Mike does another shot of Jack "Shit that was hard" he mutters, putting the shot glass in front of him on the table, Tony and Jaime nod in agreement, I stay silent. I can't think right now, thinking leads to hurting and I don't want to hurt right now. Mike pushes the bottle across the table towards me, sensing my upset, I take the bottle and have a long pull on it, the whiskey burning my throat but not half as much as the pain burning my heart.
"Did you see that girl? The look on her fucking face..." I whisper staring at the label on the Jack Daniels bottle. Her words echo through my head, her hiccuping from hysterical crying, her red swollen eyes, her runny nose, it will all haunt me, forever.
"Vic, let it go. You're just torturing yourself" Tony slaps me on the shoulder in his attempt to comfort me
"Thanks Tone." I reply feeling no better than before he opened his mouth but appreciating his efforts at trying to make me feel better

---

I woke up with a severe headache—too much Jack Daniels—I thought to myself, I slip out of the bunk and head to the kitchen—I wonder if we can keep the RV? No, that would be way too painful. It'd seem kind of weird all of a sudden not living like this though, hm. I shake my head, no thinking, no feeling, not today. I bang on the wood of all the guys' bunks "Get the fuck up" I don't really know why I'm waking them, we're already in our hometown so it's not as if we have to get up to catch a flight or anything. I hear one of them groan and mutter for me to fuck off but I don't concentrate enough to know which one of them it is. I look at the table we sat at last night, four empty bottles of Jack sit on it, and one half full bottle, shit we really did drink a lot. I look at the table across from that one and there's a mass of letters just sat there, almost dancing in front of my eyes, tormenting me.

I stand and try my best to ignore it for as long as I can. Then all of a sudden my legs carry me over to the table and I sit down, it takes a few seconds for my brain to play catch up and realize where I am and what I'm doing, then I dive into the letters, tearing them open and reading intently.

Letter after letter, they all say the same thing, you saved me and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with this and I support you but I'm really hurt. My eyes water and I sign resigned rubbing my face I open another:

Dear Pierce The Veil,

You broke my heart last night.
But you also made me whole. I don't know how I'm going to handle not seeing you in any future interviews, not seeing you in near future gigs or you not bringing out any new music but I'll treasure A Flair For The Dramatic, Selfish Machines and Collide With The Sky for the rest of my whole life. I hope one day in the future, maybe five or six years from now you're in my hometown and I bump into you, just so you can see that I'm okay and that you're still saving me, even after all those years.
I hope you know I'm not angry at you guys, I'm not disappointed with you either. I support your decision even if I don't understand your reasoning (not that you've given us much of a reason) and no matter how many years go buy, I'll still be wearing your merch and supporting the band.

Lots of love and luck for whatever you decide to do next...

-The girl who face-planted the floor scrambling over the barrier.
Forever staying strong because Vic told me to. xxxx

I completely lose it, I slam the letter on the table and begin to cry. Not the most manly thing to do, I know, but that's what I do and I don't give a shit. I can't believe I have done this, this is all my fault. Fuck.

"Dude, are you crying?" Tony's voice comes from behind me, I wonder how long he's been standing there and I dread turning around and letting him see me like this but I end up doing it anyway
"Yes...no...yes" I sigh and he comes and sits down opposite me, rubbing the sleep from his eyes he spots the opened letter that I slammed on the table and picks it up beginning to read it, I wait for him to finish and when he does he puts it down gently and looks up, his eyes are glossy and his jaw is tense like he's clenching his teeth together
"Fuck" he says after what seems like a whole millennium and I nod
"Are we doing the right thing, Tony?" I ask already knowing the answer is no but needing the reassurance. The lyrics 'I'm married to the music, for better or for worse' booms in my head and it reminds me of the time we played with You Me At Six and I feel even worse
"Yeah..we gotta do what we gotta do, it'll be okay" he reassures but I'm not completely convinced

---

We are all gathered round the small wooden table in my parents' house, Mom puts some tacos in the middle of the table and everyone digs in hungrily but I don't really have an appetite right now "You know, I'm just gonna go for a walk" I say standing and gathering my headphones from the couch
"Want me to come with?" Tony offers, I shake my head no, I like walking alone.
"I'll be back soon" I kiss my Mom's cheek and plug my headphones into my iPod, as I'm just walking out the door I hear Mike say '"He's taken it extra hard"'I scoff and press play, Letlive's song Day 54 begins to blast as I head down the street.

to all my friends you’re all gonna die
and I’ll be stuck never wondering why
I ain't sad. I’m more so upset
it was such a selfish manner in which all of you left
I talked to god, he saved you some grace
not to count up all the time that you wasted
you cheated death and that’s ok
but according to his watch you were already late
to question god is to question my faith
but heaven seems like such a questionable place (it is)
but while I’m here I know I’m alive
and it hurts me to know that you’re all gonna die

I put the volume at such a high level in attempt to block out every single thought that crosses my mind, no thoughts, no feelings, not today.

I never asked for you to believe
I just asked for you to say ‘goodbye’, before you leave

That part hit a nerve and the fan from the letter words rung in my head above the music "Lots of love and luck for whatever you decide to do next..." do next—next. The world felt foreign, I'd never considered a next, I've always wanted to be in a band and that was that, now I have to think of a next, what are we going to do next?

I've walked for so long I don't even know where I am. I look up and see a jewelry shop, it's small like a boutique and if I hadn't stopped right outside it, I'd have probably missed it. I think of buying my Mom some jewelry considering she's just as butt-hurt as I am about the band breaking up. I sigh and head in turning my music down I hear the bell above the door make a little sound, it's extremely cliché but kind of cute. There's no one behind the counter so I just begin to browse the cabinets, there's some beautiful stuff but I can't choose, it's all sparkly to me, I guess I'm just looking at it all from a guys point of view. I need a female opinion.

As if on cue a girl from the back walks forward and flashes a smile at me, I return it politely
"Welcome. Can I help you?" her hair is platinum blonde and to her waist, her bangs are full over her forehead, she's wearing little to no makeup, a light dab of pink lipstick and a tiny bit of mascara, she's beautiful. I don't answer for a few minutes but she doesn't look at me like I'm crazy, she just waits patiently with a smile.
"Yeah, I just want to buy something for my mom but this all looks good to me, so"
"And you want a girls opinion?" she smiles understanding
"Yeah, exactly" I nod. And she walks over to a cabinet on the left and pulls out a bracelet. It's small and extremely sparkly, it's beautiful.
"These ones are extremely popular" she puts it on the counter top to allow me to look more closely at it "And it's selling out fast"
"It's beautiful" I say and she agrees
"I know, if I had the money I'd buy a whole bunch of them" it isn't a complaint, just a fact, her smile is still on her face—how doesn't her face ache?— she seems genuinely pleased with life and I envy her.
"I'm sure someone will buy you one someday" I say, doing my best at reassuring her (although she didn't seem to need reassurance) I try to mirror her happiness but my smile isn't genuine enough. She rolls her eyes but laughs too and her cheeks heat
"That's sweet but I doubt it" she picks up the bracelet again "So you want me to gift wrap this or?" and there's a little twinkle in her eyes.
"Sure" I nod, she immediately gets to work, putting it in a box, putting a nice pink lace bow on the box and putting it in a bag with the stores logo printed on it "You never asked how much it was" she points out, looking up from the bag while using a store logo sticker to keep the bag closed. This girl clearly didn't know who I was, the thought was rather refreshing to be honest.
"Yes...right, how much is it?" I ask although I don't really care because I know I have enough
"three thousand dollars" I force my eyes to go wide like I thought that was a lot of money, it is a lot of money of course but I acted like it'd form a huge hole in my wallet. She bites her lip waiting for me to decline or accept the amount
"That's fine" I nod after a while as if I've been contemplating it
"Okay, awesome" she smiles again—how?—and I hand over the money "Thank you for shopping here, please come again"

And I knew I would.

Notes

BOOM.

Comment, rate and subscribe.

Hope this wasn't shitty! :)