Dear Austin...

The stars were just starting to poke out of the sky under the careful watch of the moon. Ink stains bled out under the trees, making the shadows darker and more inviting. Meanwhile, I sat in my room. My clock numbers flickered to show an even ten at night. I heard the rain patter onto the sidewalk, like millions of tiny feet. I pulled out the Falling in Reverse song I was listening to and paused the tune. I heard voices come from downstairs.

Slipping downstairs, I quietly checked outside the windows for tail lights of a car pulling into our garage. I sighed in relief as my panic vanished. I clasped my hands together nervously. It had been quite a while since I’d dropped my old habit of anxiety when I scratched myself. Now I found it relaxing to tap out a beat to a good song or to hold my hands together. I heard my mom talking on the phone in the kitchen.

Although I didn’t normally eavesdrop, I stopped a moment to listen to their conversation. I could recognize my grandmother on the opposite line. On silent toes, I crept forwards. She sounded terribly sad. Hiding around the corner, I could hear the quiet breaths of my sister, but also the mumblings of my mother.

“Yeah, I understand.” I heard her breathe out. I stopped fumbling for the moment to focus my attention.

“How late is it? Please….Oh no.” I heard a small squeak escape. At this point I feared the worst, knowing it would hit me like a boulder. A louder sob escaped.

“Stage Four.” She told herself, but I closed my eyes. My worst nightmare was coming to life. The tears from my mother’s green eyes wailed as they hit the floor. In the dead silence of night, I could hear them hit and stain the wood floor.

“I may only have it, but cancer with a little ‘c’, but we can go through it together.” I nearly died on the inside. My mind went to a white static. No, not again. Grandma can’t go through this. My mom might lose her mom to Breast Cancer, and I might lose my own to the same beast inside. I didn’t stay to hear the rest.

As silent as I could, I rushed upstairs. At least everyone else slept peacefully, and I could stay in my own little world of chaos, separate from my mom’s chaos. I felt the familiar struggle of pain again, and this time I welcomed it. My fingernails bit into my palms, but I just dug in deeper.

Collapsing by the windows, the cool air caressed my face. I watched a silent couple walk into a house, and from my vantage point, I envied them. Although there was so much around at the moment, I needed a silent distraction. I counted on my fingers. An abusive father, and two family members with Cancer.

I took three fingers and as I dragged them down my flesh, I remembered the bad things about my father and scratched that out. I thought of the sickness in my mother and grandmother, and took that out to.

In the pale moonlight that stared me down, I watched the large, red welts on my arm raise. This time, they wouldn’t go away for a few days. As I clawed open my problems to the world, I let the cool moon and chill air slowly push them away.

At some point, I managed to crawl into bed and fall asleep. When I next awoke, it was midnight. Unlike the occasionally nightmares that stamped out all good thoughts in my mind, it was my sister’s own cry that awoke me.

I heard her struggling, and my subconscious mind awoke me to it. I hoped that it was a simple nightmare and nothing she heard last night. If she woke up, I knew she would come and get me. Although LP may have awoken, I lay under the warm covers and slowly drifted off.

Notes

Raelyn's hiding yet another thing from Austin. What will she do?
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