Worlds Over, Time to Die. Nothing Left but our Souls Inside.

I used to look forward to my birthday. Normally that meant a crazy party I wouldn’t remember the following morning. As a child it meant spending time with my family. Now I’m was down a brother and a father, a mother who had shut down, broken families, a semi functional relationship, and a child in a zombie infested world. I really hoped I could just forget this day entirely but that wasn’t the case. I remember a bit too well and as soon as the sun started to rise, I slipped away from my sleep child and Danielle and found my way to the roof of the current house we were in with this little book. From there memories of a happier time flooded my brain and I let them.

-9th birthday-
“Victor!” my mom yelled from the livingroom. I ran in with Mike hot on my heels. “What have I told you about running in the house?” she scolded the two with a smile.“Better behave. She might just take your gifts back or worse, she might not make burritos!” their father teased from his chair. Mom reached over and lightly swatted his leg, earning a laugh.“Here mijo,” she said, motioning for me to open the wrapped gifts on the floor.

I fell on my knees with Mike right beside me and tore into the gifts. The first one was a guitar amp. I quickly tore into the next one which was a cord to hook up to the amp. With my heart racing I tore into the final, and biggest one. I let out a squeal as I saw an electric guitar. He played it well into the night with Mike right beside him drumming random beats on the headboard of his bed.

-13th birthday-
I had invited all my friends from school. We had just gotten a pool and I had gotten the okay to have a pool party. Dad had spent most the day on the grill while mom baked the cake and cooked in the kitchen. Mike and I got the water guns full and filled over 100 water balloons we were planning on using. I was anxious that no one would show up but the doorbell rang and the first kid came in followed by the rest shortly after.

All too soon the house and backyard was full of soaking wet teenagers. Some were in the pool while others were being chased by the water guns and balloons and some were eating the smorgasbord of food offered. When the time for cake and presents came, I was just happy that people had shown up. I ended up with a few cards, some clothes, a few little things here and there. However, the most important present didn’t come until later that night.

Mike and I were laying in bed when I heard him climb out of it and turn on the light. I sat up and looked at him but he ignored me and searched around the closet for something. He found whatever it was and came up with a giant smile on his face. He held up a wrapped package and gave it to me.“This one is from me,” he told me proudly. I smiled at him and scooted over so he could climbed into bed with me as I opened it. I pulled the paper away to reveal a notebook. When I opened it the logos of my favorite bands were doodled on the front and back cover. On the first page was my brother messy handwriting:

‘Vic, my older and only brother, Happy birthday! You are on old smelly teenager now. You can see PG-13 movies now. You have to make sure to tell me what happens when you go see them. Oh that’s not what this is about though. This is for all your songs. You always sing them and play them but you never write them down and then get mad that you forgot them. So you can write them all in here and never forget them. Then we can start our band and become rich and famous. Make sure you add drum parts for me too cuz you can’t have a song without the drums.

I love you
Mike, your younger and only brother’
-18th birthday-
I didn’t want to do anything crazy for my 18th birthday. So my parents, Mike, and I all went to the beach and spent the day out on the water enjoying the sand and sun. We ate the lunch mom packed and she even surprised me with a cake. We stayed on the beach and watched the sun set. Mom and dad were cudled up on one blanket and Mike and I sat by on the ocean’s edge and talked music and our band. When we finally made it home and showered and I was getting ready for bed when Mike knocked on my door and walked in. He drug me with him to the garage where he proudly presented a new, and bigger, guitar amp. He had saved all his money from chores and summer jobs to buy it for me. That night I couldn’t help it as I cried tears of happiness and thanked God for my amazing little brother.

-21st birthday-
I didn’t want to go out but all my friends had finally convinced me to do it. I hadn’t wanted to leave Mike behind but he nearly pushed me out the door, probably to get some alone time with his girlfriend. I let my friends led me to bar after bar and fill me full of drink after drink. I remember being on a table at one point in time, my shirt vanished at some point, there was a girl, glitter, a crown, some food, then my house.I woke up the next morning on my livingroom floor, hugging a trash can with a shirt or my shoes. Next to my head was some pain meds and a bottle of water. I winced in pain as I sat up and took the meds. I wasn’t sure of the events that had went down that night but I knew I had collapsed on the porch which meant that Mike had brought me in and take care of me.

-25th birthday-
There was never a party quite like a Warped Tour birthday party. We played a show and as soon as we were off the stage, the drinks started flowing. We hadn’t even made it to the bust and I had downed a beer and had two shots. We had a small party on the bus until the other bands drug me out and we partied in the parking lot. There was a lot of liquor and alcohol involved, some beer pong, and even a few very hairy body shots. Mike and I had a drinking competition that I don’t think there was any real winner for. I woke up on the wrong bus and we couldn’t even find Mike until we stopped at the next venue. He somehow ended up in All Time Low’s bathroom.

-30th birthday-
I finally got to spend a birthday at home. We weren’t on tour and I made sure to be home. I missed my parents and our little home celebrations. Mom and dad were thrilled to hear we would be home. Dad fired up his grill and mom went to work in the kitchen. All the band members came over and a few family members showed up. It was on of the most laid back birthdays I had had in awhile. We ate and sipped on beers while talking about everything under the sun from sports, to tours, to embarrassing childhood stories. That night Mike and I stayed at our parents house.

As I laid in bed, I pulled out a old tattered notebook that I had received birthdays ago. The logos were faded, pages were torn, and it was nearly falling apart. Yet it was one of my most valuable possessions. I had wrote many of our songs in it and I had no blank pages left. I re read the very first page so many times I knew it by heart. As I was going back through it, there was a knock and Mike walked in. He eyed the tattered book in my hands and let out a chuckle. He couldn’t believe that I still had it. I put it away as he climbed onto the bed with me. He handed me a small box. I opened it to reveal a guitar pick but when I pulled it out I noticed it was a necklace. The pick had been signed by Dimebag Darrell himself. I knew it cost him a fortune. He just smiled at me as I added it to my notebook. We climbed out my window and onto the roof to stare at the stars and take in the peaceful night.

I tried, I really tried to rack my brain and remember my last birthday but no matter how hard I try I just can’t force it to come to me. It’s like it never even happened. I know I had spent it with my friends and family but I don’t remember everyone there or what even happened. That scares me. I don’t want my memories to fade. I don’t want to forget. I want to believe that better days will come. They have to right? This suffering has to have a meaning. This can’t be for naught. One day we have to look back on this and say we survived.

If I could have one birthday present, I want my family back. I want my dad and my little brother back. I know I’m not alone but I feel like it without Mike. He wasn’t supposed to go first. He always called me the old man. I wasn’t supposed to outlive him.

As I sit here and see the sun come up, I feel like he’s next to me. I pretend at least that he’s with me. It’s my birthday, I’m allowed to dream. I hear someone below yelling my name but I don’t feel like facing reality just yet.

Oh, someone’s coming. I can hear footsteps. It’s mom.

She knew where to find me. She sat with me for a while and held me while the sun came up. We watched it in silence. Finally kissed the top of my head and told me what she had told me for the past 33 years,

‘Feliz cumpleaños y muchos más por venir mijo. Te amo.’

Notes

Happy birthday Vic! May all your birthday's be happier than this one. I know you had a good one today with a rad cake, I saw it on snapchat!

Anyway that's all I'm going to say about that.

Instead let's play guess who was the guest updater this round for Dev? Any guesses??