Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fucking shit. Fuck.

Why didn’t he listen to me? I told him that guy was trouble but no, he thought I was being stupid. Well shit, that’s what he gets.

You don’t mean that.

I sighed. I didn’t mean it; I was just angry and scared for him. I sat next to him as he laid lifeless on the bed. I brought Kellin back to my house after I saw that bitch that was his date touch him. I didn’t see him put something in Kell’s drink but the way he was looking at him all night was suspicious. Kellin’s an attractive guy and all but that dude stared at him like he was a piece of meat. It was disgusting. When I saw Kellin start to lose his composure the more he drank I put two and two together. Then the guy touched him and I knew I had to step in. Kellin hated being touched in that way unless it was with someone he trusted. I knew that for a fact.

I rubbed my face with my hands and refocused on Kellin. Mike had helped me carry him to my car and into my bed after I decked the guy who was touching him. It’d been about two hours and Kell was still passed out. His breathing was faint but I was sure it was there. His skin was paler than usual but I had read that the color would come back once he woke up and had something in his system besides alcohol and drugs.

Fuck, I needed to kill that guy. I clenched my fists at the thought. That fucker tried to rape Kellin. He did everything in his power to make sure that Kell was vulnerable then he made his move. People like that made me sick. I swear, if I saw that guy again I would be the last thing he saw.

An image of Kellin telling me to calm down floated into my thoughts. Fake Kellin was right though, this wasn’t the way to go. I needed to make sure real Kellin was okay before I thought about killing the guy who deserved it.

My phone vibrated in my pocket for the thousandth time. I ignored it like I had done the others and looked at the guest in my bed. I knew it was Danielle who was texting and calling. I had kinda ditched her at the party but I told Jaime to make sure she got home safe. I guess she didn’t like that idea because she wouldn’t let up on the messages. Oh well, she wasn’t a priority at the moment.

I looked down once again at Kell’s face; I studied his fragile features. Why did this have to happen to him? Why did I let up? I should’ve dragged him out of that house before he took that drink. I should’ve fought for his safety.

I should’ve fought for him.

As much as I hated dwelling on that, I knew that that was where my thoughts were heading. I should’ve fought for Kellin. I should’ve manned up. Why did I let him walk away? If we were still together none of this would’ve happened. We would be happy and he would be awake. He wouldn’t need consoling for the emotional damage that guy did to him because there wouldn’t be another guy. Why was I such an idiot?

Why couldn’t I just say the stupid words? Why couldn’t I just look into his beautiful eyes and tell him I loved him? Better yet, why did I keep acting like I didn’t? The last few days had been filled with me trying to convince myself that I was happy in my current situation when all along I noticed Kellin struggling to keep it together and it killed me. I wasn’t keeping it together either but at least I had Dani as a distraction. Kellin had no one.

It killed me to know I’d hurt him so much, much of it being on purpose. I just wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me but I knew he didn’t hurt me intentionally. Everything that went wrong in our relationship was my fault and yet I was too stuck in my own head to admit it. The only thing I’d been able to admit to myself was that I missed Kellin like the sky misses the sun on extremely cloudy days.

“Kellin?” I said in a hushed voice, as if not to wake him. He didn’t move anyway. “Kellin I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I was an idiot. I’m sorry I let you go through all the shit you went through these last few months. It’s all my fault and I’m so fucking sorry, but please Kells, wake up so you can tell me you forgive me.

“I wasn’t the best to you and I know that. You can say I took you for granted and I’ll own up to it. I didn’t treat you the way you needed to be treated. I was scared. I didn’t want our relationship to change if I told you I loved you. I’ve never been good with love so I panicked once I realized what was going on. It was stupid.

“I do love you Kellin. I love you so much. Even now, when you look like death is giving you the once-over, you still look perfect. Please wake up so I can say this to your conscious face. Please wake up so I can fix this. I miss you Quinn, I miss you bad. I need you. You have to stay with me.”

Tears were streaming down my face as I looked upon the man I had just poured my heart out to. Nothing. No response. I sighed deeply and stood from my seat next to the bed. I needed water or something. Also, Danielle had called again. I guess I needed to answer eventually. I walked down the stairs to the kitchen while sliding the notification that said that Dani had called.

“Yeah?” her pissed off voice spoke through the speaker. I chewed on my lip as I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.

“Hey.”

“Vic what the fuck? How could you just up and leave me here alone? You didn’t even tell me where you were going and then you ignore all my calls and texts for hours. What’s going on?”

I sighed. “Nothing, just some things I had to take care of at home,” I lied. She didn’t seem to question it.

“Fine but next time don’t abandon me. We’re in this together you know.” I nodded before I realized that she couldn’t see me.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Should I come over?”

“No,” I answered quickly. Dani didn’t know anything about my sexual orientation. As far as she was concerned, Kell was short for Kelly which was why I always referred to him by that name. If Dani came by and saw Kell in my bed she’d ask too many questions that I wouldn’t want to answer.

“I’ve got things taken care of over here,” I added. “Get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Alright then, I guess,” she said hesitantly. “Goodnight.”

“Night.” I ended the call and went back up the stairs with my water in hand. I sat back in my original spot. I looked at the fragile being in my bed. He hadn’t moved since I left, at least it looked like he hadn’t. Then again he didn’t move at all since Mike and I put him in bed hours ago. The only thing assuring me that he was still alive was the fact that his breath would slightly hitch. That always happened every time slept.

3:16 AM. It’d been three hours since the incident. No change in anything. I held his hand and stroked the top of it with my thumb. I knew he liked that. I basically knew everything about him. Being in this position made me realize that I knew him better than I knew myself.

A yawn escaped my mouth, making notice just how long I’d been up. As much as I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t. I wanted to be alert when Kellin woke up. I wanted to be the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes. Sadly, mine were closing. As much as I tried to fight it, fatigue won. I rested my head on the mattress and let the feeling drowsiness combine with my state of worry.

An hour wouldn’t hurt.

***

I was awaken by a knee making contact with my face.

Fuck that hurt.

I got up slowly and looked at my surroundings. Nothing had changed in the room besides the fact that Kellin was almost curled up in a ball. I looked at the clock on the bedside table that read 7:26. I didn’t wanna wake Kell but he needed to eat something. Besides, he was finally moving so now would be as good a time as any.

I didn’t have to do anything though because his eyes fluttered open. I gave him a slight smile once his gaze focused on me.

“Hi there,” I spoke. He sat up slowly and looked down at the bed. I followed his eyes to see what he was looking at. I was still holding his hand. I slowly took mine off of his and ran it through my hair. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” he answered in a scratchy voice. I handed him my water bottle and watched as he drank the entire thing.

“You hungry? I could make you something.”

“You don’t cook.”

“Yeah but I can make some mean scrambled eggs.” He chuckled at my statement before sitting back against the pillow.

“Some eggs would be great.” I smiled.

“Be right back.” After making Kell’s meal in the quietest manner possible I hustled back upstairs with a tray of his food and apple juice. He was still in bed when I got back to the room.

“Thanks,” he said and dug in. I watched him eat and felt at ease. Kellin was finally awake and seemed to be doing fine. I knew his body needed time to recover from last night’s events but other than that he looked like he was gonna be able to make it through the day.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I snapped out of my thoughts and focused on the look on Kell’s face. He was looking back at me with little pieces of egg around his mouth. I laughed softly and sat back in my original seat.

“Do you remember anything from last night?” I asked. He twisted his face and looked down at the plate.

“I remember Tyler and the drinks. After he started touching me it went dark.” I nodded.

“Anything else?” I asked carefully.

“I don’t wanna think about it if that’s okay.”

“Sure thing.” He pushed the remaining eggs around on the plate but never put them in his mouth. I hated to think that I ruined the appetite that he needed.

“I’d like to take a shower,” he said after some time. I nodded and walked to my closet. After taking out a towel I pointed him in the direction of the bathroom. He left, giving me the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts.

I thought about what Kell had said as I straightened up the bed. He was so broken but I knew he was trying to keep it together. It was my fault he had to go through this. I pushed him away. I pushed the subject. All I did to him was push. Push and push until he fell off the cliff. He almost died on the jagged rocks last night.

“I just want you to be okay,” I heard myself whisper out loud. “I’m sorry I can’t make you okay. I’m sorry all I do is hurt you.”

“You don’t hurt me.” I quickly turned around and saw Kellin standing in the doorway with the towel wrapped around his waist.

“You heard that?”

‘I heard a lot of things.” I gave him a questioning look. “Last night.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What you said last night.”

“I didn’t-”

“You said you loved me.” My whole body froze. He heard that?

“How did you….?”

“I went in and out for most of the night, but yeah, I heard you.”

“Kellin-”

“Did you mean it or were you just saying it because you thought I was gonna die?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“A question that needs an answer. Please Vic, be honest with me for once. Did you mean what you said?”

I took in a deep breath and let it out in a loud sigh. Who was I to deny him?

“Yes. I mean, I was worried about you which is probably why I said it but I did mean it. I meant every word. I love you Kellin Quinn, and I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t say anything. I watched in anticipation as his wet figure made its way from the door to me. He grabbed my face with both hands and pulled me into a passionate kiss, one that I didn’t resist. He pressed his body against mine to push me onto the bed. His fingers tangled themselves in my hair and my hands roamed across his bare, wet chest. Soon my clothes were off and his towel had disappeared. We wrapped around each other for what felt like hours, touching, kissing, and loving in every way and position possible, as if to make up for lost time.

For the first time in months, everything felt right.

Notes