Fight Back

Date: 9th November 2014. Weight: 7st 11lbs. Stage: Four. Estimated time of survival: Four months.

My eyes widened and I got up from where I was reading a magazine at my desk. I stood up for a minute. Then I felt my stomach lurch again. I hardly had time to get to the bathroom. I bent over the toilet and felt everything come up.
When it was over I slumped onto the floor and held my rib cage. I hated that feeling after you had been sick. My ribs were aching and my throat was sore. I leant against the wall and rested my head against the tiles.

I'm not sure when I fell asleep but at one o'clock in the afternoon Hope was shaking my arm. I looked up at her and groaned. I didn't even know how she'd found me or when she got here. She was nice given what a bitch I've been to her, promising not to tell anyone at school. If anyone else knew they'd assume I had an eating disorder – Hope probably thinks that I do have an eating disorder.
I had to try and make myself look decent. My dreadlocks were damp from me sweating and my mouth tasted of sick. It was when I was getting changed that I noticed how much weight I've lost. It's gotten rapidly worse over the past week or two. I dressed in baggy clothes to try and hide the weight loss. I didn't know why, but I didn't want to tell Phil about it. I knew he'd find out soon, but it was nice just having something concealed from him.
When Hope and I were ready she took me to her spotless car. I sat on the seat and she looked at me carefully. “What?” I asked, kinder than how I spoke to most people now.
“I just didn't expect you to come." Hope laughed nervously.
“Why not?” I questioned.
“I don't know, you've just been very secluded lately.”
“Have I?” I said.
“It worried me at first, but then I just left you to it,” Hope shrugged as she drove.
“Didn't you think something serious could be wrong? If I was acting like that; kicking Mike, arguing with everyone.” I said faintly and remembered what Phil had said to me. I should tell her. But I just couldn't.
“What could be wrong? You have it good, I'm jealous of your life." Hope admitted.
We sat silently for a long time and then I finally spoke. “You shouldn't be jealous.” I said.
“I just think you don't realise how easy things are for you,” I held in a laugh. “I just thought you changed.” Hope said slowly and chewed on her bottom lip.
“Have I changed?”
“Yeah,” she laughed. “You come back and its like you're a different person. I just couldn't cope. I don't know what happened to you but its like you rejected me."
“Rejected." I echoed.
“You come on the coach and everything seems to change. Then you just walk away and leave me sitting there."
“I guess I did change,” I muttered and Hope parked up. “For the better though.” I added.
“Really?” Hope questioned and we got out of the car.
“Yes.” I snapped and Hope shut her mouth.
We walked into the mall. I looked into a window at a mannequin with Hope next to me. Then in the reflective surface of the shop window I saw Mike, Vic, Tony and Jaime. I didn't want their rubbish today – or more accurately, just one persons rubbish.
“What?” Hope questioned and I turned around. Mike saw me and I watched him smirk.
“Alright Dread!” Mike called nastily and looked at the pretty dress in the shop window. “I wouldn't try it, you're too hideous to pull it off! Besides, you'd crack the dressing room mirror!” Mike spat.
“Really?!” I called back. “At least I could fit inside the dressing room, you're not able – where would you squeeze in your ego!” I sneered. I saw him laugh out of spite.
“Hilarious.” Mike muttered and walked away.
“The old Helena would never have said those things." Hope said quietly. I sighed and turned to face her full on.
“The old Helena wouldn't have said anything. That Helena is dead, no one even liked the old Helena."
“I did.” she shrugged.
“Hope,” I tried. “Look, people didn't know me. I could have died and they wouldn't have noticed...” I said softly.
“I would have noticed and cared. You were my best friend Helena, but now...” she trailed off. I frowned and looked up at the shop we were outside of. Baby central.
“And this is perfect.” I commented dryly. It made me think of something I'd never have the chance to do – that I'd be deprived of. I would never have children and it suddenly hurt.
“I'm going to have loads of children.” Hope said brightly.
“I can't.” I said without thinking. Then I cursed myself for doing so. After everything I've done to protect my secret – the Infirma – I could have destroyed everything.
“What?” Hope demanded and took my arm, pulling me away from the shop.
“Oh, Mom can't have any more, they think her children may be infertile." I rushed. If Hope had been there to listen to me at any point she'd know that was a downright lie.
“Oh gosh,” Hope whispered and pulled me into a hug. We stood for a moment in that hug and I almost cried because it just seemed like something that fitted the scene. “Just because there's something in your family doesn't mean that you will get it.” she whispered softly in my ear.
“Really?” I said once we'd pulled apart.
“Of course,” she smiled. “My Gran had diabetes, but that doesn't mean I will.” she joked but I didn't laugh. My Gran had Infirma, and look what happened to me.
I felt torn. Hope was the closest thing I had to a friend my own age. A part of me thought she had a right to know. But another stronger part, that seemed to be in charge of my brain twenty two hours of the day knew I couldn't. If I said it then it would sink into my head that it was really happening. And I just couldn't do that, I'm not ready for this.

Notes

Hey! What did you think? I got such a great response last night! Was this okay? Will she ever tell Hope or Mike? Do you have any idea what he reasoning behind Helena's bitchy-ness is? Other than her looming death day! :)