Through the Lens

By 2pm, we had all said goodbye to our friends and family. It was sad to see them all go, but we had 2 more weeks left on this tour so we would all be home soon. Before we left on the bus, Mike asked Trista out. He actually asked her before she did. They had kissed each other goodbye and Trista texted me after the bus left saying she missed him already. It was cute.

Kellin stuck with us for the rest of the tour because King for a Day was on the second half of the tours set list, and Vic needed Kellin for that. Last night after I had sang with Kellin, Vic was impressed. Everyone was. It was a secret talent of mine that not many knew. I loved singing but never followed it up as a career because photography took over my life. Vic actually offered to write a song we could maybe sing together for their next album. That made me beyond excited.

Everything was so perfect at this point in time. I didn't want anything to change.

We all sat in the bus towards our next destination: Zurich, Switzerland. It was almost a 4 hour trip ahead of us.

Vic and Kellin were jamming out working on a song together. Jaime and Mike were passed out in their beds in the back. Tony and I sat on the couch near the front of the bus with Vic and Kellin.

We talked for a while, but then decided to take a nap considering our bodies were all still regretting last nights drinking choices.

I had fallen into a deep sleep. Usually I didn't remember my dreams and nightmares, which was good, but this time I remembered it and I was in the dream. No, this was a nightmare... it was something that really had happened.

--DREAM--

"Razell! You fucking moron!" I shouted as I stood there soaking wet... in a white shirt, of course.

My best friend Razell stood at the top of his roof laughing at me. He had shoulder length choppy black hair, bright green eyes and very thin. He swept his hair out of his face and just smiled at me. "Maybe you shouldn't have been where I was dropping water balloons, ay Rax?"

Razell had been my best friend since we were 11. Not only were our names similar, but we were basically twins. We did everything together and liked all of the same things: food, TV shows and music. Him and I always got into trouble through out middle school and high school. At this point in our lives, I was 17 and he was 18. This was also the point in my life where I was at the peak of my depression. On the outside I was smiling and happy, but inside I was screaming desperately for help and no one answered.

Razell and I had dated before. He was my first kiss and the fist guy I had ever fallen in love with. After about a year we decided we were better off as friends, so we broke up and stayed friends. People thought it was weird how we could go from being together just to being friends, but we didn't think it was strange at all. Our friendship mattered over everything, and I mean everything.

One rainy night, I remember feeling helpless, trapped and the screaming inside of me finally got out. Red ran down my arms as I sat on my bathroom floor holding the cold razor in my hand. My tears fell into the drops if blood on the white tile floor. All of those feelings went away as I just felt numb.

My phone was vibrating next to me non stop. It was an old fashioned flip phone. My mom and I couldn't afford anything like iPhones or Sidekicks. I had 14 missed calls from Razell and multiple texts asking where I was and if I was okay.

"Does it look like I'm okay...?" I whispered to myself.

Thunder crashed and cracked outside as lightning lit up the sky through my window. I had no idea how long I had sad there just feeling numb. I rather feel numb than anything else in that moment.

I heard a noise from outside the bathroom door, assuming it was just my mom coming home. I heard the shuffling sound come closer.

"Raxella?!" a voice yelled from the other side. There were a few knocks on the door and then the sound of the person trying to open it, but the door was locked.

Dammit, Razell.

"What do you want?" I mumbled leaning up against the wall.

"Raxella, open this fucking door right now! I will break it down, I don't give a shit if I have to pay for it." he warned. I knew he would actually do it. He was reckless.

I sighed and pushed my back against the wall to get myself off the ground. I grabbed a towel from the rack next to me and put it over my cuts on my arm as I stood. I felt a bit dizzy from the blood loss. Razell was not going to be happy with me. He never was when I gave in and did this to myself.

I reached for the handle on the door and I turned it to unlock it. I looked through the crack in the door to see Razell standing there, soaked from running through the rain and breathing heavy with his hands on his knees. His eyes instantly locked to my hand holding the blood stained towel to my arm. He stood up straight and held out his hand to me.

"Let me see your arm..." he didn't even hesitate to ask.

"Razell, I'm-" I was cut off by him.

"Show me your arm, Raxella." he demanded.

I sighed, knowing how sad and disappointed he would be with me. I removed the towel from my skin to reveal 3 large fresh and bloodied cuts straight across my left arm. Scars from previous cuts could be seen next to them.

His hand grabbed mine instantly and he fell to his knees with his head hanging down. "Oh, Rax..." he sobbed.

"I-I know y-you're mad... I'm sorry, I j-just..." I whimpered as I saw him fall before me as my own tears began to fall again.

"No... no, I'm not mad at you... I can't be... I'd be a hypocrite." he shook his head as I could hear him continue to sob. He had his own scars. So many all over his arms that I could see. My eyes wandered over ones I distinctly remember bandaging for him. I had seen him in my same situation so many times, but I could never yell at him or be mad at him.

We were both messed up in the head, young and depressed.

I sank to my knees in front of him in the doorway, moving my other hand to hold his between mine. Our hands were both cold.

He looked up to me with his green eyes that were now red and puffy from crying. "You've wrapped up and bandaged so many of my cuts... please let me do the same for you..." he whispered.

I nodded slowly to him.

He cleaned up the blood on the floor so that we could sit as he cleaned my cuts with medicine and he bandaged them for me. He pulled my long sleeves of my gray sweater over my newly bandaged arms. We sat on the bathroom floor as the storm continued to rage outside. He just held my hand in his in silence as we listened to the rain hitting the windows.

He reached his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone from his pocket. It was the new iPhone that his dad had gotten him as an early birthday present. Razell came from a wealthy family. He had an expensive car already which his parents had gotten for him as well. I wasn't used to getting those kinds of gifts and I was happy when I got a new book or a bunch of socks for holidays and birthdays.

Razell's finger swiped down the screen as I could see he was going through his music. "You should listen to these guys, Rax. They're called Pierce the Veil. They just released their first album this year and they're really good." He was always excited to show me new music. He pressed play on a song called 'Yeah Boy and Doll Face'.

It was a good song and I really enjoyed the singers voice. Unknowingly, I tapped my knee to the beat of the song and I caught Razell smiling at me.

"Like them?" he asked.

"Yeah, they're pretty good." I answered with a slight smile.

From that day forward, I never used my razor again. I threw it away and I let my scars heal. A band had saved me with their music. There was only one day I thought of breaking down and giving in again, and that was the day that...

My eyes snapped open in the morning with my phone ringing over and over again. I looked at my phone to see the date October 18th, 2013. It was 9:03am I rubbed my eyes a bit and sat up in my bed to see 25 missed calls from Elia, Razell's fiance.

"What the hell...?" I mumbled as I was about to press the screen to call her back, but she called again. I sighed and answered it. She was probably locked out of her and Raz's house on accident again and she'd call me because I had a spare key. "Hey Elia, wh-" I was quickly cut off by the sound of her crying and choking back tears.

"R-Rax... Razell. He... He hurt himself. He..." she couldn't even talk straight she was crying so much.

What could have happened? What had happened to my best friend?

"He's dead, Rax!" Elia screamed into the phone as she continued to cry.

He was dead? Razell was dead? No, there was no way.

But it was true, all of it. My best friend was gone.

Notes

PLEASE READ!

This is actually a very very VERY important chapter to me about my best friend Razell who committed suicide in 2013. He is the person who showed me Pierce the Veil's music and is the reason I am still alive today. Every part of that nightmare was true.

Sorry for the sad chapter, but it's just something I needed to get off my chest as of recently.

10-18-2013