I'm Crying Underwater So You Don't Hear The Sound (re-upload)
I Don't Care If You're Sick, I Don't Care If You're Contagious
I lay there in my bed, wrapped up in tormented white sheets staring up at my ceiling with tear lined eyes. I hated what happened yesterday, I was too ashamed to want to talk to or see those boys again. I knew Tony knew and I hated that Vic knew and I hated that Tony saw what I did with Mike and I hated that I let Mike do that. Everything was not okay any more, it never will be. I can't stand the though of Tony ever finding out anything about my past, or anyone for a matter of fact. Yes, Vic knew that I self harm but I don't ever ever want him to know why I did and I sure did not want his brotherand especially precious Jaime to find out. He's far too happy and cheerful to be knowing my burden of a past. None of them deserved that, especially Tony.
Tony had already called me twice this morning, once at 8 am — then he texted me telling me he was sorry for calling too early — and another two hours after. It was now half one in the afternoon and I had three other texts from Tony, and he seemed pretty worried.
'r you okay? do you need anything?'
'where r you, r u okay?!'
'please answer me, last night scared me and i'm worried bout you :('
Worried about me? That's a joke, nobody has ever been worried about me. See this, right there — I'm a fucking burden. I gave a deep sigh before picking up my thumbs and typing away to all three text messages in one: 'hey, i'm fine, i was asleep and i'm home + yes, i'm fine, don't be worried tony, please :c'
He texted back right away, 'oh good! i'm sorry i called u before, didnt mean to wake u. how about u come over later and we can talk? p.s. i'll always worry about you after last night, nothing u can do about it' Bless him, he was so sweet. But his question made me nauseous, I was completely unsure about going back to the boys' house. The thought of everything, especially last night just made me want to vomit.
It took me a long while to reply to Tony's text, and until I did my hands were shaking and my breathing became uneven: 'yeah sure, maybe real later though okay?' I felt my heart burst against my chest when the tone went off for whenever a new message arrived.
'does 7pm sound good to you? mike, jaime&vic are going out by 630, so we'll have a lot of time' I furrowed my brows at his response.
'why aren't you going with them???'
'i really want to talk to u thats why..' I threw my phone aside and tumbled off my bed before crawling hurriedly to my bathroom. I yanked the door open and threw myself at the already open toilet seat to empty my stomach of whatever was in there. No breakfast, not much to eat last night — maybe it was the bong last night?
Literally, I could feel my intestines swirling around my stomach and my lungs were empty. I had emptied my stomach of everything, even the liquids from crying so much just now. I hated throwing up, it drew me back to my 10th year in school — I would go home and purge a lot, I'd purposely go and throw up in the toilets at school because I just couldn't do it at home. Then that drew me to my old and only friends; the razors blades, the scissors.
Suddenly I had this horrible feeling on my wrists, I kept scratching at them and picking at them at this very moment and it made me even more sick. I looked up at the little orange bag on my black shelf. I stood with shaking legs, still itching my arms and knocked it down to watch it tumble and spill it's contents into my bathtub.
Five fresh, unused razors dropped out of the bathtub and I immediately dived for one of them. I removed the blade itself after minutes of frustration and managed to slice my thumb open in the mean time but it just wasn't enough.
An hour had passed and there were tissues all over the floor, blood staining the marble tiles of the floor and dampening the tissues. Some blood was splattered in the sink and the sight of it just made me throw up three times more. I lay my numb head against the toilet seat, sniffling and whimpering. My throat was so sore and everything just hurt — my arms and lungs especially. This time I had cut even more, so much worse, so much more deeper. That razor did the most damage I've ever created in my entire life and that felt good. I was always a coward when it came to slicing up my wrists. It didn't get worse until I hit 15. Now I'm twenty two and still at it. I'm a pathetic little bitch.
I heard my phone ring and buzz from my bed and I wanted to answer it but I just didn't have the energy to. I pushed my self up from the toilet and yanked heaps of toilet paper off the roll before wrapping it round and round at least five times around my battered wrist. I dragged my body to my still ringing phone and picked it up to see the caller ID
Tony Perry
I stared at it for a while before crashing down onto my floor and sobbing violently. I didn't want to be a filthy burden in his life, that's not what he needed or deserved. I looked down at the screen of my phone and pressed the green button but I put it on speaker phone.
"Hey! Sky—" I gave a heavy weep at how he said my name and took in a sharp breath.
"Sky? Skylar are you okay?!" I wanted to answer but I couldn't manage the words, my throat still killed me and I was completely drained in all sorts of ways. I let out a strained cry and tried to call for his name but nothing would come out.
"Skylar I'm coming over — I don't care what you say!" and just like that he hung up, my phone dropped to the ground with a thump and my cried were desperate but silent. I just sat there, wheezing and rocking back and fourth.
Everything was supposed to be different here! I wasn't supposed to do this! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to get away from everything and get better and be better! I'm a fucking failure!
Tony made his way into my house through the window since I couldn't move from my spot to open the door for him. He had to run back into his house into Vic's room and jump from window to tree to balcony. He managed to unlock the window by barging it with his shoulder, "I'll pay for that, I swear!" He panicked, slowly pushing the window shut and then rushing over to me. I felt his arms over my shoulders and his hands locked together once they were in front of my chest. He was sat down with open legs and pulled me backwards into his body, holding me close and making soft shushing noises. His right hand rested on my forehead, pushing my hair out of my face and the other hand was tightly wrapped around my left wrist. I tried to wriggle it out of his grip but again, I was just completely drained and I couldn't be bothered.
I guess this was it, right? Why does everything go wrong? This was exactly how my not-so-stranger-with-benefits found me, but he left me and told everyone in school. I ran away for two days straight and wasn't found until the third day in Central London by a diner. He left me and betrayed me — my 'stranger' was once my friend, but we didn't think we were meant to be friends so we hit it off in another direction, just not officially if you catch my drift. I didn't want Tony to leave me this way, I didn't want him to leave me at all but I didn't want to keep him here and force him to keep me in his life as nothing but a burden.
My throat was dry and I could no longer cry, so I rolled onto my side just a bit as Tony still held onto my wrist but with my right hand I clutched his shirt and groaned from all the pain that buzzed through my body.
"Skylar, please.. Oh my God.. Oh my God." I felt my fresh scars being exposed to the air and the reaction between the two caused it to burn. I let out a screech and dragged my wrist out of Tony's grip before clutching it to my chest and screaming absent-mindedly at him: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Tony, I'm sorry!" I managed to choke out my words with all the strength I had managed to build up for the while that he held me.
"Hey, Sky it's okay.." His voice was drowned out by my groans and whimpers but through it all I could hear him sniffling and his voice breaking. I shook my head over and over again, "M-m, no it's no-ot!" I coughed roughly before pushing myself up to watch some more vomit splatter out of my system. I felt his hand rubbing my back in circles, round and round. His tough was warm and it made me feel homely, I stopped vomiting and leaned back into Tony's body where he wrapped his arms around me.
One of his arms unwrapped from me after a while and I heard a ringing tone, like when you're calling someone and — "Hello?"
"Vic, you gotta help me out—"
"Dude, where the hell did you go? Where are you?"
"I'm at Skylar's you won't fucking believe, it — I need you, Vic please help her!"
"Help her? What do you mean 'help her' what's wrong with her is she even okay?"
"No! She's not okay, get you're ass over here and take a fucking look this is not okay!"
His voice was shaky and the conversation stopped after a while. Maybe it was me because I saw Tony's lips moving but everything that made noise was drowned out. Soon enough my eyes begin to close and I just felt the darkness wrap around me again. I didn't know if I was dead, I didn't know if I was alive or still breathing. I wouldn't mind if I wasn't nor would I mind if I was — but what I did mind is that Tony was here and he saw everything and that wasn't okay. It was the worst thing.
"Sky? Skylar, hey — it's me, it's Vic." His voice was so soft, like his hair, soft and shiny and it made me feel so comfortable.
I reached my left hand up to him and grabbed his hair, not grabbed it, but I took a handful and raked my fingers through. I saw him smile at my motions before he took a hold of my own hair and pushed it back out of my face. I noticed Mike sitting in the corner with a handful of tissues clamped between his hands.
I pushed myself up and made out the fact that I was laying on the sofa in my lounge, I also noticed my head was actually laying in Jaime's lap, not on the sofa. I also noticed Tony leaning against the window sill, his head out of the window and the summer breeze ruffling through his short locks. I tried to sit upright but I slumped straight into Jaime's side. His arms dropped over me and he craned his neck to kiss the top of my head.
"There, there, dear Skylar.." He twirled some strands of my hair around his fingers and let me rest against him. I had an idea Jaime didn't really know what was up, but the others obviously did. I noticed how Vic was shaking his head down at Mike and Mike did the same thing up at him.
"Yo Himes, why don't you uh — come with me to go get something to eat — Sky you want anything to eat?" I perked up a little at the sound of food and I lifted my head up to nod at his question,
"Please? Like.. I really just want anything.." My voice was rocky, from all the crying and vomiting I did previously. I didn't know how long it was that I had been out for, I was interested for how long but I didn't necessarily want to know.
"Sure thing gorgeous, c'mon Himes." Jaime groaned before gently getting up, being careful of my state, he motioned over to Mike to come and take his place because Tony was just completely out of the scene. He looked as if he didn't want to be involved in any of this and I don't blame him.
I felt warm again when Mike to Jaime's place on the sofa. I dragged my arm in front of his stomach and clutched to it while resting against his side. His hand rubbed up and down my arm and creepily ran down to my wrist to caress it gently. I felt safe against his touch, I felt safe against all of their touch's and I was glad I knew these boys. But I felt bad for Tony because after him knowing about mine and Mike's little.. I don't know what to call it but after that night it was really awkward. I don't think it was for Mike but for me and Tony maybe a little, I just couldn't put my finger on why.
"Tony?" I managed to croak out. He turned his head instantly before walking over to me and Mike on the sofa.
"Yeah?" He finally answered whilst on the floor, his arm resting on my thighs and his right hand in mine, playing with my fingers.
"I'm so sorry.." I felt Mike sigh beside me and Tony dropped his head at my words.
"Don't be sorry, please Sky."
"But—"
"—Sky," Mike had interjected, Tony and I both looked up at him, "Tony's right, you shouldn't be sorry, it's not your fault.. but," he sighed again.
"I lay there in my bed, wrapped up in tormented white sheets staring up at my ceiling with tear lined eyes. I hated what happened yesterday, I was too ashamed to want to talk to or see those boys again. I knew Tony knew and I hated that Vic knew and I hated that Tony saw what I did with Mike and I hated that I let Mike do that. Everything was not okay any more, it never will be. I can't stand the though of Tony ever finding out anything about my past, or anyone for a matter of fact. Yes, Vic knew that I self harm but I don't ever ever want him to know why I did and I sure did not want his brotherand especially precious Jaime to find out. He's far too happy and cheerful to be knowing my burden of a past. None of them deserved that, especially Tony.
Tony had already called me twice this morning, once at 8 am — then he texted me telling me he was sorry for calling too early — and another two hours after. It was now half one in the afternoon and I had three other texts from Tony, and he seemed pretty worried.
'r you okay? do you need anything?'
'where r you, r u okay?!'
'please answer me, last night scared me and i'm worried bout you :('
Worried about me? That's a joke, nobody has ever been worried about me. See this, right there — I'm a fucking burden. I gave a deep sigh before picking up my thumbs and typing away to all three text messages in one: 'hey, i'm fine, i was asleep and i'm home + yes, i'm fine, don't be worried tony, please :c'
He texted back right away, 'oh good! i'm sorry i called u before, didnt mean to wake u. how about u come over later and we can talk? p.s. i'll always worry about you after last night, nothing u can do about it' Bless him, he was so sweet. But his question made me nauseous, I was completely unsure about going back to the boys' house. The thought of everything, especially last night just made me want to vomit.
It took me a long while to reply to Tony's text, and until I did my hands were shaking and my breathing became uneven: 'yeah sure, maybe real later though okay?' I felt my heart burst against my chest when the tone went off for whenever a new message arrived.
'does 7pm sound good to you? mike, jaime&vic are going out by 630, so we'll have a lot of time' I furrowed my brows at his response.
'why aren't you going with them???'
'i really want to talk to u thats why..' I threw my phone aside and tumbled off my bed before crawling hurriedly to my bathroom. I yanked the door open and threw myself at the already open toilet seat to empty my stomach of whatever was in there. No breakfast, not much to eat last night — maybe it was the bong last night?
Literally, I could feel my intestines swirling around my stomach and my lungs were empty. I had emptied my stomach of everything, even the liquids from crying so much just now. I hated throwing up, it drew me back to my 10th year in school — I would go home and purge a lot, I'd purposely go and throw up in the toilets at school because I just couldn't do it at home. Then that drew me to my old and only friends; the razors blades, the scissors.
Suddenly I had this horrible feeling on my wrists, I kept scratching at them and picking at them at this very moment and it made me even more sick. I looked up at the little orange bag on my black shelf. I stood with shaking legs, still itching my arms and knocked it down to watch it tumble and spill it's contents into my bathtub.
Five fresh, unused razors dropped out of the bathtub and I immediately dived for one of them. I removed the blade itself after minutes of frustration and managed to slice my thumb open in the mean time but it just wasn't enough.
An hour had passed and there were tissues all over the floor, blood staining the marble tiles of the floor and dampening the tissues. Some blood was splattered in the sink and the sight of it just made me throw up three times more. I lay my numb head against the toilet seat, sniffling and whimpering. My throat was so sore and everything just hurt — my arms and lungs especially. This time I had cut even more, so much worse, so much more deeper. That razor did the most damage I've ever created in my entire life and that felt good. I was always a coward when it came to slicing up my wrists. It didn't get worse until I hit 15. Now I'm twenty two and still at it. I'm a pathetic little bitch.
I heard my phone ring and buzz from my bed and I wanted to answer it but I just didn't have the energy to. I pushed my self up from the toilet and yanked heaps of toilet paper off the roll before wrapping it round and round at least five times around my battered wrist. I dragged my body to my still ringing phone and picked it up to see the caller ID
Tony Perry
I stared at it for a while before crashing down onto my floor and sobbing violently. I didn't want to be a filthy burden in his life, that's not what he needed or deserved. I looked down at the screen of my phone and pressed the green button but I put it on speaker phone.
"Hey! Sky—" I gave a heavy weep at how he said my name and took in a sharp breath.
"Sky? Skylar are you okay?!" I wanted to answer but I couldn't manage the words, my throat still killed me and I was completely drained in all sorts of ways. I let out a strained cry and tried to call for his name but nothing would come out.
"Skylar I'm coming over — I don't care what you say!" and just like that he hung up, my phone dropped to the ground with a thump and my cried were desperate but silent. I just sat there, wheezing and rocking back and fourth.
Everything was supposed to be different here! I wasn't supposed to do this! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to get away from everything and get better and be better! I'm a fucking failure!
Tony made his way into my house through the window since I couldn't move from my spot to open the door for him. He had to run back into his house into Vic's room and jump from window to tree to balcony. He managed to unlock the window by barging it with his shoulder, "I'll pay for that, I swear!" He panicked, slowly pushing the window shut and then rushing over to me. I felt his arms over my shoulders and his hands locked together once they were in front of my chest. He was sat down with open legs and pulled me backwards into his body, holding me close and making soft shushing noises. His right hand rested on my forehead, pushing my hair out of my face and the other hand was tightly wrapped around my left wrist. I tried to wriggle it out of his grip but again, I was just completely drained and I couldn't be bothered.
I guess this was it, right? Why does everything go wrong? This was exactly how my not-so-stranger-with-benefits found me, but he left me and told everyone in school. I ran away for two days straight and wasn't found until the third day in Central London by a diner. He left me and betrayed me — my 'stranger' was once my friend, but we didn't think we were meant to be friends so we hit it off in another direction, just not officially if you catch my drift. I didn't want Tony to leave me this way, I didn't want him to leave me at all but I didn't want to keep him here and force him to keep me in his life as nothing but a burden.
My throat was dry and I could no longer cry, so I rolled onto my side just a bit as Tony still held onto my wrist but with my right hand I clutched his shirt and groaned from all the pain that buzzed through my body.
"Skylar, please.. Oh my God.. Oh my God." I felt my fresh scars being exposed to the air and the reaction between the two caused it to burn. I let out a screech and dragged my wrist out of Tony's grip before clutching it to my chest and screaming absent-mindedly at him: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Tony, I'm sorry!" I managed to choke out my words with all the strength I had managed to build up for the while that he held me.
"Hey, Sky it's okay.." His voice was drowned out by my groans and whimpers but through it all I could hear him sniffling and his voice breaking. I shook my head over and over again, "M-m, no it's no-ot!" I coughed roughly before pushing myself up to watch some more vomit splatter out of my system. I felt his hand rubbing my back in circles, round and round. His tough was warm and it made me feel homely, I stopped vomiting and leaned back into Tony's body where he wrapped his arms around me.
One of his arms unwrapped from me after a while and I heard a ringing tone, like when you're calling someone and — "Hello?"
"Vic, you gotta help me out—"
"Dude, where the hell did you go? Where are you?"
"I'm at Skylar's you won't fucking believe, it — I need you, Vic please help her!"
"Help her? What do you mean 'help her' what's wrong with her is she even okay?"
"No! She's not okay, get you're ass over here and take a fucking look this is not okay!"
His voice was shaky and the conversation stopped after a while. Maybe it was me because I saw Tony's lips moving but everything that made noise was drowned out. Soon enough my eyes begin to close and I just felt the darkness wrap around me again. I didn't know if I was dead, I didn't know if I was alive or still breathing. I wouldn't mind if I wasn't nor would I mind if I was — but what I did mind is that Tony was here and he saw everything and that wasn't okay. It was the worst thing.
"Sky? Skylar, hey — it's me, it's Vic." His voice was so soft, like his hair, soft and shiny and it made me feel so comfortable.
I reached my left hand up to him and grabbed his hair, not grabbed it, but I took a handful and raked my fingers through. I saw him smile at my motions before he took a hold of my own hair and pushed it back out of my face. I noticed Mike sitting in the corner with a handful of tissues clamped between his hands.
I pushed myself up and made out the fact that I was laying on the sofa in my lounge, I also noticed my head was actually laying in Jaime's lap, not on the sofa. I also noticed Tony leaning against the window sill, his head out of the window and the summer breeze ruffling through his short locks. I tried to sit upright but I slumped straight into Jaime's side. His arms dropped over me and he craned his neck to kiss the top of my head.
"There, there, dear Skylar.." He twirled some strands of my hair around his fingers and let me rest against him. I had an idea Jaime didn't really know what was up, but the others obviously did. I noticed how Vic was shaking his head down at Mike and Mike did the same thing up at him.
"Yo Himes, why don't you uh — come with me to go get something to eat — Sky you want anything to eat?" I perked up a little at the sound of food and I lifted my head up to nod at his question,
"Please? Like.. I really just want anything.." My voice was rocky, from all the crying and vomiting I did previously. I didn't know how long it was that I had been out for, I was interested for how long but I didn't necessarily want to know.
"Sure thing gorgeous, c'mon Himes." Jaime groaned before gently getting up, being careful of my state, he motioned over to Mike to come and take his place because Tony was just completely out of the scene. He looked as if he didn't want to be involved in any of this and I don't blame him.
I felt warm again when Mike to Jaime's place on the sofa. I dragged my arm in front of his stomach and clutched to it while resting against his side. His hand rubbed up and down my arm and creepily ran down to my wrist to caress it gently. I felt safe against his touch, I felt safe against all of their touch's and I was glad I knew these boys. But I felt bad for Tony because after him knowing about mine and Mike's little.. I don't know what to call it but after that night it was really awkward. I don't think it was for Mike but for me and Tony maybe a little, I just couldn't put my finger on why.
"Tony?" I managed to croak out. He turned his head instantly before walking over to me and Mike on the sofa.
"Yeah?" He finally answered whilst on the floor, his arm resting on my thighs and his right hand in mine, playing with my fingers.
"I'm so sorry.." I felt Mike sigh beside me and Tony dropped his head at my words.
"Don't be sorry, please Sky."
"But—"
"—Sky," Mike had interjected, Tony and I both looked up at him, "Tony's right, you shouldn't be sorry, nothing is your fault." He didn't look at me, but he stared directly into Tony's eyes and I couldn't help by turn to look at Tony who was looking at me. I felt Mike nudge his nose into the side of my head and kiss my temple gently.
"Don't ever be sorry." He whispered into my ear.
Tony had already called me twice this morning, once at 8 am — then he texted me telling me he was sorry for calling too early — and another two hours after. It was now half one in the afternoon and I had three other texts from Tony, and he seemed pretty worried.
'r you okay? do you need anything?'
'where r you, r u okay?!'
'please answer me, last night scared me and i'm worried bout you :('
Worried about me? That's a joke, nobody has ever been worried about me. See this, right there — I'm a fucking burden. I gave a deep sigh before picking up my thumbs and typing away to all three text messages in one: 'hey, i'm fine, i was asleep and i'm home + yes, i'm fine, don't be worried tony, please :c'
He texted back right away, 'oh good! i'm sorry i called u before, didnt mean to wake u. how about u come over later and we can talk? p.s. i'll always worry about you after last night, nothing u can do about it' Bless him, he was so sweet. But his question made me nauseous, I was completely unsure about going back to the boys' house. The thought of everything, especially last night just made me want to vomit.
It took me a long while to reply to Tony's text, and until I did my hands were shaking and my breathing became uneven: 'yeah sure, maybe real later though okay?' I felt my heart burst against my chest when the tone went off for whenever a new message arrived.
'does 7pm sound good to you? mike, jaime&vic are going out by 630, so we'll have a lot of time' I furrowed my brows at his response.
'why aren't you going with them???'
'i really want to talk to u thats why..' I threw my phone aside and tumbled off my bed before crawling hurriedly to my bathroom. I yanked the door open and threw myself at the already open toilet seat to empty my stomach of whatever was in there. No breakfast, not much to eat last night — maybe it was the bong last night?
Literally, I could feel my intestines swirling around my stomach and my lungs were empty. I had emptied my stomach of everything, even the liquids from crying so much just now. I hated throwing up, it drew me back to my 10th year in school — I would go home and purge a lot, I'd purposely go and throw up in the toilets at school because I just couldn't do it at home. Then that drew me to my old and only friends; the razors blades, the scissors.
Suddenly I had this horrible feeling on my wrists, I kept scratching at them and picking at them at this very moment and it made me even more sick. I looked up at the little orange bag on my black shelf. I stood with shaking legs, still itching my arms and knocked it down to watch it tumble and spill it's contents into my bathtub.
Five fresh, unused razors dropped out of the bathtub and I immediately dived for one of them. I removed the blade itself after minutes of frustration and managed to slice my thumb open in the mean time but it just wasn't enough.
An hour had passed and there were tissues all over the floor, blood staining the marble tiles of the floor and dampening the tissues. Some blood was splattered in the sink and the sight of it just made me throw up three times more. I lay my numb head against the toilet seat, sniffling and whimpering. My throat was so sore and everything just hurt — my arms and lungs especially. This time I had cut even more, so much worse, so much more deeper. That razor did the most damage I've ever created in my entire life and that felt good. I was always a coward when it came to slicing up my wrists. It didn't get worse until I hit 15. Now I'm twenty two and still at it. I'm a pathetic little bitch.
I heard my phone ring and buzz from my bed and I wanted to answer it but I just didn't have the energy to. I pushed my self up from the toilet and yanked heaps of toilet paper off the roll before wrapping it round and round at least five times around my battered wrist. I dragged my body to my still ringing phone and picked it up to see the caller ID
Tony Perry
I stared at it for a while before crashing down onto my floor and sobbing violently. I didn't want to be a filthy burden in his life, that's not what he needed or deserved. I looked down at the screen of my phone and pressed the green button but I put it on speaker phone.
"Hey! Sky—" I gave a heavy weep at how he said my name and took in a sharp breath.
"Sky? Skylar are you okay?!" I wanted to answer but I couldn't manage the words, my throat still killed me and I was completely drained in all sorts of ways. I let out a strained cry and tried to call for his name but nothing would come out.
"Skylar I'm coming over — I don't care what you say!" and just like that he hung up, my phone dropped to the ground with a thump and my cried were desperate but silent. I just sat there, wheezing and rocking back and fourth.
Everything was supposed to be different here! I wasn't supposed to do this! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to get away from everything and get better and be better! I'm a fucking failure!
Tony made his way into my house through the window since I couldn't move from my spot to open the door for him. He had to run back into his house into Vic's room and jump from window to tree to balcony. He managed to unlock the window by barging it with his shoulder, "I'll pay for that, I swear!" He panicked, slowly pushing the window shut and then rushing over to me. I felt his arms over my shoulders and his hands locked together once they were in front of my chest. He was sat down with open legs and pulled me backwards into his body, holding me close and making soft shushing noises. His right hand rested on my forehead, pushing my hair out of my face and the other hand was tightly wrapped around my left wrist. I tried to wriggle it out of his grip but again, I was just completely drained and I couldn't be bothered.
I guess this was it, right? Why does everything go wrong? This was exactly how my not-so-stranger-with-benefits found me, but he left me and told everyone in school. I ran away for two days straight and wasn't found until the third day in Central London by a diner. He left me and betrayed me — my 'stranger' was once my friend, but we didn't think we were meant to be friends so we hit it off in another direction, just not officially if you catch my drift. I didn't want Tony to leave me this way, I didn't want him to leave me at all but I didn't want to keep him here and force him to keep me in his life as nothing but a burden.
My throat was dry and I could no longer cry, so I rolled onto my side just a bit as Tony still held onto my wrist but with my right hand I clutched his shirt and groaned from all the pain that buzzed through my body.
"Skylar, please.. Oh my God.. Oh my God." I felt my fresh scars being exposed to the air and the reaction between the two caused it to burn. I let out a screech and dragged my wrist out of Tony's grip before clutching it to my chest and screaming absent-mindedly at him: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Tony, I'm sorry!" I managed to choke out my words with all the strength I had managed to build up for the while that he held me.
"Hey, Sky it's okay.." His voice was drowned out by my groans and whimpers but through it all I could hear him sniffling and his voice breaking. I shook my head over and over again, "M-m, no it's no-ot!" I coughed roughly before pushing myself up to watch some more vomit splatter out of my system. I felt his hand rubbing my back in circles, round and round. His tough was warm and it made me feel homely, I stopped vomiting and leaned back into Tony's body where he wrapped his arms around me.
One of his arms unwrapped from me after a while and I heard a ringing tone, like when you're calling someone and — "Hello?"
"Vic, you gotta help me out—"
"Dude, where the hell did you go? Where are you?"
"I'm at Skylar's you won't fucking believe, it — I need you, Vic please help her!"
"Help her? What do you mean 'help her' what's wrong with her is she even okay?"
"No! She's not okay, get you're ass over here and take a fucking look this is not okay!"
His voice was shaky and the conversation stopped after a while. Maybe it was me because I saw Tony's lips moving but everything that made noise was drowned out. Soon enough my eyes begin to close and I just felt the darkness wrap around me again. I didn't know if I was dead, I didn't know if I was alive or still breathing. I wouldn't mind if I wasn't nor would I mind if I was — but what I did mind is that Tony was here and he saw everything and that wasn't okay. It was the worst thing.
"Sky? Skylar, hey — it's me, it's Vic." His voice was so soft, like his hair, soft and shiny and it made me feel so comfortable.
I reached my left hand up to him and grabbed his hair, not grabbed it, but I took a handful and raked my fingers through. I saw him smile at my motions before he took a hold of my own hair and pushed it back out of my face. I noticed Mike sitting in the corner with a handful of tissues clamped between his hands.
I pushed myself up and made out the fact that I was laying on the sofa in my lounge, I also noticed my head was actually laying in Jaime's lap, not on the sofa. I also noticed Tony leaning against the window sill, his head out of the window and the summer breeze ruffling through his short locks. I tried to sit upright but I slumped straight into Jaime's side. His arms dropped over me and he craned his neck to kiss the top of my head.
"There, there, dear Skylar.." He twirled some strands of my hair around his fingers and let me rest against him. I had an idea Jaime didn't really know what was up, but the others obviously did. I noticed how Vic was shaking his head down at Mike and Mike did the same thing up at him.
"Yo Himes, why don't you uh — come with me to go get something to eat — Sky you want anything to eat?" I perked up a little at the sound of food and I lifted my head up to nod at his question,
"Please? Like.. I really just want anything.." My voice was rocky, from all the crying and vomiting I did previously. I didn't know how long it was that I had been out for, I was interested for how long but I didn't necessarily want to know.
"Sure thing gorgeous, c'mon Himes." Jaime groaned before gently getting up, being careful of my state, he motioned over to Mike to come and take his place because Tony was just completely out of the scene. He looked as if he didn't want to be involved in any of this and I don't blame him.
I felt warm again when Mike to Jaime's place on the sofa. I dragged my arm in front of his stomach and clutched to it while resting against his side. His hand rubbed up and down my arm and creepily ran down to my wrist to caress it gently. I felt safe against his touch, I felt safe against all of their touch's and I was glad I knew these boys. But I felt bad for Tony because after him knowing about mine and Mike's little.. I don't know what to call it but after that night it was really awkward. I don't think it was for Mike but for me and Tony maybe a little, I just couldn't put my finger on why.
"Tony?" I managed to croak out. He turned his head instantly before walking over to me and Mike on the sofa.
"Yeah?" He finally answered whilst on the floor, his arm resting on my thighs and his right hand in mine, playing with my fingers.
"I'm so sorry.." I felt Mike sigh beside me and Tony dropped his head at my words.
"Don't be sorry, please Sky."
"But—"
"—Sky," Mike had interjected, Tony and I both looked up at him, "Tony's right, you shouldn't be sorry, it's not your fault.. but," he sighed again.
"I lay there in my bed, wrapped up in tormented white sheets staring up at my ceiling with tear lined eyes. I hated what happened yesterday, I was too ashamed to want to talk to or see those boys again. I knew Tony knew and I hated that Vic knew and I hated that Tony saw what I did with Mike and I hated that I let Mike do that. Everything was not okay any more, it never will be. I can't stand the though of Tony ever finding out anything about my past, or anyone for a matter of fact. Yes, Vic knew that I self harm but I don't ever ever want him to know why I did and I sure did not want his brotherand especially precious Jaime to find out. He's far too happy and cheerful to be knowing my burden of a past. None of them deserved that, especially Tony.
Tony had already called me twice this morning, once at 8 am — then he texted me telling me he was sorry for calling too early — and another two hours after. It was now half one in the afternoon and I had three other texts from Tony, and he seemed pretty worried.
'r you okay? do you need anything?'
'where r you, r u okay?!'
'please answer me, last night scared me and i'm worried bout you :('
Worried about me? That's a joke, nobody has ever been worried about me. See this, right there — I'm a fucking burden. I gave a deep sigh before picking up my thumbs and typing away to all three text messages in one: 'hey, i'm fine, i was asleep and i'm home + yes, i'm fine, don't be worried tony, please :c'
He texted back right away, 'oh good! i'm sorry i called u before, didnt mean to wake u. how about u come over later and we can talk? p.s. i'll always worry about you after last night, nothing u can do about it' Bless him, he was so sweet. But his question made me nauseous, I was completely unsure about going back to the boys' house. The thought of everything, especially last night just made me want to vomit.
It took me a long while to reply to Tony's text, and until I did my hands were shaking and my breathing became uneven: 'yeah sure, maybe real later though okay?' I felt my heart burst against my chest when the tone went off for whenever a new message arrived.
'does 7pm sound good to you? mike, jaime&vic are going out by 630, so we'll have a lot of time' I furrowed my brows at his response.
'why aren't you going with them???'
'i really want to talk to u thats why..' I threw my phone aside and tumbled off my bed before crawling hurriedly to my bathroom. I yanked the door open and threw myself at the already open toilet seat to empty my stomach of whatever was in there. No breakfast, not much to eat last night — maybe it was the bong last night?
Literally, I could feel my intestines swirling around my stomach and my lungs were empty. I had emptied my stomach of everything, even the liquids from crying so much just now. I hated throwing up, it drew me back to my 10th year in school — I would go home and purge a lot, I'd purposely go and throw up in the toilets at school because I just couldn't do it at home. Then that drew me to my old and only friends; the razors blades, the scissors.
Suddenly I had this horrible feeling on my wrists, I kept scratching at them and picking at them at this very moment and it made me even more sick. I looked up at the little orange bag on my black shelf. I stood with shaking legs, still itching my arms and knocked it down to watch it tumble and spill it's contents into my bathtub.
Five fresh, unused razors dropped out of the bathtub and I immediately dived for one of them. I removed the blade itself after minutes of frustration and managed to slice my thumb open in the mean time but it just wasn't enough.
An hour had passed and there were tissues all over the floor, blood staining the marble tiles of the floor and dampening the tissues. Some blood was splattered in the sink and the sight of it just made me throw up three times more. I lay my numb head against the toilet seat, sniffling and whimpering. My throat was so sore and everything just hurt — my arms and lungs especially. This time I had cut even more, so much worse, so much more deeper. That razor did the most damage I've ever created in my entire life and that felt good. I was always a coward when it came to slicing up my wrists. It didn't get worse until I hit 15. Now I'm twenty two and still at it. I'm a pathetic little bitch.
I heard my phone ring and buzz from my bed and I wanted to answer it but I just didn't have the energy to. I pushed my self up from the toilet and yanked heaps of toilet paper off the roll before wrapping it round and round at least five times around my battered wrist. I dragged my body to my still ringing phone and picked it up to see the caller ID
Tony Perry
I stared at it for a while before crashing down onto my floor and sobbing violently. I didn't want to be a filthy burden in his life, that's not what he needed or deserved. I looked down at the screen of my phone and pressed the green button but I put it on speaker phone.
"Hey! Sky—" I gave a heavy weep at how he said my name and took in a sharp breath.
"Sky? Skylar are you okay?!" I wanted to answer but I couldn't manage the words, my throat still killed me and I was completely drained in all sorts of ways. I let out a strained cry and tried to call for his name but nothing would come out.
"Skylar I'm coming over — I don't care what you say!" and just like that he hung up, my phone dropped to the ground with a thump and my cried were desperate but silent. I just sat there, wheezing and rocking back and fourth.
Everything was supposed to be different here! I wasn't supposed to do this! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to get away from everything and get better and be better! I'm a fucking failure!
Tony made his way into my house through the window since I couldn't move from my spot to open the door for him. He had to run back into his house into Vic's room and jump from window to tree to balcony. He managed to unlock the window by barging it with his shoulder, "I'll pay for that, I swear!" He panicked, slowly pushing the window shut and then rushing over to me. I felt his arms over my shoulders and his hands locked together once they were in front of my chest. He was sat down with open legs and pulled me backwards into his body, holding me close and making soft shushing noises. His right hand rested on my forehead, pushing my hair out of my face and the other hand was tightly wrapped around my left wrist. I tried to wriggle it out of his grip but again, I was just completely drained and I couldn't be bothered.
I guess this was it, right? Why does everything go wrong? This was exactly how my not-so-stranger-with-benefits found me, but he left me and told everyone in school. I ran away for two days straight and wasn't found until the third day in Central London by a diner. He left me and betrayed me — my 'stranger' was once my friend, but we didn't think we were meant to be friends so we hit it off in another direction, just not officially if you catch my drift. I didn't want Tony to leave me this way, I didn't want him to leave me at all but I didn't want to keep him here and force him to keep me in his life as nothing but a burden.
My throat was dry and I could no longer cry, so I rolled onto my side just a bit as Tony still held onto my wrist but with my right hand I clutched his shirt and groaned from all the pain that buzzed through my body.
"Skylar, please.. Oh my God.. Oh my God." I felt my fresh scars being exposed to the air and the reaction between the two caused it to burn. I let out a screech and dragged my wrist out of Tony's grip before clutching it to my chest and screaming absent-mindedly at him: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Tony, I'm sorry!" I managed to choke out my words with all the strength I had managed to build up for the while that he held me.
"Hey, Sky it's okay.." His voice was drowned out by my groans and whimpers but through it all I could hear him sniffling and his voice breaking. I shook my head over and over again, "M-m, no it's no-ot!" I coughed roughly before pushing myself up to watch some more vomit splatter out of my system. I felt his hand rubbing my back in circles, round and round. His tough was warm and it made me feel homely, I stopped vomiting and leaned back into Tony's body where he wrapped his arms around me.
One of his arms unwrapped from me after a while and I heard a ringing tone, like when you're calling someone and — "Hello?"
"Vic, you gotta help me out—"
"Dude, where the hell did you go? Where are you?"
"I'm at Skylar's you won't fucking believe, it — I need you, Vic please help her!"
"Help her? What do you mean 'help her' what's wrong with her is she even okay?"
"No! She's not okay, get you're ass over here and take a fucking look this is not okay!"
His voice was shaky and the conversation stopped after a while. Maybe it was me because I saw Tony's lips moving but everything that made noise was drowned out. Soon enough my eyes begin to close and I just felt the darkness wrap around me again. I didn't know if I was dead, I didn't know if I was alive or still breathing. I wouldn't mind if I wasn't nor would I mind if I was — but what I did mind is that Tony was here and he saw everything and that wasn't okay. It was the worst thing.
"Sky? Skylar, hey — it's me, it's Vic." His voice was so soft, like his hair, soft and shiny and it made me feel so comfortable.
I reached my left hand up to him and grabbed his hair, not grabbed it, but I took a handful and raked my fingers through. I saw him smile at my motions before he took a hold of my own hair and pushed it back out of my face. I noticed Mike sitting in the corner with a handful of tissues clamped between his hands.
I pushed myself up and made out the fact that I was laying on the sofa in my lounge, I also noticed my head was actually laying in Jaime's lap, not on the sofa. I also noticed Tony leaning against the window sill, his head out of the window and the summer breeze ruffling through his short locks. I tried to sit upright but I slumped straight into Jaime's side. His arms dropped over me and he craned his neck to kiss the top of my head.
"There, there, dear Skylar.." He twirled some strands of my hair around his fingers and let me rest against him. I had an idea Jaime didn't really know what was up, but the others obviously did. I noticed how Vic was shaking his head down at Mike and Mike did the same thing up at him.
"Yo Himes, why don't you uh — come with me to go get something to eat — Sky you want anything to eat?" I perked up a little at the sound of food and I lifted my head up to nod at his question,
"Please? Like.. I really just want anything.." My voice was rocky, from all the crying and vomiting I did previously. I didn't know how long it was that I had been out for, I was interested for how long but I didn't necessarily want to know.
"Sure thing gorgeous, c'mon Himes." Jaime groaned before gently getting up, being careful of my state, he motioned over to Mike to come and take his place because Tony was just completely out of the scene. He looked as if he didn't want to be involved in any of this and I don't blame him.
I felt warm again when Mike to Jaime's place on the sofa. I dragged my arm in front of his stomach and clutched to it while resting against his side. His hand rubbed up and down my arm and creepily ran down to my wrist to caress it gently. I felt safe against his touch, I felt safe against all of their touch's and I was glad I knew these boys. But I felt bad for Tony because after him knowing about mine and Mike's little.. I don't know what to call it but after that night it was really awkward. I don't think it was for Mike but for me and Tony maybe a little, I just couldn't put my finger on why.
"Tony?" I managed to croak out. He turned his head instantly before walking over to me and Mike on the sofa.
"Yeah?" He finally answered whilst on the floor, his arm resting on my thighs and his right hand in mine, playing with my fingers.
"I'm so sorry.." I felt Mike sigh beside me and Tony dropped his head at my words.
"Don't be sorry, please Sky."
"But—"
"—Sky," Mike had interjected, Tony and I both looked up at him, "Tony's right, you shouldn't be sorry, nothing is your fault." He didn't look at me, but he stared directly into Tony's eyes and I couldn't help by turn to look at Tony who was looking at me. I felt Mike nudge his nose into the side of my head and kiss my temple gently.
"Don't ever be sorry." He whispered into my ear.
Notes
I didn't really want to write anything detailed about SH like in the previous story because it really triggers me just as much and gets me scratching my wrists up but yeah.I guess it was a poor ending but I don't know? Feedback on how I ended this?
7/10/13