Naira: I didn’t want to bring this up with the guys still there
Naira: but
Naira: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, MAYA?!
Naira: EXPLAIN
Maya: I mean, like, it just kind of happened
Naira: YOU THINK I’LL BE SATISFIED WITH THAT?
Naira: I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN’T LIKE HIM LIKE THAT.
Maya: And you believed me?
Naira: OF COURSE I DIDN’T, BUT YOU’RE CONFUSING AS FUCK, MAYA
Maya: I like how you’re still using proper grammar and punctuation when you’re mad
Naira: MAYA
Maya: Alright, alright. You can stop with the capslock. I will tell you what happened.

Maya’s POV
A long time ago, I taught myself not to expect too much from life. When I was a little kid I had my entire life planned out. I knew exactly what I wanted to happen for my life to be perfect. A clear vision of a future filled with princess dresses, glitter and as much toys as I could possible wish for. And when those predictions didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to, I always got very upset. Not necessarily angry, I was mostly just sad.
Only in my late ‘adult’ years, I learned that life never turns out the way you expect it to go and that that doesn’t always make it a bad thing. Even if things turn out the way you want, it’s mostly a disappointment. Things just always seem so much better in your head. So from then on, I went through life not expecting anything and it let to the amazing quality of me not being surprised by anything. I just went with whatever life threw at me and it gave so much more rest to my mind. It particularly worked on people, since they tend to surprise in a bad way. I would know, as a psychologist after all.
The only person that often still surprised me was Mike. For some reason I could never really figure him out. It was like he lived the way I did, not expecting too much from anything. He did things so sudden, that they must have been made up right on the spot. He went with what life threw at him and worked through it, making the best of everything.
As we stepped out of the house into my messy yard, the artificial light of my lamps made place for the cold, but soothing light of the stars. Or at least, the little amount of stars that was visible in an urban area like this. Our steps felt a little soggy, since the grass was slightly damp.
Mike took a brand new pack of cigarettes out of the back pocket on his jeans and started to tear at the little tag of the thin plastic layer covering the box. He put the plastic into his jeans and opened the pack in one smooth move, like only a true addict could do.
He hastily put one of the cigarettes between his teeth as he mumbled: “Well, after all of this, I think I deserve one of these.” He grinned like it was a joke and all I could think about was how he could possibly think of this so lightly.
I let out a weak smile as I took over the cigarette he offered me. When the tobacco entered my lungs, it didn’t quite relax my confusion and shock as much as I wanted it to. My best friend had been attacked by men on the streets. I almost got sick thinking about what they had done to her and of how scared she must’ve been. I had lived in the city my entire life. I knew how to handle myself in moments like that. But she, she had spent her younger years in a small town, where things like this did happen, but not as often as here.
“Do I even want to know what happened?” I asked, not knowing if I’d be better of knowing all the horrific details of this incident or not.
Mike blew out a thick cloud of smoke, indicating that he had inhaled deeply. “That depends. Do you think you’d beat yourself up about it if you knew. You know, because you weren’t there to do anything?” he asked.
It was like he dropped a stone in my stomach. Damn, I hated that this had happened when I wasn’t there to protect her. It was like I could never really help her. First the tourettes thing and now this.
Mike looked at my face that had dropped completely. “Oh god, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, there’s nothing you could’ve done and I know you: you’ll feel guilty anyway. So, it’d only make it worse if you knew the details.” he said panicked, not wanting to upset me.
I shot him another weak smile. “No, you’re right. It doesn’t help anyone if I get upset about this.” I said taking a big hit from my cigarette. Like a real pro I did it without coughing and I felt not phased by it at all.
Mike let out a short laugh. “You smoke too much. I guess, I have a bad influence on you.” he said.
He was making a joke, but I couldn’t really laugh about it. Mike would be the last person to have a bad influence on me. True, I drank and smoked too much when he was around, but those things felt unnecessary of bringing up. I never cared much for my health anyway.
If anything, I’d say he brought out the best in me. I didn’t have to be ladylike, normal or well-mannered around him. He made me feel like I didn’t have to hold back on my personality. I could be my most imperfect self around him. It had changed a bit after our kiss, but it was still the way our friendship worked.
“Well, I could never be a chainsmoker like you are. I neither have the money nor the time for it.” I said jokingly, trying to sound as normal as possible.
Mike looked at the side of my face and turned his a little. “You seem a little out of it. Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked me.
I nodded while taking a hit from my cigarette. “Yes, I’m fine. Just processing everything.” I said, little puffs of white smoke escaping through my teeth as I did so. “I just can’t believe you would do such a thing for her.”I mumbled, more to myself than to him.
But that didn’t matter, he had heard me and turned around swiftly. “Of course I would. Did you think I would’ve just let those guys have their way? True, me and Naira weren’t on great terms, but I would’ve never been able to live with myself if I hadn’t punched one of those guys in the face. Besides that, I would’ve been too ashamed to ever show my face to you or my brother again.” he said and his eyes burned so much, that I couldn’t help but look at them. My stomach started spinning around as I did.
He was right, though. Even though I never realized it, Mike has always been there at exactly the right place and right time. He was there during the whole Jaime thing and my fight with Naira. Tonight, when he and Naira told the group what had happened, I had been so surprised with Mike being such a hero and saving Naira from those horrible guys. Not by knowing he’d do such a thing, but by realizing he had always been doing such things. He always had been a hero.
As I felt my cheeks turning red, I turned away my gaze. “Well thank you at least. Thank you for saving and helping her. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been there…” I said, my mind involuntarily filling with scenario’s in which Naira wouldn’t have been saved.
“Hey, don’t think about that.” Mike said in a comforting way as he pushed a stray of my hair behind my ear. Normally I wouldn’t have been phased by a move like this, but now I couldn’t help but read more into it. “Everything ended well. But I do think you should talk to her about it sometime. I think you’re the only one who really knows what’s going on in her mind right now.”
I nodded, trying really hard not to look up. “Yeah, you’re right.” I mumbled. I suddenly felt my fingers getting warmer and realized that my cigarette had almost burned up. I pushed it out in the ashtray on the stone bench behind me.
Mike held up the open package to me and without a trace of doubt in my mind I took one out. As I did so, I couldn’t help but notice the red spots on his hands. The skin around his knuckles had turned a deep shade of red. I took his hand with the hand that wasn’t holding a cigarette and brought it closer to my eyes. It wasn’t bleeding, but it definitely didn’t look like nothing. “I really think you should ice this, Mike.” I said, inspecting his wounds a little more.
He lightly shook his head. “No, it’s okay really. It looks worse than it feels. The guy just had a hard head.” he said grinning.
I chuckled. “That seems to be a symptom of having an empty head.” I said, tracing over his knuckles with my thumb. I was definitely holding his hand longer than necessary, but he didn’t seem to mind very much.
He stepped a little closer to me and as he did that, I suddenly realized what I was doing. I quickly let go of his hand and looked to the ground. What the hell was I doing? It was like I had suddenly accepted my feelings for him and I was definitely not planning on doing that anytime soon.
But a side of me was wondering why I was still pushing these feelings away. Mike was amazing and I’ve only realized that more and more over the last few weeks. He was honest, funny and sweeter than most people gave him credit for.
But even though it was very unlikely he would ever hurt me, I thought the same about Jaime and look where that got me. Besides, maybe he doesn’t even like me back. I never really noticed any changes in his behavior or something. But then again, he was so difficult to read.
I didn’t want this. Let that be clear. But maybe there was no fighting it anymore. Maybe it was best to just accept that I was falling for him, so I could start moving on.
“Really, I’m fine. You shouldn’t worry about me.” he said, like our little, awkward incident didn’t happen.
It didn’t really help my thinking process that he was standing right in front of me. I kept getting distracted. “Of course I’ll worry about you.” I sighed “You’re my best friend.” I said and looked up to him with a weak smile.
Ironically he had a worried look on his face when I looked at him, but it slowly softened into a smile. “Good to know. Sometimes I wonder if you still like me. You have a tendency to push me away.” he said and he added a short laugh at the end to make it not seem like an insult.
I shuffled my feet and looked at the silhouette of a tree against the starry night sky. “Well, I do that to everyone, so don’t feel special.” I said, maybe a little bit harsher than I wanted it to sound. “But I guess I push you away less than others. So maybe you should feel special about that.” I added. What the hell was I saying? He couldn’t know that I was attracted to him! I was going to get over him!
I forgot all about moving on when he stepped closer to me once again and took my chin inside his hand so I couldn’t step away anymore. My mind got all foggy, like I was drunk and my initial panic seemed so far away. His brown eyes moved from my eyes to my lips and lingered there for a while.
I remembered our first kiss a few weeks and found myself hoping he would do it again. For a short moment it seemed like it was actually going to happen. He leaned in and stepped even closer to me. But just before it was about to happen he let go of my chin and took a step back.
At first I didn’t really understand why. It seemed like he had a sudden realisation, but all I could think about was that he probably didn’t like me the way I liked him and that he didn’t want to make me think that I did. “I’m sorry, I got caught up again…” he said, actively avoiding my eyes. “I know that you said that you didn’t want this...but you look so...and this place...and the lighting.”
It was only when I saw the hurt expression on his face when I realized what he meant. I had been upset about our first kiss and asked him to not do it again. He just didn’t want to hurt me.
I chuckled when I realized he wanted to kiss me just as much as I wanted to kiss him. “Are you actually blaming the lighting?” I asked teasing him.
He opened his mouth to say something back, but closed it when he saw my smiling face. His expression relaxed a bit too, but there still seemed to be a bit of nervousness in his stature. “Well, moonlight doesn’t particularly help.” he said jokingly.
I took a step in his direction and took a hold of the collar of his flannel. “It really doesn’t, does it?” I said looking him straight in the eyes. I saw a sparkle appear in them and I pulled him a little closer to me until I could feel the heat of his breath on my face.
For a moment I hesitated. I was my own worst enemy when it came to moments like this. But the moment of doubt was soon overshadowed by the warm feeling in my stomach and I took the leap. Only when I felt his lips on mine, the nervous feeling in my chest exploded and spread like sparks through the rest of my body.
There was no trace of doubt left in my mind as we slowly moved our lips, like we were still a bit cautious. I felt Mike’s hand wrap around my back and slowly making circles on it. I held on for dear life to the collar of his flannel as I intensified the kiss. It sounds stupid, but I really didn’t know how long we were standing there, I just didn’t want to break it off. I moved my arms to the back of his neck and let them rest there, my cigarette still in between my fingers. Everything was comfortable and perfect. Just like the first time.
It was only when I heard the sound of something dropping behind me, that I broke off the kiss and turned around. I saw Naira on the other side of the window picking up her slushee that she had just dropped on the floor. It didn’t look like she had seen anything, but I knew better. She had probably dropped the cup because she saw us kissing.
Well shit. I guess I had to deal with that later. I saw her shoot me a meaningful look before she walked off towards the living room.
“Oh shit.” Mike said from behind me, his hand still lingering on my back.
“Yeah, I’ve got a lot of explaining to.” I said turning around again and meeting Mike’s face. He had a big grin on his face. It was the kind of grin I recognized from times he was bragging about a girl he liked. It made me nervous to think that I was that girl now. “She’s probably not the only one I should explain things to.”
He chuckled and nodded his head. “It’s probably best if we talk things out.” he said, agreeing with me.
The thing was: I didn’t want to have this conversation with him yet. I didn’t know how he felt about me, but even though I couldn’t hide my feelings towards him anymore, I still felt like it was a bad idea for us to actually get together. Granted, this had just been a kiss, but this was what this conversation was going to lead to eventually. To the question if we wanted to date each other. I just couldn’t help but compare this situation to the one with Jaime.
When he saw my confused expression, he moved one hand from my back and traced his fingers over my cheek. “You don’t want to talk about this yet, do you?” he said, basically reading my mind.
I sighed and felt like I owed him an explanation even though he probably understood. “Look, I don’t know what you feel or what you want, but I just don’t want to think about what we are yet. I was hurt, Mike. And I know you would never do what he did, but I never want to be hurt like that again.” I said as honest as I could bear myself to be.
He nodded as he took his fingers of my face. “I get it. It’s okay. As long as you don’t start ignoring me again like last time.” he added.
I laughed at my own foolishness. I was so stupid running for my feelings all this time. I felt way better now I had accepted them. “I won’t. We can just act normal around each other for now. And maybe sneak in a little kiss from time to time.” I said seducing and moved my face a little closer to his.
The grin appeared on his face again, but this time it was even bigger. “That sounds about alright.” he said as he placed his hand on my back again and pulled me closer to him. “How about right now?”
I chuckled and put my finger on my chin, making it seem like I was thinking about it while the answer was very clear to me. “Now seems like an okay time.” I said after a few seconds of fake thinking.
When I felt his lips on mine again, I felt like it would all be alright. I was okay with this for now. I had come to terms with myself and that was a whole step for me. The fact that Mike wanted to wait for me at least told me that he at least partly felt what I felt. I think we both needed to think about we wanted and that would take time. But that was okay. As long as we could fill that time with moments like this.

Notes

heyyy guys,

my username feels weird now that Chester is dead...(Iwannabemorelikeme). It definitely has a double meaning now...Oh well rest in peace, legend.

But the real shizzle-me-nizzle is on right now, guys ;)

xxxx

Iwannabemorelikeme