“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home”

I didn’t know he could see right through me. It only leaves me wondering if everyone else can see right through me. Am I that easy to read? I don’t know how else to make myself look happier. I don’t even know what happy looks like. From what I’ve read, there’s a glint in your eyes, there’s a smile on your face and wrinkles around your eyes and mouth. I got up from my bed and made my way towards the bathroom.

I looked in the mirror and smiled. The smile disappeared as quickly as it came. I look so weird smiling. Why can’t people show their happiness through art or some shit like that? Why are we smiling like the little creeps we are? I continued to stare at my reflection when I realized that Vic told me he had no idea where I live … he’s an official creep. AND HE SMILES TOO! O. M. F. G. HE IS A CREEP! With this newfound info, I can totally not like him anymore. But then there’s he face that just decided to be amazeballs and shit. UGGGGGH!

And then there’s Sergio. We haven’t talked much but he is sweet. And cute, and funny and OMFG THAT BOOTY! Get a grip of yourself Kellin. A few deep breaths later and I were ok. Oh god, I need to learn how to speak. But seriously, Sergio is a really nice guy and he seems to take me serious at appropriate times. I have a few classes with him and he sat by me in each one. Like in math class, he asked for the answer, and oh my god I’m having another Mean Girls reaction. But that’s not all he asked me for; he asked if it hurt when I fell from heaven. Cheesy right? But it was cute and I fangirled on the inside while Vic chuckled quietly and shook his head.

I looked in the mirror again and saw a smile. It wasn’t the creeper smile from a few minutes, but it held a natural look. My eyes had little wrinkles and there was the glint in my eyes. I guess there is hope after all. When I was done creeping myself out in the mirror, I began the house chores. I cleaned the kitchen, I dusted things that needed dusting, cleaned the bathroom and so much more. When I was done, I locked myself in my room and listened to music. My dad had said he wanted this house clean and it was but he’ll find something that doesn’t look clean and will bitch at me.

I heard a loud knock on my window, causing me jump and fall off my bed. I lifted myself up an opened the blinds. Of course, Vic would be here, stalking me, because I was told he had no idea where I lived yet this is the second time. I unlocked the window and in he came, like if it was his own home.

“Hey.”

“How do you know where I live?”

“Umm … I kinda followed you home on Wednesday.”

“Yeah, totally not creepy.”

“Shut up.” He said, shoving me lightly. “Look we gotta talk.” He said seriously.

“About what?” I couldn’t remember anything bad I’d done recently.

“About that kiss earlier.” He said while looking at the floor. “It was a mistake. I was in the heat of the moment and I felt ba-“

“You kissed me, twice, because you felt bad for me?” I asked in disbelief.

“I didn’t mean it like that Kells.”

“No, obviously you did. If not you wouldn’t have said it.” I’m getting angry. I have a right, right?

“Kellin.” He said with a sigh.

“Victor.” I said mockingly. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on between us but whatever it is; it needs to be … I don’t know.”

“That’s the thing Kellin; I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is that’s it’s wrong.”

“Oh, so being gay is wrong now?” he needs to stop talking because he’s just pissing me off.

“No, no, no, you’re my best friend! Of course it’s not wrong being gay but us being together is wrong.”

“You’re not helping yourself and you’re not helping the ‘problem’.” I said putting air quotes around problem. “I think it’s best if you leave and sort yourself out.”

“No.” he said assertively. “We’re talking about this and sorting it out.”

“There’s nothing to sort out. It’s simple and you’re making it harder. We kissed twice and all because you felt bad for me. I get it; I’m just a charity case. People only like me because they think no one else does.” I paused to wipe the tears that ran down my face. I can’t believe that my best friend thinks of me that way too, but it’s not surprising. It just … I lied, it is surprising and it hurts. Like hell. “Just leave.”

“No.”

“Go.”

“Kells, I l-“

“Don’t. Say you love me. I might do something like believe it and I’ll end up hurt.” I felt Vic’s arms wrap around my waist and his face was in the crook of my neck. I wasn’t having this. “Vic, don’t hug me. Let me go.” I whined trying to push him away, only that caused him to hug me tighter. The more I struggled, the tighter his grip became. It was too tight actually; it was hurting me. “Vic, stop. You’re hurting me.” He immediately let go of me and apologized. “What’s wrong with us?”

“I don’t know.” He said as we sat on my bed. He sat against the wall with me in between his legs. Vic ran his fingers through my hair, making me sleepy. “I didn’t kiss you because I felt bad for you Kellin. I kissed you because I realized how cute you are. I realized that the little feeling I felt in my gut when Sergio would be flirting with you was jealousy. But I can’t leave Carol.”

“Because you love her more than me.” I said quietly as I pulled away from him. All he did was look down at his laps. Ok. “Ok then. Um … I think it’s time for you to go; my dad is on his way home.” I lied. I wanna cry so badly right now.

“Ok.” He said as he began stepping out my window. “But give me a hug.” I walked towards him and gave him his hug. “Don’t ever think you’re my second choice. Something’s are hard to explain but I do love you Kells. Even more then I love Carol.” And with that, he was out of my room and out of my hair.

I plopped on my bed, back first, and let out a long, distressed sigh. Will things ever be easy for me? I decided that being in my room wasn’t going to help anything, so I climbed out my window and began walking towards the park.

*

I was swinging on the swing as the birds flew through the trees. It was only five so it was nice and sunny.

“Hey, this seat taken?” I looked to my left and saw Sergio standing there with a cigarette in his hand.

“No it isn’t.” I said shyly. I could feel the blush rushing to my cheeks and the tip of my nose and ears.

“You’re kinda cute when you blush.” He said with a breathy laugh. I smiled and looked down at my hands. “No, no, look up. I wanna see your beautiful face.” I looked up, as I blushed harder. “There’s the smile I barely see. So why you here by yourself? Where’s Vic? You guys are always attached to the hip.”

“Um … I sent him home. We had an awkward … thing happen between us.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really. I don’t even know how I feel about it.”

“Well when you wanna talk, I’m always here.”

“Thanks.”

“So, you wanna ditch this Popsicle stand and go get Starbucks?”

“I don’t have any money on me.” I said sheepishly.

“It’s ok, I’ll pay for it.” He said as he stood up. “So whatchyhu say? Wanna go? I promise if you don’t like it, I’ll back up.”

I looked up at him and giggled. “Sure why not.”

*

“You look like a hipster or someone I’d see off of Tumblr.” I commented.

“Really?” he said as he took a sip of his Double Chocolaty Chip frappe.

“Yup; you remind me of one guy that I saw. He was standing on a train track with a cigarette in his hand and he had brown tousled hair with beautiful brown eyes.”

“You’re very descriptive.” He said with a smile.

“Sorry.” I said shyly. “I have an annoying thing where I have to notice everything in order to feel ok with whatever I’m doing or watching.”

“That doesn’t seem annoying. In fact, that seems helpful; you could go far with a talent like that. Everything you do would be perfect, which is why I guess you’re perfect.”

I smiled and blushed as I looked down. “Thanks.” I mumbled. “But I’m not perfect.”

“Of course you are!” he said. “You have the most perfect eyes, nose, lips, ears, voice. All of you if perfect, but the most beautiful, perfect thing would be your personality. You’re outgoing, you have tons of friends and you don’t let people get to you. I’ve been here a week and I’ve seen you stick up for people who’d be picked on and I gotta say that’s ballsy of you. I don’t see how you don’t see the perfection you are.” Aww … my feels; I didn’t realize I was crying until he came to sit next to me to wipe the tears off. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, these are happy tears. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before and I kinda get emotional easily. Sorry, I must look like a mess.” I actually feel perfect right now.

“You could be badly beaten and I’d still think you’re beautiful.” I smiled as I looked into his eyes. I saw him look at my lips as he took his lower lip in between his teeth. We were so close and after witnessing that, I wanted to close the space in between us. I was fully aware of the semi-crowded location and that they could be homophobic but I didn’t care. I wanted those lips against mine and I was going to get it.

“Kiss me.” I whispered against his lips. I guess I didn’t have to ask twice because I quickly felt his lips against mine and I enjoyed it. The taste of cigarette and a chocolate chip frappe is something I could get addicted to. He licked my lower lip and I opened my mouth just enough to let his tongue slip in. I am grateful for sitting in the farthest corner of the store right now. His tongue explored every part of my mouth and I did the same to him. However, like all good things, it had to end. “Wow.”

“And you’re also a good kisser? Damn you are, dare I say, perf?” I couldn’t help but giggle. “It’s getting late; I can walk you home if you want.”

“That’s ok; I know how to get home from here.”

“Then can you text me when you get home so I know you’re safe?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“Great, so I’ll see you later?”

“Of course.”

“Bye Kellin.” He said with a smile as we stood in front of the Starbucks windows.

“Bye.” And with one final, quick kiss, we parted ways and for once, I couldn’t wait to get home.

Notes

the song is by Evanescence but I FORGOT THE TITLE ! >:(