The power of doing anything with quickness is always much prised by the possessor, and often without any attention to the imperfection to the performance.
I read out of my old copy of Pride and Prejudice. This quote had never meant so much to me as now. I found myself rereading the sentence over and over again and with every time I did that, the more I was afraid that it related to me. Was I acting to quickly?
Before I could think about it, the voice of the pilot sounded through the plane. We were about to land in San Diego. A shot of nerves went through me, but I pushed it away.
I kind of got through the road to Vic’s house in a blur. I had ordered a cab, but I couldn’t even remember what the driver looked like or what we passed on the road. I didn’t know if I blocked out these memories out of impatience or nervousness.
I had only been nervous to talk to Vic one time, it was on my birthday this year. I had kissed him and that was the first time we had met up after it. I was so nervous of what would happen to us. But back then, I knew he liked me back, so I practically had nothing to worry about.
Those nerves seemed stupid compared by the nerves of now. I actually did have something to worry about. That last birthday, I didn’t even think we would get together, let along that I’d have to worry about getting him back. I would literally do anything to get him back. Except if he was happier without me. Then I needed to somehow find a way to deal with it.
Before I knew it I stood in front of the familiar door made out of dark wood. I had raised my hand a few times to ring the bell, but put it down again. Scenarios of how this could work out played in my head. One worse than the other. Every time I thought I had the courage to ring it, it disappeared again.
Get yourself together, Luna! I said to myself. You’re here to get your boyfriend back now and the fact that you are afraid is irrelevant now.
I pushed my shoulders back a bit, stuck my nose up in the air and pushed the bell. For a few unbearable seconds it was quiet at the other side, but then I heard someone walk towards the door from the other side of the door.
The door opened and…it was his mom. Her eyes got big when she saw me. She knew. Which wasn’t weird. Vic was back a couple of days already. “Luna, what are you doing here?” she asked. “Not that I’m not glad to see you.” She quickly added.
I responded with a weak laugh. “It’s nice to see you too, Mrs. Fuentes. I’m here because I need to talk to Vic. Is he here?” I asked.
Her features turned sad. “I’m sorry, he is not here. I think he’s at Tony’s house.”
I shot her a polite smile. “Thank you, Mrs. Fuentes.” I said as I started to walk away.
When I was halfway the garden, Mrs. Fuentes called my name and I turned around. “Good luck, Luna.” She just said and I smiled at her. At least she wanted us to be together again. If only her son would feel the same about it.
I took the bus to Tony’s house. Sitting down and staring out of the window, I realised I really needed to get my driver’s license. Things would definitely be so much easier if I had my own car. I didn’t need to spend all my money on cabs and busses or my energy on walking. First I had Vic to drive me around, but there was a very big chance that I wouldn’t get him back and that I needed to take the bus far more often.
The bus stopped exactly across from Tony’s house and I could already here the music come from his garage. It sounded different without a drummer, but not necessarily bad. I thought about knocking on the door of the garage, but I held back, knowing that they wouldn’t hear me over their music anyway.
Instead I said down with my back against the garage door, listening to the loud power chords and Vic’s unique and beautiful voice.

“And don't you ever feel alone? And don't you wish you were home?
Cut the lust tonight; all right, all right
Tell me why my little Mona Lisa told a lie, lie, lie, lie
Do you want me? Do you want to let me know that you're okay?
A diamond gold ring customized to cut your circulation
But I couldn't let you go; no, I'd never let you go my dear
So keep talking 'cause I love to hear your voice”

I knew he must’ve wrote it. It was his writing style. It was a style of writing you would recognise immediately. A poetic style with lots of metaphors. He definitely improved his writing since the day he started.
It felt weird being so close to him and yet so far away. Far away, because he taught I was still miles away from him. Something in me didn’t want to go in and face him. Afraid of the disappointment. If I’d stay here, if I’d stay in front of this door, I would be spared pain caused by heartbreak.
But I knew it didn’t matter. He was the only thing that could really mend my broken heart. So I just needed to faced the risk of having another heartbreak again.
When the song ended, I stood up and heard them talking. I couldn’t hear what they were saying though, because a few months ago the five of us did an attempt of muting Tony’s garage so the neighbours wouldn’t have to hear them making music every day.
I took a deep breath, trying to also inhale some courage. When I realised that wouldn’t work, I just knocked on the door. Courage or no courage, I needed to do this.
I heard their conversation quiet down. A few seconds later the conversation started again, they sounded a little cautious and confused. Of course they weren’t really expecting someone. Mike was in England and Tony’s mother always entered the garage through the house.
I heard muted footsteps walk to the door and a second later I stood face-to-face with Jaime. When he saw me, he looked like he saw a walking corpse. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. “Can I come in?” I asked. He just nodded and shot me a weak smile.
I entered the garage, a place that had changed so much since the first time I had been there. Pictures of Pierce the Veil were hung on the wall here and there and there were a lot more guitars than a year ago.
When I walked in Tony looked from his guitar and made the same expression as Jaime. He just gave a push against Vic’s arm who didn’t notice me coming in, because he was busy tuning his guitar.
He looked up and when I saw his eyes, I swear I felt my heart break all over again. His expression was different from Jaime’s and Tony’s. He got pale and a flash of pain went through his face too. For a few seconds we just stared into each other’s eyes. That was until he looked away. The broken eye contact hurt even more. Now I get why people didn’t want to see their exes anymore after they had broken up. It was practically torture to look at each other, but also to look away.
“You didn’t need to come here.” He just said looking at his feet. I didn’t recognise the emotion in his voice. I couldn’t hear if he meant what he said.
“Well apparently I did!” I said a little bit louder than I was intending too. He still didn’t look up. The silence was deafening. More deafening than every loud sound I had ever heard.
“Can we please talk? Alone?” I asked trying to regain a calm voice. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Jaime and Tony to hear this. I just felt like they didn’t really want to hear it.
Vic moved from one foot to the other and still looked down. I wanted to run to him, drag his face up and push my lips on his, but something told me that that didn’t really fit in the moment.
“I don’t want to talk to you.” He said and he looked at me again. His eyes were cold and pierced right through my heart. I felt like sitting in a corner and cry, but I somehow regained my strength.
“Fine. Then I’ll talk and you’ll listen.” I said. He seemed ready to protest, but interrupted him. “If you make a decision all on your own to break us up, then you should be man enough to at least hear my opinion. The one you didn’t take in consideration when you left England.”
In the corner of my eyes I saw that Tony and Jaime were frozen at their spots. I didn’t mind them being there. They probably only heard Vic’s part of the story and it was about time that they heard mine.
Vic closed his mouth and remained silent. It was his way to tell me that he was listening. My mind suddenly was empty. It was like everything I wanted to say had escaped my mind. “How could you just leave me?” I eventually just said and my voice cracked of sadness. I don’t think I had ever made a sound like that.
Vic didn’t respond, but I saw a flash of emotion go over him. “I mean I get it. I’m a fucking difficult person. I would’ve left me way sooner if I were you. But leaving me, because I don’t show you enough that I love you? That makes me fucking mad, Vic!”
He frowned. “How do you know that?” he said and he tilted the guitar over his head and put it away.
“Mike. At least he thought that that was the reason. He thought that you broke up with me because you were fighting for me all the time and I didn’t fight for you.” I said and his face grew a little bit paler.
“Listen, Luna.” He said sighing and he went with his hand through his hair. “I can’t do this now. I need space.”
“That’s too bad for you.” I said harshly. “I came back on my own, without my parents all the fucking way from England and you feel like you don’t want to talk to me?! Vic, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
He stepped a little closer to me and it lit the anger fire inside of me. His eyes were burning too. “You didn’t have to come back at all if you just came here to scream at me!” he yelled back at me and I wanted to punch him for being so right. I knew I needed to calm down, but I couldn’t.
“You can’t just leave me when we’re together on holiday and break up with me without a reason and then expect me to not scream at you!” I said all my anger towards him came out.
“I did have a reason!” he yelled. I had never found him more annoying in my entire life.
“Then why didn’t you just give it?!” I screamed at the top of my lunges. The volume of my voice seemed to shock everyone in the room. The sudden silence and tension made me realise why I was here again. I never meant for this to end in a fight. I just wanted to express my feelings.
I sighed and looked down at my hands. “Look, I’m sorry. I came here to fight for you, but all I’m doing is pushing you away by yelling at you. I just want you to know that I am fighting for you, that I would do that. There was just never a reason to, because you always stayed.” I said a lot calmer.
In the corner of my eyes I saw him shake his head. “That’s not true. After we had that fight in England, I made it very clear that I was slipping away from you, but you did nothing.” He said. His voice was a lot calmer too, but there was still sadness hearable in his voice.
“I was going to!” I said. “That conversation in which you broke up with me, I wanted to let you know back then that I want us to be together. Look I’m indifferent sometimes, I’m not as affectionate or open to feelings as other people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you with every single piece of my soul, of my heart.”
I had looked into his eyes when saying this and I saw them soften. I had never explained my feelings for him like this. Sure I had told him that I loved him before, but I wasn’t comfortable with speaking like this.
I put my hand slowly up to his cheek and he let me. I stroke his skin with my thumb. “I think I understand what we did here.” I said softly and he looked at me with a surprised look on his face. “You do?” he said softly.
I nodded without taking my hand of his face. “We’re making this too complicated. Just think about why you want to break up with me, Vic. About why I have been mad at you. They aren’t problems to break up for. We’re just not used to relationships, so we’re not used to problems. We aren’t used to argue. So we immediately run away from it. But that’s not how it works. If you really love someone, you can figure these things out together. You talk about it with each other. We’re not used to talk about relationship problems. Just to give a minor example. You know that one thing that has been going on lately…That thing that is happening lately. Both us knew we had to talk about that sooner or later, but instead we just bottled it up. Put it away, but how far did that get us?” I said and I knew he knew what I meant because he grinned a little.
I stood on my toes and pressed a kiss on his forehead. “If it was only up to me than this isn’t over yet. But it’s up to you too.” I said trying to hide my emotion regarding that decision I’ve put in his hands.
And then I walked out of the garage, avoiding Jaime’s and Tony’s looks. Even though I didn’t get him back, I was still happy that I went back to speak with him. Now he knew how I thought about it and I knew how he thought about it. It was the information I needed to let go of and needed to receive to find the strength to move on. If he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship like this, then there was no use fighting it. Because that was actually what it was. This break up was because we had gotten more serious and problems like sex and talking about feelings seemed to creep in-between us now. And maybe we were indeed too young to handle these things like adults.

*

He looked up from his guitar for the first time since he had started playing the song and raised his hand. His thumb traced over my cheek to wipe away the tear that was still rolling down. My skin started tingling under his touch and I took his hand away from my face to hold it in mine.
He put down his guitar with his other hand and scooped a little closer to me. “I can’t believe you kissed me.” He said very soft, looking down on our hands.
“I can’t believe you just sang a love song to me.” I said making circles on his palm with my thumb.
“Did you like it?” He said looking up to me hopefully.
“I loved it.” I said smiling like a fool. “That was the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me.” And for some reason I was again at the edge of crying. I was just so extremely happy.
Eventually I felt his hand under my chin and he moved my face up, so I looked at him. “I thought it would be the best way to let you know how special you are to me.”
My stomach felt like it was exploding. I looked down at his lips and leaned in. He also come closer and finally our lips touched.
I got back to reality and out of the flashback from my birthday. I traced the ripped leather of the bus seats and tried to think of all the things that had happened in this bus. It was part of my remember and let go plan.
We had been here for the first time when we didn’t want to study anymore, I think it was somewhere in September. I had discovered he self-harmed. We had become friends that day.
I remembered introducing Casey to him in here. We had already been hanging out in here a lot.
I remembered cutting here for the first time. Vic had come in here, comforted me and helped me clean things up. It was the moment my feelings for him started.
And after I had fallen completely in love with him, he had sung a love song to me, right in this bus. I had felt like the happiest person on earth. Like I could fly to the moon.
Now I felt like I could do nothing. Nothing at all.
Maybe I was here for another reason too. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Maybe I was sort of hoping that he would show up her and tell me that we weren’t so broken as we thought we were. That I had been right and that we made everything too complicated.
I let go of the material of the seats and looked at my underarms. The deep pinks cuts were visible, but fading. For some reason it made me feel like I didn’t have control anymore. Like I had been hanging on to them and now they were leaving me too.
I was just considering opening them up again, when I heard ruffled sounds at the door of the bus. My heart skipped a beat. Could it be?
It wasn’t Vic, but Jaime that walked in. I was disappointed it wasn’t Vic, but at the other hand, maybe a friend like Jaime was just what I needed. I shot him a weak smile and he sat down next to me.
We didn’t say much at first. We just stared in front of us in silence. Eventually Jaime threw an arm around my shoulder and dragged me into his chest. I laid there for a long time, with my hand on his chest. Silent tears were streaming over my cheek.
I was so grateful for him to be here. Only now I had realised how lonely I had felt. I knew there was a wet stain forming on his black shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind.
I traced my arm in a comforting way and said: “It’s going to be okay, Luna. He’ll turn around.”
I wish he hadn’t sparked my hope, but he had. “I don’t think so, Jaime. It really seemed like he was done.” I said and I grabbed the fabric of his shirt in my hand. I could feel his chest rise underneath my head.
“I think he will. It was quite stupid to break up with you anyway. And all that just because he was afraid. I think he just panicked about that fight you had in England, he probably didn’t know what to do and thought this was the right thing to do back then. If he’s smart, he’ll man up and stand at your doorstep as soon as he can.” Jaime said and he stroked my hair.
I sighed. “We’ve been making too much of a thing about it. We made things more complicated than they really are by searching good reasons of why we did this. But the truth is, there’s no good reason why we broke up.” I said.
Jaime lifted me up and put his hands on my shoulders. “If you can see that, then he will too. You guys need each other, Luna. You make each other stronger. He might now think that this was a good decision, but he will soon discover that that is not true.” He said and he looked me into my eyes.
I smiled at him. “Thanks Himes. I’m really lucky with a friend like you.” I said.
Jaime raised his hand and wiped off my wet cheeks with his sleeves. “You’re welcome. You would do the same for me. Actually, you already did. You had been there for me when I had a broken heart, even though it was you my heart was broken for.” He said and grinned.
I chuckled too. We were able to laugh over our little drama of seven months ago. He had accepted that we were nothing but friends and we had only grow stronger because of that.
“What will happen if we won’t get back together, though? You and Tony…” I said, but Jaime interrupted me.
“Will stay at both of your sides.” He said. “Even though we think Vic was an complete monkey-ass for leaving you, we’re both your friends and we will find a way to stay friends with both of you. The thing that happened when Mike and you got in a fight won’t be repeated, I promise.”
I hoped it wouldn’t come to that, but there was nothing I could do about it anymore. I had done my part and now it was up to Vic to give our faith a twist.

Vic’s POV
She stood on the tip of her toes and pressed a kiss against my forehead. “If it was only up to me than this isn’t over yet. But it’s up to you too.” She said and her voice echoed in my head.
And then she walked out of the garage, completely avoiding Jaime’s and Tony’s looks.
The door fell shut and the sound made a bomb of realisation explode in my mind. What had I just done?! Had she really been here? Had she really travelled across the ocean to get me back? What the fuck was I supposed to do now? All the reasons because of which I thought I had made the right decision slowly started to fade since she had pressed that kiss on my forehead.
Before this I thought I had made a good decision breaking up with her, but I didn’t expect her to do these things for me! And I had been so cold, but I was just reacting on her angry reaction. Never had someone ever done such a thing for me and I didn’t see it because she was mad at me. And she had all reason to.
But at the other hand, they might’ve seemed far away now, but I actually had reasons to break up with her. I had made that decision for a reason, right?
Or hadn’t I and was this all my fault? If that was the case, then she deserved way better than me. She did anyway.
The thoughts in my mind were all different and screaming their opinion through my head. Maybe she was right and were we making this too complicated. Maybe all we needed was to talk things through.
But for now, I was glued to the ground. I had absolutely no idea what I needed to do. I knew what I wanted, but was that best for me? And for her?
“Dude, aren’t you gonna go after her?” Jaime asked a little indignantly. I had almost forgotten they had been watching. I was too consumed in my thoughts and feelings.
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I closed it again and shook my head. I was so confused.
Jaime sighed. “Okay. Well, I’m gonna check on her.” He said and with that said, he left the garage, leaving only me and Tony.
He shook his head. “I don’t think I ever want to fall in love after seeing this.” He said. “You guys looked like you were in so much pain, during that fight. I don’t think I ever want to experience that.”
I dragged my hand through my hair. “It’s worth it most of the time.” I said trying desperately not to think of the times the pain had been worth it.
“Are you sure? Because you ended it for pretty stupid reason. That makes me think that the love wasn’t worth the pain.” Tony said and I shot him an annoyed look.
“I had my reasons.” I shot at him.
“Yeah, stupid reasons.”
Maybe he was right. This hurts like someone was skinning me from head to toe, but at the highlights of our relationship it had felt like I was floating somewhere in another universe.
Even when she just touched me, it felt like I lit up everywhere. As long as that feeling is worth the pain, what reason would there be to quit it?
Tony sighed. “Look, just go home. Clear your head, get some sleep and then think about it again tomorrow. It’s not a good idea to make rushed decisions anyway.” He said.
“Yeah, you’re probably right, Toon.” I said and I dragged myself away from the place I was standing at.
Somehow, I had managed to get home. It was all a bit of a blur to me to be honest. As soon as I sat down on my bed and tried to do what Tony said and clear my head, exactly the opposite happened. Every single stupid thought came back. Everything that I knew was my fault and everything that had hurt me.
I placed my hands at both my temples to keep it under control, but I couldn’t. This thing was eating me alive. Before I knew it, I was searching my drawers for an old friend. I picked up the silvery thing and turned it around between my fingers. It looked just as sharp as three months ago.
Three months…I had been clean for three months already. Shit, was I really ready to give that up?!
I threw the blade back in my drawer and sat down on the wooden floor. I placed my head in my hands and screamed in them. The sound was muted by my skin.
I dragged them away from my face and stared at the window across from me. I knew this was all a part of heartbreak and I would get over it sooner or later, but I didn’t want to. I rather let her hurt me over and over again, if it meant I could stay in her arms.
But was it the right thing to do?
I slammed my hand against the floor and only realised how hard I had did that when I felt the pain in the side of my hand. It distracted me from Luna for a few seconds.
Just one cut, Vic… Just to take away the pain…
No. Think about Mike, Vic. Pick up the pen and start writing songs. That was my alternative for self-harm.
I stood up and picked up my pen and the little notebook I kept underneath my matrass. Songs were something personal. No one could see them until I wanted to show them.
I searched my brain for something to write, but nothing came out. Damn it! This didn’t help anymore!
I mean, what would it matter if I just did one cut? Just one. She wouldn’t be here to see it anyway. And she wouldn’t be to hear the songs I wrote down anyway.
I threw my pen and notebook on the ground and rushed to my drawer again. It was still slightly open. I took out the blade and before I knew it I had dragged a long red line over my left arm. Only when blood drops fell on the floor, I realised I had made three, deep horizontal cuts. The pain was amazing, but for the first time ever I had felt disappointed after I had self-harmed. What the fuck was I doing?!
I threw my blade with force through the room and it ended up somewhere in the corner. I was so fucking stupid! I did everything wrong! Why did I need to fuck everything up?!
The adrenaline soon left my body and I fell asleep on the ground. My mind was far from empty though. I dreamed of dark creatures haunting me in the night. I dreamed of falling in a black hole. I dreamed of shooting an arrow through Luna’s head and seeing her whole body falling apart.

Notes

OMG GUYS i'M SORRY THIS SUCKS.
tbh breaking up Luna and Vic was a bad idea from me. Not because It's not interesting to write about, but because I kind of dug a whole for myself here. This is all getting so complicated, that I don't even understand it anymore XD

I thought about rewriting this entire chapter and I still think about doing that...so if this chapter is suddenly gone, then you know why.

xxxxxx

Nicky

oh and btw I've changed the banner