Turbulence.

Tony held my hand as he led me up the stairs to my apartment. The ride home wasn't awkward at all, like I had originally expected it to be. Tony just nodded at my request for him to stay, then turned on the CD that was in the player. He kept looking over at me, nervously then he hesitantly grabbed my hand, holding it between us. I let him. I know he was doing it for comfort and if I had pulled away, we probably would've started arguing. And maybe, something in me liked my hand in his. I squeezed his hand and smiled at him. A shade of crimson quickly found it's way to his cheeks. Then the smile I gave him, turned into a real one. After that, we both watched the road, listening to what was currently My Chemical
Romance's Cemetery Drive.


"I know this is your place... but do you want anything? Like tea, coffee, water?"
I shrugged and walked close to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. I guess it took him by surprise because he stiffened up before wrapping his arms around me. I guess he was taking whatever from me that he can, because he knows as soon as I sober up, or get over whatever I'm feeling for Mike, it's back to me yelling at him.
Is that why I asked him back to my house? Because of Mike? Something in me felt like that's why I did it, but at the same time I didn't want to believe it. Maybe I was just finally giving Tony his chance.

Hugging Tony in my kitchen, it made me realize that this wasn't me just giving Tony a chance. It was me getting back at Mike. If he was going to get angry at me because of Tony, there was going to be a reason more than him just kissing my cheek. But then again, I didn't want him to be mad at me...
"I know you guys weren't together, but I'm sorry he did that to you."
"Shut up about him and just hold me."
I heard him quietly chuckle before his grip around me tightened.
I don't know how long we stood there, in the middle of my small kitchen, but I could have stayed there forever and been fine. I'm assuming it was the small bit of alcohol in my system that allowed me to put up with him, or maybe the fact I know Mike is crawling into his bed with some blonde girl. Maybe I should crawl into bed with an old high school friend.
I pulled away from Tony, gripping the front of his shirt before pulling him down to me and smacking my lips against his. I know that had to of surprised him, but he kissed back. It made my heart flutter. The thought of me kissing the guy I was once madly in love with. Since my intentions were to take him back to my room and do more than just kissing, I felt my face heating up from thinking about it.

I pushed that thought aside and focus on Tony's lips against mine. They were always my favorite thing about him. Still the same as when we dated. Just like the kiss was, the same. Full are love, with a little bit of lust behind it.
He slowly pulled away, cupping my face with his hands. He looked me in the eyes, confusion was written all over his face. He spoke softly, barely above a whisper. We were so close, why need to speak louder?
"What... what was that for?"
I shrugged and walked over to my freezer.
"Not sure. But let's play a game."
"Oh god. 'Never have I ever'...?" He rolled his eyes at my childishness.
"Of course. We have catching up to do, Perry."


We sat across from eachother, indian style, in the middle of my kitchen floor. We both held a Jameson Irish Whiskey bottle by the neck. Somehow this catching up turned into 'only sex questions'. All though it did start out as innocent as a drinking game could. Ranging from embarrassing stories, what we did after school then lead to our frisky and steamy hookups.
In between, we'd break out in fits of laughter but one of us would get us back in the game.
Somehow, my bottle seemed to have more alcohol missing from it. I hadn't noticed until I tried to see who was winning. Even though Tony was winning, he was still drunk. Slurred words, stumbling over things when he gets up to pee, and alot of touching. He always seemed too get touchy when he was drunk. Jaime used to make fun of him because back at the high parties, Tony would get shit faced and hug onto Jaime's arms. If he couldn't find Jaime, it was Brandon's arm. That, or he'd make me sit on his lap while we all sat around and talked.
Tony held the neck of his bottle and moved it in a circular motion, watching the liquid spin, either he's forgotten that it's his turn or he's spent the last five minutes trying to figure out a good one.
"Never have I ever... had sex in the back of a pickup truck."
I rolled my eyes and took a swig of my bottle.
"1995 Dodge Dakota. It was fourth of July. I was out with Hailey and a few friends. Country boy visiting. Why not give him a good time?"
"So drummers and country boys? Damn. I'm neither."
I laughed and lightly pushed his shoulder before looking at the ceiling, trying to figure out the next thing to say.
"Never have I ever.... "
My mind quickly went back to the hot day. It was nice laying out on the beach in bikinis, watching the fireworks, swimming in the ocean. It was also nice to have someone with a country accent flirting with you all day long. I was always a sucker for them, even though I disliked country music. Hailey and I need to hang out more often. When Tony came back into my life, I was scared Hailey was going to try to hook up with him. I didn't drop her as a friend completely, I just haven't spent as much time with her as I used to.
I mentally slapped myself for letting my mind wander over to Hailey as Tony sat not even a foot away from me.
I adverted my attention from the ceiling to Tony. His brown eyes stared at me, the outside corners of them scrunching up from his toothy smile. I couldn't help but outline his lips. The way his top lip went up into little points where my lips are rounded at the top. His bottom lip was plump compared to mine. I was actually jealous because of how perfect and kissable they looked.
Kissable?
Really?
Because of that thought, I was glad for the amount of alcohol I had already consumed. It had turned my face red a few swigs back, hiding any blushing that I could be doing.
"Never have I ever done something that I regret."
"That's not a sex question. But I'll still drink to it."
My eyes were still glued to his lips as they wrapped around the translucent green bottle.
"You."
I watched his eyes flicker from mine to his hands.
"Oh. Gee thanks." I rolled my eyes and chuckled. I was too drunk to actually give a damn about what he had to say.
"No! I don't mean I regret you! I mean,--" His fingers quickly made their way to his hair and he nervously ran them through it. trying to find the right words to say.
"I've told you this before...."
"Tone. Stop. It's fine."
He nodded as a small smile returned and suddenly I had another thing to say.
"Never have I ever..."
"It's my turn, Dee."
I shook my head and smiled at him As I spoke my voice seemed to get softer the closer I leaned in.
"Never have I ever wanted to kiss someone as bad as I want to kiss you."
He smirk and placed his hands against my jawline.

I just smiled at him, and repeated what I had done earlier. Gripping his shirt and pulling his lips against mine. Only this time, slightly biting at his bottom lip. And just like that, he was fine with me taking his turn in the game. He tangled his fingers into my hair and kissed me hard.
Just like he had done before, he pulled away. He let go of me then with his palms flat on the floor, scooted himself away from me.
"As much as I want to, you know I can't."
"So that's cool. You can't fuck me when I'm your girlfriend, you can't fuck me when I'm not. But you sure can fuck my best friend."
Why was I getting so angry that he had rejected me? Isn't him rejecting me a good thing? At the beginning of the night, I wanted nothing to do with him and now... now I'm asking him to have sex with me.

I stood up and turned away from him, making my way to my bedroom, giving him the option of leaving or sleeping on the couch.
As soon as my fingers wrapped around my door knob, he grabbed my waist, spinning me around then pulled me against him and kissed me, all in one swift motion that left me breathless.
He opened the door, lips still connected to mine then quickly hoisted me up, wrapping my legs around his waist.
Is this what I wanted? Will I feel accomplished that I've slept with Tony, or feel like shit that I'm trying to get even with Mike?
I'm mad at Mike for doing that to me, why the hell am I doing it too?
All thoughts quickly vanished as I was falling from Tony's arms onto my soft bed. He crawled ontop of me then made his way to my neck, finding all of my spots as if he had practiced with me so many times that he was an expert at this.


He slowly laid me down on the bed and leaned in to kiss me. Our lips moved as one and he would lightly bite my bottom lip, getting small moans to escape my mouth, that is until I felt and heard our teeth collide. He pulled away and laughed. I couldn't help but think he was laughing at my inexperience. Here I was, half naked, pinned under a guy that I've heard so many girls talk about wanting to be with. Me - his best friend - his girlfriend - the virgin. Even talking about sex makes me blush and nervous. How did I get myself into this one?
Oh yeah. Maybe because I'm head over heels for this guy and would do anything for him.
His kisses made the pit of my stomach drop then fill with butterflies. He can lay his hand on my back and when he pulls it away, it feels like it's on fire, but only in the spot he had touched. I never understood why, when before we dated, everything was just fine. Now I'm always worried about if my skin is soft enough or making sure my lips aren't chapped. I had never cared so much until Tony had asked me to be his girlfriend. I think my self-consciousness has gone up since I've been with him. All his ex's are beautiful and picture perfect. Then there's me. Nothing special.
"Baby, you're thinking to much. Just relax."
Butterflies started again at the common pet name. He's called me it so many times before, but now that he's ontop of me and saying it, it sounds completely different.
I slightly nodded and leaned up to kiss him, making sure to go slow so our teeth wont clank together again. This time wasn't as bad. Of course, I've kissed him and other people before, but not enough to be skilled at it.
I was actually starting to wish I was with people before Tony, just so I can impress him and not make a fool out of myself.
His hands slowly made then down my bare stomach, leaving goosebumps under his fingers touch. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe in deep, convincing myself that this is what I want. That I've wanted this since I met him, which is it. Jaime, Tony and I would be at Tony's house and Jaime would leave before I would. Something in my always wished Tony would get some type of courage to just lean over to me and kiss me. He never did, but I always hoped.
Before the convincing stage was complete, my arms were pushing Tony away.
"Something wrong?"
I sighed and looked down knowing that my face is probably bright red. I was so confident in myself earlier. It started off wonderful. We were watching movies and I was the one who made the first move, wanting it to lead to this. My lips were connected to his, then to his neck. While my hands were roaming where ever they pleased on his body. I actually got some type of confidence to throw my leg over him and straddle him on the couch. I wanted him. I wanted Tony Perry all to myself.
I shook my head 'no' and gripped his white tee shirt close to the collar, pulling him down ontop of me and wrapping my legs around him.
He flipped us over and that's when I realized that my fingers, hands, arms, legs, everything, were shaking as I hovered over him. Slowly moving down to Tony's bottom half trying to unbuckle his belt. My fingers didn't want to listen. Finally, after watching me struggle, he pulled me back up to his mouth, kissing me, while taking his belt off himself. He reached for the button on my pants and when it was between his thumb and index finger, he held it there. Unsure if he wanted to unbutton them.
He slowly let go and laid his forehead to mine.
"I can't, Dee..."
I sat back and looked down at my shirt on the floor.
"Oh... It's because you already know I'm bad at this, huh?"
He quickly sat up and wrapped my arms around me, laying his head on my chest.
"No, no! Of course not. It's actually really cute. Because I know how embarrassed you get over the smallest things. Like my belt and our teeth. I don't care. Because you pull away, blush, and try to regain your composure. It's fine and cute."
He laid back, propping himself up with his elbows.
"I just feel like right now isn't the time for us. We don't kiss in public, we've made out a few times, we've only been dating for about about two months. You haven't stayed a virgin just to give it up to someone after barely dating."
"We've been dating for about two months, but you've been my best friend for over a year."
He pecked my lips.
"And being your boy friend and best friend, I'm willing to wait for you."
I smiled. wishing that this sudden change hadn't happened.
He leaned over the side of the bed, carefully with me still sitting on his lap, and grabbed my shirt before helping me put it back on. He helped me up and lead me to the living room for our movie, whose menu theme had been playing on repeat for the past half an hour.


All I could do was smile about how Tony was ontop of me. But why? I hate him? I'm going to sober up and kick him out then after that probably try to ignore him. I don't want him in my life. But yet, a smile was plastered on my face as he left his fingerprints on me. His lips were still kissing my neck. along with his teeth giving me light bites. I liked that he had remembered that I told him I wasn't a big fan of having my neck bit, but anywhere else was fine. His left hand was up my shirt while his right was rubbing me by my hip bones, right above my jeans. My legs were wrapped around his waist and something in me couldn't help but grind against him. He didn't seem to mind it one bit. assuming by the noises he was making right below my ear.
"Keep that up, Nesmith. You wont be able to get out of this, this time."
His words were no longer slurring, but rather coming out in a low husky growl. If he ever talked to me while I'm standing up, it would probably make my knees go weak causing me to fall.
I smirked, contemplating my next move. I had gotten alot better at this, I knew whatever I would choose to do, wouldn't come out as sloppy and clumsy as it did back our first try, in his twin sized bed.
I quickly flipped us over, straddling and grinding, then gave him a conceited smile.
"Who said I wanted to get out of this?"
He shot me back the same look then sat up, placing his hand on my neck and kissing my lips. He broke the kiss to quickly grab the hem of my shirt and pull it up above my head. I mirrored his actions before he went back to kissing me, sliding his tongue across my bottom lip.
His hands made their way down to my hips and firmly gripped them, helping me grind against him. As if I needed the help.

~

Tony laid to my right, laying on his stomach and facing away from me. Other than my ceiling fan, his snores were the only sound in my entire apartment. I was scared to look at the clock, even though I knew it was already past 5 in the morning. I had been laying wide awake in my bed for hours hating myself for allowing myself to have sex with Tony. Actually, I didn't mind the sex part. for he was better than I expected. Which, I had set the bar pretty high. But what I did hate myself for, was feeling the way I did when it was over. I feel the way I did the first time him and I slept in the same bed. I just wanted him to roll over and wrap his arms around me, or touch me in some sort of way. I just wanted to feel his skin against mine.
Quite frankly, that's not even the beginning of my feelings. I couldn't even blame this on the alcohol anymore; I've been sober for the past two hours. To put things as simple as they could be, I feel as if I'm in love with him. Like all of my hatred for him left me and was replaced with all of my old feelings.
Thinking about having all my old feelings for him made my sick to my stomach. The thought of going through the nervousness, clumsiness, butterflies, doubts, or anything that had to do with love, made me want to throw up.
But yet I did the opposite and even though I kept telling myself no, my body didn't listen.
I rolled over so I was facing Tony's back before spooning him. Once I was settled, he rolled over and wrapped his arms around me. My face was in the crook of his neck and my body pressed tightly against his. which made me glad that I convinced him to put his boxers back on to sleep.
He kept his eyes closed as he whispered slow and tired words.
"I will not be the little spoon."
He kissed my forehead then about a minute later. the sound of his snores filled the my ears and the room.
Hours had passed and I was once again awake with Tony sleeping soundly next to me. Truthfully. I didn't know what to do in this situation. I have no idea if I did this because I wanted to get back at Mike, or if I had actually wanted to have sex with Tony. Don't get my wrong, the sex was...
The sex was amazing. He knew what to do with his fingers, tongue, he knew all of my spots, how to move his body just right. I honestly wouldn't mind getting it every night.
And right now, just the thought of him laying in bed so close to me was making my heart beat faster than it should.
I quietly groaned, trying not to wake up Tony. But he was suddenly awake at my ringtone going off in my pants pocket. Another groan left my mouth as I got off of my bed and searched for the source of my ringtone.
I felt like I was being slapped in the face as Mike's picture lit up my phone.
The picture was him sitting at a table with pizza in his hands, huge smile on his face, and cheese sticking to his chin. when he took a bite, all of the cheese had slid off and slapped against his chin. The sauce causing it to stick to him.
When I pulled up my phone to get the picture, he just smiled instead of fighting with me not to take it.

I cleared my throat and tried to act as normal as I could.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Lee. I was wondering if we could talk. And also I was wondering if you could call Tony for me and tell him that I'm sorry about last night. If he still wants the spot as our guitarist, it's all his? I tried to call him, but he's ignoring my calls."
"Oh. It's 'cause he's still sleeping. He drove me home last night and crashed on the couch while we were watching a movie. He's not actually ignoring you..."
"Yeah... Sorry about not being able to drive you home. Some things came up..."
Yeah. Like your dick.
I held my breath, making sure to filter my thoughts from what I was actually saying.
"It was fine. I played a game of pool then left. When I got home, I made us something to eat while we watched a movie then I went to bed."
"Oh. Well, uh, I'm glad you had a nice night. Anyway, Lee. I gotta get back to work. I get off at seven. Can I come over or pick you up after?"
I stayed quiet. Did I want to continue anything with him? I mean, here we are, both lying to each other. Maybe he wanted to apologize and he was gonna ask me out because he didn't want to be with the other girls. Or maybe he's going to tell me that he just wants me to be another girl.
"Y-yeah. Sure. I'll be ready and you can pick me up."
"Okay, bye."
I nodded and hung up the phone. I had to say yes. If I hadn't of said yes, thinking of what he wanted to talk about would've driven me insane. The next-- I looked down at my phone to see what time I had slept in to. 5:17 was displayed brightly on my home screen -- two hours were going to be hard enough.

~

"So, you're seriously choosing Mike right now? After he fucking left you last night for some other bitch?"
My hair fell flat against my face as I stood in the mirror. Tony stood behind me, nervously playing with his lip rings. I ran my fingers through my wet hair, trying to get rid of any traces that I had put mousse in it.
I wanted to forget how the previous night played out. But of course, I couldn't let him know that. I couldn't let him know that Mike had some how gotten to me in a romantic way, that what he did, did in fact hurt me. I've told Tony multiple times that I'm done with love. I can't just take it back. I also wanted Tony to just give up and leave, but I knew he's going to be trying harder than ever now that we've slept together.
I also didn't want Tony that I might feel something for him. I'm turning into someone I don't want to be.
I might be falling in love with Mike and I might still have feelings for Tony.
I want nothing to do with love and here I am, In too deep with two guys.
"Yeah. We're not dating. He wants to do whatever he wants, then fine. Just like I did."
"Oh. So you really slept with me just to be even with him?"
"We aren't dating. He can do whatever he wants, as I can too."
"That's just as bad as what he did to you."
Just drop the fucking subject Tony. Of course it's just as bad, but we're not together. We haven't talked about seeing other people or if we were going to get serious.
"It doesn't matter. When he's with me, he's only worried about me. No one else. He treats me good."
"But you don't want him running off with other girls."
Of course I don't want him to, you fucktard. Just like I didn't want you going off and fucking my best friend. But that happened anyways, didn't it?
Everytime a bitchy comeback came to mind, I held my breath like I did earlier with Mike.
"I could treat you better than him! Dee, I don't want anyone else but you. I know. It's stupid. But I can't get over this. I can't get over you!"
"No. Tony. Mike treats me just fine. He treats me how friends with benefits are supposed to be treated."
"But i could treat you more than that! You know! As an actual girlfriend! I don't even want sex from you! I mean, it was fucking awesome and all, but I just want you! I want to lay in bed with you, when you're not drunk and scared you're gonna throw up! I want to cook crazy ass meals when we're high! Or - or walk in the rain holding hands. I just want you by my side! I don't want to see you get hurt by Mike! I know you. Tell me that I don't all you want, but I fucking do. You tell everyone that love isn't for you, but I know that's all that you want. You're one of those hopeless romantic girls. I know. Because of the way you lit up
when I did those kind of things for you. I get it, Dee! You told me I fucked up, well I guess I did then. But that was over a year ago. How long are you going to keep reminding me?!"
I stared at Tony through the mirror and watched as he wrapped his arms around me and turned me around so I faced him.
"I REMIND YOU, BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO HATE YOURSELF!"
I pulled myself away from him, only for him to hold onto me tighter.
"I want you to hate yourself as much as I hated me for it. I knew you were cheating on me, but something in me hoped that after you did it once, you'd realize it was wrong. But I let myself get pulled in deeper and deeper by you. I'm not giving Mike that power over me. I refuse to let him hurt me like you did..."
I couldn't bring myself to look at him when I said it. I really hate telling Tony how I feel. It makes me feel so weak. Weak and small.
"And I do. I hate myself everyday for hurting you and fucking up. But that was the past. Here and now, I want to make it up to you."
I shook my head,
"Tony, It's--"
I was cut off by his lips being pressed against mine. He had his fingers lifting my face up to his. His kisses held alot more emotion than what they did the night before. It was like he was trying to prove it to me with that one kiss.
My stomach started to twist into knots and my face was on fire.
I pulled away from him, staring down at my floor, my finger tips lightly on my lips.
"Tony. I can't. I'm not going to let myself fall back into you. I know. From the outside it doesn't seem so bad, but it's just not going to work... There's just too much damage done..."
I turned around and mocked other's peoples opinions with a voice that was slightly deeper than my own.
"Oh wow. He cheated on you. People cheat all the time. Get over it."
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, squeezing my eyes shut tightly.
"But I never thought I'd be cheated on by someone who was my bestfriend, with my girl bestfriend."
I heard him sigh behind me and shuffle around.
"Truth is, I thought you cheated on me first..."
I turned around, confused and angry, glaring at him. He was sitting on my bed now with his head down,
clearly feeling like an idiot for thinking such things of me.
"Everytime I tried to spend time with you, it was excuse after excuse. I just thought that, that's what was going on."
"Really? You thought I cheated on you? With who? Someone from the school who's entire population hated me? I made a bad impression second week of school and it was over for me."


I walked through the blue and white hallways picking at my hoodie that was a few sizes too big for me. It hung almost to my knees. My black skinny jeans hugging my legs down to my ankles, where they bunch up over my Chuck Taylors. I think my Chuck Taylors became my favorite thing, due to the fact Tony and Jaime got bored and drew on them. My back pack was slung over only one shoulder. With every step I took towards the lunchroom. I felt my hair move around and tickle my forehead and cheeks. I sat down at the usual lunch table, waiting for the rest of the group to join me. My class had been released early, so the lunch room only had a few people sitting down in it. I wished that any of my friends would hurry up and sit next to me. From the corner of my eye I could see someone staring at me. After the two weeks of being here, it's safe to say that she's the 'queen bitch'. It was so stupid how every school had one. She was so popular even though most of the school hated her. This particular one was a junior, or was atleast supposed to be a junior. Failed so many classes that she's still a freshman. Her brown hair with blonde highlights curled and fell to her bustline. You could tell she was naturally pale, but with the help of bronzer, she had a tan to her visible skin. Her lips were plumped and covers with lipgloss as she smiled.
I raised my head from the table and looked over at her. She didn't try to advert her attention from me, she just continued to stare.
"Do you have a staring problem or do you just not have enough balls to say what you're thinking?"
"Nah. I'm just wondering how they let someone as disgusting as you into this school."
She lifted up her arm and made faint small lines down it with her nails, clearly talking about my scars. Come to school one day without a jacket on and everyone seems to notice.
"Yeah. I'm the disgusting one, alright. How many guys have you sucked off or fucked this week to help pass your classes?"
I smiled and put my hand down by my crotch, moving it up and down as if I was a guy masturbating.
She quickly stood up and from the next table down, threw her full lunch tray at me. It hit me dead in the face, slopping the food down my front.
I quickly got up and walked over to her. She stood a foot higher than me, with the help of her heels. She held her hand to her heart and pretended she was about to cry. Taking my silence for weakness.
"Awe. Baby gonna cr--"
With my left hand I reached up and grabbed a fistful of her hair and yanked it down before my right fist made contact with her stomach.
Mom had always told me if I was going to get a fight at school, make sure me getting in trouble is worth it.
She made a 'oof' noise and was quickly crying. My fist made contact with her gut one more time before I made contact with her eye. I was suddenly being lifted off the ground and pulled away.
"DEE! What the fuck are you doing?"
Tony set me down then turned me around to look at him. The girl, whose name I had yet learned, sat a few feet behind me, crying.
"Jeez. What happened?" He looked at the mess she had made and lifted up my hoodie, placing it beside me before taking off his own and handing it to me. It was the same one from when I first met him.
"She deserved it." I shrugged and released my clenched fist, dropping a few strands of hair. Extensions and her real hair.
Tony give me a weird look as I slung my backpack over my shoulder.
"Now, if I'm not in our next class, Perry, I was probably sent home. But for now, I'll be in the office."
I flashed him a smile and thanked him for his hoodie.


"Then when Sam told everyone that I broke up with you, for some odd reason, that made them hate me more. As if you were some type of God those stupid fucks looked up to. All the girls apparently loved you, when everyday you told me how lonely you were. The only people that ever talked to me was the small group of friends I was with daily, which I of course dropped when all they did was talk about you. You know, I got shit from girls for dating you. Mostly the girls you used to fuck around with. I knew that from the start, when they came up to me, I should have called it quits."
I shook my head and looked down.
"How is it to all of your closest friends, you were so lonely and broken hearted? You had all those girls. You just kept them hidden..."
"I know. But that's why the cheating started. I thought you were... it was tit-for-tat. You cheat on me, well, two can play at that. It's just that when it started, Sam begged for me not to cut it off. I did the same thing you did last night."
I shook my head and tugged on my lip ring, trying not to cry or show any other type of emotion.
"It was nothing alike. You [i]cheated[/i] on me with my best friend. I slept with someone while I was completely single. Nothing alike."
"Whatever you say, Lydia."
I closed my eyes, squeezing them tight, still trying not to cry.
"I hate you."
"I know you do. You've told me that probably over a hundred times already."
"No. Even more. How could you think I would scoop that low? I wanted to be with you and no one else. But you were too stupid to realize it. Those 'excuses' were real. My mother wanted me to find a job, so I could get this shitty apartment. My dad left her with nothing. Three kids to take care of. I knew I could support myself. I pay my bills, help her out with my two brothers. I'm the only child she has that still get's help from my dad... I get alittle bit of extra money from the G.I. bill. I was trying to move out and start my shitty life, support my family. I was trying to get ready for the real world. At one point, I wanted you to be in my life once I got it going. But now I'm trying to live it without my high school life being thrown up in my face constantly. But apparently that's not gonna happen because my high school problem is sitting on my bed right now."
Tony stayed seated and shook his head.
"I just don't want you going out with Mike."
"Well fuck you. You have absolutely no say in what the hell I do."
I quickly grabbed his arm and yanked him off my bed, pushing him towards my door.
"I don't want you to become someone's personal sex toy! Especially when he's got more than just you!"
Tony hands grabbed hold of my door frame, causing me to struggle to push him out as he fought back.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"
I dropped my arms that were pressed against his back and wiped my eyes, not letting tears leave them.
I will not care who Mike's with. I will NOT.
"Do you have to mess up everything that makes me happy?! You're like a fucking tornado. I decided back my senior year that I wanted you out of my life and I still want that! Now leave Mike and I alone! Last night between you and I never happened!"
"Last night wasn't the first girl he's taken home since you walked into his life! But ask him who Taylor is, or Maria, or- or.."
He held the bridge of his nose while squeezing his eyes shut, trying to remember another name.
"Brianna! It's an act, Lydia. All of this. He does it for them too. I know because he brags about it. 'cause you wanted to hide the fact we know eachother. He tells me everything, thinking I have no intention of telling you! Truthfully, yeah, he does treat you better than all of the other girls. Want to know why? Because apparently you're a better fuck than the others."
Tony stared at me, knowing his words are getting to me. His last sentence was getting to the both of us. I could hear his teeth grinding together as he tried not to get more pissed off at Mike for saying that about me.
"Watch, you'll go out with him tonight when he gets off work and by 10:30 you're going to be out of his house. Why? Because He's spending the night at one of their houses."
I shook my head.
"No. You lied our whole relationship and our friendship. Why the hell am I going to believe you now?"
"BECAUSE FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME! I WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR LIFE!"
"WELL STOP AND LET ME FUCKING MOVE ON! I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE AND I WANT TO FORGET ABOUT YOU! JUST FUCKING GET OUT! It's already bad enough you're still in the group of friends I have. I was over you the ending of senior year. Just because you come back into my life doesn't mean those feelings will too."
With one last shove I pushed him out my room and slammed the door shut, quickly locking it.
"Just because you locked me out of your room, doesn't mean I'm leaving."
I leaned against the door and slid down, hugging my knees and my head rested on the door. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I just wanted to give up arguing with him. I know for Tony to hear me speak, he had to of strained his ears.
"Tony... please. Don't make this any harder on me than it already is."
I could head him mimic my actions on the other side of the door, leaning on it and sliding down.
"Dee, I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I'm sorry I said any of it. Dee, please open the door."
I wiped my eyes but didn't move.
"Tony..."
"Lydia..."
I hated the way my name rolled of his tongue. It sounded so perfect, but I still never wanted to hear it. His voice was calm when he spoke, slightly muffled from the door, but I felt myself calming down hearing him. Just like he always did. He was the only person that could calm me. Whether it be by holding me or simply talking to me. It was always him...
"I just.... I just want to hold you until you believe that I've changed. That I wouldn't bug you so much if I wasn't planning on staying. I know you hate persistence, but I don't know what to do, Dee. I hurt you, and seeing you hurt was one of the worst things ever. I don't want you going through that again. I know. You say you have no feelings for Mike. But how long until that changes? How long until you realize that you do and when he tells you it's just sex?"
I mumbled out an "I don't know" and earned a sigh from him.
"Is that when you'd give me a chance? An actual chance, not just drunkenly getting back at him.... When your heart needs saving from Mike? When he leaves you and you're alone? Dee, I love you, but I don't want to be your backup plan. I want to be your now. Not your rebound."
The door jiggled against the frame, Tony's weight leaving it. I sat quietly in my room as I heard him slowly walk down the stairs.


I was up on my feet, running after him. When I finally made it outfront, he was in the middle of the parking lot, walking in the direction of his house.
"Tony! Wait!"
He stopped in his tracks and stared at me, all I could do was run towards him and hug him.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't want to be with him, but I don't want to lose him. All this time I said how I wanted to forget him, but now that he said he's done, why did I feel the need to stop him?
I had my arms tightly wrapped around him and after a hesitant moment, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head.
"What do you want me to do, Lydia? You don't want me to stay but you don't want me to go. Tell me, please, what do you want from me?"



"Dee, If you don't get in this water, I am going to climb up there and throw you in!"
I shook my head terrified of falling, even though I'd be falling and landing in water. I stood on a small cliff that from the top, had a few rocks leading down to the water. There was a tree at the end of the small grass and dirt covered ground. There was a long swinging rope with a few huge knots tied into it, which is also what I was clinging on as I looked down into the river's water. When I first saw the scene, I laughed at how cliche it was, that is, until Tony and I would sneak out and meet up here everynight. It soon became my favorite place.
He would bring blankets and food then after we laid out the blanket, we'd spend hours sitting or laying on it while talking. I'd cuddle up to him and with an extra blanket, he'd wrap us up. We'd star gaze, joke on eachother, come up with crazy scenarios
of how our future would be. The only difference between then and now, is the position of the sun in the sky.
"Tony! What if I let go at the wrong time and I get hurt!?"
"I'll tell you when to let go and I promise to catch you. I will catch you every time you fall!"
I gripped the rope even tighter and breathed in deep, trying to calm my nerves.
"You promised?"
"Of course I do!"
My feet were quickly off the ground, standing on the biggest knot towards the bottom of the rope. My hair was flying backwards as I started to swing forward. As soon as I heard Tony's voice yelling out 'now'. My hands reluctantly let go. My eyes were still tightly shut as I dropped less than ten feet. I felt Tony's arms on my back and legs for a briefcsecond before both of us were emerged by water. I quickly swam up and caught my breath, trying to calm myself down. When Tony surfaced, he quickly wrapped his arms around me.
"See. I told you I would catch you."


"My bestfriend back. Before all this bullshit."
"Then as of now, you have him back.... and you know what?"
He pulled away and moved his to my ear, and as if he was reading my mind, he whispered,
"I will still catch you."


Crazy scenarios..... That's what most of my life consisted of.
I stood up, leaving the door and walked to the window. There he was, back turned to me as he walked away. So this was it. Tony is finally giving up on me. I had to stop myself a few times from opening the window and shouting his name. It's better this way. I want him out of my life and now he's gone.
Now he's gone.

Notes

I'M SORRY! It had to be done. v_v

Title credit;;
The Story So Far - Clairvoyant