But Where's Your Heart?

I change and the first thing I notice is how good Tony's clothes smell. I turn off the lights and climb into bed, closing my eyes and trying to sleep but failing miserably. See, I've always had this problem but lately it's been getting worse, sometimes to the point where I don't get any sleep at all.

I stare blankly at the ceiling for a good amount of time before I remember that I have my phone on me. I get out from under bed sheets and scurry to where my pants are. I take my phone out of my back pocket and jump back under the sheets. I put in my earbuds and search through my playlist to find a song that would be perfect right now. I finally stop and choose "The Last Lost Continent" by La Dispute. I just can't get enough when it comes to them. They make the purest of poetry, with simple words and simple sounds but in such an intense way, it's insane. The song starts and I lose all feel over my body and mind.

"I felt your sickness brush against my arm as I walked by you, heard your voice but couldn't tell that it was you..."

I was silently singing along until my absolute favourite part of the song came on and I couldn't stop myself from singing a bit louder.

"But I still see him, dead in the parking lot, by the gas station just down the street and i still hear my friend say 'you know you wouldn't believe the things I saw when I was stationed over seas' but he somehow kept smiling in spite of all that, while I keep finding ways to push the good out for the bad"

And I mentally prepare myself for what I'm about to say next.

"Oh how selfish of myself to always say that it was more that I could take, like it was pain I couldn't shake, like it could break me with its fingers, throw my body in the lake and I would slowly sink away but the truth is it was sorrow that I made and would not face. See I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past and I am always tearing sutures to make the anguish last, like it defines me or reminds me. I've found comfort in my suffering, and uncertainty and happiness in death because what's next is such a mystery to me. I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot see. Friends and family, put your hand into my hand and lay your head into my chest. You are all that I have left here and we are an that we have left"

By this point I'm crying. I've heard this song so many fucking times but whenever I get to that part of the song I just can't take it because I'm a selfish asshole there are people who have been through so much worse things in their life and here I am, drinking and feeling sorry for myself because I've lost a few people. I've been kidnapped twice, but what about veterans, for example, they have WATCHED people die, they've had to kill others and then when they come home, some of them end up homeless because their families have stopped giving a shit about them!

I hear the door handle click and I jump at the sound.

Shit, I woke him up. Now he's going to think I'm crazy for crying in the middle of the night and he's going to tell my mom then she's going to send to a mental institution all because I so fucking sensitive and fragile, hearing a fucking song makes me cry.

I hate myself.

TONY'S POV

I handed Andie the clothes and I walked back to my room. I turned off the lights, took of my clothes and got into bed. I prefer to sleep naked, but I dunno it's just a thing.

I wonder if Andie sleeps naked, but because she's my not in her own house, she asked to borrow pyjamas, and she's so gorgeous I could only imagine... No no no no no no no no no. No. Stop. We're nowhere near that stage and thinking that of a friend is wrong, no matter how fucking amazing she looks. Oh, and I can't wait to see her in her Halloween costume, I just hope I can... contain myself.

I turn to my left with my head resting on my arm.

I wonder if Vic really does have feelings that strong for Andrea, and what if she likes him back? Do I not even have a chance at all? Should I keep trying? I mean she's literally in the room next to me and she's not taking to Vic any time soon, I guess I have a head start. Wait but what about that other guy? The Dutch one from Canada? She said that he's coming to visit her... And if he's coming all this way just for her then I guess he really loves her, more than me and Vic ever will. And I can tell by the way she talks about him that she still loves him. Do I really want to get in the middle of that? No, but she's here in San Diego with me, not in Canada with him. Everyone knows long distance relationships never work, so why bother? I just hope she likes me back, or this whole thing would be for nothing.

But why would she like me? Wouldn't she have said something already? Especially tonight when we were talking, she had a few drinks, wouldn't she have said something then? I mean I get it, I'm a shy guy who can't even speak to people without stuttering, I'm not that good looking too, maybe she really only wants to be friends and if that's what she wants I'll respect that but I'll always have a broken heart.

I furrowed my brows and sat up at the sound of someone crying. It wasn't loud but I could still hear it. I got up, opened the door and put my ear on the guest room door. It was her. I was about to walk in when I realised I was still naked. I tiptoed back to my room, threw on some shirt and a pair of shorts and opened her door quietly. She looked at me and sat up.

"Hey are you ok?" I said walking in.

"Yeah, uh, I'm so sorry I woke you up, I–"

"No, no it's fine, I didn't think I was going to sleep tonight anyways "

She shuffled over a bit and patted the area next to her. I smiled and sat down.

"Why are you crying?"

She chuckled a bit before answering "stupid reasons"

"You wanna tell me?" She shook her head and laid on my shoulder.

"Oh come, I cry for stupid reasons all the time, for example, a few days ago I saw a squirrel get run over by a car, so I ran home and cried "

She giggled. "See but thats because you were morning the loss of a little animal, anyone would cry but my reason really is stupid"

I hesitantly put my arm around her and rubbed her back.

"Please? Because I'm curious and a little nosey?" She giggled again.

"See, I was just listening to this song and I have a tendancy to over think things and I started to cry and it was just really stupid and I'm just way too sensitive"

"that's not stupid, like at all. What's music if you can't feel it? I cry all the time to music too but because you said it was stupid reason, I used to squirrel thing as an example "

"Really?"

"One hundred percent, can I hear the song? "

She turned over so she now has her head in my lap and was faced me. Then, she scrunched one side of her mouth, as though she was thinking about it, and finally nodded. She reached over and grabbed her phone then played a song. I close my eyes as it started and leaned back a bit.

The song finished and I opened my eyes. I stared at the wall across the room and remained silent. I sat up straight again and looked down at her. I know what she feels now. I know what she meant when she said " I've been through a lot this year" I get her now. I understand.

She looked at me with an indescribable face. I saw fear, I saw anxiousness, and maybe a little bit of hope too.

"Andrea, I don't even know...I can't even describe... No words could explain...." I looked her in the eyes. " i don't know what to say "

She sat up, still on my lap, turned and straddled me. She put her arms around my torso and hugged me.

"You understand now" she whispered ever so softly into my ear. And when she pulled back, I wanted to kiss her. Her lips were so close to mine, I couldn't take it. My eyes flicked back and forth between her eyes and her lips and I could tell she was doing the same to me.

I love her now. I can say it confidently now because I really know her. But if I kiss her, will it make her life harder than it already is? Will it make it easier? I can't just think about what I want then leave her to figure herself out. I looked at her eyes once more and she looked into mine then she leaned in and kissed me.

I was as soft and gentle as I could be in this situation. Her lips were so ridiculously soft, it was addictive. I slid my arms around her waist and she put hers around my neck and we pulled each other close. I've kissed a few girls in the past but none of them even come close to Andrea, not even my very first one.

She tangled her hands in my hair and I licked her bottom lip in an attempt to open her mouth. She smiled against my mouth and opened. I decided my tongue should be dominant so I put mine in her mouth while running up and down her sides with my hands.

We stopped for a second to take a breather and i cupped her face because i just couldn't lose contact with her skin. she looked down and blushed before we continued kissing. I feel so pumped with adrenaline that I decide to do something I usually wouldn't. I placed my hand on her sides and rolled us over. I was on top and she was on the bottom. She was breathing heavily and her eyes went wide before she smiled and pulled my neck down. This feels so surreal. The tips of my fingers are tingling and my heart is beating so fast, I can feel it. I knew that I liked her but this feels like more. I feel alive and non existent at the same time.

I pull away again because I need to breathe.

"You're an amazing kisser" I say moving hair from her face. Her cheeks turn bright pink and all I could do was smile.

I moved off of her and laid next to her, and pulled her closer to me. She kissed me once again and wrapped my arms around her.

After that, I whispered for the rest of the night until sunrise, how we were going to figure things out with Vic, her old friends and us. I feel see certain that there's an 'us' now, but I'm not certain how were going to fix all these problems, but we're going to fix them together and I couldn't be happier. No, happy doesn't even describe what I feel here with her. I just know that it's a shit ton better than being in my own.

Notes

Hey,

Ok so yes I know I'm late again, I've been really sick. Anyways, THEY HAD THEIR FIRST KISS AND I ACTUALLY LIKE HOW I WROTE IT WHOOOO. ;D but I want to know how you guys think. Was it rushed, was it to short, did you not like it, I would love to know!

P.s. OH MY SHIT I JUST REALISED THIS STORY HAS OVER 1000 VIEWS AND 11 SUBSCRIBERS! I KNOW TO SOME PEOPLE THAT'S NOT MUCH AT ALL BUT I DIDN'T THINK ID HAVE MORE THAN 10 VIEWS SO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR THIS. I FEEL SO ACCOMPLISHED

Bye babes ;*