Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light
Thine is the Stillest Night
Tuesday, December Twenty Fifth, 10:23 A.M….
Austin’s POV
“So what’s up with Rory?” I asked the lady. We sat in what looked like an office. She took a chair across from mine. I fidgeted nervously. It was a habit. Mary-Ann handed me the portfolio. I switched my glance between her and the manila folder.
“Rory has recently started to show signs of PTSD, anxiety, and Rape Trauma Syndrome.” She said softly. I turned to the medical page and looked up.
“RTS? What happened?” Mary-Ann looked at her folded hands.
“When she was with Motionless in White, she disobeyed an order, or something caused Chris to snap. Ryan was drunk and…I think you know how this story ends.” She finished sadly. I nodded, dipping my head to look at the papers. It was filled with Alex’s handwriting on notes he took while observing Rory.
Will not sit still. Constantly moving, tapping her foot, etc.
Is very uncomfortable in social situations outside of the band.
Doesn’t like to be touched suddenly or unexpectedly (Ex: sudden hugs, picking her up, tapping her shoulder from behind…)
Only really trusts Zack. Constantly sticking by his side, a sense of neediness, needing to be around a ‘trusted person’.
Won’t make eye contact longer than a few seconds.
Doesn’t like to be in small spaces/crowds.
Night terrors. Had been sleepwalking once, tried to jump out the window.
Doesn’t like to talk a lot. Can be very quiet and shy.
I had to look away after a while. I couldn’t read it through. It was too painful just to read. I couldn’t imagine living it. I took the folder, gently closing it and letting it lay in my lap. I couldn’t meet the other woman’s eyes.
“When she first started out with All Time Low, they said that they didn’t see these. It sounds like it’s getting progressively worse and worse. One thing that I need you boys to do is to start to get her make her feel more comfortable around people again, get her acclimated back to life.” Mary-Ann asked me. I looked up, confused.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, she’s been away from people that have actually cared about her, been away from crowds and outside people. Basically, she’s been locked in a bus for three whole months. She needs to get outside, to learn to trust people again, to learn that not everyone is bad and going to hurt her. Right now, the PTSD and RTS is taking over her brain, making her very flighty. She’s making connections from things she sees or talks about to things that have happened on the buses. Did she see the way she hid and shook when you walked in?” Mary-Ann asked me.
I nodded. “I mean, a lot of people think I’m scary because I’m tall, so that’s what I thought it was.” I admitted.
“Take a look at page three.” She waved her hand at the folder. I opened it up. It was a portfolio of the Motionless in White band and their connections to Rory.
“What is it?” I asked curiously.
“Look at Ryan Sitkowski. Do you look anything alike?” She questioned seriously.
I shook my head.
“Not to you or any other normal person. To them, you’re two completely different people. But to Rory, you’re the same person. Her brain has analyzed Ryan, seeing his height, tattoos, and overall dominating nature. Her mind made the connection that even though you two look nothing alike, you’re both tall and have tattoos, so therefore, you are Ryan and you will hurt her.” Mary-Ann emphasized. My face fell. I didn’t want to seem like a bad person! All I wanted to do was help that beautifully sad girl out in the bar.
“But I’m not like that! I promise!” I defended. The woman nodded her head.
“Oh, we all know that, but Rory doesn’t know it. She’s now in survival mode, fight or flight. When the PTSD, Anxiety, and RTS all kick in at once, her brain is flooded with triggers and what we call ‘safety checks’.”
“What’s a safety check?”
“When someone has gone through that much trauma, the brain does anything to keep itself alive. It wants to eliminate all possible threats, by either fleeing or fighting any possible foe. It takes matches up certain traits from the past enemy to you and if you meet them, the brain has to decide if it wants to flee or fight. So when she saw you, she was more likely to flee when you made the safety check.” Mary-Ann explained. I nodded, understanding what she meant. We stood up, slowly walking back out to the bar.
“What can I do to help make myself seem less of a threat?” I asked her. She sighed, deep and long. There was a moment of pause before we rounded the corner to meet the two.
“Do anything you can to just make yourself seem friendly and a safe person. She doesn’t trust many, she can’t afford to. But everyone has a little niche, a little crack. Get hold of that, and you can help her.” Mary-Ann patted my shoulder. I thanked her and took a breath. Stepping out, I went back to the boy Jason and Rory.
She was shaking, leaning into Jason’s side. Her eyes met mine for a moment and then darted away. I could see what Jack and Alex meant when they wrote she wouldn’t make eye contact. I tried to scan her, to read her. What was that little crack, that little niche in her defenses? What could I do to make her trust me?
“I think the boys want to meet you, Orion.” I smiled. Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates. Jason helped me out by pushing her forward to follow me. I kept my eyes forward as I walked. The best I could do was keep my space, let her have her time to adjust. We passed by a mirror, I saw Rory following me a few feet behind, looking down at my feet.
“Okay, I have to go back to the band, Rory. I’ll keep up with you, okay? I’ll call in.” Jason promised. I turned around, seeing Jason tightly hug Rory. The girl, no more than eighteen, maybe nineteen, tightly clung to his chest, like she was a small child hanging to her father.
“Please call.” She begged him. I looked away to give them privacy.
“I promise. Be good for them. They’re here to help you out.” Jason whispered to her. She nodded and let go. Jason squeezed her shoulder and headed the other direction. I held the door open for the girl. She murmured a thanks.
I walked out behind her. She froze, seeming to shrink in her shoes at the sight of the bus. I really wanted to reach out and touch her shoulder, telling her it would be alright, but I remembered the notes and decided not to scare her.
Alan peeked out the window, closing the shades quickly. Rory jumped back at the sudden movement. She took a shaky laugh.
“Sorry, that was Alan. He gets really excited.” I apologized. Next thing I knew, Alan opened the bus doors and bounced down the steps, ready to give Rory a hug. I took a big step in front of her and Alan collapsed into me instead. He looked at me in confusion.
“Well I guess I’m happy to see you to.” Alan grumbled. I tossed him a look and the folder. I mouthed the word medical to him. He took my cue and stepped aside. I turned around to Rory who looked like she’d seen a ghost.
“Let’s get on the bus.” I suggested. She nodded and followed my lead as we stepped on. Phil and Tino were lounging on one couch, watching a football game. Rory stuck closer to my side as she passed the others.
“So this is our little home on the road. That’s Tino, Phil, Alan is the guy who tried to tackle you with a hug,” I laughed, lightening the mood. She cracked a smile, but she was too good of an actor for me to tell if it was real or not. “And that’s Aaron.”
“Hello.” She whispered. Everyone waved.
“So sorry if we’re all kind of loud. We’re a, you know, heavier band.” I apologized, rubbing the back of my neck. Maybe asking to be her Guides wasn’t the best idea in the world…
“I know.” She responded meekly as she shuffled slowly to the bunk area. I turned around.
“You do? You listen to us?” I ask. She nodded, just a curt bob of her head. I saw a spark gleam in her eyes, but it disappeared as soon as I caught it.
“Yeah. Restoring Force is a good album…” She murmured, ducking her head. Was this her niche? Maybe, maybe not… She still didn’t seem forthcoming about it.
“What’s your favorite song?” I coaxed, trying to get her to look up at me. Yes! That’s it! That’s my first step! If I can get her to look up at me and hold eye contact, then maybe she’ll be more comfortable!
“The Depths is good, I like Identity Disorder a lot.” She finally relented. Okay, so we had a music fan.
“Identity Disorder was a fun song to record, but making the music video for The Depths had a lot of energy to it, so that was awesome as well.” I shrugged.
“Yeah.” She whispered, a small smile creeping onto her lips.
“So this is your bunk. Mine is just above it. I’m warning you, I read late at night, so just kick the bottom of my bunk if the light is bothering you. Alan usually throws a pillow at me.” Austin chuckled.
“Damn right! You and your books…Geez.” Alan yelled from the front lounge. I saw her shrink against the noise. Okay, so loud yelling was another thing that she didn’t like.
“Feel free to get comfortable. Tino and Phil are watching some game out there. I’m sorry if Alan is a little bouncy. He probably had an extreme amount of caffeine today.” I smiled. She didn’t respond, but did nod. I walked away, seeing her disappear into her bunk.
I figured this could be a long few weeks.
Austin’s POV
“So what’s up with Rory?” I asked the lady. We sat in what looked like an office. She took a chair across from mine. I fidgeted nervously. It was a habit. Mary-Ann handed me the portfolio. I switched my glance between her and the manila folder.
“Rory has recently started to show signs of PTSD, anxiety, and Rape Trauma Syndrome.” She said softly. I turned to the medical page and looked up.
“RTS? What happened?” Mary-Ann looked at her folded hands.
“When she was with Motionless in White, she disobeyed an order, or something caused Chris to snap. Ryan was drunk and…I think you know how this story ends.” She finished sadly. I nodded, dipping my head to look at the papers. It was filled with Alex’s handwriting on notes he took while observing Rory.
Will not sit still. Constantly moving, tapping her foot, etc.
Is very uncomfortable in social situations outside of the band.
Doesn’t like to be touched suddenly or unexpectedly (Ex: sudden hugs, picking her up, tapping her shoulder from behind…)
Only really trusts Zack. Constantly sticking by his side, a sense of neediness, needing to be around a ‘trusted person’.
Won’t make eye contact longer than a few seconds.
Doesn’t like to be in small spaces/crowds.
Night terrors. Had been sleepwalking once, tried to jump out the window.
Doesn’t like to talk a lot. Can be very quiet and shy.
I had to look away after a while. I couldn’t read it through. It was too painful just to read. I couldn’t imagine living it. I took the folder, gently closing it and letting it lay in my lap. I couldn’t meet the other woman’s eyes.
“When she first started out with All Time Low, they said that they didn’t see these. It sounds like it’s getting progressively worse and worse. One thing that I need you boys to do is to start to get her make her feel more comfortable around people again, get her acclimated back to life.” Mary-Ann asked me. I looked up, confused.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, she’s been away from people that have actually cared about her, been away from crowds and outside people. Basically, she’s been locked in a bus for three whole months. She needs to get outside, to learn to trust people again, to learn that not everyone is bad and going to hurt her. Right now, the PTSD and RTS is taking over her brain, making her very flighty. She’s making connections from things she sees or talks about to things that have happened on the buses. Did she see the way she hid and shook when you walked in?” Mary-Ann asked me.
I nodded. “I mean, a lot of people think I’m scary because I’m tall, so that’s what I thought it was.” I admitted.
“Take a look at page three.” She waved her hand at the folder. I opened it up. It was a portfolio of the Motionless in White band and their connections to Rory.
“What is it?” I asked curiously.
“Look at Ryan Sitkowski. Do you look anything alike?” She questioned seriously.
I shook my head.
“Not to you or any other normal person. To them, you’re two completely different people. But to Rory, you’re the same person. Her brain has analyzed Ryan, seeing his height, tattoos, and overall dominating nature. Her mind made the connection that even though you two look nothing alike, you’re both tall and have tattoos, so therefore, you are Ryan and you will hurt her.” Mary-Ann emphasized. My face fell. I didn’t want to seem like a bad person! All I wanted to do was help that beautifully sad girl out in the bar.
“But I’m not like that! I promise!” I defended. The woman nodded her head.
“Oh, we all know that, but Rory doesn’t know it. She’s now in survival mode, fight or flight. When the PTSD, Anxiety, and RTS all kick in at once, her brain is flooded with triggers and what we call ‘safety checks’.”
“What’s a safety check?”
“When someone has gone through that much trauma, the brain does anything to keep itself alive. It wants to eliminate all possible threats, by either fleeing or fighting any possible foe. It takes matches up certain traits from the past enemy to you and if you meet them, the brain has to decide if it wants to flee or fight. So when she saw you, she was more likely to flee when you made the safety check.” Mary-Ann explained. I nodded, understanding what she meant. We stood up, slowly walking back out to the bar.
“What can I do to help make myself seem less of a threat?” I asked her. She sighed, deep and long. There was a moment of pause before we rounded the corner to meet the two.
“Do anything you can to just make yourself seem friendly and a safe person. She doesn’t trust many, she can’t afford to. But everyone has a little niche, a little crack. Get hold of that, and you can help her.” Mary-Ann patted my shoulder. I thanked her and took a breath. Stepping out, I went back to the boy Jason and Rory.
She was shaking, leaning into Jason’s side. Her eyes met mine for a moment and then darted away. I could see what Jack and Alex meant when they wrote she wouldn’t make eye contact. I tried to scan her, to read her. What was that little crack, that little niche in her defenses? What could I do to make her trust me?
“I think the boys want to meet you, Orion.” I smiled. Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates. Jason helped me out by pushing her forward to follow me. I kept my eyes forward as I walked. The best I could do was keep my space, let her have her time to adjust. We passed by a mirror, I saw Rory following me a few feet behind, looking down at my feet.
“Okay, I have to go back to the band, Rory. I’ll keep up with you, okay? I’ll call in.” Jason promised. I turned around, seeing Jason tightly hug Rory. The girl, no more than eighteen, maybe nineteen, tightly clung to his chest, like she was a small child hanging to her father.
“Please call.” She begged him. I looked away to give them privacy.
“I promise. Be good for them. They’re here to help you out.” Jason whispered to her. She nodded and let go. Jason squeezed her shoulder and headed the other direction. I held the door open for the girl. She murmured a thanks.
I walked out behind her. She froze, seeming to shrink in her shoes at the sight of the bus. I really wanted to reach out and touch her shoulder, telling her it would be alright, but I remembered the notes and decided not to scare her.
Alan peeked out the window, closing the shades quickly. Rory jumped back at the sudden movement. She took a shaky laugh.
“Sorry, that was Alan. He gets really excited.” I apologized. Next thing I knew, Alan opened the bus doors and bounced down the steps, ready to give Rory a hug. I took a big step in front of her and Alan collapsed into me instead. He looked at me in confusion.
“Well I guess I’m happy to see you to.” Alan grumbled. I tossed him a look and the folder. I mouthed the word medical to him. He took my cue and stepped aside. I turned around to Rory who looked like she’d seen a ghost.
“Let’s get on the bus.” I suggested. She nodded and followed my lead as we stepped on. Phil and Tino were lounging on one couch, watching a football game. Rory stuck closer to my side as she passed the others.
“So this is our little home on the road. That’s Tino, Phil, Alan is the guy who tried to tackle you with a hug,” I laughed, lightening the mood. She cracked a smile, but she was too good of an actor for me to tell if it was real or not. “And that’s Aaron.”
“Hello.” She whispered. Everyone waved.
“So sorry if we’re all kind of loud. We’re a, you know, heavier band.” I apologized, rubbing the back of my neck. Maybe asking to be her Guides wasn’t the best idea in the world…
“I know.” She responded meekly as she shuffled slowly to the bunk area. I turned around.
“You do? You listen to us?” I ask. She nodded, just a curt bob of her head. I saw a spark gleam in her eyes, but it disappeared as soon as I caught it.
“Yeah. Restoring Force is a good album…” She murmured, ducking her head. Was this her niche? Maybe, maybe not… She still didn’t seem forthcoming about it.
“What’s your favorite song?” I coaxed, trying to get her to look up at me. Yes! That’s it! That’s my first step! If I can get her to look up at me and hold eye contact, then maybe she’ll be more comfortable!
“The Depths is good, I like Identity Disorder a lot.” She finally relented. Okay, so we had a music fan.
“Identity Disorder was a fun song to record, but making the music video for The Depths had a lot of energy to it, so that was awesome as well.” I shrugged.
“Yeah.” She whispered, a small smile creeping onto her lips.
“So this is your bunk. Mine is just above it. I’m warning you, I read late at night, so just kick the bottom of my bunk if the light is bothering you. Alan usually throws a pillow at me.” Austin chuckled.
“Damn right! You and your books…Geez.” Alan yelled from the front lounge. I saw her shrink against the noise. Okay, so loud yelling was another thing that she didn’t like.
“Feel free to get comfortable. Tino and Phil are watching some game out there. I’m sorry if Alan is a little bouncy. He probably had an extreme amount of caffeine today.” I smiled. She didn’t respond, but did nod. I walked away, seeing her disappear into her bunk.
I figured this could be a long few weeks.
Notes
Okay, so we finally have a chapter up! So this is from Austin's POV. I would love to have some more comments on your thoughts about Rory and now this new that's taking her in. Please, feel free to comment!
Thanks for reading :)
Hahaha thank you! Sorry I was watching Jane Eyre with my mommy
5/10/15