Dear Austin...
Unconscious Habits
“Shut. Up.” He slowly drove each word like a dagger into my side. I felt my eyes go wide at his menacing glance. I had no reply to his hurtful words. What happened to the night before? Oh, he was playing me, just like every girl he fell head over heels for!
For the past months, he treated me as if no one else was around. He texted every night, he sat with me through each sadness, and each triumph. I listened to him as he retold how tough it was to be the youngest child as his dad was at work for long periods of time. I supported him through everything. He told me, ‘anything you need, just ask.’
“You’re an idiot. Just shut up and leave me alone.” He spat out. After a quick escape, I sat by my locker. It was lunch and the hallways were empty. This was the perfect place to think.
All I could think about was how he was my best friend, that’s what we’d been. He was part of me, a part I couldn’t ignore. Now he was throwing me out. Just squashing each memory like a pesky flea. My mind raced a my throat caught in a half-sob, but I wouldn’t let him see the joy of tears falling.
Pain, no, a wonderful release happened upon my mind. I looked down to find me slipping into my unconscious habit. My nails dug trenches into my skin, not enough to bleed or stain, to be permanent or leave scars. They were temporary, and I hoped this pain I was enduring was temporary as well.
I must punish myself, for letting him in. I thought. The hallways were devoid of life, of a soul that cared in the least. I took my left arm and started to embed scratches upon it, over and over. Again and again, I let three claw marks mar my skin. They were red welts that would last for days, but not arouse any suspicion. I took a pencil out of my backpack and transitioned from nails to a pencil. The pain was worse, and I had to stop to feel the icy hot burns against my flesh, but it was a simple, unconscious habit. I threw the pencil back into my pack as I threw it over my shoulder. Overhead, the bell mourned for me.
For the past months, he treated me as if no one else was around. He texted every night, he sat with me through each sadness, and each triumph. I listened to him as he retold how tough it was to be the youngest child as his dad was at work for long periods of time. I supported him through everything. He told me, ‘anything you need, just ask.’
“You’re an idiot. Just shut up and leave me alone.” He spat out. After a quick escape, I sat by my locker. It was lunch and the hallways were empty. This was the perfect place to think.
All I could think about was how he was my best friend, that’s what we’d been. He was part of me, a part I couldn’t ignore. Now he was throwing me out. Just squashing each memory like a pesky flea. My mind raced a my throat caught in a half-sob, but I wouldn’t let him see the joy of tears falling.
Pain, no, a wonderful release happened upon my mind. I looked down to find me slipping into my unconscious habit. My nails dug trenches into my skin, not enough to bleed or stain, to be permanent or leave scars. They were temporary, and I hoped this pain I was enduring was temporary as well.
I must punish myself, for letting him in. I thought. The hallways were devoid of life, of a soul that cared in the least. I took my left arm and started to embed scratches upon it, over and over. Again and again, I let three claw marks mar my skin. They were red welts that would last for days, but not arouse any suspicion. I took a pencil out of my backpack and transitioned from nails to a pencil. The pain was worse, and I had to stop to feel the icy hot burns against my flesh, but it was a simple, unconscious habit. I threw the pencil back into my pack as I threw it over my shoulder. Overhead, the bell mourned for me.
Notes
Aww... Raelyn tells us a little part of her back story :(
Like life, everything gets better!
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This story has completely captured my full attention over the last few hours. I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I finish it. This is wonderful. I adore your writing and characters. Rae and Austin's relationship and the bond between Alan and lp are the most adorable freaking things ever. I've been laughing, wanting to cry, and majorly fangirling. This is beautiful and I love it so much. And the appearance of all of the various band members made me incredibly happy!
Okay back to reading.
10/2/15