Fight Back

Date: 11th December 2014. Weight: 7st 8lbs. Stage: Four. Estimated time of survival: Three months.

I placed my head on the desk to hide the pain. It had gotten worse. But I felt better than yesterday. Now as the French teachers voice droned on my leg was pulsing and I could feel each heart beat.
"Are you okay, Helena?" Hope asked from behind me.
"Piss off." I replied deadpan.
"You need to get up."
"Piss off." I repeated.
"Helena." she snapped.
"Piss off."
"Pippa." Phil said and I looked up.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. Maybe he got my death date wrong. I have three hours left.
I shook that thought away he stepped closer. He saw the pain in my face and held out a hand for me. I took it and attempted to walk quickly.
I got outside and let Phil stop me. He looked at me carefully then stepped forwards as I started to stagger. "Take deep breaths." he ordered and steadied me.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
"What?" I asked. "Have you found something else? Is there a new treatment?"
"I'm sorry."
"I don't have less time?" I asked anxiously.
"No," he muttered. "Its your sister."
"Sasha." I gasped.
"She's in hospital. Your dad went, I said I'd come to get you. I think you need to come." he urged. I took Phil's arm and Phil watched me cautiously. "Evelyn is waiting for you in reception." he explained. I nodded mutely.
I walked into reception and saw Evelyn sitting almost motionless with her hands wringing together. When she saw me she stood up and hurried over to us.
“What happened?” I asked weakly.
“It was just something . . . it should never have happened.” Evelyn stuttered.
“What did you do?!” I demanded.
“Pippa.” Phil tried. I looked at him and he smiled. I sniffed loudly and started to exhale panicked breaths. “This isn’t good for you.”
“Tell me what happened.” I nearly begged. Phil pulled me to him and I rested my head on his chest.
“What happened, Evelyn?” Phil asked cautiously.
“Sasha tripped when we were shopping. She was home from school ill anyway. But she started having palpitations. She twisted her ankle, so we thought it was best to take her to the emergency room.”
“They kept her in?” I muttered, I already knew the answer.
“Yes.”
“You should go and see her.” Phil told me. I lifted my head and saw Phil and Evelyn exchange a look.
“Okay."
“Can you come, Phillip?” Evelyn asked. I looked at her and frowned.
“Of course.” Phil smiled.
“Can I go with you?” I asked.
“I’ll see you there." Evelyn said. As she left Phil took my hand. He looked sad.
We walked silently to the doors. In my worried state I nearly fell when we walked across the parking lot. Phil led me to his car and opened the door, shoving a bag into the back seat. I got inside and Phil walked across to the drivers side. There was a folder on the car floor and I picked it up. I started to flick through it. We pulled out of the car park and onto the road.
“Is this just mine?” I asked distractedly.
“No, it’s an overview of all the cases I’ve dealt with,” he explained. “And confidential.” he added as an after thought.
“Cases you've dealt with or are dealing with?” I asked.
“Dealt with. I’ve dropped all my cases.”
“You’ve what?” I gasped. If Phil’s dropped all his cases that means he’s expecting me to need constant care from him, a downward spiral.
“You’re my priority, Pippa. They’ll come a time when you’ll need me every day, every hour.”
“What do you do for the other six days in the week?”
“I plan for your future." he replied.
“Or my lack of," I responded dryly. We pulled onto the freeway and Phil’s speed increased. “And after me?” I swallowed hard.
“There’s someone that’ll need me.”
“Oh,” I nodded. I can’t imagine Phil caring for anyone else. I think of him as mine. “What stage are they in?”
“One I assume. I haven’t examined or discussed their symptoms yet."
“Who are they?”
“You know I can’t tell you that, Pippa."
“Will you see them before. . .”
“Yeah, I can’t not." Phil said and he growled. I watched his hands, tight around the steering wheel. I last saw him like this when he told me how long I had left.
“There’s something you have to tell me.” I said tiredly.
“It’s not mine to tell.”
“But you think I should know and that it’ll be best coming from you?” I countered. Phil nodded and stared blankly out at the road.
“Evelyn spoke to me before I picked you up. Sasha was diagnosed two hours ago.” he said, his voice even.
“No,” I gasped. I went into shock. I brought a hand up to my lips. The thought that was running around in my mind, echoing over and over again in my skull like a broken record – not her, not my little sister. “Please no.”
“Infirma. Stage one."
“Please lie to me, just this once. Tell me that this is all just bullshit."
“I’m so so sorry, Pippa.”
“Sasha.” I choked. I started to cry and just couldn’t stop. I was crying uncontrollably. Real deep in your chest, your torso aches and the sobs hurt your ribs kind of crying. I couldn’t stop, this wasn’t fair! Sasha is ten, she’s too young to deal with all the shit that Infirma brings.
“Pippa, just calm down.” Phil ordered. I sobbed harder and started to kick at the glove compartment. My foot was throbbing and my shoe was cutting into my skin. “Stop!” Phil yelled. He swerved and pulled over on the hard shoulder. “Just stop!” he ordered. Phil reached over and pulled me close to him. I sobbed into his chest and fought hard to get away from him. I punched Phil in the shoulder hard but he kept me in his grasp.
“I want to die now! If I can give Sasha another three months. Let me die for her!” I cried.
“It doesn’t work like that."Phil soothed. He stroked my hair and patted my back. Everything was collapsing, but this time it wasn’t my legs or organs. It was my life. So Phil just let me cry.

When we finally arrived Phil’s hand was grasped around mine when we walked through the hospital car park. It didn’t take long to park. We left Phil’s car by the entrance because of some special badge that lets you park wherever because you work here and are like saviour to kids with crappy blood.
Phil led me to the lifts. I distributed my weight nervously from left to right. We stepped inside the lift and Phil wrapped an arm around me. I leant against him and prepared myself. The only thing that’s worse than thinking I’m dying, is thinking Sasha is dying. We walked through a corridor and into a specialist ward. Phil keyed a code in and we walked past a reception desk.
“Dr Green,” a woman at the desk smiled. She saw me and did a little wave. “Helena Jasper. I hope you're well."
“Thanks.” I said.
“Has Sasha Jasper been moved?” Phil asked seriously.
“Yes, she’s been placed in room nine.”
“My old room.” I commented.
“I want no distractions when I’m with the Jasper family."
“I understand.” the woman said kindly. Phil nodded once and then urged me down the corridor. We stopped in front of my old room and my hand rested on the handle for thirty long seconds.
“Are you ready?” Phil asked.
“Now this is nostalgia.”
"No matter what your dad or Evelyn say I'm here for you, Pippa. I want you to know you're not alone." Phil said. It felt nice knowing Phil was there. He wouldn't leave me. He couldn't. I grasped for his hand and then pushed the door open. Inside Sasha was lying on a hospital bed with a cannula in her hand. Dad and Evelyn were next to her.
"Helena." Sasha beamed.
"Hi. How's the ankle?" I asked. She didn't answer so I took a seat on the edge of the bed.
"You came." Dad stated and he almost seemed surprised. I'm not that heartless, am I?
"I do care about my family, just not you," I smiled. Dad stood and I watched as he wrapped his arms protectively around Evelyn. "Shouldn't you be hugging your daughter?" I snapped. When silence answered I looked at Phil who was examining Sasha's chart. "Unless, she doesn't-"
"I know," Sasha replied. "They told me when I was moved."
"What will happen?" Evelyn asked.
"Sorry?" Phil asked.
"You're so absorbed with Helena, as you should be. But is there anyone you can request we see for Sasha."
"I'll take her case."
"But... Helena." Dad gasped.
"I trained working with Alex. Then I took on Helena. I've known your family for eight years, I couldn't ask anyone else."
"Thanks." I told him. Phil looked at me and I took Sasha's hand then widened my eyes. He nodded.
"If it's alright I'd like to get an understanding of Sasha. Make my own assessment." Phil said.
"Of course," Dad smiled. Evelyn and Dad walked across the room and stood at the door. "Helena."
"Can you stay?" Sasha begged.
"Yeah," I nodded. Dad and Evelyn closed the door and Phil sat on the bed next to me. I looked at him briefly. "Do you really need to do an assessment?"
"No." Phil shrugged.
"Sasha, what did they tell you?"
"Nothing, they just said I have Infirma."
"Did they explain it?" Phil asked.
"Yeah."
"To you."
"Oh," she coughed. "No."
"Pippa." he urged.
"Sure," I smiled. "Basically Infirma screws up your blood and makes you weak. It's your cell count and after so long you can't run or play volley ball or anything. In the end your organs shut down and your heart stops because the cell count is so low."
"That's all you need to know at this stage. To try and control pain and symptoms we'll put you on medication. I'll give you a list of symptoms next week. All you need to do is be careful and not worry." Phil said explained.
"Will it hurt?" she asked anxiously. She looked at me and I had to tell the truth, I couldn't lie to her.
"Yeah. Sometimes like hell. But not always, it's there most of the time but it's manageable. Just don't lie to Phil when he asks how much it hurts." I told her.
"Will I die?" Sasha asked, tilting her head to the side. Hearing her sweet voice say those words hurt. I looked down at the bed sheets grimly.
"There is a high chance you will not live past the age of twenty. I'm really sorry. At this point in time there is no cure." Phil finally answered.
"Could they find a cure?" I asked.
"There’s a very small chance. New developments are always being made, but speaking now, no."
"How long?" Sasha asked softly.
"Nine to ten years."
"Longer than me." I couldn't help say.
"Pippa." he warned.
"It's true. You have years left. Infirma doesn't even change your life much until you hit puberty."
"Please," Phil begged and I shrugged. "I'll always be here." he promised. Phil meant it, he'd be to her what he is to me. I just couldn't shake the feeling that even Phil was replacing me now.
"Thanks," Sasha smiled. But then her face saddened. I reached forwards and hugged her tightly. "I love you." she whispered in my ear.
"I love you too." I replied. I squeezed her hard. She looked me in the eye for a minute and then turned to Phil.
"I don't want to die." she muttered. I scanned the room and eventually my eyes settled on an oxygen mask above the bed.
"Neither do I." I breathed. And I didn't. I feared it all; death, afterlife, oblivion, and just being forgotten. I feared being forgotten more than anything. It made me feel physically sick and like a heavy weight was being pressed down onto my chest. But the very worst thing was that there was nothing I could do about it.

Notes

Hey! Ohhh drama! What did you think? Sasha has Infirma! What will happen? How will she deal? What about Helena? :)