Fight Back

Date: 22nd February 2015. Weight: 6st 3lbs. Stage: Five. Estimated time of survival: Two weeks.

Poor Alex. Over and over again that's all I could think. My poor, big brother. Gone. And what did I have left? The possibility that perhaps I was headed the same way. My destiny or fate you could say all relied on what was on that piece of paper that Phillip was holding.
He handed it to me but I couldn't look. I just couldn't. If I didn't have Infirma then Alex was surely gone. I had nothing linking me to my hero. But is a little link worth eventually dying over? That's what would happen. I could die. I would die. It wouldn't be a nice easy death ether. It wouldn't be next to a wrinkled man who I loved dearly, with a wedding ring on my finger. It would be before the age of twenty one. Was it even worth me being born?
"Are you ready, Helena?" Phillip asked. I nodded and looked to my parents. They were waiting patiently. "It's positive. I'm sorry, sweetheart." he told me, and just like that I felt everything melt away.
I was destined to lose my friends. I was destined to never love. I was destined to die. Just like Alex had. Just like my grandparents did after they gave birth. I was going to die.

I came to and started panting. I was letting out quick, panicked breaths. I couldn't open my eyes yet. It was too difficult. They were heavy, almost like they were lined with lead. I tried to move but felt something pulling on my hand. Stupid wires. Something was tickling my nose and I pulled at it. I took it out and finally managed to open my eyes.
I saw a ivory ceiling with ivory walls and ivory tiles. If that wasn't enough of a give away surely the smell would do it. It stunk of cleanliness. There were beds opposite me. I must be on a ward. I looked to my left and saw Evelyn in a chair next to me. I could make her go away, but honestly I didn't really want to. She obviously cares enough to be sat next to me.
"Evelyn." I said, my voice hoarse and husky.
"You're awake!" she gasped. "How are you feeling?" Evelyn asked urgently.
"I'm okay," I admitted. "I hate the oxygen tubes." I grumbled.
"It was only while you were sleeping." she explained.
"Where am I? What happened?" I asked.
She took my hand gently and I let her this time. "You're in a hospice in LA. After what happened at school Phil and that nice boy, Mike got in the ambulance with you. You went to the hospital in San Diego. You were ICU for a few days. But they finally said you could come here." Evelyn explained.
"Where is everyone?"
"Some people are in the waiting room. The nurses here don't like to crowd you. Sasha's finding it quite hard. Your dad took her home for some sleep and real food. Your mother is here, waiting. We thought maybe it wasn't the best for you to wake up to her."
"You're right." I said and tried to smile, but I could. I just couldn't. "What about Phil?"
"He hasn't been here since you were moved. At ICU he never left your bedside. He was so exhausted. While you were sleeping I made him go get some sleep. The nurses will phone him now though."
"And Mike?" I asked anxiously.
"He's here too," she smiled lightly. "Forever demanding and asking questions. But I think he's surviving off of energy drinks and sleep deprivation. Along with a desire to comfort Hope when she breaks into tears."
"Hope knows?" I asked, but gasped from a pain in my chest.
"Are you okay?" Evelyn asked urgently. I nodded and she let out a breath of relief. "Phil told Hope. She's here all day."
"How long do I have?" I asked seriously. It was starting to hurt to talk a lot. But I had questions that needed answering.
"Mr Green," someone said calmly. I turned and saw Phil standing in front of a nurse. He looked angrily and one hand was on his hip while the other was tightly gripping the bridge of his nose.
"I want to know why she is here?!" he demanded.
"She needs to be here."
"This girl is in stage five of Infirma. She is very sick. I myself, predicted that she only has two weeks of life left. I suppose they taught you what that means in your training?!" Phil rushed. I shrunk into my covers. I've never seen him so angry before.
"I am aware, Mr Green." the nurse tried lightly.
"She not only needs but also deserves privacy in the final moments of her life. I am demanding - as a health specialist very senior to you - that you move Helena Jasper to a private room. If you can't seem to do that I as her doctor will personally move her to the nearest hospice that can cater to Helena's needs, which unfortunately for me is in San Francisco." he said tightly.
"I understand that Helena Jasper is more than just a patient to you," she said and I saw Phil look down to the floor before he sighed heavily. "We will move her to a private room as soon as we can. But for now please let us do what we're here to do and be with your patient."
"Thank you." he finally said. I saw him walk over to me and his face brightened when he saw me awake. "Pippa," he said and kissed my cheek. "How are you feeling?"
"Like death," I rolled my eyes. He frowned at me and I sighed. "Tired. It really hurts. Like to talk." I explained.
"That's normal," he nodded. "Evelyn, do you think I could have some alone time with her?" he asked.
"Of course." she nodded and got up. Phil took her seat and took my hand.
"Did you see that?" he asked.
"Yeah, but... thanks. For getting me... my own room I mean." I was having to take breaths now, I was so breathless.
"You deserve it," he smiled lightly. "Did Evelyn fill you in about the medical side of what happened? To your body I mean."
"No, just that... I was in ICU and... you didn't... leave my side."
"There's something I need to tell you." he said and brushed some hair out of my face. He looked at me for a while and popped the oxygen tabs back into my nose. I went to pull them out but he stopped me. "You need them in. I know you hate it but no arguments."
"Fine."
"Everything that I said is starting to happen. Your body is too tired, it can't do it anymore. But because your body is so weak and is telling your brain it can't carry on your organs have reacted. Since you were in ICU you were waking up for the odd half an hour. You stopped eating all together, that's one of the reasons you've been having the bags of fluid." he explained.
"Why aren't... I hungry?" I asked.
"Your digestive system is saying you don't need food. Why would you need food and nutrients when your body is so close to giving out?"
"Am I... close?"
"I'm sorry," he eventually nodded. "You're getting breathless because of your lungs. They're struggling. Soon they'll fill with fluid and eventually collapse one by one."
"And... my heart?"
"It'll go after. That'll be the last thing. You're going to struggle more. You'll feel so out of it."
"My head... feels spacey." I admitted.
"That's normal."
"Can't it just... happen now?" I asked, wide eyed. My eyes were starting to fill. I didn't want to cry.
"Only a little longer. I promise." Phil whispered and squeezed my hand.
Right then at that very moment something dawned up on me. It happened in a way that I would never have expected it. I was dying. I am dying. My digestive system has shut down. My lungs are starting to fill. I have a week left, maybe two if I have luck on my side.
But that wasn't my realisation. My realisation was that I was okay with it. I accepted death. From the moment we're born we're slowly dying. Death is an unavoidable part of life. Love it or hate it is happening. But that's okay, because without no death there would be no need for birth. People spend their lives worrying about how they'll die and the afterlife. But what's it good for? Who cares if you're headed north or south? It's going to happen either way. People forget to live. A life without living is so wasted. This last year when Ive known about my impending doom down to the day, since I not only met Mike but really saw him I have lived more than I have in the other sixteen years of my life.
"Phil... Can I see... Mike?" I asked.
"Of course. I'll go get him." he smiled. Phil got up and I closed my eyes and spaced out a little as he disappeared.
"Finally," I heard Mike gasp. I opened my eyes and saw him. He was looking down at me with wide but tired eyes. He looked exhausted and he hadn't shaved. "Pippa."
"Hey." I replied.
"How you feeling? Wait, stupid question..."
"I'm shit." I admitted.
"Can I sit? Is that okay?"
"As long as you don't pull my catheter out." I said and moved. He went to sit down on the chair but I gestured for him to sit on the bed with me. He did and took my hand. I leant against his chest as he wrapped his arms around me gently.
"You look so sick. I don't like it."
"I'm dying... I have maybe a week." I said. "Be ready... baby."
"I really love you." Mike rushed, falling over his words. I felt something wet hit my hair and realised that he was crying. "I'm sorry, Pippa."
"I'm not... you helped me."
"Did I? I was a dick." he chuckled through tears.
"You made... me live. I was born this... year screaming... because of you. That's better... than dying in... the womb," I said gently. "I need... your help with... something?"
"Anything." Mike told me immediately.
"I want to... write a list. Things I can do... before I die." I said. Mike held me tighter. I looked out and him and he leaned in to kiss me. I kissed him back for a few seconds before we had to pull away.
"Don't be scared, Pippa." he whispered softly.
"I'm not... so you shouldn't... be either. Be brave... for me, Mikey."
"I'm trying, babe." he muttered.
"Write them down." I told him. Mike reached for his bag and got out a notepad and pen. He wrote the words 'Pippa's List' and the top and underlined it a few times.
"What's number one?"
"Fix everything with you." I said. Mike smiled and wrote it down.
"You've already done that." he laughed a little and he ticked it off.
"Explain and... fix with Hope." I said and he wrote it down. "Say bye to... Phil properly."
"Okay." Mike nodded.
"Fix with Mom," I said. "Bye to Dad... and Evelyn."
"Got it." Mike nodded.
"Talk to Sasha," I told him. "Put flowers... on Alex's grave."
"We can order the flowers. Or I can put them on for you." Mike said and I nodded.
"Give Sasha Alex's journals," I said. "Write to the baby."
"Is that it?" Mike asked.
"One more," I admitted. "You can cross... it off too."
"What is it?"
"Accept everything." I said and saw Mike frown sadly. But I was frowning, I was smiling. It was okay.

Notes

Hey! Sorry it took so long to put this up. I'm a having a few personal problems that a few of you know about but I really can't be bothered to write a whole note about them. But what did you think? There's only one more chapter left! What are you expecting? :)