The pact

Luna’s POV
This was not a good. This was definitely not a good idea.
I had this thought in my head that I would be able to keep my walls up even when I got back to school. But this made it all so hard. I refused to let them down. I refused to go back to the pain I had felt the day Leah died. And maybe I would even feel worse once I let my guard down. After all I’ve been holding in, you know.
But at the other hand I might’ve not even be able to keep them up anymore. Hurting Tony to save my own defences was so incredibly hard. Hurting Tony was like stepping on a puppy.
When I was running home, I already felt bad. He and the rest of the boys had gone through so much since I attended this school. They had gone through beatings, name calling, fights, a kidnapping, the death of a friend and now they had to put up with me. It was a miracle they even still wanted to be my friend. Or maybe they just felt bad for me.
It didn’t matter. Soon they would find out that everything is my fault. That they wouldn’t have been through all that shit if it wasn’t for me. They would live a happy life without me, because I would never be the same again.
I could keep the pain of the thought of the guys leaving me out, but the thought of Vic breaking up with me stung anyway. It was weird that this boy still had so much effect on me. Even in my zombie state, in which I defended myself against all emotions, he still found his way into my heart.
When I reached my house, I opened the door and walked up the stairs. Luckily my dad wasn’t home. He would’ve come after me. My mom wouldn’t. She felt guilty about everything I guess and she was afraid to fuck it up.
I walked into my room and let myself fall on the bed. I stared at the ceiling again, trying to regain my emotionless state, but it didn’t work. When I felt the pain oozing back again, I turned on my stomach and put my head in my pillow. I screamed inside the pillow like I was standing in the middle of nowhere. It felt good, but the pain didn’t go away.
My breath started speeding up. I needed to stop this! I would have a panic attack if it didn’t stop. The thoughts and sadness now took their place in my entire mind. I sat up and raised my hands to put my head in it. Go away. Go away. Go away.
I could…No. I wouldn’t do that anymore. But what did it matter? I would lose my friends anyway. And my boyfriend. I already lost my old life. Nothing mattered anymore.
I rushed to my desk and searched through my drawers. Shit! Where did I put it? It’s such a small thing and it has been almost half a year since I had used it. I threw books, notebooks and CD’s out of my drawers until I found it.
It was in the furthest corner of my lowest drawer. Between the cracks of the wood a small silvery blade stuck out. I reached out my shaking hand for it. I almost couldn’t get it out, that’s how hard I was shaking. I immediately moved it to my skin and without doubt I drew a long, deep line over my arm.
It helped. Within seconds my thoughts were clouded with the physical pain instead of the mental pain. A calmness spread over my body.
I made another cut, not even looking at what I was doing. I sat down against the edge of the bed and laid down my head against it in ecstasy. I just kept cutting, completely losing track of time. I didn’t even notice the drops of blood falling on the carpet. Damn, this felt so much better than the first time.
I even got a little lightheaded after a while. In a good way. All the pain and panic had disappeared. I suddenly understood so much better why Vic did this. After my arm starting to get tired of making the same movement again and again, I moved the blade over to my left handed and started on my right arm. I still hadn’t looked yet. Which was weird, because the last time I did this I had loved the colour of blood so much.
After a few minutes, the blade just fell out of my hand. I had gotten so light headed that I wasn’t able to hold it anymore. I just stared in front of me for a while, hoping I would pass out. Maybe I’d die. To be honest, I had wanted to since the second day in the shed. I just knew I wouldn’t be the same anymore after. This pain would always be there and if it wasn’t, I would be like a zombie all the time. That’s not living. What’s the point of carrying on then?
I felt myself dozing away and eventually I either passed out or fell asleep. I couldn’t really tell the difference to be honest.
When I woke up, the sun was already setting. The lightheaded feeling had disappeared for the most part, but my arms still stung like crazy. I hoped they would for a while.
I eventually found the courage to look at my arms. Even in my dizzy state it shocked me. My arms were covered in cuts from my wrists to my elbows. It was like I had used every inch of my skin. The deepest ones were still bleeding, but a lot of them had stopped and dried up blood was everywhere. On my clothes, on the floor, on my arms. I knew I had to fix this before my father would get home. He would go crazy and send me to an institute or something.
I got up and almost fell down again from the dizziness in my head. I guess I lost too much blood to stand up quickly. I somehow managed to stumble to the bathroom. I stripped down and got into the shower. As soon as I turned it on, I felt the incredible stinging pain in my arms again. I loved it. The blood mixed with the hot water of the shower and flooded from my skin to the white tiles of the shower.
The fear that my horrible thoughts were able to get in again crept inside my mind. That’s why I decided to stay in the shower as long as I could. As long as I was in there, my arms would be stinging and the horrible flashbacks, incredible guilt and overwhelming sadness would be far away from my mind. I had found my way to stay a zombie. Cutting would help me.
Eventually I got out of the shower, because I still had to clean up all the blood in my room. I wrapped a towel around my left arm, my right arm had stopped bleeding by now, and walked inside my room again. I threw my dirty clothes in the trashcan and walked over to the closet. I opened it and eventually decided to just throw on pair of shorts and Vic’s black sweater. It had become my favourite sweater over the last two months. I looked down at my arms and saw that the sweater perfectly covered all the cuts. I threw the towel away too.
I walked over to the spot of blood on my carpet and thought hard of what I could do about it. How do you even get blood out of a carpet? I knew how to get wine out, I had spilled it a lot on the carpet downstairs, but something told me this wasn’t the same.
I took a bottle of bleach out of the cupboard in the bathroom and started cleaning the spot up with it. It faded and left a weird white spot on my carpet, but it was better than red of blood. Jeez, next time I needed to be more careful to not spill any blood on anything.
I stood up and admired the result. I still had the bottle of bleach in my hand and stared at it. If I’d drink it, then it would all be over. One sip and I would never had to go through one of those horrible flashbacks again. I could end this pathetic excuse of a life right now.
I was broken out of my thoughts by something tapping on my window. I looked up and saw Vic staring through it from the other side. He must’ve climbed up the fence. He had done it before, because my parents didn’t like it when my friends came to the house late at night.
I put down the bottle of bleach on my desk and walked towards the window. I opened it so he could get in. I wondered why he had come. Did he come to break up with me? Panic washed over me again.
He climbed through the window as soon as I had managed to open it.
“Hi.” I said.
“Hi.” He said back. I saw in his eyes that he had way more to say, but that he hadn’t found the words. “why did you have a bottle of bleach in your hand?” he eventually said staring at the bottle.
I shrugged. “I had to clean up something I had spilled on the carpet.” I said dryly. It wasn’t a lie.
“Oh.” He said nodding and then he looked to his feet.
Things had gotten so awkward between us since the beginning of my zombie state. We hardly talked, hardly touched, hell we hardly even looked at each other. All because I couldn’t let him in. If I’d let him in, all my protection walls would tumble down. Maybe he should break up with me. And get with someone who deserves him. Someone who is able to love him back. I didn’t deserve someone as good as him. He was trying so hard to get through me, and now he had almost gotten afraid to say something wrong or to even look at me, because I was so cold towards him.
He licked his lips. “About what happened in the garage…” he started.
I interrupted him. “I don’t want to talk about it, Vic.” I said and I waved his words away.
He stepped a little closer to me, but I refused to look at him. “I’m trying so hard to help you, Luna. Why can’t you see that?” He said and his voice cracked of sadness. It made me want to hug him.
“I can see it. It’s just not my problem that you’re wasting your time on a girl that can’t be saved anymore.” I said. I wondered why he was still trying to help me after everything I did to him. I was so coldly shutting him out, I knew it hurt him.
“It’s because I love you. You can be saved, I’m sure of it. You just need to-“
“Don’t tell me what I need to do, Victor!” I suddenly screamed out. “You don’t understand a thing about what’s going on!”
I looked at Vic and he looked shocked. Shocked that I had let any kind of emotion out. “That’s because you don’t tell me anything!” he screamed back in desperation.
“Go away, Vic!” I yelled at the top of my lunges. Then I heard the front door slam shut. My dad was home. We had to be quiet now. “I want you to go, Vic.” I said a little quieter.
He took a deep breath and walked over to me, until he stood only a few inches away from me. It was impossible to not look him in the eyes now. “No.” he just said. He looked like he had scrambled together the last pieces of courage together to do this. He was at the edge of breaking. I knew if I would hold on he would break and go away, maybe even forever, but I just couldn’t let that happen. I knew it would be better for him to let me go, but I was too selfish to let him slip out of my hands.
Without thinking I pushed my lips on his. He was surprised for a few seconds, but then put his arms on my back and pulled me closer to him. The kiss brought back so much emotions. The butterflies in my stomach had been awakened and were now happily fluttering through it. My entire body got warm as our lips moved together.
It was like this kiss had made a hole in my defences and feelings like love and happiness came rushing back through it. It wasn’t long though until the other feelings had found their way through again too. Flashes of Leah’s limp body and Ryan’s evil face appeared through my mind.
I put my hands on Vic’s chest and pushed him away from me. “I can’t do this!” I said. I put my hands in my hair and started pulling it. My breathing speeded up again.
“Luna!” I heard Vic say and I felt a soft hand on my shoulder. I swatted it away, but didn’t succeed, because all the energy in my body went to my overworking lunges.
I got lightheaded again and I dropped to the ground. As soon as I did I felt two arms around my waist, catching me before I fell down. I sat down on the ground and heard Vic sit down next to me. I was still breathing very heavily, so I felt Vic gently push me down until I laid down on the carpet. He dragged me in his arms, so I was trembling out on his chest.
After a few seconds I calmed down and I just ended up listening to Vic’s heartbeat. His chest was slowly going up and down as he was breathing and the steady movement helped me to lose the panic in my head.
“Do you understand why I can’t open up now? All these things will come rushing back at me.” I said softly.
His grip on my upper arm tightened a little when I said it. “It will only get worse the longer you keep it in, though.” He said
I sighed and reached for his left hand. I took it in mine and almost let out a tear at the realisation of how much I had missed it. “I know. I just don’t have the courage to open up.”
“If I was able to give you the last bits of my courage, I would.” He said and felt a tear leave my eye. At this point I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. It felt like I had to jump of a building and trust him to catch me. Otherwise the ground would crush me.
“You have already done more than I could ask for.” I said as the tears were silently rolling over my cheeks.
“I would do it all over again and more.” He said and his words both scared me and made me happy. If he would stay with me, I would drag him down with me.
“Yes, I know. And that’s exactly why you shouldn’t.” I said with sadness now evident in my voice.
He held his breath for a second and then he turned me around so I faced him. We were now both laying on our sides and Vic had his hand around my waist. “What do you mean?” he asked.
I wiped away a few tears from my cheeks. “You have done so much for me already. You have gone through so much because of me. It’s all my fault. You would be so much better off without me. You deserve someone who isn’t totally broken and forever will be. You’re not the happiest person in the world either and I only drag you down.”
Sadness suddenly washed over his face. “Are you breaking up with me?” Tears were welling up in his eyes and he suddenly looked ten years younger. To be honest, I was going to break up with him. For his sake, but I just couldn’t do it.
I let out a breath and traced his cheek with my thumb. “No, I’m too selfish for that. But I’m just saying that I won’t blame you if you would leave me. You actually have a chance to be happy without me.”
He let out a breath out of relieve and put his hand over the hand that was on his cheek. “You don’t seem to understand that you’re being far from selfish right now. I wouldn’t know what to do if you’d broke up with me. I would completely fall apart without seeing you every day.”
I shot him a weak smile. “The day will soon come that you won’t like me that much anymore. You will then suddenly realise that the girl you fell in love with will never be the same again.”
He moved his hand away from mine and he took a piece of my hair and put it behind my ear. “I already realised that.” He said to my surprise. “It doesn’t matter if you’re not the same anymore, though. Everything you will go through will shape you as a person. This will shape you into a survivor.”
He reached for my arms and slowly rolled up my sleeves until my underarms that were completely covered in cuts. I gasped at the soft touch of his fingertips onto my still painful skin. “How did you know?” I asked looking at them.
“I have been depressed too, as you know. Maybe I still am, I don’t know. I just thought of what I would do if I felt like you. You wanted to keep the pain out. I knew this would be the only thing that would help.” He said calmly.
I couldn’t believe he had seen through me so easily. The painful hope that he would be able to help me rushed through my mind. It was a hope that I knew would crush me if I’d be wrong.
He leaned down and put a soft kiss on both of my wrist. I responded by giving him a kiss on the lips. I was pretty sure I had never been as in love with this boy as now. Everything he did or said seemed to be soothing me. Maybe it was just because I had been pushing my feelings for him away, like every other emotion in my body. And now they were rushing back at me, just as the pain and the sadness eventually would.
“Please let me in, Luna.” He said when our lips parted. His lips brushed against mine when he spoke. “please let me repay you for everything you have done for me. You saved me and all I want to do now is save you.”
I gave him a small kiss again. “I don’t get how I have saved you. From my perspective, all I have done is make things worse for not only you, but also for the boys and Casey…and Leah.” My voice broke at the last name.
“If it weren’t for you Leah would’ve never had friends, Casey would be swallowed in her thoughts and still cutting herself, Mike would’ve still hated me and everyone around him, Tony would’ve still been the shy guy that couldn’t stand up for himself, Jaime would’ve been a lot less happy all the time and me…I would probably be dead by now.” He said and I tried to process everything he had said. “I was in a very bad place when I met you, Luna. I’m pretty sure I would’ve killed myself if you hadn’t broken the pact.”
I couldn’t possibly believe I had such an effect on someone. I shook my head. After everything that had happened with my mom and Ryan, I didn’t have much confidence left. After being told you are an awful person repeatedly, you’re going to believe it. And it gets harder and harder to believe the people try who to prove you wrong.
He took my chin and dragged it up so I was facing him. “Nothing that happened was your fault, Luna. It was no one’s fault. These things just happened. No one is blaming you for anything.” His eyes were determined. He wanted his message to sink in. “We want to help you because we love you. You just got to trust us.”
I looked down at my hand when he let go of my cheek. “I don’t know, Vic…”
“do you trust me?” he asked and I already knew the answer. He didn’t ever do anything to let me lose my trust in him. I had every reason to trust him and yet if felt like I was ripping out my heart out of my chest and putting it in his hands. He could crush it with every move. “yes”
“Then let me prove that you’re not wrong to do that. Please let me in.” he said.

I sighed. I had been completely defeated. I knew I couldn’t let him in, but I had to at least try. Otherwise he would leave me, no matter how much he loved me. A person could only take so much.
“Okay.” I whispered as I laid down my hand on his chest. “But not now.”
Relieve washed over his face. “It’s a start.” He said and he leaned in to kiss me again.

*

Soon after that we moved to my bed and fell asleep there. When I woke up, the first thing I saw was a sleeping Vic. He had his hand between the pillow and his face, dragging his eye down a little. His mouth was slightly open
I giggled at his face, it looked sort of ridiculous, but cute.
Then he suddenly opened his mouth. “Are you staring at me?” he said with his raspy morning voice.
“No.” I said giggling.
“Liar.” He said opening his eyes. “Staring at someone who is sleeping is kind of creepy, you know.”
I pushed his shoulder, but the smirk on his face only got bigger. “Firstly, you weren’t sleeping. People who sleep don’t talk.” I said.
“Oh believe me they do.” He said. “Mike sometimes even yells at people in his sleep.”
I busted out laughing. It felt weird to be laughing after I hadn’t done it for weeks. Like it was ten thousand times as intense. It made me fear for the other emotions to come back.
“So what do you want to do on this beautiful Saturday morning?” he asked. He was certainly a little happier today too. Maybe because he had a chance to get me back.
I shrugged. “Afternoon. It’s past twelve already. And normally I just sit here and do nothing.” I said. For some reason I didn’t really felt like doing that today. “I feel like making a long trip with your car or something.”
He looked confused for a couple of seconds. “Why?”
I shrugged again. “I don’t know. I just want to get away from here.” I said and I looked around my room. It felt like a prison now somehow. Now I had had a taste of normal living again. If I was going to do this and try to move on, I needed to do it good.
“Okay! Seems like a good idea. Let me just sneak out of the window again and then I’ll pick you up in a few minutes okay?” he said and he kissed me on my forehead before he left the bed. I said down on the edge of the bed, watching him clumsily climb out of the window.
I stared around my room for a few seconds. It was weird how my outlook on this room had changed within one night. One day actually. It had started when I called Jaime to walk to school together.
I took a plaid shirt out of my closet even though it was way too hot for that today. I had to cover up my scars for my dad somehow. They were red and puffy now. There was really no other way not to notice them.
Exactly half an hour later, the bell rang. I ran downstairs to see my dad opening the door for Vic. “I don’t think you have a big chance she will talk today, boy. She hasn’t come out of her room since she came home yesterday evening.” I heard my dad say when I was at the top of the stairs.
“Well actually I asked him to come today, dad.” I said when I reached the bottom of the stairs.
My dad turned around with a shocked impression on his face. “You did?”
I nodded and gave my dad a kiss on my way to the door. “I’ll be home before diner and otherwise I’ll call.”
My dad still looked a bit confused, but I had no need to explain to him. I walked out of the door screamed: “good bye, dad!” and closed the door.
When we were sitting in his car, Vic looked at me. “So where you want to go to?”
I took off my plaid shirt so I was only wearing my nirvana tank top. “I don’t know somewhere random.” I said as I threw my shirt on the backseat. Because Vic was the only one here, I could just wear short sleeves. It was way too hot for long sleeves anyway.
“Okay, sounds fun.” He said chuckling as he started the engine.
For hours we drove around, just randomly taking turns. ‘the better life’ by 3 doors down was in the CD player of the car and we were both singing along to the songs. It was weird how this CD already had a nostalgic feeling for me. We used to always listen to this CD when we were first hanging out. Which was only eight months ago, but so much had happened, that it seemed like years ago since we listened to this in our abandoned bus.
I had no idea where we were going and I don’t think Vic had either. We didn’t even mind if we got lost. We didn’t talk about anything deep or anything related to the kidnapping or Leah’s death. I was mostly postponing the subject and Vic was mostly just afraid to start about the subject I guess.
Only a few hours later, when we were driving on a high way, I realised I hadn’t had a flashback or panic attack this whole time. That hadn’t happened for a long time. Even in my emotionless state I thought a lot about the things that had happened in the shed.
When it was around six pm I called my dad with Vic’s cell phone that I would probably home a little later. I think he was just happy that I was doing things again.
Vic followed little signs on the side of the road that said that there was a diner nearby. Unfortunately when we arrived there, the place was closed by the police. Mmmh. Weird.
We instead got some ready-made sandwiches at a local grocery store and ate them. Honestly, the last few hours I had felt alive. I was just so scared it would all crash down on me soon. And it would. I knew that for sure. I tried to convince myself that it was all for the sake of getting better, but it still got me this nasty feeling in my stomach.
On our way back to San Diego, we stopped on a hill and sat down on the hood of the car. From the hill you could look over the city and the lights in all the building that were slowly turning on, one by one. The sun was starting to set and it reminded me of the evenings we had spent on Vic’s roof. Those memories always got me a very warm feeling inside. I knew that when I was older, I would look back at my high school time here and remember those evenings on the roof. Although that was my goal. I wanted those memories to be the ones I remembered and not the horrible ones that were taking up my mind most of the day lately. Unfortunately I couldn’t erase them. I would’ve given anything to erase them.
“Who knew driving around would be so much fun?” Vic said, bungling his feet over the edge of the car.
“I did.” I said, taking a bite from a leftover sandwich.
“Have you done it before?” Vic asked smiling.
I shook my head. “Nah. I just felt like it was a good idea.” I said and I put the last bits of sandwich in my mouth.
Vic chuckled. “That’s one of the best things about you. You just have these random ideas that turn out to be amazing.”
I looked over to him and saw him stare at the sun set with wonder in his eyes. It made me want to see the world through his eyes. Eyes that still had faith in the world.
“Oh well, I try.” I said looking down at my hands.
We stayed silent after that for a while. I used to not mind the silences a lot. Now, they give me the space to think, which I didn’t want to do. Who knows what I would think about now my defences were down.
My mind wondered to the moment in the shed. The moment when Ryan decided to cut open my cheek. “Shall we finally have some fun with this?” echoed through my head. The fear I felt right then came back at me. I needed it to go away. I just couldn’t face those memories. I need to forget them. This day I had felt better than the other days, but I should’ve known it wouldn’t last for long.
Without realising what I was doing I started scratching my cuts open again. Only when the physical pain took over my mind, I realised what I was doing. I looked down at them and saw that some were bleeding again.
At that moment Vic looked over at me and the smile quickly faded of his face. “What are you doing?” he said carefully.
“I didn’t realise I was doing it, Vic. I swear.” I said and I looked down at my fingers. Underneath my nails was fresh blood. It reminded me of the blood that I had under my nails the first days after Leah’s death. Leah’s blood. All my muscles tensed in shock.
Vic swung his arms around as a response of my sudden movement, but that just made it worse. I let out a short scream, but immediately stopped when I realised it was Vic and not Ryan. “I’m sorry” I said and leaned my head on Vic’s shoulder.
“It’s okay.” Vic said and he started stroking my hair. “You are traumatized, it’s not your fault.”
He lifted my head from his shoulder and got inside the car. When he got back, he had a package of tissues with him. He stood across from me and started cleaning my cuts. I suddenly realised how lucky I was with him. This was the type of guy that cleaned up the scars on my skin. He wasn’t afraid of my past and I needed that, because I was scared of them myself.
“Thank you.” I said weakly.
“It’s no problem at all.” He said while throwing away the tissues in the nearest trashcan. “What goes through your head when you’re having those attacks?”
“Just flashbacks.” I said shortly. I knew I promised him to open up to him, I was just so afraid of those attacks to come back.
He just nodded as he took his place next to me on the hood again. “Flashbacks of things that have happened in the shed?” he asked. I hated that he kept asking. I didn’t want to let go of the rope I was so desperately hanging onto.
I nodded. “and of Leah’s death. Now it was a mixture of both.” I said hoping he would drop it.
“what do you mean? What did you think of?” he asked, staring in front of him. I shot him a terrified look, but he didn’t look at me. I think it was because he knew he would give in and not let me tell him if he did. He needed answers and I understood.
“I thought about the time Ryan cut my cheek with a knife and then poured salt in it. And then I looked down at my fingers covered in blood and it reminded me of my fingers just after I was just freed. Leah’s blood had been underneath my nails for days.” I said and the entire time I was talking I was focussing on controlling my breath. I felt it head towards another panic attack again.
Vic looked my way and his face was covered in horror. It obviously shocked him. I couldn’t blame him. No one knew what being kidnapped or seeing someone dying was like until they went through it themselves.
I looked away from Vic’s face. “Yeah well, you wanted me to open up. Still think it is a good idea?” I said snapping at him.
“Yes.” He said, but sounded weak. “I know it’s going to be fucking hard, Luna. But you need to talk about it. You need to deal with it, otherwise you will be trapped in this forever.” He said.
My mind said he was right, my heart refused to believe it though. It told me there was no way for me to move on.
“I can try, I guess.” I said. It would be the last attempt. I didn’t tell him, but if this didn’t work, I would end it all. Without doubt.
Vic got of the hood and walked over to the spot in front of me. He took both my hands in his. “Just know that you don’t have to do it alone. Me and the boys will be here for you.” He said.
“That’s not entirely true.” I said looking down at our hands. “Like Casey said in her letter to you: you guys can only cheer me on. In the end, I have to do it by myself.” I looked at the pink sky behind Vic and the skyscrapers that were slowly turning darker. “But you guys deserve answers, so at least you can move on.”
That thought was my motivation to open up. I could only imagine how many questions they had. Maybe when they had heard my story and realised how bad it was, they would finally let go of the thought of helping me.

Notes

heyeyeyey

Sawrry. I haven't updated for too long :'(. Senior year is killing me. Too much responsibility! i don't want to grow up! Take me to neverland Peter Pan! Well, at least i will probably be writing more of this story soon. I have finished my other story two days ago, and even if I will write an epilogue or sequal, It will take a few weeks before I will write that one again. So at least I can focus on this one and my collaberation story now.

soo yeah, speaking about sequals. I'm starting to doubt about making a sequal for this one. i really want to, because this is my favourite story I've ever written, but I used a lot of the story line that I was gonna use for the sequal in this one so yeah. I don't know if that makes sense.

xxxxx


Nicky