All day people were asking me why I wasn't here, especially Tony. I didn't ever get a chance to tell him what happened. We were waiting at the front of the school for Vic to come and pick me up, and he kept questioning me. I turned to him and sighed.

"My grandma died, Tony. Her funeral was today." He gave me a shocked expression and pulled me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, how do you feel about it?" he asked, pulling away.

"I just feel guilty.. the last thing I told her was I hated her, and that it was her fault my brother died.." I mumbled.

"Oh no.. its okay. Don't feel bad, Carlee. I'm sure she knew you weren't serious." I sighed again and turned away from him.

"I never talked to her again. I went 2 whole years without talking to her.. and now she's gone."

He gave me another hug, and we were hugging for a while as my sobs became noticeable.

"She knows you love her. She knows you're sorry. Don't beat yourself up, Carlee. She knows." he whispered.

"How would you know that, Tony?" I cried.

"I don't.. but it's what I told myself when my dad died. It helped me through it all."

And it wasn't about me anymore. I realized everyone has their own problems, I was being selfish. And now I felt bad.

"Thank you." I smiled, pulling away from the hug. I wiped the tears from my eyes and gave him another convincing smile. "Thank you so much."

He flashed me a smile. "You're welcome. Just know I'm here whenever you need someone, just text me or something." he smiled. I nodded and as if on cue, Vic pulled up to the school. I said bye to Tony and slid into the car.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his eyes fixed on me.

"Better." I smiled.

"That's great." he smiled, pulling away from the school. The whole rest of the car ride was pretty silent. We pulled into his driveway and walked inside. He sat down on the couch and I sat down next to him, pulling my bag off of me and laying it next to me. He pulled me over to him so I was halfway on his lap and I just sat there, staring at the TV. I felt his eyes on me and I turned over to him.

"What's wrong?" he asked. I gave him a confused expression.

"Carlee, something's wrong. Tell me." he said, voice stern. I looked at him for a second and the truth was, something is wrong, everything's wrong, but I wasn't going to let him know that.

"Nothing, but can I take a shower? I feel like I smell like funeral.." I mumbled. I wanted to get away from him, I didn't want to face him right now. I wish I wasn't so easy for him to read.. He nodded and I got up and walked myself to the bathroom. I turned on the water and stripped myself of my clothes. I ran my hand under the water and nodded at the temperature. I climbed in, closing the shower door behind me.

I sat there in the shower, letting the warm water hit my body. It felt amazing, but I was starting to feel depressed. I hated being alone. Even for 5 minutes. Because when I'm alone, I think. I think about everything. And now I was starting to think about my grandma again. It hasn't even been an hour since the last time I thought about her. I felt so guilty, I felt so ashamed of myself. And it only made me hate myself more. For some reason, I feel like I was part of the reason she was gone now. I never went to visit her.. I never went to fix everything between us. Now we have unresolved issues.. And the only way to fix that is to join her.

But the place I'd end up is not where she is.. and I know that for sure. Can you kill yourself and still go to heaven?

Vic Pov

I watched as she left the room. I knew something was bothering her, but I could tell she didn't want to talk about it. I felt so bad for her, her life is fucked up.. Soon enough, I heard the water start and the shower door close. I sat there for a while, just watching TV, until I looked over and realized she left her backpack here. I wanted to see what they were working on at her school, so I grabbed it and pulled out her binder. I started going through it and laughing at some of the things they made her do. I kept going through until I landed on a piece of paper.

Suicide.

I think about it all the time. It would be so easy to just end all of the pain, suffering, and self hate that I feel on a daily basis. No more depression, no more cutting, just ignorant bliss. I don't know what will happen, but what I do know is that it will be better than the way I'm living right now. I can't live with who I am. I am living in a constant hell, and it's killing me; it's actually slowly driving me insane. So the real question is: how will I do it? There are so many options: hanging, suffocation, drowning, slitting my wrists, overdose, jumping, electrocution, and so many more. I've written so many suicide notes in the past years, and I've never actually gone through with it. Suicide is NOT the coward's way out. A person has to be going through the worst physical and emotional pain imaginable to even think about ending his or her own life. And I've finally gotten to that point. No, I am not brave enough to end my life right now. Maybe I'll build up the courage to do it some day, but at the moment, I'm hanging onto a small strand of hope that maybe my life will get better. But my hope is wearing thin, and soon that strand will break. Not today, but maybe tomorrow. Who knows? I just hope that one day I will be brave enough to do what I've had planned for so many years.

I stared down at the paper in disbelief. I couldn't believe she was still feeling this way.. and she promised..

Notes

I know it's short, but idk. I had a few different ideas for how this could go, but then I would have no idea for the next chapter xD so enjoy this update, and I'll try updating again soon. :)

Let me know what you guys think! Don't be a silent reader c: