A Million Kisses Underwater
Sharpen Your Teeth and Bite As Hard As You Want
I get back to the house late, around ten pm. I've literally been walking alone all day. Talking to the girl in the jewelry store was a major distraction, I was so relieved she didn't (doesn't) know who I am. It was refreshing and different to just talk to someone normally. I enter the house and throw my backpack by the door, I'm dog tired.
"No, Vic not there" my mom points at the backpack on the floor
"Oh sorry" I reply picking it back up and pulling the strap over my shoulder.
"Have you been crying?" She tilts her head to the side and looks at me with the most love I've ever seen.
"It's so fricking hard, mom" I rub my face stressed, she knows I'm referring to more than the band. She opens her arms and I hug her tightly, welcoming her comfort
"I know baby, I hurt too" her tears begin to fall in an instant like rain the weather man never predicts, my heart feels like stone in my chest, the worst pain is seeing your mother cry. I pull out of the hug and she swipes at her face, trying to calm down. I take the small gift bag out of my backpack and hold it out for her to take it.
"For me?" I nod with a weak smile "Why?"
"I just want you to know I love you" my voice breaks but no tears come out, I've cried myself dry.
"Vic, my baby. You didn't need to end the band over this, you know that right?" Her eyes are wild with concern and hurt and my insides twist.
"I did mom. The pain is far too much." I sigh "I know the guys like the back of my hand and I know that if it was put on all of us all at once we'd break and the band would be finished anyway. It was just the best thing to do, the band breaks up, we deal with that and then we deal with the rest, it'll be easier on us, them."
She smiles kindly, it looks odd in contrast to her red, puffy eyes. "Always so thoughtful, Vic. How'd you get so thoughtful?" I shrug, knowing I inherit that trait from her, and I know she knows that too.
The house seems desolate. "Where are the guys?" I ask
"Jaime and Tony went out an hour after you, Mike is upstairs" I give her another hug and kiss her cheek and decide to head up to Mike's room for a chat, although I don't know if he's able to chat. It will depend on the quantity of Jack he's consumed.
Mike is laid on his bed on top of the covers, fully clothed, with his eyes closed. I consider waking him but I don't bother, instead I just turn the light off and turn to head out.
"Why us, Vic?" Mike whispers as I'm slowly closing the door, his voice is almost inaudible. I switch the light back on and sit on the floor beside his bed with my legs crossed and my shoulders slumped.
"I don't know dude" I sigh "Everyone has their fair share of good luck and bad luck I guess" he sits up and looks at me in disgust.
"Luck? This isn't down to fucking luck. Are you serious?" He laughs in disbelief.
"I'm sorry I'm just as hurt as you okay" I snap back
"You fucking knew though dude, you knew first, that's why you wanted to break up the band because you fucking knew" tears are forming in his eyes from anger and I feel overwhelmed with guilt "I only found out today and you already fucking knew. And I thought you finished the band because you were done with music, but you're not, it's just because of this. You're ridiculous" he has me figured out, he's right, I am ridiculous and I don't deny that.
"You're my baby brother, Mike. I was just trying to protect you" "I don't need protecting. Not from something like this" he lays back down and folds his arm over his eyes "Just get out okay, I don't want to see you right now" I know he's for real and I don't even consider staying and trying to calm him down, I just walk out and head into my own room.
I come downstairs the next morning feeling even worse than yesterday. It's as if the pain intensifies everyday as reality sinks in further. I barely slept too which makes the situation a whole lot worse.
Jaime and Tony are sitting at the table, talking normally, I sit down and they immediately stop and look at me.
"Mike told us" Tony blurts out. I don't say anything, I just stare at the table.
"We support you, Vic. We understand, we're pretty sad too in all honesty, but we understand your reason for ending pierce the veil. We didn't at first, but we do now and it's going to be okay buddy" Jaime smiles, I nod pretending to agree although the sound of our bands name makes me wince.
"Thanks guys, it means a lot" they smile at my thank you. What is it with everyone and smiling, how do they do it?
"So are you going to visit?" Tony asks warily.
"Of course, I have too...I hope Mike will forgive me and come along with me"
"I'll talk to him for you" Tony speaks just like a true friend.
"Thanks!" And in that moment I realize how nice Tony really is, of course I've known it since I first met him but he really does have the kindest heart.
My nerves pick up as I think of going to see him. What the fuck do I say?
"No, Vic not there" my mom points at the backpack on the floor
"Oh sorry" I reply picking it back up and pulling the strap over my shoulder.
"Have you been crying?" She tilts her head to the side and looks at me with the most love I've ever seen.
"It's so fricking hard, mom" I rub my face stressed, she knows I'm referring to more than the band. She opens her arms and I hug her tightly, welcoming her comfort
"I know baby, I hurt too" her tears begin to fall in an instant like rain the weather man never predicts, my heart feels like stone in my chest, the worst pain is seeing your mother cry. I pull out of the hug and she swipes at her face, trying to calm down. I take the small gift bag out of my backpack and hold it out for her to take it.
"For me?" I nod with a weak smile "Why?"
"I just want you to know I love you" my voice breaks but no tears come out, I've cried myself dry.
"Vic, my baby. You didn't need to end the band over this, you know that right?" Her eyes are wild with concern and hurt and my insides twist.
"I did mom. The pain is far too much." I sigh "I know the guys like the back of my hand and I know that if it was put on all of us all at once we'd break and the band would be finished anyway. It was just the best thing to do, the band breaks up, we deal with that and then we deal with the rest, it'll be easier on us, them."
She smiles kindly, it looks odd in contrast to her red, puffy eyes. "Always so thoughtful, Vic. How'd you get so thoughtful?" I shrug, knowing I inherit that trait from her, and I know she knows that too.
The house seems desolate. "Where are the guys?" I ask
"Jaime and Tony went out an hour after you, Mike is upstairs" I give her another hug and kiss her cheek and decide to head up to Mike's room for a chat, although I don't know if he's able to chat. It will depend on the quantity of Jack he's consumed.
Mike is laid on his bed on top of the covers, fully clothed, with his eyes closed. I consider waking him but I don't bother, instead I just turn the light off and turn to head out.
"Why us, Vic?" Mike whispers as I'm slowly closing the door, his voice is almost inaudible. I switch the light back on and sit on the floor beside his bed with my legs crossed and my shoulders slumped.
"I don't know dude" I sigh "Everyone has their fair share of good luck and bad luck I guess" he sits up and looks at me in disgust.
"Luck? This isn't down to fucking luck. Are you serious?" He laughs in disbelief.
"I'm sorry I'm just as hurt as you okay" I snap back
"You fucking knew though dude, you knew first, that's why you wanted to break up the band because you fucking knew" tears are forming in his eyes from anger and I feel overwhelmed with guilt "I only found out today and you already fucking knew. And I thought you finished the band because you were done with music, but you're not, it's just because of this. You're ridiculous" he has me figured out, he's right, I am ridiculous and I don't deny that.
"You're my baby brother, Mike. I was just trying to protect you" "I don't need protecting. Not from something like this" he lays back down and folds his arm over his eyes "Just get out okay, I don't want to see you right now" I know he's for real and I don't even consider staying and trying to calm him down, I just walk out and head into my own room.
I come downstairs the next morning feeling even worse than yesterday. It's as if the pain intensifies everyday as reality sinks in further. I barely slept too which makes the situation a whole lot worse.
Jaime and Tony are sitting at the table, talking normally, I sit down and they immediately stop and look at me.
"Mike told us" Tony blurts out. I don't say anything, I just stare at the table.
"We support you, Vic. We understand, we're pretty sad too in all honesty, but we understand your reason for ending pierce the veil. We didn't at first, but we do now and it's going to be okay buddy" Jaime smiles, I nod pretending to agree although the sound of our bands name makes me wince.
"Thanks guys, it means a lot" they smile at my thank you. What is it with everyone and smiling, how do they do it?
"So are you going to visit?" Tony asks warily.
"Of course, I have too...I hope Mike will forgive me and come along with me"
"I'll talk to him for you" Tony speaks just like a true friend.
"Thanks!" And in that moment I realize how nice Tony really is, of course I've known it since I first met him but he really does have the kindest heart.
My nerves pick up as I think of going to see him. What the fuck do I say?
Notes
Asdfghjkl. Before you go crazy crazy because you're confused, I AM BEING PURPOSELY VAGUE WHILST WRITING THIS TO BUILD UP THE ANTICIPATION! All will be revealed in due time!Be patient, young grasshoppers (:
Hope you're liking it, let me know!
Have a lovely day x
forever never getting over this
4/22/14