Time seems to stand still.

I stand there frozen to the spot.

I keep the phone pressed against my ear. Even though I know there's no one on the other end of the phone, I wait for someone to laugh and tell me it's some kind of sick joke—but it doesn't happen.

I swallow hard.

The rational part of my brain has completely disappeared, everything seems to move in slow motion. I bring the phone down from my ear and stare at the blank screen as if it has all the answers —as if it knows how to take it all away.

This cannot be happening.

I swallow hard again, taking a deep breath and moving robotically over to...to...what's her name again?

"Are you okay?" She asks, concern etched on her face. I make some indistinguishable sound and her eyebrows furrow, in the end I settle for a nod because I can't form a coherent sentence. "You look like you're leaving...are you?" She asks and I nod again, my eyes kind of glossing over as I remember the last conversation my dad and I had

"Mom will be here soon" I check my watch—it's 3pm—I smile wide, it's Wednesday today and as soon as my mom comes to take over with keeping dad company, I can go pick up those stupid earrings—along with that beautiful girl.
"Vic why do you keep checking your watch and smiling, what's going on?"
"Oh nothing, Pap. I just met this girl and I'm going to see her again today" I smile at the thought
"Girlfriend?" He asks cocking his eyebrow at me, I shake my head no
"I've only met her twice, she's intriguing and very beautiful"
"Play guitar for her, she'll fall at your feet" he smiles at his own advice, the corners of his eyes crinkling from the action and I laugh a little—he's so naïve. If only it was that simple.
"No, I don't play guitar anymore" I shake my head, I haven't picked up my guitar since I announced our break up—I haven't sung or written lyrics either. It's too painful.
"Silly" he shakes his head and I feel guilty.

Maybe I'll pick it back up when he comes home and everything is okay.

---

"Okay, are you sure you're okay?" I snap out of my reverie and nod my head "Oh...well bye then" her ever present smile isn't on her face but I barely notice.I nod for the millionth time in the last ten minutes and turn around, walking away, feeling absolutely and irrevocably numb.

As I get out of the coffee shop I have no sense of direction, my mind is swimming with what ifs and whys. I begin to run, anywhere and nowhere. My heart is pounding and I feel like if I don't get far away I'm going to break down—someone up there's telling me you'd better not get back up—And deep down I know I won't.

Streets begin to blur, every building meshing into each other, people's faces becoming smudged like a pencil drawing you've leant your hand against. People talk but it's all a dull roar, nothing really processing in my head. I feel nauseous but thats all I feel. I'm so numb. My breathing becomes frantic as I run as fast as I can, not looking both ways as I cross the street because the last thing I fear right now is death.

I never asked for your to believe, I just asked for you to say goodbye before you leave. — letlive's lyrics enter unwelcome into my mind, there was no goodbye. None, at all. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, it wasn't supposed to be so sudden, he was supposed to be better, he was supposed to be coming home, everything was going to be okay again.

My heart begins to ache as all my emotions catch up with me—running away never did any good. I slow down and bend over catching my breath, my muscles ache and I only just realize my face is stained with tears. Breathe Vic, breathe, in and out...

I close my eyes, inhale—exhale. I'm losing hope, inhale—exhale. I'm losing faith in everything, inhale—exhale.

Why do I still pray? When will it end? And who fucking cares?

Notes

So this was pretty short, my apologies.
But I'm very exhausted and distracted so I'm lucky I was even able to write this, ha.


Feedback.


someone up there's telling me you'd better not get back up.