Carlee POV

I sat there in the shower just thinking. I couldn't help it, my mind started to wander. And once it did that, there is no going back. I was completely breaking down, something I felt like I haven't done in awhile. I fell to the floor of the shower and started crying. I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest while I sobbed uncontrollably. I thought about everything.

Your grandma is dead and it's your fault. You're a fucking terrible person. You killed her. Everything that has happened to you.. you deserved it. All of it. You deserved having every person you love taken away from you. You deserve everyone hating you. You deserved being raped. You deserve the cuts on your wrist. You deserve the hate you feel for yourself. You deserve having your brother taken away from you. He didn't deserve it, but you did. You killed him. You never showed him you loved him. You never showed him that you cared. You didn't show your grandma that, either. You told her you hated her. Do you realize how bad that killed her? You're nothing but a worthless, waste of space. You're better off dead. You don't deserve Vic. You don't deserve his kindness. You don't deserve his love. He deserves much better than you. He deserves someone who isn't fucked up in the head like you. And you really think he loves you anyways? He just feels bad for you.

The voice kept echoing in my head, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't shake it from my thoughts. I stood up and picked up some body wash and began washing myself. I wanted to wash all these thoughts away.. I only wish that doing it this way would work. I washed my hair and decided I would get out. I was still thinking bad thoughts and I needed to get away from them.. I turned off the water and climbed out of the shower, wrapping a towel around me. I sat down on the toilet and let myself dry off a bit. I kept thinking though..

Everyone hates you. Even you hate yourself. You are so pathetic, why are you even still here? Do everyone a favor. Kill yourself. End it all here and now.

"Fuck you!" I yelled back at myself. I started hitting my head to get rid of the thoughts. I repeatedly punched myself in the temple.

Hahaha, PATHETIC. Just do it! You know you don't want to be here anymore. You're worthless, just fucking die!

I started crying again when I heard someone trying to open the door.

"No! Don't come in here." I cried. Whoever it was walked away and I let out a sigh of relief. I began hitting myself again and then the door swung open. Vic ran over to me, but I continued hitting myself.

He tried pulling my hands down, but I kept fighting against him.

"No, Vic! Stop!" I cried. He held my hands down and yelled for Mike. I kept kicking my legs at him trying to fight my way out of his grip. Mike ran in and held my legs and they carried me out of the bathroom, me swinging around. I could feel my face go extremely red and I could tell my veins were about to pop out of my head.

"Let me go!" I growled. What the fuck? This isn't me. Fight it.

"Carlee fucking stop!" Mike yelled. I arched my back and got one of my hands free from Vic and began to claw at my face. He quickly pulled it back, but I had already made a deep cut into my neck. Suddenly I couldn't breathe.

"Carlee, breathe!!" Vic yelled. Why am I doing this? This isn't me, I don't want this. I tried to control my arms as they broke free from Vic's grasp once again, but they made their way to my throat again. I began choking myself. What the fuck am I doing? Vic grabbed my arms again and I still wasn't breathing.

"Stop!" Vic yelled at the top of his lungs.

God look at yourself. You are just making a bigger fool of yourself. Fucking pathetic waste of air..

I started screaming and the last thing I remembered, Vic and Mike were gone and I had my hands wrapped around my throat. I felt a stabbing pain in my leg and soon enough, I blacked out.

--

I woke up and opened my eyes, everything was pitch black. I stood up and tried to find something, or someone.. I could feel my feet moving, but nothing else was changing. It was all still pitch black. I kept wandering around when I came up to an empty street, the only light being a street light. I walked closer to see my house, it was dark and looked abandoned.. I walked up to the door and made my way into the house. There was already a light on, it was my room. I walked into the doorway to see a body hanging from a rope.

My body. I looked away, feeling extremely sick. I looked down to my bed to see another body laying on it. There was blood all around it and it was face down. I turned it over to find my brother, throat sliced. His eyes were rolled back in his head, he was lifeless. Dead. I screamed and turned to run out of the house and back into the street. Now I could see a car across the street, maybe I can get out of here.. I made my way over to the car to see it broken, dented, smashed and burned.. I came closer to see two almost unidentifiable bodies in the car. But then I realized who it was.. my parents. I began to scream and ran as fast as I could away from the scene. I ran as far as my legs would take me. I looked over to see a familiar house, my grandparents house.

Maybe my grandpa was home, maybe he could help me.. I walked into the house and ran up the stairs to his room. He wasn't in this room.. I ran to the bathroom to check in there. I scoped around and didn't see anything, until my eyes landed on the bathtub. I walked closer to see my grandma's body and a bunch of electrical cords tied around her. She was dead as well..

That is how my grandma died. She killed herself.. I backed up and turned around to run when I saw another figure sitting up on the bed. It was my grandpa. He had something in his hands and I walked over to see what it was. Suddenly, he put the object up to his head. I soon realized it was a gun and ran over to him.

"No, grandpa don't!!" I screamed.

It was too late..

Tears were streaming down my face. I broke down in that room.. I fell to the floor and buried my face in the ground and closed my eyes. A minute later, I got back up to find myself in a whole different place. I was inside Vic's car, riding along with him. He looked very upset. Tears were falling from his eyes and he was going 80 miles per hour.

"Vic slow down!" I yelled. He didn't slow down, he didn't turn to look at me, nothing. It was like he couldn't even hear me. "Vic, stop!!" I yelled again. Nothing. I looked out to see an oncoming semi heading towards us. He started speeding up even faster as we approached it. "Vic please don't do this!" I cried. I reached over and tried pulling his leg off the gas, but there was no effect. My hands slipped right through him. The semi was only about 2 feet away from us now. I looked over to Vic, he did some weird thing with his hands.. A prayer. Then he turned the wheel and the semi smashed into us. I watched as Vic's body was smashed by both vehicles. I watched as his car spun off of the road and into the dirt. His car was completely totaled. His body was completely mauled. There was blood everywhere.. I screamed in horror and ran back to his house, I needed to find Mike. I needed to tell him that his brother was gone.. and it was all MY fault.. I approached the door and ran inside, desperately looking for Mike. I ran into the the bathroom to see Mike hovering over the counter. His eyes were red and puffy, he looked like he had been crying for hours.. He picked up a bottle of jack and downed half of it in less than 10 seconds. I stared at him in disbelief and watched as he picked up a bottle of pills.

Oxycontin.. He poured them into his hand and stared at them for a little while.

"Mike don't fucking do it!" I screamed. "Don't you dare leave me, Mike, don't you dare fucking do it!" I cried. He pulled his hand up to his mouth and popped them in. He took his bottle of jack and swallowed them down. I fell to my knees, screaming at the ceiling. He sat there for a minute, tears starting to fall from his already puffy eyes. I watched as he collapsed to the floor. I watched as he took his last breath.. I watched as his eyes rolled back into his skull.. I watched him die.. I ran out of the room and collapsed to the floor, shaking uncontrollably. A few minutes later, Tony walked in through the door and I stood up as fast as possible as he went to turn the corner into the hallway.

"Tony don't go in there!" I yelled. He turned to the door and pushed it open. I heard him scream, I watched him cry. If only he had listened to me.. He fell back and put his hand up to his chest, clutching where his heart was. I stared at him as he passed out.. I ran over to him and his body started to shake, foam started to come out from his mouth. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he kept on shaking. I was desperately trying to hold him down, this couldn't be happening.. I kept screaming, trying to do something. I got up and ran to the phone, trying to dial 911. I pulled it up to my ear only to hear a blank line. I slammed the phone down and ran back to Tony, who was now unmoving. I ran over to his side and shook him.

"Tony!" I yelled. I shook him harder, but there was no response. He was gone now too..

This is all my fault. How could I have been so selfish? I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed so loud, cursing in between my breaths. I ran outside and screamed at the sky.

"Fuck you! You took all of them! It wasn't their time!" I cried.

"It wasn't yours either."

I woke up, screaming and sweating and breathing heavier than I ever had in my life. I looked around to see I was back in Vic's house, laying in his bed. Am I still in this nightmare? I started shaking and brought my hands to my face and continued crying in them. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and I shot my head up to see Vic clutching onto me. Oh my god, what a fucking nightmare.

"Vic, oh my god." I cried, holding him as tight as I could. "I love you so much."

He pulled away and stared at me and furrowed his eyebrows.

"Are you still a little loopy?" he laughed.

"No, Vic. I had the worst nightmare imaginable." I cried. He looked at me, concern filling his face.

"What did you dream about?" he asked.

"No, not dream. It was NOT a dream. It was a sick, horrifying nightmare." I spat.

"Sorry, what did you see in your nightmare?"

"Vic.. I don't even want to talk about it, it was horrible." I said, tears falling from my eyes once again.

"Tell me. You can't just wake up screaming and acting all weird and then not explain why."

I explained my dream to him in very, very vivid details. His eyes widened as I explained the dream to him.

"Oh my god.. that is terrible." he said, pulling me over to him. He stared at me for awhile, looking like he wanted to say something.

"What?" I asked.

"I need to tell you something.." I stared at him and started getting nervous.

"What?" I asked again.

"Carlee.. I found your note. I found your note about suicide.." he mumbled. My eyes shot away from him, tears filling them.

"Vic.."

"No, Carlee. That hurt me so much.. You promised me." he said, his voice starting to shake.

"Vic I know.. but-"

"No you don't know! After reading that and seeing you do that shit to yourself last night! That's not okay!" he yelled.

"Vic that wasn't me, something came over me.." I started. "It was like I was possessed or something.." I mumbled.

"You really expect me to believe that?" he snapped. "Especially after reading that note!"

"Vic it wasn't me!" I yelled, tears falling from my eyes. I got up and pulled away from him, running and locking myself in his bathroom. I started crying and sank down the wall. I just lost Vic's trust.. That was the worst feeling ever.. A second later, he was pounding on the door.

"Carlee open the door now!" he yelled. I've never heard him yell like that..

"No! Leave me alone!" I cried.

"You're in my bathroom in my house!" he yelled. "If you want to lock yourself in your own bathroom, go ahead and leave."

I got up and unlocked the door, throwing it open and running to grab my stuff. I changed my clothes quickly as he watched me in disbelief. I pulled on my shoes and stormed out of his room, him following quickly behind me.

"Carlee, wait, I'm sorry!" he called.

"No, Vic. I'm leaving like you said." I yelled as I walked out of his house, slamming the door behind me. I totally forgot that I didn't have my car, so I was forced to walk. It wasn't that long of a walk though, and I really needed to clear my mind anyways.

I approached my house and threw open the door, slamming it behind me. My phone started buzzing from inside my bag and I pulled it out to see Vic's name on the screen. I pressed decline and walked into my bathroom. I pulled off my clothes to look at the damage I had done to myself. My neck had a cut and a few bruises, my legs were bruised up, my hands were still red and there were bruises all over my face. I looked terrible. My phone buzzed again, but it was shortened. I pulled it out to see I had a text message from Vic.

From Vic:
I was going to apologize but since you wanted to ignore me, nevermind. Try not to kill yourself.

I stared down at my phone, trying to decide if Vic was being sincere or if he was making a joke out of all of this. I thought for a while and decided to respond.

To Vic:
What's that supposed to mean?

From Vic:
It just means this is getting pretty ridiculous. You need to get on anti-depressants or something.

I looked down at my phone, falling in defeat. The voice inside my head was right. He didn't really care.. He just felt sorry for me..

To Vic:
Guess you won't have to deal with that anymore. Goodbye.

I threw my phone down and thought for awhile about what I was going to do. I thought long and hard about it. My phone buzzed again and I looked down to read the message.

From Vic:
Looks like your nightmare is about to be real then.

My mind cleared very quickly and I shot up.

To Vic:
What do you mean?

From Vic:
You die I die, remember?

Notes

ugh this chapter..
im sorry guys im feeling really bleh lately.