Memories that Haunt Us

That night, I felt as if the world drowned in our tears.

They lowered his body, his casket, into the earth, consumed by the pain and grieving of those around him. Sara patted my shoulder sorrowfully as Austin and I cried into each other’s shoulder. Arabelle was sobbing and Beth was wailing as the procession broke and retreated under tents into the shade. Oli hugged Sara as she sniffed.

Austin and I cried on. This wasn’t right, burying our son at such a young age. Our roles should be reversed.

And so I cried on.

Oli, Sara, and Jordan Fish were taking care of Arabelle and Beth tonight. They offered to do that since we were both still mourning for our dead son. Austin and I were sitting on the couch, attempting to watch The Avengers, but it wasn’t cheering us up like we had thought.

All we could think of was that there was supposed to be a little boy sitting on our laps, clapping and cheering as Hawkeye shot down another alien.

There was no more of that.

There was no more “Uncle A-a-ron”.

There was no more begging for pancakes and whip cream.

There was no more of that.

There was no more Jonathan-Christopher. He was dead and gone, slain by the hand of James, who was also dead.

I never mourned for the monster.

Austin’s arms wrapped around me tighter as we both attempted to focus on the movie. He stroked my hair with shaky fingers and I sniffled with uneven breaths. The figures on the screen flickered back and forth in an epic battle, but we weren’t paying attention to that.

How does a parent recover after losing a child?

Austin didn’t have a son anymore. There would no more carrying on the Carlile surname and no boy to show around the stages. Sure, Arabelle always loved hanging out on the stage, but Tino and Phil had bets that JC would be a drummer.

No more of that dream.

“Hey, can I make you popcorn?” Aus whispered in my ear. I nodded, mind heavy with thoughts. Aus stood up and stumbled to the kitchen. The microwave door opened and closed as he put the popcorn bag in the container and started warming it up.

As I watched Captain America defeat another alien by punching him in the head, I thought of Ryker. Where was he now? After he dropped us off, he came to the funeral, but left immediately afterwards. I had his contact if I needed it, but I promised myself I wouldn’t use it for a while. He said he had some important business to attend to.

Whatever that meant.

Austin came back after he silenced the beeping and handed me a warm bowl of fresh popcorn. My stomach tumbled and turned at the thought of eating on a forlorn stomach. Even the dull colors of the sunset made me dreary and sad.

Iron man came into the picture and I nearly burst into tears. JC always admired the man in the suit. He had a little figure of him in his room. I don’t even know how I would ever step into that room again. It carried so many memories of beautiful times in the past.

As the ending started to play, Austin turned down the blaring volume. He pulled me into his chest and let my tears stain his Slipknot shirt.

“I bet Mitch is playing with JC right now.” He muttered, his voice cracking. I sniffled and nodded. The thoughts made me feel a little better.

“JC is probably bugging Lucker to play action heroes with him.” I chuckled half-heartedly. Austin kissed my head. I smiled a little, trying to imagine what JC was doing right now.

“And Mitch would be Thor….”

“And JC would want to be Iron Man…”

“And he would yell, ‘I’M BRINGING THE PARTY TO YOU!’” Austin laughed, tears welling in his eyes at the line that JC would always yell. It was from The Avengers in the big battle scene and JC had adopted that phrase whenever he would play superheroes with Uncle Tino (Who was always the Hulk).

There was a long moment of silence as we soaked in all of what had just happened between us. I sighed, hugging Austin closer.

“I bet JC has the most beautiful angel wings.” I whispered through the tears.

“I bet he does.”

Notes

Sorry that I haven't been updating recently! I'll be better about that! I've been working on my new story, Eternal, which you should all check out. I'll post another chapter in a little bit!!!!

Love you all and stay beautiful!