|June 2014|

“When’s Beau coming?” David asks as he paces back and forth outside the tour bus, thinking of every reason why he shouldn’t run to the OM&M bus and kick Alan’s ass.

“He said later tonight.” I mumble. I don’t know what made Alan turn his back on me. I thought we were fucking friends! But for him to just put me on the spot like that and blurt out the one secret that I wanted to keep a secret, at least from Austin, was now just out in the fucking open like a goddamn cloud.

All I want to do is grab a guitar and smash it on the side of his head (which I may actually do) because that was a dick move. I did nothing to him or to anyone. I was just being fucking human and humans make mistakes. It’s not like he hasn’t done a few things that I haven’t blurted out and I don’t attend to because unlike Alan, I’m a fucking loyal friend.

And all this thinking and worrying is just making me more pissed by the minute. “I need a drink.” I stand up off from the ground and start wandering the venue.

---

The alcohol consumed my body in a fiery rage. It was already night, the day dissipating into the clouds. I could hear their voices carrying on through the crowd, the sweet lullaby of their new bass player and the melody that echoed.

It’s no brainer who he wrote this song about and it burns. Both the alcohol and the words.

Words wear off, nervous paces.
Something's off, see it in their faces.

I let my head roll to the side, counting the stars overhead. They’ll never find me. I can’t even find myself, if I tried. It comes with all the free alcohol you could want.

Take away all of this emptiness I feel
'Cause I will never find another you.

I start to cry again, bringing the bottle back to my lips to fill the empty void in my chest.

I still hear you in this house
I still feel you in my bones
And like the portraits in the halls (can't help but think),
I wish you were staring back at me (but you're gone).

I reach into my pocket and take out the blade, the weapon of my self-destruction. I stretch my legs out in front of me, my decision to wear no pants is now serving its purpose.

So I'll carry you with me in my dreams, my memory.
So I'll carry you with me (you'll always be with me) in my dreams, my memory.
So I'll carry you with me, you'll always be my memory.

I’ll never make that kind of music again, the one that saves lives. That one that saved my life too many times.

I try so hard not to hear, but they talk so loud. Their piercing sounds feels my ears and try to fill me with-

“LIGHTS‼‼” The voices scream again. I froze for a brief moment, letting out a dark, dry laugh but none less, I continue to drink from the bottle, throwing the blade into the endless sea of equipment.

“LIGHTS!” I heard Garret’s voice as I leaned my head against the sound cart. “LIGHTS‼‼” I stand up and pull on my shorts and throw back on my shoes, stumbling around before I finally found the door. their voices were still too far.

Once I stepped foot on the ground my legs caved in and I crashed to the ground, closing my eyes and blacking out to the sound of my name.

---

I woke to the blinding light pouring from the window. I knew I was in someone’s tour bus, but who’s beats me. my head felt like someone had filled it with cement and it hurts to just turn over.

“You know, I would be the person to scream at you for drinking yourself silly, but I’m not, because I’ve been in the exact same situation as you.” Someone started stroking my hair. “I believe, you can be better and get well if you busy yourself from the things bringing you down.” I groaned and whimpered in protest as the voice got louder. “Sorry.” The voice whispered.

“Hey-” the stroking stopped.

“Shh.” The stroking started again. “I want you to work at the merch tent and don’t let anyone bring you down. Also, enjoy the time while your boyfriend is here. He was worried sick. And you need to start performing again. So thissummer, I want you to fill in the female vocals on Learned Behavior.” It was Garret. Learned Behavior is a single from The Color Morale. “Will you do that for me? Or at least for yourself? Because Lights, you’re so worth all this pain.”

That was the most meaningful thing anyone’s ever said to me.

You’re so worth all this pain

“Why are you being so nice to me? We don’t even know each other.”

“Because you remind me of my sister.” I heard shuffling and my head slid down several inches. “Sorry,” he mumbled. I scooted back up so my head was resting on his chest (at least I think it’s his chest.)

“You have a sister?”

“Had.” We said nothing after that.

Notes

Er....sorry for being off the grid so long.