Fight Back

Date: 4th February 2014. Weight: 6st 10lbs. Stage: Four. Estimated time of survival: One month.

My head smacked off of the desk and I tried to block everything out. I thought spinning round and round in my head. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. What did I hate? Absolutely everything. You'd think seeing as I have only one month left God would cut me some slack. But no, apparently my suffering is the source of everyone else's enjoyment. Why else would everyone else be so damn smiley and happy today.
Someone poked my back and I winced. Why does everything hurt? I lifted my head a little and saw Hope had come to sit down next to me. She gave me a little smile before it was wiped from her face. "Are you okay, Helena?" she asked cautiously.
"No." I mumbled.
"Oh, why?"
"Because life is shit." I said flatly.
"Have you and Mike had a misunderstanding?" Hope asked gently.
"What?" I snapped.
"It's just... He keeps on looking over here when you're not looking. I thought maybe you had an argument."
"Something like that." I sighed.
"I'm sure you can sort it out. Mike really likes you, you know." she smiled brightly.
"Thanks, but I don't think it'll be easy to sort it out."
"You don't need to worry. You have the rest of your lives to sort it out. I'm sure you'll be fine." she smiled reassuringly before going back to her own seat. The rest of our lives? Haven't we just.
The bell sounded and I packed my things away. I picked up my bag and dragged myself out of the room. I went to my locker and dumped my bag inside. Then I turned to shut my locker door when I saw Mike. He shocked me and I had an intake of breath.
"You fucking idiot!" I snapped. I pushed past him and started walking outside for my free period. I could feel him follow me. "Can you leave me alone!" I called over my shoulder.
"No, I can't." he replied.
"You might not have been told this because I'm sure Mommy and Daddy would have told you any girl would be lucky to have you. But when you follow a girl against her will its called stalking. A stalker - especially one who feels as self important as you do - is the last thing I need." I snapped. Mike grabbed my arm and spun me around.
"Just stop." he told me.
"Let go of me." I growled.
"You're angry and your upset, I get that. But can you stop all of this... shit."
"Oh, angry am I? I would never have guessed. Now what reason do I have to be angry?" I pondered sarcastically.
"Why you being like this?" he sighed angrily.
"Don't tell me you don't love me anymore?" I mocked. "I thought me being this spiteful bitch was how I got guys to lie and say they love me before we slept together."
"You know I never lied!" he rushed.
"So was it just Phil who made you realise I wasn't worth it?" I said smoothly.
"Shut up, Pippa! I mean it, shut up right now!" Mike exclaimed. "Sit." he snapped.
"Excuse me?" I mocked.
"I said sit down. Now." he glared at me. I folded my arms across my chest and Mike grabbed hold of my arm. He took me to a bench and pushed me lightly down. "You have to talk to me. You have to explain things to me and confirm them. You can't just drop something like that on me."
"I don't have to do anything." I huffed.
"You're so fucking infuriating." he grumbled.
"Gee, thanks." I said dryly.
"You're dying." Mike stated. I heard him say those words. Only Phil had ever spoke them before. Then it hit me. It was so painful. If I could take it away I would happily have Infirma for the rest of my life. I was dying. I didn't like it, nor did I accept it. But it was happening. Soon I would be just a memory. I would be that-girl-who-had-the-dreads-but-popped-it. Is that what I've been working for? All of the nastiness I've spouted and the complete bitch I've become. It's all been so I can be the girl with the dreads. What kind of legacy is that? It shouldn't come down to what the people I didn't like thought of me. It should be about how the people that liked me saw me. But there were only two people. Mike and Hope.
I used my hands to cover my eyes. Then I started dry sobbing. I can't even think. All I knew was that I was crying. I had good reason to cry too. I felt Mike wrap his arms around me fragile body and he pulled me close to him. Mike sat me on his lap and I rested my head against his chest. He kissed my hair softly and wiped my tears away with his thumbs.
"I have Infirma." I confirmed. I had to tell him and I had to tell him everything. "It's a disease of the blood. My parents passed it on to me. They're carriers I guess. Basically my white blood cell, red blood cell and platelet count is stupidly low. It makes me weak. Soon I won't be able to do anything I'll be so weak. My body won't be able to fight any of it. Then my organs will shut down. One by one they'll die. Then so will I. I'll be gone." I explained thickly.
"When?" Mike asked.
"One month. I have one month and I won't be here anymore." I muttered.
"When did you get it?"
"I found out a year after Alex died. I knew what Infirma was. I watched it. Then I started to get tired and I got aches. I had a blood test and guess what. Infirma for Helena."
"Is that how you got to know Phil?" he asked and I nodded.
"Phil was under Alex's doctor. Then when I was diagnosed he took my case. He's been there for over three years. I know he's just my doctor or my nurse or whatever. But he's my best friend. That's probably really sad." I laughed.
"No," Mike shook his head. "Why didn't you tell anyone? Does Hope know?"
"No," I sighed. "I guess I watched it tear Alex apart. He told his friends and his girlfriend. Then they wrapped him up in cotton wool. First people visit all the time and make all these empty promises about how they'll be there. But it didn't happen. His friends got busy and didn't want to see their sick, dying friend. His girlfriend went out with some other guy that Alex loathed after he died. They all just forgot him. Even school did. They found someone new to be their pride and joy." I shrugged. "People gave up on him and forgot. That's why I never told anyone."
"No one will ever forget you, Pippa."
"Liar." I accused.
"I won't forget you, ever."
"Do you promise?" I asked weakly.
"I love you." Mike said weakly. I bit my lip and looked down.
"I love you too." I told him. Mike kissed my cheek and sighed.
"I'm sorry." he told me.
"What?"
"We can't go out, Pippa. I know what's coming. I can't do it. You're so strong, but I'm not. I'm not brave enough for that. I can't be that close to you knowing that soon you'll be gone."
"So what then?" I laughed humourlessly. "This whole talk was something to just make you feel better? What about me?!" I demanded.
"Please, I want to be friends. I want to be there for you, but I can't be that involved."
"Friends." I echoed. Of course I didn't want to be friends. How can you go from loving someone to being just friends? "Okay." I breathed. That may be why I said yes. Because I love him and don't want to lose him.

Notes

Hey! What did you think? They're talking... Do you think the friendship will work? Will Helena settle? How will Mike deal with everything? Will Helena tell Hope? :)