A Million Kisses Underwater
Now Our Lips Are Numb As We Walk Sharing Warm Alcohol
"You have to eat, Vic" Jaime sets the tray on the coffee table, I don't even look at him, I just keep my head turned towards the window, letting my gaze penetrate the glass, even though I'm not really focusing on what I can see. "Come on buddy, its been three days and you haven't eaten anything" I imagine his face full of concern and anguish but I don't turn to look, I don't want to see that disappointment all over his face, I was the strong one, I was the optimistic one, I was the rock. Was.
"You're wasting your time, Jaime" my voice is a broken whisper, almost inaudiable unless you are purposely waiting to hear it.
"I'm not leaving until you eat something dude" I look at him and he folds his arms across his chest to emphasise that he's serious, his usual goofy smile isn't present and his eyes are cold "I can stand here all day" he shrugs, I scoff, knowing he can't stay in the same place all day, this is Jaime for god sake "Try me!" He snaps. I glare at him, wishing he'd just leave so I can wallow away into nothing. If only looks could kill.
"He won't eat, I don't know, he sits there all day and then all night too, he doesn't move, he doesn't sleep, he hasn't fucking showered in days. Not to be insensitive to what actually matters but its gross" fuck, I hate when people talk about me like I'm not within earshot of the conversation
"I'll talk to him" I think Tony says, how long has he been here?
"Get the fuck up" Tony's voice startles me from my depressing thoughts, I didn't even hear him enter the room. His tone catches me of guard, Tony is always gentle and kind.
"What?" I reply
"You heard me, get the fuck up now" woah, I stay still for a few seconds wondering what to say or what to do, he never acts like this, its actually intimidating, I stand up.
"Now what?" I reply dryly still not in the mood for anything.
"You're going to snap the fuck out of this. I know you hurt but Mike hurts too and your Mom, hell even me and Jaime hurt, he treat us like his own, you know" his words hit me hard, smack, right in the face like a ton of bricks, I swallow hard and rub my hands over my face
"I'm sorry, Tone. I just don't know how to hold it together when I'm around other people, not the way you guys do" I put my head in my hands and exhale resigned
"Everyone is convinced you just need time on your own to heal, but I know you're in a downward spiral and I can't sit back and watch that happen, dude" I manage a smile, he cares, of course he cares he's Tony, he's known for caring but still it manages to bring the first smile to my face in days.
I walk over to him and hug him tight
"Thank you, Tony, you're right. I'm sorry" he hugs back and tells me its okay. And I don't believe him but I smile anyway.
"Hi Mom" I walk into the kitchen after taking Tony's advice and not letting myself slip into a downward spiral, my mom smiles warmly at my presence but the smile doesn't reach her eyes and I realise how selfish I've been, my mom has just lost the love of her life, her painter, and I've been so selfish only thinking of myself
"It's good to see you off of that couch, Victor" and she comes over and gives me a hug, a proper mother-son hug and it really does make me feel better.
"Where's Mike?" I ask
"He's with Jaime in the RV" Tony replies pointing to the front yard where the RV is still park - wait, what? We still have the RV? I guess with all the commotion we haven't given it back yet, its not very high on our list of priorities right know.
I head out to the RV and when I enter Mike is sat at one of the tables with his arm round a girl, they're talking animatedly and drinking spirits from the bottle - looking at Mike right now, you wouldn't know his Dad had just died, but as his brother I know this is his coping mechanism: alcohol, meaningless sex and weed. My heart hurts for him, nothing could drive me to the bottle the way it does with him. Of course drinking drowns it out, but there's a fine line between me and Mike, he drinks until he can't even walk, I drink until my head doesn't roar with sadness anymore. Mike leans in to kiss the girl and I decide to go find Jaime.
I head down the isle from the front of the bus towards the back where the bunks we used to sleep in are and I hear someone moaning, I keep walking "Jaime?" No reply, another moan, as I approach the bunks I immediately regret deciding to find Jaime, his pants are at his ankles, along with his underwear, a girl has her legs wrapped around his waist, leant against the wood that makes our bunks. Her hands are in his hair and she's moaning really loud. Fuck. I turn around and head out, fuck this.
In a way I envy Mike and Jaime, I wish I could take the pain away with meaningless sex with a girl with no name, but its not that easy for me, the only thing that takes everything away for me is making music, but I can't even do that without hurting anymore.
If you were gonna leave this world how could it be without me?
I head out into the San Diego night, the air is warm but I pull my jacket tighter around me because the chill is internal, its inside me in the most unsatisfying way.
My phone beeps and I reluctantly check who the unwanted texter is
*Hi, you kind of ran out so quickly the other day, something was definitely wrong. So I just wanted to check that you're okay*
It's from Hazel, damn, I was pretty shitty to her earlier. I text back quickly
*Hi, thanks for caring, but I'm fine* I stuff my phone back into my pocket and take off my beanie, throwing it on the pavement and continuing to walk on without it. Everything is so dark, I hate it all.
*I smell bullshit. Want to meet up?* I take out my phone and read her reply. I think of the way she's always smiling, as if pain can't touch her, as if nothing negative could ever harm her, I guess her happiness is what I need right now, maybe its contagious?
*Mikes POV*
One girl hops off the bus - another hops on.
It's been like this for the past three days
Life's an endless party right?
I kiss her neck while she's telling me a story, willing her to shut up. She giggles but continues with her story, I'm not really listening, I do that a lot, zone out and stop listening, with only one thing on my mind - forgetting. And only one way to do it - sex.
I begin to unbutton her blouse, her voice is high pitched in my ear and I wince from the sound but continue my mission. She doesn't stop me but she looks at me like she'd rather I actually listened to her, jeez girls and their constant need for telling everyone everything that pops into their plastic little minds.
I flash her my winning smile and I almost see love hearts in her eyes, she lunges at me, crushing her lips to mine almost brutally, she unbuttons my jeans, keeping her eyes on mine as she does - teasing me.
"Oh my god, mmmm" she moans in my ear. Usually girls moans boost my ego and make me feel cocky, but right now I just wanted to tell her to pipe the fuck down.
"Oh Mike!" She almost screams tipping her head back and arching her back, she rolls her hips up to meet mine and claws at the sheets (that are already messed from my previous fuck) usually this is the part where I'd smile at the fact I'm driving her wild, but I feel numb, I don't feel that usual euphoria or enthusiasm, in all honesty I just want to get it over with.
My head is so loud. I bring my lips back to hers in order to wipe out every sharp edged thought. She moans against my lips.
"Mike!" She screams my name as she climaxes and I'm not long after her. She smiles up at me, perspiration decorating her clear complexion, I nod and get up, pulling up my pants and putting my shirt back on. I toss her clothes over to her.
"Time to go" I mutter and she sits up, letting the blanket pool in her lap
"Seriously?" She says confused and I shrug
"Yeah? What you want to stay? Want all the hearts and flowers, me to cook you breakfast in the morning, tell you you're beautiful?" I snap, scoffing a little
"No but..." She looks down towards her lap and bites her lip, I feel no sympathy for her. I don't feel full stop.
"But what?" I press
"Nothing" she shakes her head and begins getting dressed. I shrug and put on my shades, turning for the door and letting the tears begin to fall.
I pass Jaime and some girl having sex on my way off of the RV and I silently wonder if that makes him feel complete like it used to make me feel or if it just adds to the negative bullshit that's already inside his head, like it does with me now.
I finally exit off of the RV and contemplate going back in the house and to bed but I don't want to have to keep up appearances for my mom so I decide on a walk in the dark. I pull a cigarette from the carton in my pocket and put it between my lips, lighting it slowly the tears are still falling, I wipe my nose and take the longest drag from the cigarette, holding the smoke in my mouth for longer than usual. I finally exhale and wish that all my bad thoughts would come out with the smoke, but of course, where does wishing get you?
*Vic's POV*
I'm sat on the curb with my legs crossed, rolling my dads lucky coin between my fingers. He took this coin everywhere. Yeah lucky my ass.
A car pulls up beside me and I don't even bother to look at the driver. In a very small but very twisted part of my brain I wish for someone to just grab me of the street, take me somewhere abandoned and beat the shit out of me, or even worse, kill me. The physical pain would hurt less than emotional pain anyway.
"Hey stranger" a familiar voice chirps to me and just the sheer cheerfulness of her voice makes me smile. It's a weak smile but a smile no less.
"Hi" I say looking up, knowing my eyes are filled with tears and not caring.
"Hop in, you look like you could use a hug" she smiles kindly and I oblige and slide in the passenger seat.
"So, what's wrong?" She asks, her words slurring a little from the thirteen consecutive shots of tequila. We're still sat in the same spot she pulled up and saw me at.
"Nothing" I sigh keeping my eyes on the windshield
"Liar!" She shouts and hits my arm playfully, she then burst out into a fit of giggles, I shake my head at her but with a big smile on my face. "Okay, so we're going to play a drinking game, mkay?" She smiles a toothy grin at me and I agree. "Okay so I ask a question and you answer honestly if I think you're lying you have to do a shot. And then the same rules apply when you ask me a question too"
I shrug and nod "Sounds easy enough. Go" I smile, she's actually distracting me from the horrible thoughts.
"So what's wrong?" She starts, oh no, I realize what I've done. She's drunk, not stupid, and now I have to answer honestly.
"My dad died" I say after a long pause
"Oh..." Was all she said, yes oh in-fucking-deed. "You hurt?" it's a statement but she says it like a question and I wipe a tear from my cheek.
"It will be okay" she whispers and my stomach churns at her words, why does everyone say that? How could this ever be OH-KAY? I mentally roll my eyes.
"Everything broken can be put back together. You lose someone who means everything to you and a part of you gets lost with them, you ache and you hurt but then slowly you heal. You stop crying over the fact they never did anything to deserve such terrible circumstances, you stop getting upset over the fact you didn't get to say goodbye and your last words to them weren't all that epic, and that you didn't know they were even going to be your last words to them. You celebrate their life and the way things felt right when they were around, the way their laugh was too high pitched to suit them or the way they always fucked up when trying to cook breakfast. I don't know, it just takes a great deal of time and a whole lot of patience" her eyelids are heavy and I smile at her words, for once something someone has said has actually made me feel better.
And you can tell by the way her smile never leaves her face that she genuinely believes what she's said.
Drunken honesty, I like that.
"Wow." Was all I could manage to say.
"Come on, I'll walk you home" I say, knowing she can't drive in her drunken state.
"Burttt what about my carrrrr" she slurs
"I'll drive it to you tomorrow morning" I smile, quite drunk myself and quite...happy?
Her house is only a couple of blocks away from mine, she has that cliché white picket fence in the yard and I smile at how predictable this girl is. We stumble up to her door, giggling like teenagers.
"Thank you for the pep talk" I put my hand on her shoulder
"Anytime Viccccc. You deserve to be happy you know" she almost yells, the alcohol making her not realize how loud her voice is and I laugh and shhhh her
"Thanks. You're fascinating, Hazel" I speak honestly, maybe its the alcohol or maybe I've just bottled way too much up "How are you always so happy?" I cant my head to the side in serious amazement. She giggles and brings her face up close to mine so I can feel her breath on my lips
"People show you as much as they want to show you" she whispers, looking terrifyingly serious into my eyes and then she smiles pressing her lips to mine.
It's brief, too brief. But it's also amazing.
Then she stumbles into her house without another word, not even a backwards glance.
"You're wasting your time, Jaime" my voice is a broken whisper, almost inaudiable unless you are purposely waiting to hear it.
"I'm not leaving until you eat something dude" I look at him and he folds his arms across his chest to emphasise that he's serious, his usual goofy smile isn't present and his eyes are cold "I can stand here all day" he shrugs, I scoff, knowing he can't stay in the same place all day, this is Jaime for god sake "Try me!" He snaps. I glare at him, wishing he'd just leave so I can wallow away into nothing. If only looks could kill.
"He won't eat, I don't know, he sits there all day and then all night too, he doesn't move, he doesn't sleep, he hasn't fucking showered in days. Not to be insensitive to what actually matters but its gross" fuck, I hate when people talk about me like I'm not within earshot of the conversation
"I'll talk to him" I think Tony says, how long has he been here?
"Get the fuck up" Tony's voice startles me from my depressing thoughts, I didn't even hear him enter the room. His tone catches me of guard, Tony is always gentle and kind.
"What?" I reply
"You heard me, get the fuck up now" woah, I stay still for a few seconds wondering what to say or what to do, he never acts like this, its actually intimidating, I stand up.
"Now what?" I reply dryly still not in the mood for anything.
"You're going to snap the fuck out of this. I know you hurt but Mike hurts too and your Mom, hell even me and Jaime hurt, he treat us like his own, you know" his words hit me hard, smack, right in the face like a ton of bricks, I swallow hard and rub my hands over my face
"I'm sorry, Tone. I just don't know how to hold it together when I'm around other people, not the way you guys do" I put my head in my hands and exhale resigned
"Everyone is convinced you just need time on your own to heal, but I know you're in a downward spiral and I can't sit back and watch that happen, dude" I manage a smile, he cares, of course he cares he's Tony, he's known for caring but still it manages to bring the first smile to my face in days.
I walk over to him and hug him tight
"Thank you, Tony, you're right. I'm sorry" he hugs back and tells me its okay. And I don't believe him but I smile anyway.
"Hi Mom" I walk into the kitchen after taking Tony's advice and not letting myself slip into a downward spiral, my mom smiles warmly at my presence but the smile doesn't reach her eyes and I realise how selfish I've been, my mom has just lost the love of her life, her painter, and I've been so selfish only thinking of myself
"It's good to see you off of that couch, Victor" and she comes over and gives me a hug, a proper mother-son hug and it really does make me feel better.
"Where's Mike?" I ask
"He's with Jaime in the RV" Tony replies pointing to the front yard where the RV is still park - wait, what? We still have the RV? I guess with all the commotion we haven't given it back yet, its not very high on our list of priorities right know.
I head out to the RV and when I enter Mike is sat at one of the tables with his arm round a girl, they're talking animatedly and drinking spirits from the bottle - looking at Mike right now, you wouldn't know his Dad had just died, but as his brother I know this is his coping mechanism: alcohol, meaningless sex and weed. My heart hurts for him, nothing could drive me to the bottle the way it does with him. Of course drinking drowns it out, but there's a fine line between me and Mike, he drinks until he can't even walk, I drink until my head doesn't roar with sadness anymore. Mike leans in to kiss the girl and I decide to go find Jaime.
I head down the isle from the front of the bus towards the back where the bunks we used to sleep in are and I hear someone moaning, I keep walking "Jaime?" No reply, another moan, as I approach the bunks I immediately regret deciding to find Jaime, his pants are at his ankles, along with his underwear, a girl has her legs wrapped around his waist, leant against the wood that makes our bunks. Her hands are in his hair and she's moaning really loud. Fuck. I turn around and head out, fuck this.
In a way I envy Mike and Jaime, I wish I could take the pain away with meaningless sex with a girl with no name, but its not that easy for me, the only thing that takes everything away for me is making music, but I can't even do that without hurting anymore.
If you were gonna leave this world how could it be without me?
I head out into the San Diego night, the air is warm but I pull my jacket tighter around me because the chill is internal, its inside me in the most unsatisfying way.
My phone beeps and I reluctantly check who the unwanted texter is
*Hi, you kind of ran out so quickly the other day, something was definitely wrong. So I just wanted to check that you're okay*
It's from Hazel, damn, I was pretty shitty to her earlier. I text back quickly
*Hi, thanks for caring, but I'm fine* I stuff my phone back into my pocket and take off my beanie, throwing it on the pavement and continuing to walk on without it. Everything is so dark, I hate it all.
*I smell bullshit. Want to meet up?* I take out my phone and read her reply. I think of the way she's always smiling, as if pain can't touch her, as if nothing negative could ever harm her, I guess her happiness is what I need right now, maybe its contagious?
*Mikes POV*
One girl hops off the bus - another hops on.
It's been like this for the past three days
Life's an endless party right?
I kiss her neck while she's telling me a story, willing her to shut up. She giggles but continues with her story, I'm not really listening, I do that a lot, zone out and stop listening, with only one thing on my mind - forgetting. And only one way to do it - sex.
I begin to unbutton her blouse, her voice is high pitched in my ear and I wince from the sound but continue my mission. She doesn't stop me but she looks at me like she'd rather I actually listened to her, jeez girls and their constant need for telling everyone everything that pops into their plastic little minds.
I flash her my winning smile and I almost see love hearts in her eyes, she lunges at me, crushing her lips to mine almost brutally, she unbuttons my jeans, keeping her eyes on mine as she does - teasing me.
"Oh my god, mmmm" she moans in my ear. Usually girls moans boost my ego and make me feel cocky, but right now I just wanted to tell her to pipe the fuck down.
"Oh Mike!" She almost screams tipping her head back and arching her back, she rolls her hips up to meet mine and claws at the sheets (that are already messed from my previous fuck) usually this is the part where I'd smile at the fact I'm driving her wild, but I feel numb, I don't feel that usual euphoria or enthusiasm, in all honesty I just want to get it over with.
My head is so loud. I bring my lips back to hers in order to wipe out every sharp edged thought. She moans against my lips.
"Mike!" She screams my name as she climaxes and I'm not long after her. She smiles up at me, perspiration decorating her clear complexion, I nod and get up, pulling up my pants and putting my shirt back on. I toss her clothes over to her.
"Time to go" I mutter and she sits up, letting the blanket pool in her lap
"Seriously?" She says confused and I shrug
"Yeah? What you want to stay? Want all the hearts and flowers, me to cook you breakfast in the morning, tell you you're beautiful?" I snap, scoffing a little
"No but..." She looks down towards her lap and bites her lip, I feel no sympathy for her. I don't feel full stop.
"But what?" I press
"Nothing" she shakes her head and begins getting dressed. I shrug and put on my shades, turning for the door and letting the tears begin to fall.
I pass Jaime and some girl having sex on my way off of the RV and I silently wonder if that makes him feel complete like it used to make me feel or if it just adds to the negative bullshit that's already inside his head, like it does with me now.
I finally exit off of the RV and contemplate going back in the house and to bed but I don't want to have to keep up appearances for my mom so I decide on a walk in the dark. I pull a cigarette from the carton in my pocket and put it between my lips, lighting it slowly the tears are still falling, I wipe my nose and take the longest drag from the cigarette, holding the smoke in my mouth for longer than usual. I finally exhale and wish that all my bad thoughts would come out with the smoke, but of course, where does wishing get you?
*Vic's POV*
I'm sat on the curb with my legs crossed, rolling my dads lucky coin between my fingers. He took this coin everywhere. Yeah lucky my ass.
A car pulls up beside me and I don't even bother to look at the driver. In a very small but very twisted part of my brain I wish for someone to just grab me of the street, take me somewhere abandoned and beat the shit out of me, or even worse, kill me. The physical pain would hurt less than emotional pain anyway.
"Hey stranger" a familiar voice chirps to me and just the sheer cheerfulness of her voice makes me smile. It's a weak smile but a smile no less.
"Hi" I say looking up, knowing my eyes are filled with tears and not caring.
"Hop in, you look like you could use a hug" she smiles kindly and I oblige and slide in the passenger seat.
"So, what's wrong?" She asks, her words slurring a little from the thirteen consecutive shots of tequila. We're still sat in the same spot she pulled up and saw me at.
"Nothing" I sigh keeping my eyes on the windshield
"Liar!" She shouts and hits my arm playfully, she then burst out into a fit of giggles, I shake my head at her but with a big smile on my face. "Okay, so we're going to play a drinking game, mkay?" She smiles a toothy grin at me and I agree. "Okay so I ask a question and you answer honestly if I think you're lying you have to do a shot. And then the same rules apply when you ask me a question too"
I shrug and nod "Sounds easy enough. Go" I smile, she's actually distracting me from the horrible thoughts.
"So what's wrong?" She starts, oh no, I realize what I've done. She's drunk, not stupid, and now I have to answer honestly.
"My dad died" I say after a long pause
"Oh..." Was all she said, yes oh in-fucking-deed. "You hurt?" it's a statement but she says it like a question and I wipe a tear from my cheek.
"It will be okay" she whispers and my stomach churns at her words, why does everyone say that? How could this ever be OH-KAY? I mentally roll my eyes.
"Everything broken can be put back together. You lose someone who means everything to you and a part of you gets lost with them, you ache and you hurt but then slowly you heal. You stop crying over the fact they never did anything to deserve such terrible circumstances, you stop getting upset over the fact you didn't get to say goodbye and your last words to them weren't all that epic, and that you didn't know they were even going to be your last words to them. You celebrate their life and the way things felt right when they were around, the way their laugh was too high pitched to suit them or the way they always fucked up when trying to cook breakfast. I don't know, it just takes a great deal of time and a whole lot of patience" her eyelids are heavy and I smile at her words, for once something someone has said has actually made me feel better.
And you can tell by the way her smile never leaves her face that she genuinely believes what she's said.
Drunken honesty, I like that.
"Wow." Was all I could manage to say.
"Come on, I'll walk you home" I say, knowing she can't drive in her drunken state.
"Burttt what about my carrrrr" she slurs
"I'll drive it to you tomorrow morning" I smile, quite drunk myself and quite...happy?
Her house is only a couple of blocks away from mine, she has that cliché white picket fence in the yard and I smile at how predictable this girl is. We stumble up to her door, giggling like teenagers.
"Thank you for the pep talk" I put my hand on her shoulder
"Anytime Viccccc. You deserve to be happy you know" she almost yells, the alcohol making her not realize how loud her voice is and I laugh and shhhh her
"Thanks. You're fascinating, Hazel" I speak honestly, maybe its the alcohol or maybe I've just bottled way too much up "How are you always so happy?" I cant my head to the side in serious amazement. She giggles and brings her face up close to mine so I can feel her breath on my lips
"People show you as much as they want to show you" she whispers, looking terrifyingly serious into my eyes and then she smiles pressing her lips to mine.
It's brief, too brief. But it's also amazing.
Then she stumbles into her house without another word, not even a backwards glance.
Notes
ASDFGHJKL! :)I wrote this on my iPod while at the skatepark so sorry if its not all that great because, do you know how hard it is to write on an iPod? VERY HARD.
I hope you liked it though :)
Bit of cuteness to balance out the drama :)
Can everyone cross their fingers and toes and belly buttons for my girl Claire please? Hopefully she'll be getting Pierce The Veil tickets tomorrow!!! Keep everything crossed and hope she does okay?:)
Btw, I changed Hazel's picture, I described her with long platinum blond hair so I thought I'd find an image that kind of resembles how I described her.
I'm blabbing. Sorry!
Goodnight :)
forever never getting over this
4/22/14