someone.” I was avoiding eye contact. My eyes were red from all the crying I had just done and I didn't want anyone to know I had, had a breakdown. But it was too late, he noticed. He didn't even care that I was dripping, he pulled me into a hug. I just stood there while he hugged me, I suddenly became numb and lost. I eventually pulled away and headed into my room. Closing the door, I locked it. I didn't like being disturbed right now. I still had too many emotions and thoughts. With a heavy sigh I threw on my underwear, a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. I put my hair up in a messy bun and left it at that. I didn't feel the need to make any form of effort today.
As I stared at my reflection I remembered what today was. I left my room and went back outside for another quick smoke. I was glad I did. “Hey, can we change plans?”
“Morning sugar, sure. Weekend?” she smiled. I nodded, just as she went back inside. I finished up my cigarette quickly and wandered back in. James was now up, so was Bianca. I gave them both smile as I sat down, I pulled out a card and a present from the cupboard where my feet where. “Happy Birthday baby girl.”
“Thanks mommy.” my little girl grinned at me. Oh today was my little girls birthday. 5 years old. But today was also the worst day of my life, it has been for the past 5 years despite Bianca being born on this day.
It wasn't long till my uncles arrived. They sat around almost as quiet as me. I said goodbye to Bianca as she went to school. “How you feeling?” Vic spoke first.
“Rubbish. I didn't sleep at all. What time are we leaving?”
“When James gets back.” Vic placed a hand on my shoulder. I could feel the emotion building up again. The tears pooling in my eyes, threatening to spill over. My head dropped, a tear slipped. I hated this time of year. Kellin soon joined us, he knew exactly what today was. I was thankful he was here as well as the others. James soon arrived back and off we went.
The drive was quiet. I didn't want to speak. I couldn't speak in fear of breaking down. I stared out the window aimlessly as I held James' hand. Weird huh? Just yesterday we argued, threw things at each other, but now we were fine. The day I needed him the most and he was here supporting me through this. The car came to a halt. I looked up, seeing the old house that my grand-parents had occupied.
“Give me a minute.” I whispered as Jaime opened the car door. My eyes didn't leave the house. I hated coming here, as much as I loved my grand-parents I hated it here. I slowly got out the car, my eyes not averting from the building. James followed me out, his arm resting round my back. I took a deep breath and walked up. I didn't need to dress properly yet, thank the lord. That would be soon and no doubt my dress that I wore every year for this, would still be here. In my old room.
The front door opened, there stood my mom's parents. Granny Marquez came running to me, her arms tightly wrapping round me as I wrapped mine round her. I hadn't seen them in so long. My grandfather, moms dad, came over hugging me as well. We walked inside after a few minutes, getting more hugs from Dad's side. I sat myself up on the counter in the kitchen after meeting everyone.
“Here, have this.” Mike's voice snapped me back from reality. I looked at the glass that was half full with whiskey.
“I can't.” I muttered my reply.
“I know you, you know. Go on, it'll help.” I took it from him, quickly drinking it in one go. I shudder a little as it went down, warming me up. He also passed me a cigarette and a lighter.
I walked into the kitchen, dad was stood making breakfast. “Morning sweetheart.” he smiled at me.
“Go away.” I groaned, sliding onto one of the seats.
“I love you too Ads.” I looked up at him. A small smile on my lips.
I sighed, too many memories. “Remember the first time you cursed in front of him?”
“Yeah, grounded me for a month and cancelled my phone.” I laughed a little. “He went bat shit at me in front of you all. Like Adriana Sierra Perry do not use that fucking language in my presence.”
“Then you told him off for cursing.” I couldn't help but laugh when I remembered. Each time I came here, me and my Uncle Mike would do this. Sit in the kitchen, reminding each other of everything that happened between me and dad.
***
I stumbled out the church unable to take anymore. Every year it's the same. They all drag it up. Making it more difficult every year to deal with it. I flopped against the stone wall, searching for my cigarettes. I threw my bag down on the floor. I hated this feeling, the numbness that came from when I heard them words.
He didn't make it.
“You should be here, not up in the sky. God dammit dad, why?” I shouted in frustration. I picked up my bag and went. I just took the car and drove. I switched my phone off completely. I wanted no distractions. James would pick Bianca up with Jaime and I would be left alone.
He didn't make it.
I drove faster, more dangerously as I tried to make them words vanish. This was suppose to be a happy day. Every year I ruin my daughters birthday because of this. Because of this charade that everyone insists we do every year to keep his memory alive.
He didn't make it.
I slammed the breaks on, coming to a sudden halt. The cars behind me blasting their horns. My head fell into my hands as my tears made my body shake. Someone knocked on my window, causing me to jump. I let it down. “Miss, please move over.” I nodded, quickly doing what he said. I glanced to my left.
A pub. Fantastic.
I climbed out, locking the car and heading inside. One drink won't hurt. Only it didn't stop with one drink. Before I knew it, I was stumbling out the pub trying to get into my car. I gave up, sitting on the pavement beside my car. I pulled my phone out, switching it on and dialling the first number that came to mind.
“I need help Uncle Mike....I ne--....” I hung up. My head spun, the whole world seemed to rush by me. I felt emotionless now, but alive. I slowly tried to help myself up before attempting to get into the drivers side again. I kept hitting the car, trying to make it open.
The keys were took from me. I turned to see Mike stood there. He helped me back onto the pavement. Standing there with open arms, I happily allowed him to hug me while I hugged him back. All emotion came back, the tears came. I didn't want to feel this pain anymore, I wanted to be able to let him rest.
***
“Where did you find her?” I heard a voice say.
“Usual place. She was worse than ever this time.” I let out a groan as my eyes fluttered open. I sat up, realising were I was. Back home. Not my old family home. No, back at my home.
“Where's Bianca?” My throat was dry, my voice croaked.
“At Ben's. Honey, you need to stop this.” Vic's voice. I sighed. Looking down at my hands. I knew what he meant. I remembered everything. “It's tough but he wouldn't want to see you like this.”
“I'm sorry.” I whispered. I say it every year, but every year I still do it. I got myself upstairs, showered and changed just in time for Bianca to run through the door. I gave her a big hug. Kissing her forehead. I mouthed a thank you to James who nodded and smiled at me. I didn't want to let go of her, I wanted to protect her from the world. She was my happiness.
But inside; I was screaming and breaking.
“Ow. Fuck. What?” James groaned as his head came out of the fridge. I laughed a bit before grabbing a bottle of water, my smokes and heading out the back. Outside I noticed just how peaceful it was round here at night. Only the soft sounds of the night, no cars, no shouting, no nothing. Lighting up a smoke, I sat down. I had to figure out how to tell James I had lost our baby. How do you even bring that up in a normal conversation? I put my head back, staring at the night sky hoping some help would just appear on how to deal with all this stuff right now. Well, I knew of one way to cope but I couldn't possibly turn back to all that. Not now that I had my daughter to think about.
I could feel him watching me from the door, but I didn't turn around. I was too busy staring at the sky. The way the stars twinkled, the way the moon looked a disturbing yet peaceful colour. Just me, my smokes and the sky. Not a care in the world right now. I wondered if mom and dad were up there, looking down on me together with proud smiles on their faces. I don't understand why they would be proud of me, I messed up the tour, I messed up most of my life but that was the past right? You couldn't keep hold of the past. All that mattered was here and now. The present.
“You should get some sleep.” I turned to face James.
“I'm alright here.” I sighed, turning my attention back to the night sky. I heard him sigh and sit next to me. He placed a hand on my thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. I didn't move, I didn't push him away. I just continued thinking about everything in my life. I opened my mouth to speak, but decided against it. I didn't want to disturb the quiet. After another hour I decided to go back inside. I spotted the time. 5:45am. Well that's no sleep for me.
I headed back upstairs, grabbing a towel from my room and heading into the bathroom. I turned the shower on, letting it get hot while I stripped down. I climbed in, leaning against the cold wall. My head fell, my eyes stung. I lost all control of my emotions as the tears started, I kept a hand over my mouth to muffle the sounds. I was blaming myself for the loss of my unborn child. I was blaming myself that James had cheated, that Kellin had gone off the rails again.
I felt my body sink to the floor of the shower. My body shook from the sobs that were taking over my body. The hot water cascading down, taking my tears with it. Taking all my sins, all my problems with it. I was slowly breaking again, this time I didn't know if I wanted to stop it. It wasn't long till I managed to find some inner strength to finish up in the shower. I climbed out, wrapping the towel tightly round me. Walking out the bathroom, I collided with someone. I looked up to see a mass of messy black hair. “Morning..” I muttered.
“I thought I heard someone.” I was avoiding eye contact. My eyes were red from all the crying I had just done and I didn't want anyone to know I had, had a breakdown. But it was too late, he noticed. He didn't even care that I was dripping, he pulled me into a hug. I just stood there while he hugged me, I suddenly became numb and lost. I eventually pulled away and headed into my room. Closing the door, I locked it. I didn't like being disturbed right now. I still had too many emotions and thoughts. With a heavy sigh I threw on my underwear, a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. I put my hair up in a messy bun and left it at that. I didn't feel the need to make any form of effort today.
As I stared at my reflection I remembered what today was. I left my room and went back outside for another quick smoke. I was glad I did. “Hey, can we change plans?”
“Morning sugar, sure. Weekend?” she smiled. I nodded, just as she went back inside. I finished up my cigarette quickly and wandered back in. James was now up, so was Bianca. I gave them both smile as I sat down, I pulled out a card and a present from the cupboard where my feet where. “Happy Birthday baby girl.”
“Thanks mommy.” my little girl grinned at me. Oh today was my little girls birthday. 5 years old. But today was also the worst day of my life, it has been for the past 5 years despite Bianca being born on this day.
It wasn't long till my uncles arrived. They sat around almost as quiet as me. I said goodbye to Bianca as she went to school. “How you feeling?” Vic spoke first.
“Rubbish. I didn't sleep at all. What time are we leaving?”
“When James gets back.” Vic placed a hand on my shoulder. I could feel the emotion building up again. The tears pooling in my eyes, threatening to spill over. My head dropped, a tear slipped. I hated this time of year. Kellin soon joined us, he knew exactly what today was. I was thankful he was here as well as the others. James soon arrived back and off we went.
The drive was quiet. I didn't want to speak. I couldn't speak in fear of breaking down. I stared out the window aimlessly as I held James' hand. Weird huh? Just yesterday we argued, threw things at each other, but now we were fine. The day I needed him the most and he was here supporting me through this. The car came to a halt. I looked up, seeing the old house that my grand-parents had occupied.
“Give me a minute.” I whispered as Jaime opened the car door. My eyes didn't leave the house. I hated coming here, as much as I loved my grand-parents I hated it here. I slowly got out the car, my eyes not averting from the building. James followed me out, his arm resting round my back. I took a deep breath and walked up. I didn't need to dress properly yet, thank the lord. That would be soon and no doubt my dress that I wore every year for this, would still be here. In my old room.
The front door opened, there stood my mom's parents. Granny Marquez came running to me, her arms tightly wrapping round me as I wrapped mine round her. I hadn't seen them in so long. My grandfather, moms dad, came over hugging me as well. We walked inside after a few minutes, getting more hugs from Dad's side. I sat myself up on the counter in the kitchen after meeting everyone.
“Here, have this.” Mike's voice snapped me back from reality. I looked at the glass that was half full with whiskey.
“I can't.” I muttered my reply.
“I know you, you know. Go on, it'll help.” I took it from him, quickly drinking it in one go. I shudder a little as it went down, warming me up. He also passed me a cigarette and a lighter.
I walked into the kitchen, dad was stood making breakfast. “Morning sweetheart.” he smiled at me.
“Go away.” I groaned, sliding onto one of the seats.
“I love you too Ads.” I looked up at him. A small smile on my lips.
I sighed, too many memories. “Remember the first time you cursed in front of him?”
“Yeah, grounded me for a month and cancelled my phone.” I laughed a little. “He went bat shit at me in front of you all. Like Adriana Sierra Perry do not use that fucking language in my presence.”
“Then you told him off for cursing.” I couldn't help but laugh when I remembered. Each time I came here, me and my Uncle Mike would do this. Sit in the kitchen, reminding each other of everything that happened between me and dad.
***
I stumbled out the church unable to take anymore. Every year it's the same. They all drag it up. Making it more difficult every year to deal with it. I flopped against the stone wall, searching for my cigarettes. I threw my bag down on the floor. I hated this feeling, the numbness that came from when I heard them words.
He didn't make it.
“You should be here, not up in the sky. God dammit dad, why?” I shouted in frustration. I picked up my bag and went. I just took the car and drove. I switched my phone off completely. I wanted no distractions. James would pick Bianca up with Jaime and I would be left alone.
He didn't make it.
I drove faster, more dangerously as I tried to make them words vanish. This was suppose to be a happy day. Every year I ruin my daughters birthday because of this. Because of this charade that everyone insists we do every year to keep his memory alive.
He didn't make it.
I slammed the breaks on, coming to a sudden halt. The cars behind me blasting their horns. My head fell into my hands as my tears made my body shake. Someone knocked on my window, causing me to jump. I let it down. “Miss, please move over.” I nodded, quickly doing what he said. I glanced to my left.
A pub. Fantastic.
I climbed out, locking the car and heading inside. One drink won't hurt. Only it didn't stop with one drink. Before I knew it, I was stumbling out the pub trying to get into my car. I gave up, sitting on the pavement beside my car. I pulled my phone out, switching it on and dialling the first number that came to mind.
“I need help Uncle Mike....I ne--....” I hung up. My head spun, the whole world seemed to rush by me. I felt emotionless now, but alive. I slowly tried to help myself up before attempting to get into the drivers side again. I kept hitting the car, trying to make it open.
The keys were took from me. I turned to see Mike stood there. He helped me back onto the pavement. Standing there with open arms, I happily allowed him to hug me while I hugged him back. All emotion came back, the tears came. I didn't want to feel this pain anymore, I wanted to be able to let him rest.
***
“Where did you find her?” I heard a voice say.
“Usual place. She was worse than ever this time.” I let out a groan as my eyes fluttered open. I sat up, realising were I was. Back home. Not my old family home. No, back at my home.
“Where's Bianca?” My throat was dry, my voice croaked.
“At Ben's. Honey, you need to stop this.” Vic's voice. I sighed. Looking down at my hands. I knew what he meant. I remembered everything. “It's tough but he wouldn't want to see you like this.”
“I'm sorry.” I whispered. I say it every year, but every year I still do it. I got myself upstairs, showered and changed just in time for Bianca to run through the door. I gave her a big hug. Kissing her forehead. I mouthed a thank you to James who nodded and smiled at me. I didn't want to let go of her, I wanted to protect her from the world. She was my happiness.
But inside; I was screaming and breaking.
10/16/13