I woke up to the sound of my alarm, once again. Today wasn't just an ordinary day, today was the day of my grandma's funeral. I pulled myself together and jumped into the shower.

I finished it up and went over to my closet to pick out my clothes. I looked through my wardrobe about three times. What do you even wear to a funeral? Black, of course, but does it have to be fancy.. casual, what?

I decided on just a plain black dress and some black vans. My shoes probably weren't very 'appropriate' for the funeral, but it's not like I had this all planned out before. I didn't exactly have 'funeral clothes.'

And then it really hit me. I was going to my grandma's funeral. Just the word itself gave me chills. I was going to see my grandmother's cold, dead body.. I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts and decided on straightening my hair. I wasn't even going to bother with my makeup though, it would all be washed away by tears anyways.. I was in the middle of straightening my hair when my phone began to ring. I picked it up to see Vic's name on the screen. I pressed accept and held it up to my ear.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" he asked.

"Shitty." I said, forcing a laugh.

"I'm sorry, babe. What time are we going?" I furrowed my eyebrows a bit and gave my phone a weird look, as if it was him. What time are we going?

"You're coming with me?" I asked. It probably sounded a bit rude, but he knew why I was asking.

"Yes, I want to be there to support you and make sure you're okay."

"Okay. We're leaving at 10." I said, smiling a bit.

"Okay, I'll be there soon. I love you." he said. I smiled at him saying that. I was still getting used to the word. Especially being said to me. Just those three words were enough to make me smile.

"I love you too." I said. I hung up the phone and continued straightening my hair. I finished that up and sat down on my bed, letting my thoughts take over.

I'm terrible. It wasn't her fault my brother was gone. It wasn't her fault..

My thoughts ended quickly as I heard a honk from outside. I grabbed my phone and made my way out there and slid into the car. Vic was dressed in a black button-up shirt, black pants and black shoes. It was pretty depressing, but he still looked amazing.

"Hey. You look beautiful." he said, giving me a kiss. He looked down at my shoes and laughed.

"I knew you were going to wear those. So I bought you these." he laughed, pulling a box out from under his seat. He handed it to me and I pulled the top off, showing a brand new pair of black heels. They were very pretty, but they were HUGE.

"So you want to have another funeral?" I laughed.

"Oh don't even. Put them on. I bet they'll look amazing on you." I looked at him and laughed a bit, but nodded. I took off my vans and my socks and slipped the heels on.

"Oh my god.. I feel like such a.. girl." I said, scrunching up my nose.

"You are a girl. And they look amazing." he laughed, pulling out of the driveway.

--

We pulled up to a church for the service, and to my surprise there were lots of people piling in. I didn't realize how many people loved my grandma.. Vic killed the ignition on his car and looked over to me.

"You ready?"

"No." I said, letting out a small laugh. I felt like shit. I was scared. He opened his door and got out, walking over to my side. He opened my door and pulled me out. I was already having problems walking, so he helped me out a bit. He kept laughing, but soon enough I got the hang of it. We walked into the church to see a line forming for the viewing. There were lots of people here. Lot's of people mourning over the loss of my grandma..

It was our turn and we walked up to the casket. I looked down and instantly tears fell from my face. The weird thing was..

She looked peaceful.

I turned away and continued to cry. I followed Vic to our seats and he pulled me close, giving me a kiss.

"I love you. You'll be okay." I smiled and gave him another kiss.

People started coming up and talking about how great of a person my grandma was. And then it was my grandpa's turn.

"I'll never forget the day we met. I'll never forget our first date, our first kiss, or when we got married. I'll never forget her." he started. "She was so beautiful. She may have disagreed with me, but I didn't see a single flaw on her. She was perfect." he said. His voice started to shake and a tear fell from his eye. "I'll miss her laugh and her smile. I'll miss going to sleep with her and waking up with her by my side. I'll miss everything. My love for you is eternal. I love you, Edith. Forever." he finished, tears overwhelming all of us. My sobs were becoming very noticeable and I turned over to Vic, who was even shedding a tear. I gave him another kiss and we watched as more people came up to speak.

--

Vic and I were about to head out when we were stopped by my grandpa.

"Carly Sue." he smiled, opening his arms for a hug. I gave him a hug and smiled.

"Hey, grandpa. How are you holding up?" I asked.

"Eh.. I'll make it through.." he sighed. "How have you been?"

"I've been better.." I sighed. We sat there for a second, pitying ourselves.

"Who is this?" he asked, motioning towards Vic.

"Oh, this is Vic," I smiled. "And this is my grandpa, George." They exchanged hellos and started to have a conversation.

"So is Vic your boyfriend?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

I didn't exactly know, to be honest. We pretty much were, but we never made it 'official.'

"Yes, I am." Vic smiled, grabbing my hand.

"Well, you've picked a nice one." he said to me. "Thank you for coming today, Vic."

"You're welcome, and I'm sorry for your loss. She seemed like a great woman."

We sat there in silence for a second until I spoke up.

"Well, we better get out of here. I need to go back to school. It was nice seeing you, grandpa. Please, stay in touch. I love you and take care of yourself, okay?" I smiled. We said our goodbyes and Vic and I headed out.

--

It was only 12 o'clock, so Vic took me back to my house to change and then brought me to school. I got there just in time for my creative writing class.

I wrote about my grandma's death, I wrote about the guilt I felt for what I said to her..

It was just a normal day. I stayed home from school because I wasn't feeling good.. or at least that's what I told my grandparents. The truth was, I was afraid to go to school..
Anyways, my grandpa was at work and my grandma was at home with my brother and I. My grandma and my brother fought a lot. There was barely a day when they weren't fighting. My brother blamed my grandparents for everything bad that happened in his life. My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was 10, and he had been on medication ever since. My brother was 19 now, and I was 16. So he had been on medication for 8 years. My brother was always an angry person because of that. Everything bad that happened in his life, he blamed on everyone else. He would never take responsibility for anything bad that happened in his life. He literally made my grandparents lives living hell. Mine as well. But I still loved my brother. And when he wasn't angry, I loved being around him. I loved him so much..
Anyways, my brother was fighting with my grandma and kept shouting things like,
"You don't love me! Nobody does! I hate this whole family! I'd rather die than be here!" and then him and my grandma got into a physical fight. She shoved him out of her room and he began hitting her, so I helped pull him off of her. She closed and locked her door and left my brother and I outside in the living room. My brother ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I followed him and kept shouting at him not to do it.. and that I loved him and so did my grandma. I was on my knees, begging and pleading him not to do it. Then he ran into the living room and I followed behind him. He turned around and held the knife up to his throat and shouted, "Take one more step and I swear to god I'll fucking do it right here." so I stopped. I fell to my knees and started bawling. He went out back and slammed the door behind him. My grandma came out of her room and pulled me into her arms and took me outside into the car. I was crying uncontrollably and I kept fighting, telling her I needed to be there for my brother.

I knew that he was going to do it. I knew he wasn't bluffing this time. If only she had seen what I seen.. She told me, "Carlee, if he's willing to kill himself, you don't know what he'd be willing to do to you. You need to stay away from someone like that. He could've hurt you. You're lucky you came out alive."

I fought for about an hour while she drove away to a local park. It was next to a police station and I kept trying to get out of the car, but she wouldn't let me. I kept yelling at her, telling her to call the police. So instead, she called my grandpa.

My grandpa cared a whole lot about my brother. My brother may put him through a lot, but he loved him like his own son. He didn't want anything to happen to him so he told my grandma to call the police.. So she finally did. They sent an ambulance and a couple of officers to my house.. We pulled in to see a cop in the corner of our backyard, staring towards something. He had his gun in his hand and was being very cautious. He went wide-eyed and started running towards something.. my brother. A minute later, paramedics ran into my house with the stretcher and a minute later, my brother came out on it.. bleeding uncontrollably from his throat.. Another police officer came over to my grandma and I and had me fill out a police report. As I was doing that, a few girls from my school passed by my house and watched as the paramedics pulled my brother to the ambulance.. they saw me crying.. they knew what happened.

He was dead. My brother took his own life that day. I still remember the exact date.. April 24th.

I finished up the last sentence and turned to a blank page. The last page in my notebook. I titled it, Suicide.

I think about it all the time. It would be so easy to just end all of the pain, suffering, and self hate that I feel on a daily basis. No more depression, no more cutting, just ignorant bliss. I don't know what will happen, but what I do know is that it will be better than the way I'm living right now. I can't live with who I am. I am living in a constant hell, and it's killing me; it's actually slowly driving me insane. So the real question is: how will I do it? There are so many options: hanging, suffocation, drowning, slitting my wrists, overdose, jumping, electrocution, and so many more. I've written so many suicide notes in the past years, and I've never actually gone through with it. Suicide is NOT the coward's way out. A person has to be going through the worst physical and emotional pain imaginable to even think about ending his or her own life. And I've finally gotten to that point. No, I am not brave enough to end my life right now. Maybe I'll build up the courage to do it some day, but at the moment, I'm hanging onto a small strand of hope that maybe my life will get better. But my hope is wearing thin, and soon that strand will break. Not today, but maybe tomorrow. Who knows? I just hope that one day I will be brave enough to do what I've had planned for so many years.

I wrote two copies of this page. I turned my journal into the 'read' section. It didn't matter now. Because I'd either be gone, and if I wasn't, it means I changed my mind, so it wouldn't even matter anymore. I walked up out of the classroom and finished my last day of school.

Notes

I AM FUCKING HAVING AN ANXIETY FUCKING ATTACK
I JUST TYPED THE WHOLE FUCKING CHAPTER AND I WAS GOING TO ADD ONE MORE FUCKING THING TO IT AND I ACCIDENTALLY EXITED OUT OF THE FUCKING PAGE OHH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I AM LITERALLY SITTING HERE GOING "OH MY FUCKING GOD, OH MY FUCKING GOD"
OKAY IM FREAKING OUT OMFG

IF THIS CHAPTER SUCKS ASS, THAT'S WHY. BECAUSE I HAD TO REWRITE IT COMPLETELY BASED ON MEMORY. OMFG IT WAS SO LOOOONNNGGG OH MY GOD.

okay, I'm calm now because I just finished the second version of this chapter. ;-;

I hope this doesn't suck too bad. Ily guys. If you need someone to talk to, message me please.