I slept in my own bunk that night. Not because Tony had been acting strangely, but just because it was far too complicated to spend an entire night sleeping in the bunk with another person – every time Tony would move, it would make me up, and I’m sure I did the same to him. Plus, we had slept in the same bed the night before, a little separation wouldn’t hurt. I mean, it’s not like we were really separated all that much, however, since we were just across the room from each other.

I didn’t sleep all that much, though. My mind was reeling through my life – as usual – and I couldn’t help but continue to worry about why Tony had that strange moment the day before. The day was amazing…possibly even perfect. I had started making music again, I had performed with the boys again, and Tony and I went on a “date” together. And, I was pretty certain that I was falling in love with Tony. At first I wasn’t too frightened about falling in love with him, but now I was starting to question everything.

Was I not good enough at sex? Did he only want me for sex? Did he not like my new music? Did I say something wrong? Did our date go badly?

I couldn’t see how I could have said something wrong, though. Our conversations were all very light and happy; there was no room for anything wrong to be said. Our date was basically just walking around and eating – so I don’t see how that could be bad. If he didn’t like my new band, that shouldn’t make him act so weird about wanting to kiss me and then looking so sad about it.

And then it came down to the sex. I didn’t think Tony would only want me for sex since he was the one who made it clear first that he wanted a relationship. And looking at Tony’s past, he only had official relationships if he actually meant it. So…was I bad at sex? Was I not satisfying him enough? I couldn’t see how that would be true though, especially after our rough encounter yesterday morning. I basically let Tony do whatever he wanted with me – tying me to the bed, being rough…I even tried to talk dirty for him. How could that be doing something wrong?

I heard Tony sigh and pull his curtain open. His feet hit the floor and I was somewhat expecting him to check up on me, but instead I listened as he pulled his vibrating phone out of his pocket and walked off the bus.

His phone. Tony was on his phone an awful lot yesterday while I was working through the song with the guys. Maybe he was having some problems with his family? Or a friend? Surely there couldn’t be someone, else, right? I was friends with the guys. I was hanging out with them even off tour – surely I would know if Tony had a girlfriend. Plus, Tony wasn’t that kind of guy. He had been cheated on in the past, and I couldn’t imagine that he would be the one doing the cheating.

I remained in my bunk as I heard the rest of the guys get up just as Tony walked back onto the bus.

“You guys want to get breakfast?” Tony asked with a rigid tone.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Vic said slowly, obviously noticing Tony’s different behavior. “Let me see if Jaime and Meedie want to go.”

“Okay,” Tony said.

I was a bit disappointed that Tony wasn’t the one to ask if I wanted to go. And I was a bit disappointed that he didn’t offer to come see me instead of Vic. Maybe I was being clingy? Was that what was throwing Tony off? Was I being an annoying girlfriend?

Vic pulled open my curtain slowly, and peeked into to make sure that I was awake. I looked over to him and his face went from smiling to worried. I figured I must have looked like a mess because of my lack of sleep. “Are you okay?” he whispered very gently.

“I think so,” I mumbled. “I don’t want to go to breakfast,” I answered his question before he could even speak it and then rolled over so my back was facing him.

“We’ll talk later, okay?” he gently smoothed down my hair and placed a brotherly-kiss to the back of my head. “Try to sleep.”

I nodded softly, even though I knew that sleep was out of the question for me. Vic closed the curtain and then headed into the back lounge to ask Jaime if he wanted to go. He returned rather quickly and said, “Guess it’s just us three.”

Tony, Mike, and Vic all left the bus and pretty much the second the door closed behind them, my curtain was being pulled open by Jaime.

“Can I talk to you?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows and a distant look in his eyes. His bottom lip was jutting out, almost in a pout and I could see the anxiety in his expression.

I decided to get ready a bit before sitting down to talk to Jaime. I did my make-up in a drastic, winged-liner with my new favorite wine-colored lipstick. My hair was already in waves from sleeping on it, so I just applied some hairspray to get rid of the frizz. I threw on a comfortable camouflage-printed shirt with some overly-ripped jeans. I changed out my tunnels in my ears after giving them a thorough cleaning and quick massage.

I took a seat on the couch beside Jaime. He still looked nervous and was fidgeting a lot more than he usually did. I had a feeling that this was going to be about Tony. Part of me wanted to avoid this conversation because I wanted to hear about whatever was going on from Tony, but the other part of me was dying to know what was going on, and that part definitely out-weighed any other part.

“I just…I just need to tell you this because I feel like it’s only fair to you,” Jaime began. “Tony told me that he was going to tell you about it eventually, once everything is figured out, but I disagree with that decision and so I’m telling you because I don’t want you sitting here in the dark about things, okay? I don’t care if you confront Tony or whatever about it, and I don’t care if you tell him that I told you – I think he kind of knows that I wanted to tell you about this.”

“Okay, well, what is it?”

“Her name is Faith,” he began with a long sigh.

“Oh,” I breathed out. “So there is someone else…”

“Well, not really. It’s complicated, and that’s why Tony has been quiet about it. They’ve been dating on and off for a while – it was never anything serious, though. They were never official, but there used to be something strong there a long time ago. Now it’s just like their feelings are gone but they keep stringing this thing along because they can. It’s really weird. She doesn’t even live in California, so she’ll fly out every now and then to see him, or they’ll meet up if we pass through wherever she lives. I don’t think it’s just a sexual relationship; I mean, I don’t even know if they have sex at all anymore. It’s just like a comfort-pretend-girlfriend…if that makes any sense at all.”

I was silent for a moment. I wanted to wait or Jaime to continue, but the questions were burning inside of me just like they had been the night before – but now they were all about this mystery woman. I had never heard her name even be mentioned before – let alone had I seen Tony with a girl, ever. Or pictures of him with this girl. Apparently they were trying really hard to keep it a secret, and, well, they were doing a pretty good job. I was about to ask him a few questions, but he continued after gathering what he wanted to say. Which was unusual since Jaime usually talked straight out of his ass – this had to be something different, then. Something much more serious than some complicated ‘relationship’ with some girl named Faith.

“They saw each other before we went on tour, but as soon as we left, they just kind of stopped talking – like they usually do when we go on tour. But I guess something happened and she ended up texting him the other day. Tony’s trying to tell her that things are over – that he’s with you. He’s been trying to end things with her, he really has been…”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “How do you try to end things? Why can’t he just…end it?”

“Well, everything gets much more complicated when there’s a kid involved. Kaysen is almost two and…”

I stopped listening after that. My ears muted over and all I could hear was ringing throughout my head. The only word that seemed to repeat in my head was “kid”. Tony had a kid? With some random girl named Faith? How did nobody mention this before? How could it not be on the internet? How could this be happening?

I felt my heartbeat quickening. I thought it was going to beat so fast that it would just get fed up and stop altogether. Jaime seemed to notice that I wasn’t really listening anymore and stopped talking. He placed a hand on my shoulder and I could see him trying to talk to me. His eyes were wide and staring right into mine, but I still couldn’t hear him. I could hear his voice but all it sounded like that a distant muffle – like somebody was trying to talk to me underwater.

Jaime watched me through confused and worried eyes as I struggled to stand up and make my way out of the bus. I just needed some air and I really needed to get drunk.

I found myself wandering around the parking lot of the venue until I heard Mike and Vic’s laughter from around the corner. They must have just been coming back from breakfast. I began to panic at the thought of seeing Tony. I quickly walked over to All Time Low’s bus and let myself in, not even bothering to knock. I shut the door behind me quickly and then turned around to look through the tinted window. I saw a glimpse of Vic as he began to emerge from around the corner and quickly whipped around before I could see anybody else.

“Meedie…?”

I turned around to see Rian sitting on the couch with a coffee in one hand and his phone in the other.

“Oh, hey, Ri,” I tried to say as casually as I could. “Um, sorry for kind of barging in. I just…yeah. What’s up?” My words came out unstable and quick as I walked over to the couch to sit down next to him.

“Just on twitter and drinking my morning coffee,” he replied. “Are you…okay? You seem a little disoriented or something…”

“Oh! Yeah! I’m fine! Where’s Jack?” I hated myself for how obvious and sketchy I was acting, but I couldn’t help it anymore. I was on the verge of crying and I really needed to get drunk.

“Probably still sleeping. Why?”

“He’s the only person that can start drinking at eleven and still be able to function for show time,” I explained.

Rian gave me a fatherly-type look. One that was so disapproving that it almost made me feel bad for wanting to drink my feelings away, but I just brushed him off and decided to get up and go look for him myself. I opened up all of the bunk curtains, not caring that I had woken up a couple of their crew-members in the process. I finally found Jack curled up in his Adventure Time blanket with drool falling from his mouth.

“Jack,” I said softly as I nudged his shoulder. “Jack, wake up.”

He groaned and turned over.

“Hey Jaaaaccckkk,” I said in a sing-song voice. “Want to get drunk with me right now?”

Jack whipped his head over and began to sit up and rub his eyes. “Yes,” he replied right away.

-

I cursed to myself as I stumbled up the stairs to the venue. Alex steadied me from behind by placing his hands on my hips. “Woah there,” he said with a laugh. “You okay?”

“I’m fucking awesome,” I replied with a dopey grin. I couldn’t exactly see where the next step was in front of me so I decided to just slowly get down on all fours and try to feel where the steps were with my hands so I could just crawl up them.

“What the fuck?” Rian asked while peeking over Alex’s shoulder. “Someone pick her up, we need to get to the pre-show meeting or else Matt’s going to kill us later.”

“No, no, no!” I said as I tried to crawl faster. “I’m like the Rugrats! But before they did that All Grown Up Shit. I liked it better when they were babies.”

“I got it,” Zack said as he came up behind me. He scooped me up, bridal-style, and began to carry me up the stairs, careful not to trip.

I squeezed his arms. “You’re so muscular,” I commented. “Don’t you think so?”

Zack nodded. “Um, yeah, I know.”

“No, not about your muscles. Don’t you think the show was better when they were babies?”

“What?”

“The Rugrats!” I threw my arm up in frustration, angry that he wasn’t following my train of thought. Zack just laughed and agreed with whatever I said to make me happy, which it did. Tony was still in the back of my mind, but I was actually controlling my alcohol-induced thoughts tonight. I wasn’t dwelling over the Tony situation and I wasn’t crying over Marky. Sure, I was sad about each of those things, but for some reason I was still having fun.

“I like being drunk,” I said out loud. I immediately felt stupid for saying such a thing, but by the way the guys all laughed, I could tell that they weren’t judging me or seeing me as too much of a burden. If I would have said that in front of Mike he would understand, but if Vic was there to hear it, his brotherly instincts would have taken over and I would be back on the bus before I could even see the room spin again.

We arrived at our destination and I could hear the rest of the bands all talking behind the closed door. I tapped Zack’s chest and he let me down, very carefully, so I could stand on my own two feet. Carrying me into the dressing room where my boyfriend and “brothers” were probably would make them worry too much. Well, seeing me try to walk would also make them worried.

Zack pushed open the door and I let him and Rian walk through before me. I leaned on Alex a bit as we walked in – I was certain if I could walk all that great and needed someone there just in case my legs decided to stop responding. We walked in and most of the people ignored our entrance, except for the guys of Pierce the Veil, of course. Their eyes immediately shot over to where I entered the room. I could see relief on Vic’s face – he had been calling me all day and I had been ignoring them. Everybody except for Jaime had called me, actually. Jaime knew that I just needed to process what he told me. Well, this was me processing, I guess.

Tony immediately set down whatever was in his hands and marched across the room and right over to my side. My breathing became quicker and I gripped onto Alex a bit more. He noticed Tony and slowly tilted his head back as if in realization.

“That’s why you’ve been hiding away all day,” Jack mumbled softly with a laugh. He kissed the side of my head and went to go mingle with the rest of the guys. I was mad at Jack for leaving me, so I gripped onto Alex even harder.

“Meedie…” Alex said. He looked down at my with a lop-sided smile and a knowing expression. I sighed and let go of his arm so he could go find his tour manager somewhere in the room.

I turned back to the room and Tony was even closer now. He was weaving his way in and out of the crowded room – his eyes dead-set on me. I felt like a child about to be chastised. I could see the anger that was fuming wildly in his eyes. His lips were relaxed though, so I could see that there was some relief in there somewhere, too.

“Hey,” I said. I decided to speak up first to maybe lighten up his anger just a bit. But my voice sounded sour and spiteful. My anger for Tony was starting to come out and I had no control over it at the point.

“Why have you been ignored our calls all day? My calls?” he asked. He sounded genuinely hurt, and I almost felt bad for a minute, but then I caught a glimpse of Jaime’s sad expression from over Tony’s shoulder and it reminded me of why I had been avoiding him all day. How could he act so concerned for me when he basically had a family waiting for him in another state? I was starting to question all of my feelings for Tony and all of his feelings for me.

I tried to just brush him off and walk away, but he placed a firm hand on my arm, squeezing a bit tighter than I would have liked. The anger was back in his eyes and I felt scared. Tony’s grip tightened for a quick second as he pulled me back over to him, very slowly, causing me to stumble back a couple steps.

“Let go.” I didn’t mean for my words to come out so desperate and terrified, but they did. Tony immediately let go of me, hearing my thoughts come out through my words. I had been man-handled by men too many times in my life. My mom’s abusive boyfriends came back into my head for some reason, even though that was the least of my worries in life right now and I never thought about that. Marky’s face popped up into my head as a child – his hair was curly and dirty blonde. His eyes watery and redness lined around them. At home he was always on the verge of tears, and it seemed to be the only way I remembered him to look when we were young. But the image soon distorted in my brain. Young Marky’s eyes began to roll into the back of his head while vomit slowly seeped from his lips and down to his shirt.

I shook my head violently and grasped onto the sides of my head, pulling at the roots of my hair to try and get the image of Marky out of my head. “No, no, no…” I began to chant quietly. “Make it go away, make it stop.”

The meeting was beginning the start in the rest of the room, but before I could even blink, Tony had whisked me away so were standing just outside the dressing room. The voices turned into a muffled hum from through the shut door.

I collapsed into Tony’s arms – not because I wanted him to hold me, necessarily, but just because I couldn’t stand anymore. My mind was flashing through the horrible images of the night of Marky’s death – yet again – and I just wasn’t strong enough to sit through them. Tony wrapped his arms around me without any hesitation and I just shook in his arms, staring blankly at his tattooed arm as I waited for the images to pass.

I saw Young, distorted Marky dodging a blow from my mom’s boyfriend. I saw myself jumping in to protect him from the hit – my face being slapped with a sound pop ringing through the small house. But my protection was only good for so much because Marky had already dropped dead behind me from choking on the vomit that seemed to continuously escape his lips.

“Meedie,” Tony cooed softly. “Talk to me, babe. Tell me what’s going on.”

Tony brought me back from my images and I scoffed at his words. I felt him tense up in confusion before I pushed myself away from his grasp. I pushed him back against the wall and pointed a finger at him, ready to say something to him about how he had been a liar and how he had been keeping things from me, but I decided that this wasn’t the time or the place for that.

The dressing room door burst open as the members began to pile out of the room, all heading to their own rooms – You Me at Six walked past to go get ready for their set. Vic, Mike, and Jaime were all still in the room so I knew that this must have been their room. Vic peeked his head out and saw us standing there. He shot us a panicked and somewhat angered expression when he realized that we had skipped out on the entire meeting.

“Guys, come on,” Vic said sternly. “You could have been with each other all day, don’t do this before the show. You know that we are all-“

I cut Vic off by pushing Tony away from me once again and turning around quickly.

“Meedie?” Vic called after me. “Meedie!” he yelled this time, hoping to get me to come back.

I didn’t look back, though. I just kept walking until I eventually found myself out in the lobby of the venue. I continued to wander around casually, just trying to find a way out of the building. People were moving out of my way, staring at me with shock and excitement. I needed to get out of there or else I was going to cause a scene in front of the fans, and that was the last thing I needed. It was already obvious that I was drunk, and the last thing I needed was to give them a reason to start talking shit on twitter or instagram. I never usually let the hate get to me, but for some reason the thought of the fans hating on me in that moment really made me scared and hurt.

I finally found some side doors and pushed them open, exiting the venue quickly and finding my way back over to the buses.

-

I never made my way back to the venue to perform with the guys, and I didn’t even feel bad about it. I would have been a mess up there and would probably ended up tripping Tony on purpose or something. The tension would be noticeable on stage and I didn’t want to ruin the experience for the fans. It was the best if I just skipped out on it entirely.

As I was hunched over the toilet, puking the alcohol out of my system, I thought that maybe I should just skip out on the rest of the tour entirely. It was fun while it lasted, but I was forcing it. I had agreed to go on the tour because I was afraid of upsetting Vic and the guys by refusing their offer of me to tag along. I wasn’t ready to be out in the world yet. I wasn’t ready to completely accept Marky’s death – clearly. I wasn’t ready for any of this.

I stood up and brushed my teeth at least four times before I felt better again. As I rinsed my face a bit, careful to not disturb my makeup, a painful realization struck through my body. I was doing it again. Marky wasn’t ready to go on tour while he was trying to get clean, but I agreed to it anyway because I didn’t want to upset him and have him be angry with me. This time, I agreed to go on tour so I wouldn’t upset Vic or have him worry about me. I was in a vulnerable state, just like Marky was. Really, I should be back at home in San Diego – maybe attending some grief counseling or even seeing a therapist on a regular basis about my entire life.

And then another realization struck me, causing my knees to buckle and my body to collapse over the counter before painfully slipping onto the floor. I was doing it yet again – drinking myself into oblivion and hating my life. Why couldn’t I just stop? Why couldn’t my life just be normal for once?

The door to the bathroom burst open quickly to reveal Tony and Vic, both freshly showered and looking handsome in fresh, clean clothes. Their faces were panicked though and Tony looked terrified.

“I didn’t do anything stupid,” I said, waving them off, making sure to flash them my wrists in the process. I felt the tension ease, but they still stood there, watching over me as I sat on the floor in a drunken mess. Even after puking for an hour or so, I was still completely drunk. “I don’t want to be drunk anymore,” I admitted as I began to sob uncontrollably. “I hate this.”

Vic immediately dropped to his knees and pulled me into his body while Tony remained still. I cried into Vic’s chest, holding onto him tightly. I held onto Vic like how I wanted to hold on to Marky – I clutched his arms tightly and then wrapped my limbs around him, completely pulling him up against me and burying my head into his neck.

Vic stood up and carried me into my bunk, but I didn’t want to be alone while I slept. No tonight. “Please don’t make me sleep alone tonight,” I muttered as he tucked me in.

Vic looked over to Tony who had followed us over to the bunks. Tony began to step forward, ready to climb in behind me, but I quickly stopped him – and a bit too obviously, might I add. “No! I want Vic,” I said. I didn’t look at Tony, but I could only imagine the look of sadness that was on his face as he awkwardly turned around and left the area.

“I need a brother,” I clarified, loud enough so hopefully Tony would hear and understand. Even though he didn’t deserve much of an explanation from me.

Vic smiled sadly and kicked off his shoes before climbing into the bunk with me and pulling me back into his chest. I cuddled up to him and the tears began to fall once again.

“Meedie? What’s wrong?” Marky gave me a sad smile while pulling back the curtain to my bunk. “You’ve been in a funk all day and it’s worrying me.”

I wiped my eyes the best I could. I hated being seen as so weak, especially in front of Marky. I had been strong for him my entire life – I was always the collected one. The one with the thick-skin and the bulletproof emotions. I hated for him to see me cry. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

Marky sighed. “Miranda, you can’t lie to me. I know you better than anybody. Scoot over, I’m coming in.”

I listened to what he said and I scooted over so he could slide in beside me. He pulled me into his side and gently rubbed my arm while I continued to cry. “It’s okay to need your brother when you’re sad, Miranda. I know you’re tough, but you’re also human.”

I nodded and smiled a bit at his words. “She cheated on me, Marky.”

Marky sighed loudly, obviously frustrated.

“I love her. And she cheated on me.”

“I’m not going to say ‘I told you so,’ but I did try to warn you about her.”

I nodded. “I know, and you were right. Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Marky shrugged a bit. “In some cases. But people can change their ways – for the better and also for the worst. Sometimes you can see it coming, but most times it happens to the people you’d least expect. It’s all a part of life.”

“When did you get so wise? You’re younger than me. Go cry! I’m supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around,” I laughed. My tears had stopped flowing and now I was starting to feel a bit better about everything.

“Well, you raised me this way,” Marky laughed.

I smiled widely and hugged him tighter, never wanting to let go of my beloved little brother.

Notes

Meedie's Outfit

Sorry it took me a million years to update this for you! It's been a rough week. I'm trying to figure out my loans and all that jazz to go back to university. Lots of crying and phone calls and scrambling. My school decided to screw me over this year and I'm trying to get them to match the loans I got last year but ugh it's so complicated and they are NOT helpful at all. Anyway, that's what I've been doing. That, and I went back to work (I work at the High School I graduated from as an assistant teacher, basically). So I've been tired from that.

What do you guys think about the Tony situation?! Yikes, right?! Tell me your thoughts and reactions! I'd love to hear them! Thank you guys, love you all xoxo