Can We Lose Our Minds?

(Spencer’s POV)

I looked at Vic in confusion. “Why did Jaime just leave?” I tilted my head to the side.

“I have no fucking clue…” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Did I do something wrong?” I said quietly, feeling rather hurt.

“Not at all,” he soothed, patting my arm.

“That was really weird,” Mike chimed in.

“What’s gotten in to him?” Tony frowned. “I thought everything was back to normal.”

For some irrational reason, I began to cry. I didn’t want to cry, but the tears just flowed out. I didn’t make any noise; the tears just slipped down my face quietly. I didn’t understand why Jaime just left.

The part that hurt even more, though, was his facial expression. He went all rigid and looked at me like I disgusted him. I didn’t understand. What was his problem?

“Should we try and find him?” Vic asked.

I shook my head, sighing. “It’s no use. I’ll text him, though,” I said. Whatever was going on with him, I was sure he needed time alone.

Hey, is everything okay?I typed.

Fuck off, slut.

Something snapped inside of me. My heart just exploded in my chest.

“What did he say?” the guys leaned over my shoulder to see.

I sat there, unmoving, while they looked at the phone.

“What the fuck…” Vic’s face contorted in anger.

I screamed, throwing my phone at the wall. It shattered immediately, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. Jaime’s words were unjustifiable, unprecedented. I didn’t care what was going through his skull; I knew that I didn’t deserve those words. I slammed my fists into the ground, and a sharp pain ran up my wrists when my fists met the hard ground.

“Damn it!” I cried.

Vic held me back as I continued to cry. I was completely submissive into his arms. I wasn't calm, but I was no longer violent.

“He’s such an asshole,” Tony growled next to me.

I tried to replay the last twenty minutes in my head, trying to think of what could have possibly set him off…

We arrived to the house, hand-in-hand… Mike gave us a hug… no harm there… we followed Vic down to the basement… he played us the song… I gave him a hug…

What could have possibly triggered him? Was he mad about the song? Was he angry that Vic had called it “our” song? That made no sense. The Jaime I knew wouldn’t be angry with that. He wasn’t in my head; he wasn’t there when Vic and I fought Death together. Nobody would ever understand what we went through. We hardly understood it ourselves. All we knew was that something connected our minds or souls or whatever while we both were struggling to live. And the song—the music, rather—saved us, for what we knew. Vic had sang the song in our, let’s call it, “dream”, and then we woke up. It was impossible, but it happened. So, fuck what Jaime thinks. That song was important to me and Vic, so it was ours. It was the difference between life and death.

I had officially ran out of tears, so I just sat there, clenching my fists and furrowing my eyebrows.

“I’ll text him,” Vic said. He wrote: Jaime, are you alright?

That seemed reasonable, enough.

Within seconds, he got an answer: Are you fucking kidding me? And to think I ever considered you a best friend. Fuck off. You and that whore.

Let the waterworks begin, again. A whole new form of anger and sadness morphed inside of me. I have never felt so angry and sad at the same time. Vic’s eyes were lined with tears, but he looked more pissed off than anything.

“I’m going to kick his ass,” Mike muttered.

“What is his problem?” I wailed. I have never felt so hurt in my life, especially because it was caused by someone who I loved… someone who I thought loved me back.

“I’m going to try talking to him,” Tony said, gritting his teeth.

“No, Tony, just leave it alone. He can go fuck himself,” I said angrily.

“You don’t mean that, Spence,” Vic said nicely, rubbing my back.

“But I do,” I began to cry again. I buried my face in my hands. “I don’t know what I did wrong!”

My phone buzzed. I walked over to my phone, glad to see that it was still usable. The shattered screen was annoying, but I could see that I had another text from Jaime.

By the way, bitch, don’t bother trying to come home tonight. I won’t let you in.

“What is it?” Mike asked.

My blood boiled while my heart broke. “What is happening?” I cried rhetorically to myself. I tossed them my phone so they could read the message.

“That’s fucked up,” Tony muttered.

“The least he could do is explain himself,” Mike said. But I didn’t want to hear an explanation. If he could easily throw those terrible words at me, I didn’t care what his reasoning was. If he was that much of a child to say things like that without talking to me seriously about what was bothering him, then I didn’t want to hear from him.

I felt like a piece of my heart had been smashed off with a hammer, and the flames of anger temporarily filled the resulting hole.

“I’ve never seen Jaime act like this before,” Vic mumbled.

I shook my head. This was becoming to be too much to handle. Jaime had never been like this before, yet he acted like that to me? So, I brought out the beast in him? Fabulous.

“It’s okay, Spencer,” Vic tried to sooth me, but that wasn’t possible. I never knew that a heart could break so many times in a row.

I heard Vic growl when his phone buzzed again.

“What did he say?” I leaned over to peek at his phone, but he hid it.

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” he said, flashing a smile. I knew it was a fake smile, though, because it didn’t spread to his eyes.

“Vic, show me,” I said, gritting my teeth.

“No, Spencer, it’s not important,” he said.

“Vic,” I said severely. “Show me that damn text message,” I said. I gave him an “I’m not messing around” look.

He shook his head, and then he slowly handed me the phone.

It read: You and Spencer can fuck in your own house. She’s not welcome back.

“What the fuck,” I intended to say that angrily, but my voice came out quiet and small. Vic put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off.

“Spencer, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into him…” he said.

I shook my head. My eyes were burning, overflowing with tears. “Everything was going so good…” I said, my voice breaking. I stood up. “I need to be alone,” I said.

“No, Spencer,” all three of them said, and, before I could walk away, three hands were on my arm. I shook them all off.

“Yes,” I said. “Please leave me alone; I promise I won’t do anything stupid,” I said. I knew that was what they were worried about.

The nodded, letting me go. I turned away, walking up the stairs. I snickered to myself; that was a lie, obviously.

My chest felt like it had been stabbed repeatedly. The worst part of it was that the person I thought I loved was the one stabbing me. The pain would hurt much less if I didn’t love him… but I did… Whatever happened to us needing each other? Why would he say those things to me? Why would he make me feel so worthless? I was not a slut. I’ve slept with two guys in my entire life: one was a mistake, the other was Jaime.

But Jaime apparently didn’t respect me.

How can I respect myself if the person I lived for didn’t even respect me?

I stumbled into Vic’s bathroom. I hated to see that he still had old razors stashed in one of his drawers; I hoped that he hasn’t used them in a while. It would break my heart knowing that he returned to them…

I took out the biggest one, toying it around with my fingertips.

Maybe this was a little extreme; I had three other boys down stairs that clearly respected me… but maybe that didn’t matter to me. I was blinded by my tears, blinded by my love…

I looked into the razor, speaking to it as if it could somehow channel my words to Jaime. What is wrong with you? What are you running away from? What are you afraid of? Why would you do this to me? Drew Sanders is dead, we were all happy, finally… Is there something still scaring you?

I sighed, realizing how stupid I was being. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Slice, slice, slice.

The blood began to flow almost immediately. I cut again, deeper and deeper… Here’s my heart, Jaime… Again and again and again… Let the emotions drain away with your blood… Cut, cut, cut… Empty yourself of everything, submit your soul to the Devil…

Everything was fading fast. Dark thoughts continued to swarm my mind, and flashes of my worst nightmares danced in my brain… There was Drew Sanders again… he sent terror through my almost-empty veins. But standing next to Drew Sanders was Jaime Preciado, and they were holding hands. They were a team…

Red. Red everywhere.

Red was all I saw.

I heard nothing.

I didn't hear the sound of fists colliding with the door next to me… I felt it. The tremors shook my body… they kept my heart momentarily beating.

But then my heart slowed, despite the increased pace of the pounding on the door. My heart rate was decreasing…

There was a rush of cool air, and the pounding on the door stopped.

But so did my heart.

Notes