The pact

Some people say that everyone dies alone. Maybe that is true. In the present time, people always think that things will stay the way they are now. But if we look back at the past, we can see that it rarely is that way. People evolve. They make decision and therefore their lives change. And therefore things disappear.
Some things disappear very suddenly. Those usually cause heartbreak and sorrow. It’s because we have to get used to our lives that are suddenly so different.
Slow changes are better. Sometimes people don’t even realize they’re happening. And when they usually realize it, they are already used to it. It makes them able to look back at the past with a happy and content feeling.
In my life, I’ve had some slow and some sudden changes. Some were happy and some were sad. But I guess that goes for everyone. Every person gets their fair share of shit and their fair share of happy moments to make up for it. We just don’t realize it when the good things are happening, because they are mostly small things.
Would I have done things differently now I know how things are going to work out? I don’t want to think about that, because I can’t change anything about it anyway. Things just went the way they went.
After our magical moment at the beach, Vic drove us back. I didn’t want to face my parents. But I needed to, to tell them the good change that had happened in my life.
I will spare you the nasty details, but they were pretty angry. My mom told me that I had been incredibly irresponsible and that I could’ve died or set the house on fire. My dad was actually on my mom’s side this time and I understood. That’s mostly why I didn’t want to face them: because I understood that they were mad at me. I just had to do it and I think my dad understood that too somehow. My mom didn’t, but I didn’t think she would ever understand me. I was right about that.
Talking about changes, the next day a sudden change happened that would make everything different. In a good way, although I didn’t realize that back then.
I came downstairs for breakfast when I saw my parents sit at the dinner table. My dad had his head in his hands and my mom just looked very pale. I had never seen her upset about anything before. She had always seemed emotionless. Like nothing ever affected her. I guess everyone has their weaknesses. Even my mom.
They told me to sit down at the able and then told me something that I would’ve never expected. My mom was pregnant. And my dad was the father. Maybe that sounds obvious, but I didn’t even know they still had sex. I always thought my dad stayed with my mom because of me. There was no spark between them anymore. Hell, they didn’t even like each other anymore.
My mom told me that it was an accident and that they weren’t planning on having another child, definitely not at their age. The announcement dropped as a bomb on me and I just remembered running up to my room and laying on my bed staring up the ceiling.
The first thing that went through my mind was: this kid had to endure my mom now. What if my mom would hit it too? I was almost eighteen, I wouldn’t be able to protect it through all of its life.
This would change everything. I always had this plan in my mind that I would flee out of this house when I would turn eighteen and never look back. My father would be able to divorce my mom and everyone would be happy. But I guess faith liked to play games with my life. I would have to go back a lot to check on this kid and my parents had to stay together for at least eighteen more years.
The thing that gave me a lot of time to overthink this was the fact that I wasn’t allowed to see Vic or any of my other friends for that matter. I still called Vic secretly every night and sometimes he’d even climb up my window and creep into my room. My parents could try to keep us apart, but I couldn’t stand being away from him for long. The effect he had on me was so weird. He was like a drug and I could get moody if I hadn’t seen him in a while. I think my dad realized that Vic was getting into the house at night, but let it be. although he never actually liked Vic that much anymore after what had happened in Britain. My dad used to be very fond of Vic, they had had the same humor, but after that he barely talked to him anymore. I asked him about it once, months later and he had said: “I understand that you guys got back together and it’s your choice to get back with him, but it’s also my choice to not like him anymore. You’re not a real man if you leave your girl without giving her an explanation. After seeing you so hurt because of it, I just can’t like him anymore, Luna. I’m sorry.”
I guess I sort of understood. I tried to explain to him why Vic made certain decisions, but he stayed with his opinion. I think I forgave Vic way easier than my dad, because people tend to forgive people sooner for hurting them then for hurting someone they loved.
After spending two weeks grounded in my room, it was time to go back to school and with that my punishment ended too. I never knew I would say it, but I was actually glad to be back at school. It meant that I could actually see Vic without being secret about it. And it meant that I would get to see Mike, Jaime and Tony again, my friends that were starting to feel like my little brothers. I hugged each one of them so tight that I could hear their ribs softly crack.
School was a lot better too. Without the leadership of Ryan, Peter and Justin (who were of course expelled), the popular kids actually backed down a little. There was a peace roaming the halls that was very rare in this school. I knew that wouldn’t change soon, because everyone at this school had trauma’s from the horrible school fight that happened when I was being kidnapped and from Leah’s dead of course. Maybe the hierarchy would appear sometime again, but then I would be graduated already. For now, I was content with the peaceful, yet still a bit tense ambiance.
Senior year went by pretty fast, without many drama. Even not between Vic and I. I guess we had had enough of that already. Of course there was the usual misunderstanding, but nothing to break us apart. I was actually starting to think that nothing would break us apart.
Vic and I graduated in June 2002, both with good grades. It was honestly one of the happiest moments in my life. That and prom a few weeks earlier, of course I went with Vic and I wore a dress that every girl would dream of. I never thought I would be the girl that would be obsessing over prom weeks in advance, but I was and it drove the guys crazy. Okay, looking back at it now, I could’ve known I would obsess about it. I was and still am a hopeless romantic.
Ryan and Peter got there sentence just a few weeks before graduation. It had taken so long, because it was such a complicated case. I actually had to be a witness in court and it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I wasn’t sure if I could do it, staring right in the eyes of the two lives I was going to ruin with my words. But I just thought of Leah and put my emotions off. I was able to do it because of that. Ryan got a sentence of twenty years and Peter of fifteen years. Justin got community service, because he wasn’t eighteen yet at the day of the murder. Well, at least I could let things go and I wouldn’t have to see them anymore. Hopefully never. Which was, I guess, a good change.
In the summer break, my little sister was born. August 23rd 2002 to be precise. Even though my parents weren’t the youngest anymore, Allison was a healthy baby girl.
When I walked into the hospital room that day, I saw my mom sitting up in the hospital bed, holding a bundle of blankets in her arms. She looked so lovingly and caring at the small creature in her arms. I wondered if she had ever looked at me like that, or had despised me from the moment I had entered this world. Maybe she was aware that she hadn’t done that well with me and was she now determined to raise this baby with love.
I have never hated her more than in that moment. I hated her for only figuring out then how to be a good mother. My anger disappeared when my dad has asked me if I wanted to hold Allison. My mom looked a little annoyed by it, but I ignored it.
Only then I had realized that I was actually a big sister. Fear and excitement filled me up. I thought about all the amazing things I could do with this little girl, but I also feared that I wasn’t really big sister material. Was it bad that she had to look up to a girl that was so fucked up?
From the moment I had held her in my arms and saw her little features for the first time, an overwhelming love came over me. She was so precious and small. I would protect her against anything. Even though I had only seen her for a few seconds, I knew back then that I would catch a bullet for this little girl anytime. I whispered a promise to her that I would be the best big sister ever and that I would be there her entire life.
I saw a small tear glide over my father’s cheek as he took Allison from me again. I let out a few tears myself too, to be totally honest with you.
After summer break, everything changed once again. Vic and I went to college. Which was…something else. Luckily we went to the same university, which was San Diego State university. I went to the music department and Vic decided to study graphic design.
That was when the band went on hold, simply because Vic suddenly had way less time to practice. They first weeks of college were always the busiest.
It allowed Jaime, Tony and Mike to do things with other bands and although we would still hang out a lot, the band was no more.
The fact that me and Vic went to college and the rest of the guys were still in high school didn’t seem to have such a big effect on our friendship though. We would still hang out just as much and the bond that we had was as strong as ever. I don’t think that would ever change, considering everything we had been through.
At the beginning of the school year, Casey also moved to America. She said that her whole life was basically here: her boyfriend, her best friend, so on. So she decided to go to college here, at the same university as Vic and I. Mike couldn’t be happier about it too. I don’t think I had ever seen him happier than those first few weeks of Casey being here. There was just this adorable, euphoric smile on his face during these days.
I liked college a lot more than high school. I was learning all these things I was super passionate about and I even learned how to sing and to play certain instruments. Of course I was trained to be a producer, but as a producer you’re supposed to know how the instruments work. The students were a lot cooler too, mostly because they actually wanted to be there too and most were a lot smarter than the students in high school.
Halfway during the first year of university Vic somehow found time again to start with music and he started a band with Mike. Jaime and Tony were in other bands at the time. There were two other members in Mike and Vic’s band and they called themselves Before Today. They were actually pretty good, they didn’t have the same chemistry as Pierce the Veil had, but they were really good. And they finally started playing songs written by Vic, which was also pretty exciting.
Halfway our second year in college, Before Today got signed. Back then I didn’t realize how big the effect of that event would have on my life. Vic was overly excited and decided to quit college. He said he wanted to live for music, just like I did. Although I was immensely proud of him, I couldn’t help but feel like this would drift us apart.
And I was right. I saw Vic less and less because we weren’t in the same school anymore and our schedules just didn’t line up anymore. And he started touring, which was even worse because I had to miss him for a longer period of time.
When he came back from his first tour ever, I just couldn’t stop hugging him. Which of course resulted in Mike telling us to get a room. I just rolled my eyes at him, because Casey and Mike were making out right before my eyes all the time. I decided not to point that out though. I didn’t want to sink to his level. They had the right to touch each other after not seeing each other for a while.
But things got harder soon. First for Casey and Mike. To my surprise their relationship had survived the long distance period, but this didn’t mean their relationship could handle anything. Which they certainly thought back then. I guess as soon as Casey moved to America the excitement of having not seen each other for a long time had disappeared. I guess they both graved excitement, because they started arguing a lot more since Casey had moved. Also the age difference was certainly way more obvious than before. They didn’t have to think about that when Casey lived in England, but in America Casey was a college sophomore dating a high school junior.
I guess it’s alright to say that they had survived the distance, but not the rest. They broke up in December 2003. They both weren’t really upset about it, they had been fighting a lot at the end and I think their fire had just died out. Casey did refuse to meet up with me in the guys the first few weeks, though. She said she was afraid she would strangle him with whatever object was in her way. Knowing Casey, she would really do it.
I kept holding on to my shaky friendships and relationship though. Probably because I had been through more with them than Casey had. At least three times a week we would all meet up and just talk or watch a movie. Now I was in college, Vic and Mike were touring and Jaime and Tony were in a different band, we had so much to discuss. I liked to hear all their stories, but it did made a lot clearer how much I missed how things were in high school.
I did tell Vic that I didn’t like him to be away. I remember lying in a meadow with him. Just talking about everything. Things got emotional that day. I had been crying and he had been comforting me by taking me in his arms. We had both noticed that things were starting to get hard. We were, back then, almost three years together and we had been going strong for so long. But now it just felt like we were both heading a different direction. We were at a crossing and we were pulling each other in the direction we wanted to go to. We were not the seventeen year olds anymore that we once were and I had the feeling we were dragging each other down.
My feeling was confirmed on my twentieth birthday. He said he was on tour that day and I had accepted it although he knew that I didn’t like him to be away. And I knew he didn’t like to be so far away from me.
But the day took an unexpected turn. He suddenly turned up. He told me that he had cancelled tour just for my birthday. I couldn’t believe it. It was a very important tour and I knew he had blown opportunities with it. I knew he didn’t do it just for me, but also because he wanted to see me and I just meant a lot to him. But if things would go on like this, he would risk his career for me and I didn’t want that. I know he would do it in a heartbeat. I realized that when we were fighting about it the day after my birthday.
So I made the most difficult decision I had ever made in my entire life. I decided to break up with him. It was the most painful thing I had ever done, because I was still immensely in love with him. I did it for him. Because I wanted him to have the career he deserved and because he loved me too much to get it. He was too talented. How could I waste so much talent and so much potential on just me. Vic Fuentes had to be shared with the world. His kindness, his songs and his inspirational story had to be heard.
So on march 16th, or third anniversary, I broke up with him. I had picked that date for a reason. I knew it was cruel, but I wanted to be cruel. I know it would break his heart, but at least he wouldn’t go after me anymore and pursue his dreams. I wanted him to be mad at me, so he wouldn’t try to make things right anymore. It hurt a lot knowing that he hated me, but it hurt more to know that we was giving up his life for me.
The way I broke up with him was also quite cruel. In one go, I didn’t only broke up with him, but also with Tony, Jaime and Mike. Why? Because they would do exactly the same for me as Vic would do. I was not only keeping Vic down, but also the other guys. And just like Vic, they had more to share with the world. It would be selfish to keep them to myself.
The things I have shouted at them, I’d rather forget. I just know that they were mean and unlike me. I didn’t mean them, but I had to do it, and I didn’t regret a second of it. Their faces when I shouted at them would haunt me forever, though.
In the time that they were on tour, me and Casey moved to Los Angeles and finished college there. I got a new phone and erased the boys of Pierce the Veil out of my life for good. But I couldn’t erase them from my memory. They first few weeks were the worst. I literally just couldn’t stop crying. It felt like someone had dug a hole through my heart with a spoon. It hurt that I had hurt them. It hurt that they were better off without me.
What made it all worse was that Vic still tried to make things right even though
I had been so mean to him. He called me, left voicemails and texted me. At first they were angry messages like: ‘I can’t believe you did that! After everything we have been through you decide to just drop us on our faces! I guess we never meant something to you anyway’
Later they had become more sad and in a begging tone. ‘Please Luna. Answer my calls. We can get through this. I love you so much, I can’t live without you. I’m dying. Please just let me hear your voice. Even if it’s just one time.’
I had been at the point of running back at him so many times. My arms felt empty without him in them and my eyes felt blind without him to see. But somehow, I was strong enough to keep myself from going back to him like he was some form of heroin.
Somewhere around the end of June, I got an email when I was writing an essay. It was exactly a hundred days after me and Vic had broken up and I hadn’t realized that until I had read what was in it. I debated whether to open it or not. My heart was still a bit sore of the break up. It had taken lots of strength to force the memory of him to the back of my mind. Did I really wanted to give that up?
My curiosity eventually took over and I opened the email. I don’t recall exactly what was in it, but it was something along the lines of this:

Dear Luna,

I’m sorry for bothering you again. I’m beginning to notice that you don’t want me to talk to you. Maybe this is all my fault. I don’t think I’ll ever know considering you won’t talk to me.
This is my last attempt to fix things. After this, I won’t bother you ever again. But just know that I will love you forever.
Okay, I have rewritten this email over and over again, but I can’t seem to find the right words. I did find them in a song I heard. Just listen to number six on the album ‘away from the sun’ by 3 doors down. It will tell you exactly how I feel. I think it’s sort of fitting, given that it’s kind of our band. We used to listen to their songs in the bus, remember? I can’t seem to forget.

Forever yours,

Vic.

Of course I had the album. After hearing their first album, I had to listen to their second. I searched for it and eventually found it somewhere on a pile of CD’s. I had literally too many to count. Number six seemed to be ‘here without you’. I had heard the song before, but I had never paid much attention to the lyrics.
I put it up and it became immediately clear why he had chosen this song. I will write the lyrics down, but you actually need to listen to it to totally understand what I went through when I was listening to it. The lyrics are beautifully tragic, but you can hear the pain in his voice and in the beautiful melody and violins playing in the background. So do me a favor and listen to it. You might know it, it was played on the radio a lot back then.

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight
It's only you and me

The miles just keep rolling
As the people leave they wave to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

Everything I know
And anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

The only time I had cried harder than the moment I had heard this song, was the time Leah died. I just broke down in uncontrollable sobs, short quick breaths mixed with thick, salty tears. When Casey found me, I was a softly crying mess, lying down on the cold floor.
She comforted me, but for some reason this last attempt from Vic was just too much for me. I didn’t even know I had missed him this much until that moment, because I had been pushing it all away. I swear, that moment was the closest I had gotten too running back to Vic and the rest of my friends. But I held myself back at the last moment.
I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I would’ve been the one holding them back from all the things that were yet to come. And god, there were so many good things yet to come for them.
In June 2006 I graduated from school. It was two years after I had last heard from Vic. He had kept to his promise and I hadn’t heard of him since the email. I had gotten over him pretty well, with the help of Casey and my new friend that I had met in college, Danny. He was the kind of person I could talk to all day and it wouldn’t get old. Friends like that are rare. For some reason he did remind me of Jaime a bit. The kind of person that does all the talking and makes you laugh in the process.
The memories of Pierce the Veil had become a faded memory. Mainly a happy one. I had decided years ago, after I had that break down, that I would remember them for the happy things. For the things they had done for me and the good times we had. It would be easier to let go, if I wouldn’t feel the guilt and the pain anymore.
But I didn’t think about it a lot anymore back then. Sometimes I had stumbled across a song that I used to listen in the bus, or an old picture, but I would just smile at it think of an old memories and put it away. I had no intention of seeing them again. Mainly because I saw that part of my life as the past. I didn’t fit in their life anymore and they didn’t fit in mine. It would be kind of like wearing scarfs and gloves in the summer.
After I graduated, I thought that life would’ve been easy. I imagined myself finding a job as a producer somewhere and getting offered jobs all the time. Let me tell you, that’s not how it went. I had to practically beg for jobs and I refused to take jobs that I didn’t entirely felt good about. It was hard and it still kind of is, but doing what I love always made up for it.
Mostly when I got jobs, they were assistant-producer jobs for small bands or musicians. I was almost never a real producer. For some reason I just didn’t get those jobs.
I have thought a lot that I might not be good enough, but I didn’t let it drag me down. It didn’t matter to me. I could always improve myself and at least I was working with music.
It didn’t pay well and I have always struggled with taxes and stuff, but for some reason I had always been able to keep it together. Grown up life is a bummer you know. As a kid you expect all these great things for your adult life, but it’s never the way it’s portrayed in films or books. They never tell you about the responsibilities and the constant rejection that is a part of adult life.
I don’t think my spirit was ever meant for that. I have always been very intuitive and I actually had to do things that didn’t feel right just because it’s what I was supposed to do. That’s why I don’t think my spirit was ever meant to grow up.
Most of the things that kept me together were my dad, my little sister (who was five already back then), music and Casey and Danny. These were my rocks.
In 2008 something quite unexpected happened. Casey came running into my apartment (she had a key) and started excitedly jumping up and down. When I would ask her what was going on she would just squeal, so I let her be for a while and poured a cup of coffee for myself.
When I got back into my living room she had put out my laptop and was rapidly searching for something on YouTube. I took a seat next to her on the couch and watched as a video popped up on the screen.
She didn’t click on play yet so I looked at her confused and she sighed. “Look at the title.” She said. I looked at the screen and read the title: ‘Pierce the Veil- Yeah boy and doll face’
“No.” I just said confused. Was this some weird practical joke or something?
“Hell yes.” She said. “And I’ll tell you this, it’s good. Fucking good. I’m actually thinking about getting their album.”
I stared at the screen in disbelieve. I had always thought they would make it, but this still surprised me. And I had never really thought about what they were doing and how their life was going at that moment. “Are you sure it’s them? Isn’t it just a band with the same name? Last time we heard about them they were all in different bands.” I said.
Casey nodded. “I recognized Vic’s voice from the first tone on.”
“But-“
“I think I’m able to recognize my own ex, Luna.”
And then she put on the video. A girl with long brown hair appeared on the screen and Vic’s voice sung the first few lines. It was weird hearing his voice after not hearing it for so long. It was a bit like stepping inside a time machine.
It was actually them. From the moment the band came into view I recognized them. Vic’s hair was longer and reached to his shoulders now and it was straight instead of curly, but apart from that he pretty much looked the same. Mike, Jaime and Tony had changed a lot though. The last time I had seen them, they were still in high school. They were now grown men, which was kind of hard to believe for me. Especially Tony, who had always been the small and young looking one, was now tall and had a lot of tattoos. Which somehow didn’t feel quite right with his sweet and adorable personality. Although he looked much more confident.
The song itself was amazing, but I refused to listen to more songs. It was nice seeing them, but I didn’t want to rip open old wounds. So Casey and I made an agreement. Whenever they posted a music video, I would watch it. Just to know what was going on in their career. I don’t know why Casey thought that was necessary, but I trusted her.
So in 2009, we watched ‘chemical kids and mechanical brides’, in 2010 ‘caraphernelia’, in 2011 ‘bulletproof love’, in 2012 ‘king for a day’ and ‘hell above’ and in 2013 ‘bulls in the Bronx’. Their songs got better and better in my opinion at least, Mike, Jaime and Tony kept gaining tattoos and at some point Vic suddenly had a nose ring.
It might sound weird, since this whole story is about them, but apart for that one time a year that they released a music video, I didn’t really think about them. It had been more than ten years and it felt like an entire different lifetime.
Besides, I had my own shit to worry about. Like the fact that my mother died in 2011. I didn’t particularly felt sad about it, but it was a hard time anyway. Even when you hate the woman, losing your mother is never easy. We had all saw it coming, though. She had cancer and it had been fatal for a while.
I remember standing next to her hospital bed the day before she died. She had asked to be alone with me for a while. I didn’t understand why. If she was trying to act all sweet and motherly then I would kill her before she was able to die herself.
Luckily she didn’t do that. She said: “Listen Luna. I’m not going to try and make things right, don’t worry. I know I have been an awful mother to you and I only noticed that when it was too late. I realized it, when you had no love left for me and I had no love left for you. To you I’m just the woman that gave you life, but nothing more. That’s why Allison was a gift from heaven in that aspect. I had a chance to feel the motherly love I didn’t feel for you. I might’ve messed you up, but I’ve been a good mother to Allison and she needs you now. She cares a lot for you. You need to be there for her.”
I looked in the face of my mother, there was nothing left of the woman I was once scared of. She was an empty embodiment of what she once was. “I will. I was already going to. For her. Not for you.” I said.
My mom smiled, which is something I hadn’t see her do a lot around me. “Maybe you’re more like me than we first expected, Luna. Dreaming about different realities, full of ideals. I used to be like that.” She said.
“What made you change?”
“life.” She answered.
That was the last thing my mother had ever said to me. It left me thinking a lot. What happened to my mom that made her end up this way? Would I end up like that? I was afraid for that to happen, I had always been. That’s kind of the reason why I never wanted any children. So I wouldn’t do to them what my mom did to me. Not that I would have a chance to have any soon. I had two boyfriends in my entire life. Vic and one around 2009, we didn’t last that long.
Allison was confused about what happened. She didn’t get why my mother wouldn’t read her stories anymore and why my dad was suddenly so sad. She was nine years old already, but she refused to believe that her mother wouldn’t ever return. I proposed to my dad that she would sleep in my place during the weekends, so my dad would have some time alone to deal with everything. He gladly accepted and me and Allison grew stronger than ever.
It seemed like the older she got, the more we became also friends along with our sister relationship. She was literally the opposite of me, she liked pop music and was addicted to shows like gossip girl, but we accepted each other’s opinion. When she was twelve, she began ignoring me when her friends were around. I didn’t mind it that much, I knew she didn’t want to be seen with her ‘crazy’ sister. I just laughed it off and didn’t think much of it.
But here you go. Those were all my changes. It’s 2016 now and I’m thirty-three years old. Yeah, that period in your life when you can just feel yourself getting old.
Life has been a crazy ride for me, but I managed to hold on to whatever was dragging me forward in life.
Life has gone its way for a while now. I had actually big plans for the future. It was all going well…until I had to take a job I really didn’t want to take, but I had to…Otherwise my plans wouldn’t work out.
I was actually fearing this job, there was a reason why I had been avoiding this. Producers would be dying for this job. Everyone would be dying for this job…but I didn’t want it.
I was asked to be a producer. On the next album of Pierce the Veil.

Notes

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
THIS IS THE END. HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN. okay Nicky stop, no matter how upset you are, you will not quote Adele!

So yeah, this kind of is the end. I will probably still today update a A/N with thank you's to you all and with links to my other stories. I will not spill too many tears on this quick note.

But I can't believe it's over now. I have been working on this story for six months.... of course there will be a sequal, but still...

xxxxxx

Nicky